While the world's attention was riveted upon Ukraine, unforeseen events developed with shocking speed in the heart of what was once Putin's Russia.  It seems that about 11 American tourists in Moscow with close historical ties to the United States marched to the McDonald's on Ulitsa Bolshaya Ordynka and declared Moscow, in fact, the entire Moscow Oblast, to be the Republic of New Washington.

Shortly after the declaration of the breakaway republic of New Washington, the rebels' numbers swelled with volunteers who seem to have simply arrived in large numbers by bus along with a small entourage of Russian women who were led to believe many of the separatists didn't drink.  The well armed American volunteers quickly formed a defensive perimeter in a manner similar to that of highly trained and battle experienced troops, but all such speculation is, of course, utter nonsense.  Russian police and military forces responded quickly, but were ordered not to antagonize the separatists as there could be little doubt that the CIA was looking for a provocation to justify wider intervention in the area.

Speaking from the Kremlin, now under siege, President Putin appealed to President Biden to withdraw the separatists and return Moscow to Russia.  President Biden told Putin sharply, "Do not interfere with internal American affairs!"  Putin arranged an urgent video conference with President Xi of China but was met with a silent, enigmatic smile from the Chinese president.

As a necessary precaution, President Biden has sent the First Armored Division along the Baltic Highway towards Moscow for a potential peacekeeping mission while elements of the 82nd and 173rd airborne divisions secured the Kremlin.  "All this," said President Biden at a press conference, "is to help the millions of Russian citizens who asked for American intervention and invited American troops to make the Moscow Oblast America's 51st state.  This is why tonight I am signing an executive order admitting Moscow to the Union while I review different ideas for our new 51 star flag."