Comrades!

The charges against the arch-criminal Donald Trump are solid and sure to result in his conviction.  The Department of Justice assures us it is true, this time.  He will be convicted and spend the rest of his days in prison.

This presents us with a new problem.  If the arch-criminal Trump is not on the ballot, which of the lesser misguided minions of the Republican Party will take his place?  Since we can only manufacture a certain number of votes plausibly, it is imperative that we prepare a slate of criminal charges against the potential candidates.

The rub is that it cannot appear to be a political prosecution.  We have perhaps used the FBI too freely in our zeal to cripple the Trump campaign.  Our media allies can only spin the thread so thin before it breaks.  We need accusations from solid and honest citizens.

To this end, the DOJ has turned to us, the stalwarts of the Party, to compile a list of viable crimes to thwart the evil that lurks on the other side of the aisle.

I have it on good authority, for example, that Mike Pence has, willfully and with malice aforethought, torn the tags off of all the mattresses in his home, even those of his children.

Rumor has it that Tim Scott repeatedly violated copyright laws to make so-called "mix tapes" when he was a teenager.  It is likely that he has continued this criminal behavior into his adult years despite the fact that cassette tapes are no longer in use.  Like all Republicans, he longs for the return of the days of Jim Crow and Sony tape decks.

Below is a list of the current slate of the other GOP candidates.  Search your files, comrades! Exercise your imaginations!  We must fabricate charges suitable to each if we want to protect Our Democracy.™

Vivek Ramaswamy
Mike Pence
Ron DeSantis
Nikki Haley
Chris Christie
Tim Scott
Corey Stapleton
Doug Burgum
Perry Johnson
Will Hurd
Francis Suarez
Asa Hutchinson
Larry Elder

Have at them, comrades!  Cry hammock and let quip the hogs that swore!

Doug Burgum is a hoarder. He has hoarded way above his quota of 'U's, leaving none for even his own colleagues in the pool. If left unchecked, he'll take the 'U' from the name of the country, leaving only 'SA.' I suggest we redistribute his 'U's to Muke Punce and Chrus Chrustie.

Mike Pence for violating copyright law and appropriating Doc Savage's image for deceptive political purposes.

Nikki Haley‘s teeth reek of white supremacy. Just opening her mouth to reveal her pearly whites (!) is a hate crime.

Asa Hutchison dared to lead the Republican Party to rethink the State’s engagement in the cultural war against insane parents and twisted doctors changing the gender of children. Hutchison’s leadership to restrain the power of government in addressing the culture war that is so important to protecting parental and medical rights will only encourage the Republican Party to continue to declare what’s sane and insane as if they were in touch with some God capable of making decisions for others about what’s right and wrong. Hutchison must be declared a thought criminal and imprisoned, yesterday.

Larry Elder is an Uncle Tom Oreo denier of his own melatonin character. Elder is a threat to Black Lives everywhere, mattering.

Chris Christie’s name is a double mention of Christ which crosses the Rubicon divide between State and Church.

Ivan Betinov wrote: ↑

8/12/2023, 6:06 pm

Cry hammock and let quip the hogs that swore!

Isn’t that supposed to be “Sigh 'hammock' and let sleep the dogs that snore”?

(Or is it, “Cry haddock and let’s catch the fish offshore”) 

Perry Johnson, not only for being the creepiest looking Presidential wannabe since Al Lewis but for the thousands of fraudulent signatures on the petition he submitted in his 2022 bid for Michigan Governor.


Larry Elder for pushing a suspicious, non-pharmaceutical “pain reliever” on a gullible public. 

Iosef wrote: ↑

8/19/2023, 6:31 pm

Nailed it, Joe.
 

Mitt Romney still has binders full of womyns...

Sarah Palin hasn't transitioned yet...

Going to be a difficult decision.

Komissar al-Blogunov wrote: ↑

8/20/2023, 3:21 pm

Archfiend Mike Pence for his offensive morality. If he's not going to have an affair or two, can he really be trusted as a politician?

Not a problem. That's why we have Garland's DOJ. You bring him the man, he'll find you the crime.


We can start right now. An allegation of an affair will suffice if it's serious enough. Mitt has his binders, Mike will have his benders. You can't find a woman to point a finger? That only means he's gay. He's been seen in the company of many men. Take your pick.

Cowboy, huh? Wink-wink.

Jackalopelipsky’s gotta tell you comrades, Nikki Haley and her big white teethy smile keeps trying to stalk ‘pelipsky by sending these creepy texts using the contacts list she purchased from Rona at the RNC GOPe to ‘pelipsky’s phone. No matter how many times ‘pelipsky reports Nikki’s texts as unwanted junk! It’s like reporting a bot call or something equally stalky creepiness. Not a real person, like that guy on some plane flying out of Texazistan.
‘pelipsky getting the sense Nikki is wanting to add a jackalope on her trophy wall.

It’s like a reboot of the Josey Wales story. Who is that bearded red leg backing Pence’s play western?

Red Square wrote: ↑

8/20/2023, 4:55 pm

Komissar al-Blogunov wrote: ↑

8/20/2023, 3:21 pm

Archfiend Mike Pence for his offensive morality. If he's not going to have an affair or two, can he really be trusted as a politician?

Not a problem. That's why we have Garland's DOJ. You bring him the man, he'll find you the crime.



We can start right now. An allegation of an affair will suffice if it's serious enough. Mitt has his binders, Mike will have his benders. You can't find a woman to point a finger? That only means he's gay. He's been seen in the company of many men. Take your pick.

Cowboy, huh? Wink-wink.

That's it! He may have lived near a theater that showed Brokeback Mountain. Guilty.

Al-Blogunov, that's a good start. Perhaps we need to seed a few rumors about a special "private" showing for the former VP and a few intimate friends?

Chris Christi doesn’t know how to order a cheesesteak.
Update
After further CC pondering, ‘pelipsky has concurred that CC knows how to order a cheesesteak, he just eats it with a knife and fork. CC also eats a slice with silverware.

jackalopelipsky wrote: ↑

8/21/2023, 8:04 am

...cheesesteak, he just eats it with a knife and fork. CC also eats a slice with silverware.

Not to judge by appearances, but consensus in the tractor barn is that Comrade Christi doesn't waste much time with silverware as it slows him down...

Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote: ↑

8/22/2023, 3:56 pm

jackalopelipsky wrote: ↑

8/21/2023, 8:04 am

...cheesesteak, he just eats it with a knife and fork. CC also eats a slice with silverware.

Not to judge by appearances, but consensus in the tractor barn is that Comrade Christi doesn't waste much time with silverware as it slows him down...

So, the rumor mill at the Tractor Barn is Christi is better known as cheese whiz fingers?

WELL, that is implied, but it goes further than that... just past the toolroom door of the tractor barn, there on the men's port-a-potty wall, someone (I cannot confirm nor deny the identity of the guilty Comrade) has described Chris Christi as "cheese whiz shirt/tie/trousers..."

Such cleverness of word choice causes one to giggle as if having stayed up too late imbibing adult strength beverages.

Mike Pence should also be investigated—and possibly prosecuted—for his bizarre relationship with underage boys Johnny Quest and Raj back in the late 1960s.