Embattled Clarence Thomas Wishing he'd Accepted Foreign Bribes Instead of Vacationing with Friends

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Washington, DC -- As attacks intensify against Clarence Thomas and the other conservative Supreme Court justices for receiving gifts from his friends, Justice Thomas is reportedly wishing he had just received millions in foreign cash instead.

Propublica and the New York Times have been publishing detailed exposés recently on Justice Thomas, analyzing every gift, vacation, trip, and purchase from the last forty years.  These hard-hitting reports showed a disturbing pattern of personal friends not charging the Justice when they traveled together on yachts or personal aircraft.

Justice Thomas has mostly ignored the accusations, but veterans of the Washington political scene were critical of these concerning appearances of impropriety.

As a Political Action Committee chair stated "Most high level politicians make their own money and don't need any help from their friends.  Why didn't he just set up off shore shell companies, then use aliases and non-official email addresses to solicit millions from our adversaries?  That's one way to pay for your vacations without making it look like your rich buddies are influencing you by giving you a free ride on their jet, am I right?"

He offered more ideas to the beleaguered Justice.  "There are so many options to make extra cabbage.  How about setting up a charitable foundationThat's popular.  Or get into investing in the companies you regulate, like so many of my friends in congress do?  They're so good at making money in the stock market, I sometimes think the 'D' behind their name stands for 'Dang Good Investor', you know?"