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In the future everyone will get canceled for fifteen minutes
Biden proposes bill to spend two trillion dollars on more money printing factories
Social unity: They pretend to hold elections and we pretend we voted
Immigrants to Texas and Florida from New York and California break down and cry when they realize all their sacrifices for a better tomorrow were based on lies
China anal swabs detect new 'silent but deadly' transmission of covid-19 variant
Social science breakthrough: 'White' is the new way of saying 'Bourgeois'
Biden administration swat teams make sweeping arrests of underground female-only track meets
'Green energy' to be renamed 'blackout energy' for easier comprehension of climate complexities
New children's game: Rock, Paper, Scissors, Science
Texas: Biden administration sends emergency wind turbines to help fight the blackouts
BREAKING: Biden signs executive order canceling the number 45
ATTENTION: It is your duty to report anyone who says this is no longer a free country. Fact-checking commissars are monitoring all state-approved social media platforms for your convenience
OUT: If you don't vote, you can't complain!
IN: If you didn't vote Democrat, you can't complain!
Social media justice: followers removed from pro-Trump accounts will be added to Biden's Twitter account
Fact check: a democratic election is the one in which votes are counted until Democrats win
JUST IN: China bans Twitter for being too totalitarian
Pelosi introduces new House rule to replace 'gender' terms like mother, daughter, father, son with the word 'comrade'; the only acceptable pronoun will also be 'comrade'
Sources: Biden transition team demands access to White House basement to begin renovations
BREAKING: President Trump pardons America for its past
Prime Minister Modi: to avoid accusations of racism India will change its name to Cleveland
Biden creates Antifascist Librarian Justice Committee; the first book scheduled for burning is Fahrenheit 451
Media study: 148% of Americans believe voter fraud doesn't exist
2020 Election forecast: if Joe Biden emerges from the basement on Election Day and sees his shadow, expect four more years of Trump
BREAKING: President Trump pardons Corn Pop
Toobin, though on administrative leave, is still pulling for Biden
Chinese whistleblower: Biden-20 was genetically engineered in a Wuhan lab
Nancy Pelosi sponsors a bill to create the office of removal of the President
New college humanities major: Critical Trump Studies
Opinion: Joe Biden is just an idea
CNN: Biden took a solid second place in the debate, while Trump only came next to last
Having ordered that all Californians switch to electric cars by 2035, Gov. Gavin Newsom follows up by mandating them to have electricity by 2035
Election 2020: Joe Biden pledges to a peaceful post-election transfer of power to George Soros
Out: Flatten the curve. In: Flatten the country.
Breaking: the Democrat Party has finished transitioning from being the party of JFK to being the party of Lee Harvey Oswald
Paradigm shift in Chromatics: Study shows Indigo (#3F00FF) mixed with Jamaic (#C0FF01) yields Black (#000000)
Study: the trouble with wokeism is eventually you run out of victims
Stacey Abrams refuses to concede to Harris; declares herself Biden's VP
Election 2020: Spunky former presidential candidate wins VP slot by a head
Churches in many states to hold services in opened up pubs and bars
Election 2020: Xi Jinping still undecided on vice president for Joe Biden
Reports: Republicans pounce on 'Republicans pounce' reports
Minneapolis launches online looting app to combat Covid-19
DNC study finds lockdowns no longer necessary as the economy is now being destroyed more effectively by looters and rioters
With America in lockdown, China offers to host Democrat primary
Bernie Sanders tests negative for President
In related news, Joe Biden follows other candidates in withdrawing from race and endorsing Joe Biden
New York Governor Cuomo shuts down all 'non-essential' business, surprised to find himself out of a job
Biden commits to picking a woman as running mate as long as she passes his sniff test
Joe Biden's coronavirus prevention tips: always rub hand sanitizer on young girls before sniffing and fondling them
Russian lawmakers warned that the American Democrats are meddling to re-elect Putin
Joe Biden promises lucrative board member jobs as door prizes to get people to his rallies
Democrats now worried they might even lose the illegal alien vote
Soleimani's remains FedExed back to Iran and now no one knows what happened to the box
BREAKING: massive search underway in Iran after Soleimani's boxed FedEx'd remains stolen off front porch
Liz Warren harshly critical of Biden's suggestion to coal miners that they should learn to code, offers to have them trained as romance novelists instead
Pelosi: "First we have to impeach Donald Trump before we can find out why we impeached him."
