As the nation pants for the investiture of His O'liness BarackHussein Obama on Tuesday, the ugly specter of discrimination raises its head. The inauguration committee has only allowed for 5,000 portable potties. If there is one thing that the past few decades has taught us, it is that Progressives need lots of potties. And furthermore, said potties need to be potties that all progressives can use, regardless of age, sex, physical abilities, how much makeup they need to put on, or how often they need to change their adult diapers for those Progressives who feel the unjust social stigma against soiled underclothes.

George Washington University professor John Banzhaf is the father of the Progressive thought of Potty Parity. He says that not only is waiting in line inconvenient but it can lead to medical problems. It can certainly lead to public-sanitation problems.

Banzhaf's fifteen minutes of fame is the Progressive reasoning that since women talk twice as long in the restroom as men then there ought to be twice as many women's potties as men's potties. This would be fine except that Banzhaf's mind is in the locker room and not as finely attuned politically as it could be.

As a true Progressive, I have a problem with his thinking. I do not for a second wish to disesteem our female comrades but the simple facts of nature militate the other way. Women, perforce, have a much harder time pissing on people than men do. And taking twice as long to do it? Since the first duty of a Progressive is pissing on people, and since men seem to be four times as good, except of course for Our Many Titted Empress, PBUH, when measured in time slices, as women in pissing on people, it only stands to reason that there ought to be four times as many men's potties as women's potties.

To get the maximum of pissing on people which is the first and last duty of a true Progressive.

Comrade Commissar Theocritus,

I applaud your bravery for bringing this matter to our attention, but alllow me to propose a more eco-friendly suggestion: the communal cesspool. Males and females alike are both humans and should be equally comfortable expressing and purging themselves of natural waste matter. Not only will it provide welcome, if highly localized and short-term, heat in typically cold January, it can later be collected and spread across the lawn and greenspace rooftops of public buildings as a symbolic and applied gesture to environmental justice and awareness. The people's manure would nurture trees, grass, and flowers, much as The One has nurtured his own image.

By allowing the fawning masses to excrete at whim, collectively, is not only true physical unity. Nay, it would also reduce the financial burden that renting thousands of Portolets would require. Moreover, nothing makes one more aware of the importance of saving the Earth when standing in and inhaling the cleansing aroma of fresh dung.

Tovarich, do you realize what a shock you gave me? "...the cleansing aroma of fresh dung."

You have obviously <i>never</i> been at the Rancho de Rio Grande when our Many Titted Empress was here. Or you wouldn't have talked about fresh dung.

I actually had a special wing constructed for her. The floors sloped, rather precipitously, toward the center, which had not only a drain but a three-phase garbage disposal from the Grainger catalog in it. I had PhDs decide the perfect slope for the sewage pipes, so that they not back up nor run too fast, leaving the dung to harden in the pipes.

When our MTE is at the Rancho, I have to call in the all the fire trucks along the Rio Grande.

You are completely wrong, Commissar Theocritus. Completely and utterly wrong, wrong, wrong.

First and foremost, a true progressive -- one who is truly progressive -- would recognize that the portable potty is an obtrusive and oppressive device used to hide one of nature's most precious and innocent functions: shitting and pissing.

Secondly, you fail to notice the environmental impact a portable potty would have on the local ecosystem -- which in my guess would be absolutely catastrophic! People need to piss and poop without the petit bourgeoisie confines of a private lavatory and must do so as nature intended them to --- on the streets for all to see! The Europeans have no quarrel with crapping all over their thoroughfares and if we are ever going to be as enlightened and forward-thinking as the Europeans we are going to have to move past this idea of ‘sanitation'. Think of all the flowers, trees and animals that would be able to nourish themselves off the tons upon tons of human fecal matter! Think about the animals, dammit! Think about the animals and then think about the Children who would then be able to pet the happy and well fed little animals!

You disgust me, Theocritus. Your small thinking and lack of vision is just the thing President Obama will not tolerate! We are going to have a new declaration of independence for people like you, Theocritus! Oh yes we will!

Meow, Meow, Meow, I say in sadness. I see that you must have been on a bender, or perhaps have not recovered from waking up in Mao's coffin with my stolen roofies and that half gallon of Jack Black. (Just <i>why</i> did you need to steal my roofies for Mao? But I digress.)

One of the things that a <i>true</i> progressive first learns is not to step on the feet, or trotters, as the case may be, of other progressives. Other progressives that is who can do you damage.

