Washington, DC (IP, UP, We All P)

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today announced the Fed's latest effort to stimulate the economy, QE 9 - A National Bake Sale.

Under the plan, the Fed will buy cakes, cookies, pies and other assorted baked goods from cash-strapped homeowners, bankrupt mortgage lenders and insolvent Eurozone countries at above-market prices. While not announcing specifically what prices the Fed might be prepared to pay, an anonymous source in First Lady Michelle Obama's office speaking on deep background said it is not inconcievable the Fed would pay upwards of one million dollars for chocolate chip cookies if they had "a lot of nuts and chips." She emphasized she was speaking hypothetically as she would have to have the cookies appraised first before any bids would be made.

While not acknowledging directly that he thought QE 8, the Fed's plan to mail rolls of quarters to homeowners 90 days or more late on their mortgages, has been a failure, Bernanke nevertheless expressed concern that the unemployment rate is still stuck at the 25% level that President Obama inherited from his predecessor George W. Bush, even if one included "jobs imagined, thought or dreamt about" in the BLS calculations as the Administration recently demanded. The Chairman appeared to be baffled and frustrated by the economy's failure to pick up and mused that perhaps ingesting a lot of sugar while they were baking would make consumers hyperactive and maybe get them to do something.

After the announcement, Mr. Bernanke took questions from the assembled reporters. The questions focused on the lack of results from previous stimulative efforts and was terminated abruptly when one journalist asked a question regarding the definition of "insanity."

Meanwhile, the White House announced the 2012 Presidential Elections would be once again postponed, this time until June 2017, owing to the widespread weakness in the economy. Press secretary Jay Carney stated the Administration felt it was unfair to hold an election when so many voters could not afford gas to drive to the polls. After Mr. Bernanke's announcement, President Obama immediately left on a brief fact-finding trip which was expected to last for a couple of months, at least.

The Fed expects to start accepting baked goods for bidding on the first of next month. Products containing marzipan will not be considered for bids.

QE 8 furthermore failed because it relied upon the US Postal service to conduct Saturday Deliveries. Rolls of quarters are worth ten dollars, but it cost $12.45 to mail and insure and guarantee delivery.

Dear Leader said it will work, so somebody FAILED and must be punished.

Tovarichi wrote:QE 8 furthermore failed because it relied upon the US Postal service to conduct Saturday Deliveries. Rolls of quarters are worth ten dollars, but it cost $12.45 to mail and insure and guarantee delivery.

Comrade, QE 8 was also intended to bail out the Post Office. Sadly, it did not work as most recipients threw the rolls of quarters out, thinking they were junk mail.

NOOOOO! Now I feel foolish. I thought that the "Occupy Austin" movement had found a way to solve their santiation problems! It's a good thing I had it forwarded to the White House...

Tovarichi.....
These OWS protests make Hippie Hollow seem like a country club.

Krasno, I must argue the point. At Hippie Hollow, I saw no hand knit sweaters, or redistributed clothings...and the ladies were showered and shaved (legs of course...)

Comrades, when I was at Hippie Hollow some 30 years ago, the part that I walked to had er no clothing at all. And if you remember, some comrades might not want to walk a long way around away from the parking lot. There there are no women with legs to look at. And no clothes either.

Opiate, I very much like the idea of postponing the presidential elections yet again. Who knows that mischief the proles will make if they're given their heads? We cannot safely hold another election until the only people with the franchise are graduates of the English, sociology, or political-science departments of universities.

No hard sciences allowed; no self-made men or women. That way we can have a fair election.