Schiff calls his Amazon Alexa to testify: 'She knows absolutely everything'
Iran answers to new Reagan statue in Berlin by erecting Obama statue at Tehran airport where he delivered pallets of cash
California accepts award for most progressive environmental policies; further progressive developments to be announced as blackouts permit
BREAKING: Romney DNA test reveals he is 1/1024th Republican
California Governor Gavin Newsom blames electricity blackouts on Ukrainian kulaks, vows revenge
Rat falling from White House ceiling fears for his life, begs reporters for protection, offers a tell-all memoir
Latest UN climate report shows this month so far has seen the scariest climate pronouncements on record
Climate science: there's no need for climate protests in China because China is already communist
Islamic clerics split on whether Reps. Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib should be traveling around the world without an accompanying male relative
Dem candidates call for the Beatles' song 'Get Back' and the 'White Album' to be banned; surviving two white guys of the group must pay reparations
Bond's number is up: next 007 will be a black woman, played by Barack Obama
NYT: moon landing was one small step for Man, one giant leap for White Male Supremacy
HURRICANE WATCH: Tropical storm Barry has records sealed, once offshore expected to change name to Barack
Trump politicizes the 4th of July, declares it henceforth to be called the 45th of July, or July the Trumpth
Barack Obama critical of Trump for failing to insert 'I, me, my' into his 4th of July speech: "very unpresidential!"
Congressional Democrats: John Dean's testimony proves Trump is Nixon in disguise and must be impeached
Bernie Sanders admits to being a millionaire, promises to eat himself if nominated
International Women's Day observed, women only paid 73% of attention afforded to men
Democrats: anti-Semitism means never having to say you're sorry
AOC: aborting babies helps preserve the planet for the next generation
Bernie Sanders launches presidential campaign, promises to "build a great big beautiful Iron Curtain" around America if elected
West Virginia renames itself Eastern Kentucky to avoid further embarrassment from Virginia
BREAKING: Justice Ginsburg released from hospital after breaking 3 ribs at late night bar brawl in Adams Morgan
DNA news: Senator Warren tanking in latest totem polls
Orwell studies: 84% of academics believe problems raised in 1984 can be fixed with solutions from Animal Farm
Progress in gender justice: online dating industry issues recommendations for men to wear body cameras, bring attorneys as chaperones
Study: the only people who don't know what socialism is are the socialists
Poll: 1 in 3 #FightFor15 activists believe movement is related to lowering the age of consent across America
CNN expert: Kavanaugh confirmation will increase global warming by 3 degrees
Harry Reid comes forth to say Judge Kavanaugh didn't pay any taxes in high school
Hollywood to America: If you've got a flag on the Moon, you didn't plant that; some other country made that happen
Protest march in straight jackets against Trump ends in chaos as participants try but fail to free themselves
HEADLINES YOU WILL NEVER SEE: California Gov. Jerry Brown single-handedly stops wildfires in his state by issuing an immediate statewide ban on wildfires
San Francisco closes all Planned Parenthood clinics after sting operation catches employees using plastic straws
Vegan mother undergoes experimental surgery to force her breasts to produce almond milk
With none of his emails answered, frustrated Nigerian man commits suicide and leaves $100bn fortune to charity
California gives new meaning to strawman argument as caped Strawman battles supervillains in restaurants, bars, and fast food joints
Violence increases in Mexico as cartels switch from smuggling drugs to plastic straws to San Francisco
Obama proposes a Paris Economic Change agreement among nations to address how world will cope with future runaway economic warming
Stormy Daniels plans border visit to give migrant children freebies
San Francisco: man dumping off 20 lbs of human waste in plastic bag on street corner cited for using non-biodegradable plastic bag
BREAKING: ICE renamed Planned Citizenship, immediately absolving it of all criticism
Senate Democrats demand Supreme Court nominee not be unduly influenced by U.S. Constitution
BREAKING: In 2018, Obama and Biden can finally celebrate Recovery Summer
IG Report: the FBI broke the law, but since there was no criminal intent, no reasonable prosecutor would bring such a case
Pelosi on Trump's MS-13 "animals" comments: "Four legs good, two legs bad"
Iran nuclear talks set to resume between the United States and John Kerry
Report: The Mueller investigation has finally determined that the lyrics to Louie Louie are not about Trump and Russian collusion
MARKETS: Demand for carbon credits spikes as Hamas seeks to undo damage to Earth's atmosphere caused by burning 10,000 tires on Gaza border
BREAKING: After state reassignment surgery Pennsylvania will henceforth be known as Transylvania
Experts: If we don't act now, unicorns will be extinct in just ten years. Children will ask, "Mommy, what's a unicorn?" Women and minorities will be forced to seek alternative hallucinations