I had explicit instructions from Speakerette Nansky that under no circumstances would any other shit be allowed to outshine the shit of her Screechiness. You get that? I don't care if the Ringling Brothers circus came to town and all the elephants that they had, born and unborn, managed to deliver themselves of all the contents of their bowels, it was under no circumstances to overshadow the poop train of Miss Nansky.

And I think that you're a bit behind the times for the Europeans. Mencken said, 80 years ago, that he'd trade the Parthenon for a single American bathroom. This shamed them and they've begun to follow decadent American customs. Why, when I was in Paris a few years ago I was shocked--shocked, I say--to find that the public street-corner pissoirs had been shut down. What is France without pissing on the streets? I ask you, is that culture shock or what?

Next thing you know the French will actually keep their word, and one of these days a French president won't stab everyone else in the back while looking down his beak. And then the impossible will happen. The fireworks at EuroDisney will go off and no Frenchman will surrender!

Although are we not getting a little bit into Pupovich's racket? After all, he's patented Talent Shitting™. Now we could to and fro over whether or not people taking a dump on the streets at the Investiture of His O'liness constitutes talent shitting, especially when CNN will be doing some really big talent shitting, that is when they're not doing talent blowing.

Portapotties are symbolic of everything that's wrong with corporate, capitalist America, and should be banned. Think about it. Someone is being paid to provide those portapotties. I ask you, is it right correct that a private entity should be allowed to profit from the bodily functions and wastes of the masses?

I propose laying down pictures and effigies of George W. Bush, as well as providing them for wipes. The people can stomp their shoes on him AND piss/poo on him at the same time!

This also provides further benefits unavailable with a mere portapotty:

1. No waiting in line, as everyone will be jostling for a chance to soil Bush's already vile image.

2. Not only does it relieve certain body parts, but it relieves stress by releasing huge amounts of HBO.

3. The masses--especially the children--will have fun and be able to create impromptu parties and games out of it--especially since, being the masses, they won't be allowed in to attend the parties and games associated with The One's Inaugural.

4. Being Bush pictures and effigies, once thoroughly soiled they can crumple and pile them up, then burn them! There'll be huge bonfires to keep the masses warm on that freezing day.

Of course, by dawn the next day, the city may well look like that village the train passed through in Doctor Zhivago--blackened structures crumbling in the snow, people shivering around scattered, dying fires. In the interim, there may be looting and shootings and rapes, but that's okay. They can just say the Whites did it in retaliation for stealing the portapotties!

Commissarka, your solution is ingenious. And I'm always up for a little HBO, or a lot. Dumping on W's picture? It sends shivers up my spine and wobbles my tripes.

But there is only one problem that I see. Although your defecation desecration is wonderful, is it not <i>too</i> targeted? After all, a true Progressive has a good deal of directed hate but always room for some widespread pissing and moaning. "There's always room for Jello" in Libspeak is "There's always room to piss on someone else."

What about the devil Cheney? Rumsfeld? All those other Rethuglicans. The organizational problem is this. If we are to provide images and visages to dump on and wipe with, how do we apportion them? Have them shuffled like a deck of cards? Or say that W gets the Mall, Cheney gets DuPont Circle, and so forth?

What if the crowds are not diverse enough. It would be a tragedy to find that more blacks than the national average had dumped say on W while not enough had dumped on Cheney.

Do not be worried though if Washington looks the city in <i>Dr. Zhivago</i>. The new regime with its theme of openness will be pleased. For the outside will match the inside.

Comrades, you have all overlooked the fact that porta-potties represent an excellent new source of People's Tasty Creme^TM. Because I have been drinking heavily recently in anticipation celebration of the next 4 years under a Progressive president and Congress, I recently had a vision of a combination porta-potty and People's Tasty Creme vending pushcart type of thing. When it is turned right-side up, it is a normal porta-potty and the PTC accumulates on the bottom in a holding tank. There are wheels on the top so when you turn it upside down, it is mobile and the PTC gushes down into a dispensing mechanism built into the roof. A comrade vendor can then wheel the PTC pushcart to wherever demand is greatest (probably around Congresspersons, for they seem to eat the most People's Tasty Creme) and dispense society's gift to the masses until the tank runs dry. Then, turn it back over and resume the accumulation process! Perhaps we can install loudspeakers to proclaim "Celebrate Obama Day with People's Tasty Creme!", thus encouraging sales and mirth-making while inflicting maximum annoyance. I don't want to blow my own horn (because I have quite a hangover and He isn't even in office yet) but I think I have an excellent idea here, although some cynics might say I am full of People's Tasty Creme.

