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THIS IS CNN

Wolf Blitzer: We've just received word that in Dallas, the Affordable Care Act was apparently shot at while in a motorcade with President Obama and Nancy Pelosi. The details are not entirely clear at this point, but police are searching for a lone gunman who is probably a veteran, tea partier, and grandmother of 3. Please stay tuned to this post for more details.

This just in: Nancy Pelosi is wearing a puce suit with a matching pillbox hat. The Affordable Health Care Act was looking dashing in several large size loose leaf binders with a backup copy on a disk in a pre-printed jewel case. No one wondered what the president was wearing, so we can't report it.

We go now to our random homely female reporter standing in front of the Capitol building saying stuff to fill the time until we get more information.

Random homely reporter (in front of the Capitol Building): That's right Wolf, and the nation is very tense as it awaits news after this shocking event. At about 12:30 this afternoon, while admirers were cheering from the curb, the Affordable Health Care Act was seen to lurch forward, and although the next few seconds were confusion to all, bystanders soon realized that the Act had been shot, perhaps fatally wounded. We've been told that the motorcade has rushed to the nearby Dallas franchise of Hospitals-R-Us, an institution fully committed to the Act. We're then told that the Act has been moved to trauma room 5,203.

There are rumors that there was some delay as the Act had not met its deductible for its insurance yet; luckily, the President and Speaker both had some spare change, and they charged the rest to the American people.

There were rumors at first that President Obama had also been injured, and he had, but he healed instantaneously as he is, of course, President Obama.

Now, Wolf, I've just been given this update.... the Affordable Health Care yet has no pulse, no blood pressure, and no brain waves; but doctors are not sure what this means as the Act has no heart, no blood and no brain.... back to you Wolf.

This is tragical, Comrade Kelly! What will become of Carelot?!?

Surely President Obama (pbuh) can use executive order to delay death of AHCA for a year? Or raise death ceiling over and over?

A suspect was in custody. The glitch is that she declined an interview, so we may never know the extent of the rethuglikkan conspiracy.

AHCA assassinated? Damn, another conspiracy that will dog us for the next 50 years... should be enough time to get the website working. Maybe. Well,....

We may never know the full details of this incident, but it can safely be assumed that George Bush was somehow deeply involved.

I've always liked the theme song...

Don't worry comrades. The ACA cannot die. It will only seem that way in the press. The MSM will soon resurrect it for the next installment: "Return of the ACA" Watch as the larger, improved ACA battles roving hoards of pitchfork wielding teabaggers!

You may dispense with the pleasantries, Commander. I'm here to put you back on schedule. Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate the ACA workers.