Korean war must continue: Hawaiian federal judge declares Trump's peace effort unconstitutional
New York: feminists march on Broadway, demand the street be given new, non-misogynistic name
Experts: California's planned transition of all state jobs from citizens to illegal aliens by 2020 will help to avoid bankruptcy and save money for social programs for illegal aliens
Putin: If I didn't want Hillary to be president she would be dead
Doritos maker PepsiCo to introduce snack line for women; new Doritas™ chips will be 77% as big as Doritos and won't make any scary 'crunchy noises'
TMZ: Tooth Fairy accused of sexually assaulting millions of children, outs self as Transgendered Tooth Recovery Specialist
RUSSIA COLLUSION: Trump offers Putin to trade Rep. Maxine Waters for two unnamed members of the State Duma
Ikea founder dead at 91; his coffin arrived in a box with confusing instructions and took 3 hours to assemble
This Thanksgiving ex-president Obama continues with his tradition of apologizing to turkeys everywhere for the injustice they suffered since America's founding
Oslo, Norway: 2017 Nobel Peace Prize goes to advocacy group about which you'll forget immediately after reading this headline
Cambridge, MA, library to replace racist 'Cat in the Hat' with inclusive 'Che in a Beret'
Millions of men worldwide eagerly await broadcast of Hugh Hefner's funeral, solely for the articles
Bill Gates offers to pay for Trump's wall on condition he gets to install Windows
Bernie Sanders introduces single-payer public transportation bill to end America's unequal, unfair, and expensive private transportation system
DNC embroiled in controversy after official Twitter account accidentally 'likes' pictures of US Constitution and Bill of Rights
Hurricane Irma hits Cuba, causes millions of dollars worth of improvements to property and infrastructure
Climate study: extreme weather may be caused by unlicensed witches casting wrong spells in well-meaning effort to destroy Trump
Ex-president Obama declares Irma "Hurricane of Peace," urges not to jump to conclusions and succumb to stormophobia
CNN: Trump reverses Obama's executive order banning hurricanes
ISIS claims responsibility for a total solar eclipse over the lands of American crusaders and nonbelievers
When asked if they could point to North Korea on a map many college students didn't know what a map was
CNN: We must bring America into the 21st century by replacing the 18th century Constitution with 19th century poetry
Pelosi: 'We have to impeach the president in order to find out what we impeached him for'
BREAKING: As of Saturday July 8, 2017, all of Earth's ecosystems have shut down as per Prince Charles's super scientific pronouncement made 96 months ago. Everything is dead. All is lost. Life on Earth is no more.
DNC to pick new election slogan out of four finalists: 'Give us more government or everyone dies,' 'Vote for Democrats or everyone dies,' 'Impeach Trump or everyone dies,' 'Stop the fearmongering or everyone dies'
Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power" is humanity's last chance to save the Earth before it ends five years ago
Experts: The more we embrace diversity the more everything is the same
BOMBSHELL: TMZ offers Kathy Griffin $5 mil to keep any future sex tape private
DEVELOPING: CNN, WaPo, NYT anonymous sources say Vladimir Putin may have ties to Russia
BREAKING: Manning and Snowden have come out with strong condemnation of Donald Trump leaking classified information to Russia
Gun store goes into lockdown over report an "active university professor" roving the grounds
Dozens injured at Ralph Lauren & Louis Vuitton headquarters after Ivanka calls in missile strikes on rival fashion houses
BOMBSHELL: Evidence proves Donald Trump conspired with his campaign to defeat Hillary Clinton
University ranked "very intolerant of free speech" fights the accusation by banning the study and all involved
Concerned that Russians don't consume enough alcohol in the month of March, Russia's Orthodox Church makes St. Patrick's Day official holiday
Grassroots group calls for "The Million Regulators March" on Washington, supported by all who fear the loss of their betters telling them what to do
Experts: Starbucks CEO Schultz's hiring of 10,000 Muslim refugees likely to blow up in his face
Will the groundprog be frightened by its own shadow and hide - or will there be another season of insane protests?
Trump signs executive order making California and New York national monuments; residents have two days to vacate
Women's March against fascism completed with 400,000 fewer deaths than anticipated
Feminist historians uncover ghastly concentration camps where so-called "housewives" were forced to live inauthentic lives slaving away in kitchens
Dictionary of the future: Global Warming was a popular computer simulation game, where the only way to win was not to play
"Anti-fascist" groups violently protest misspelling of their original name, "aren't-we-fascists"
Post-inauguration blues: millions of democrats distraught as the reality of having to find real jobs sets in
"Journalism is the continuation of war by other means" is exposed as a fake quote by mainstream media journalists
Congressional Democrats: "We cannot just simply replace Obamacare with freedom because then millions of Americans will suddenly become free"
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