Opiate, that is inspired. Concessions and public sanitation at the same time. Since we have determined that people are exothermic, producing more People's Tasty Crème than they emit, we still have the trouble of what to do with the excess.

For this I propose that we load the excess PTC onto Laurie David's Gulfstream 5 and take it to Somalia.

Comrades,

The People's Tasty Cream collection and dispenser unit is quite good, although I must beg to differ slightly with Commissarka Pinkie about providing wipes. Nothing is better than experiencing nature, nay nautral humanity--how should I say it?--firsthand (or, for Muslims, southpaw).

In the '90s, excreta topped the charts as Nirvana's hit song "Smells Like Teen Spirit." I was thinking it could be recycled to smell like Hope™ and Change™ during the inauguration. As The One speaks, there will be aural and visual stimulation but adding olfactory stimulation (and possibly even taste!) would result in a community-organized sensory overload that would cause all in attendance to undergo a full and permanent conversion to Obamunism.

Oh, and being in East Asia, I am proud to say I'll experience Tuesday sooner than those of you trapped in AmeriKKKa; however, I will be so wired on Hope, Change, and whatever uppers I can get my mitts on that I'll be able to watch The One live as the skies part, multiple rainbows form, lightning restricts itself to lower levels of energy at continuous and eternal duration thereby creating natural energy independence, all fire ants sail back to South America, snail darters and spotted owls suddenly explode in numbers in new habitats, and bowels move.

Tovarich, you sound as though you are in a true Nirvana. Did you leave out the unicorns and pastel-colored rabbits huggy-bunnies? For we cannot have Choke and Mange, that is, Hope and Change, unless we have all sorts of happy-clappy cute little animals which will lead us into the Progressive World of Next Tuesday™.

I've been thinking though. People's Tasty Crème is all well and good but it's so <i>louche</i> to squirt it directly into the mouth. It ought to be finger food for something as auspicious as the Investiture of His O'liness. So I propose that we process the bird shit into water crackers. Pupovich will be of help in this, being able to train the birds to talent-shit onto conveyor belts.

Comrade Commissar Theocritus,

In almost as many hours as I have digits, life as we know it will resemble, immediately, an uncanny likeness to Jehovah's Witness publications I recall in which children (in slightly dated apparel) play with previously dangerous wildlife and everything a copacetic cornucopia. I can't wait for updated Jack Chick-knockoff comic booklets denouncing Them and directing us to follow in the path of The One.

Maybe the comics will be known as Obama Chic booklets.

Tovarich, I worry myself about the Left Behind series. After the Investiture of The One, do you suppose that his most fervent supporters will be lifted to that Great Big USSR in the sky, leaving behind only the doubters?

Comrades, I am glad to see that apparently Commissar Theocritus has turned from his previously demented love of discriminatory porta potties as expressed in his last second embrace of Commissarka Pinkie's compromise. It is not Commissar Theocritus' fault really, after all, he is quite the intellectual here, and we know what that means do we not? Sometimes this can cloud his vision from the simple vision for today as expressed by the Chairman. I mean after all, how can one mark one's territory if reduced to doing it in some porta potty? Power to the lifted leg Comrades!

Pupovich, we are all intellectuals here. Remember the intellectual is someone who sees the Great Truth in his mind and will change <i>everything</i> to make the world conform to that.

The French are intellectuals. And they're in their sixth republic which will not be able to stand under the weight of the Islamic assault.

Marx was an intellectual.

Freud was an intellectual.

Conservatives, those thugs, are not intellectuals because they are slaves to experience and we all know what a dictator experience is. It crushes <i>so</i> many dreams.

So we are all intellectuals.

Commissar, I would never wish to be deemed an intellectual... I am but a simple working dog, in tune with the Space Hero's transmissions and toe the Party line. My only thought is how may I serve the Party in the manner the Party would have me serve. Any time I start to find such thinking enter my thoughts as you engage in, I grab my People's Shovel and get in touch with my Inner Comrade. Must I remind you of that other great intellectual, Trotsky? My uncle Iosef had quite a thing with intellectuals you know?

Marshal Pupovich wrote:Power to the lifted leg Comrades!

