President* Joe Biden has obtained combat fighter ace status after shooting down a number of balloons over used car sales lots and various other threats to National Security™.

“I’ve been flying F16s since I was 16”, stated the president*, “I’m not joking! I will keep fighting for the working men and women of America by shooting down anything that floats! If they put it up there, it’s coming down. No matter the cost. I will fight to keep Americans safe.”

Concern by hot air balloonists and high school science project organizers has been dismissed by the administration as a distraction.

A Department of Defense spokesperson stated, “Look, our job is to defend America, which is why we like to shoot these things down anywhere we can’t find the debris. Nobody gets hurt, that way. Would you like a $400,000 missile landing in your backyard? Anyone who objects to this has questionable motives. Are they working for the Chinese? The Russians? I think the FBI should investigate if that’s the case. Our job is to protect American Democracy™ and defend our fighting president*!”

The Administration proposed a national ban on all floating objects until the crisis has passed.


 

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote: ↑

2/18/2023, 4:49 pm

The Administration proposed a national ban on all floating objects until the crisis has passed.

Reminds me of the last time I went (or would ever again) go swimming at the Bear Mountain Public Pool in New York State.

I was relaxing at poolside when a fat little kid nearby began audibly heaving. He put his palm over his mouth and, wide-eyed, he dashed to the edge of the pool, leaned over and croaked out a fountain of chunky vomit directly into the shimmering blue water.

I know it's a bit off topic, but you started it with that video.

 

I don't think that's entirely off topic, Comrade Colonel. After all, when the floating chunky bits hit the filter, who knows what the result will be. But never mind. We have Fighting™ Joe protecting us and having little black kids rubbing his legs while he learns about roaches and kids sitting on his lap. Joe was a pool life guard, you know.

On the subject of air balloons, our comradettes in the Motherland are once again at the forefront of struggle against American imperialism. The first sign says, "F*k USA" spelled out phonetically in Cyrillic. The words on the balloon say, "Death to American imperialism."

Note: This isn't parody. This is 100% pure Russian patriotism as a product of Putin's anti-American propaganda machine.

It may not be meant to be parody, Comrade Director, but it certainly appears to be. It looks about as technologically up to date as their military. They can barely fly drones into Ukraine and these people believe that Russia put together a balloon with a pay load the size of 3 buses. It has me wondering, if Russia did launch a nuclear war, how many of their own cities would they hit? They've hit Belgorod a number of times with their own conventional missiles.

I'm reminded of this gem:

Red Square wrote: ↑

2/20/2023, 1:01 pm

On the subject of air balloons, our comradettes in the Motherland are once again at the forefront of struggle against American imperialism. The first sign says, "F*k USA" spelled out phonetically in Cyrillic. The words on the balloon say, "Death to American imperialism."

Imagine if she were Canadian, eh?

 

Red Square wrote: ↑

2/20/2023, 1:01 pm

On the subject of air balloons, our comradettes in the Motherland are once again at the forefront of struggle against American imperialism. The first sign says, "F*k USA" spelled out phonetically in Cyrillic. The words on the balloon say, "Death to American imperialism."

Imagine if she were Canadian, eh?