Comrades,

This seems like a new physical gesture of fealty (or, salute) to The One. I will hold off on whether skirt-clad comradettes, especially Paris Hilton and that singer girl--ah, Britney Spears--who apparently shun undergarments be required to salute.

Pupovich, you claim not to be an intellectual but who else could have trained birds--<i>birds</i>--in talent shitting? This proves that you are an intellectual. This shovel bit--you learned this from Pinkie of course--and you also learned that that's how she disguises her intellectualism.

The only one of us who is not intellectual is Meow because he's nothing but a big huge throbbing id. Not necessarily sexual, although that bit about waking up in Mao's coffin still needs an explanation, but in the constant gratification of his larceny, dishonesty and deep-rooted desire to make trouble.

So yes, dear Pupovich, although you disclaim it, you are an intellectual.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Tovarich, I worry myself about the Left Behind series. After the Investiture of The One, do you suppose that his most fervent supporters will be lifted to that Great Big USSR in the sky, leaving behind only the doubters?

Comrade Commissar Theocritus,

I fear there will be widespread orgasms not seen since the Beatles first played in the USSA. While some will find this an added plus, older supporters might simultaneously have heart attacks (and those hearts will be under added stress of cold weather, whether Bush-controlled or because of Al Gore's pressence), causing Jonestown-like mass collapses and ectoplasmic ascendancies.

I hope the planners have on hand an adequate quantity of dream catchers, psychics, and Ghostbusters.

Tovarich, I think that you are right. Perhaps we could have first-aid stations with aromatherapy. Acupuncture, do you think? We need reasons to keep these Made Progressives here on earth--macrobiotic burritos? Shiatsu? Chablis shooters?

We do not want Made Progressive or just plain stupid people to get so blissed out that that they depart this world.

Theo,
Would not the People's Tasty Cream collection and dispensary units provide aromatherapy? Of course, it's not going to take four years to get used to that smell to the point where it no longer registers.

You know, I just realized that the drone metal band Sunn O))), of the Southern Lord label, was not invited to play the Inauguration. This is a shame, because one of their stated goals has been to play so loud and so low that it will trigger an involuntary physical response causing audiences to crap spontaneously and uncontrollably: perfect!

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<br>For a very proletarian review, please gander hyar.

Comrades, PLEASE!

I do understand the excitement that all are feeling on this momentus occasion! But can we please keep the merriment and depravitymirth down to a loud roar?

If anyone had bothered to read the Internal Memos sent out regarding the removal of the People's "crappy waste" from Washington, DC, you would have realized that all is under control!

Semi-haulers have been dispatched to collect and bring the shit etc... to Marshal's Talent-Shitting Processing Facilities to be transformed into the Peoples TastyCreme(tm). We will see an enormousprofit benefit from this endeavor, comrades. And no, Meow, you missed the boat on this one. The spoils have already been divided up..err....will be deposited in the People's Treasury to help offset the humongeous,considerable...though reasonable (except for the food, about which I am enraged!) cost of the One's extravaganza!

Commissarka Pinkie~ an excellent suggestion about the Bu$hitler TP. I believe we can implement this right away!(she is the model progressive when it comes to degrading and punishing the evil incarnate Bu$hitler, for which we all love her)

SMO~ your vending proposition will definitely be implemented for future events. A truly enlightened and drug-induced (party hearty sister, wish I was there), well thought out suggestion!

As for dealing with the mystical qualities of the revelers succumbing to the overwhelming, joyous festivities, well everbody, we are very lucky to have the services of the great Grigori, eh? He has already been informed what to do, and is standing at the ready, comrades!

And finally Commissar Theo~ Have you never heard of a Golden Shower? The (sic) ageless practice is a bedroom trick practised by all truly progressive women of the Party(tm), silly!

Ah, yes, the Golden Shower. Do you think that we ought to install bathtubs in the lawn of the Mall to make them easier for people?

Once I read of a progressive woman who insisted that it was her right to pee at the moment of orgasm and she took offense when men leapt out of her bed and ran off into the night, screaming with disgust.

I think that woman should get a double ration of People's Tasty Crème.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Pupovich, you claim not to be an intellectual but who else could have trained birds--<i>birds</i>--in talent shitting? This proves that you are an intellectual. This shovel bit--you learned this from Pinkie of course--and you also learned that that's how she disguises her intellectualism.

Commissar, as Marshal, I have divisions of oxygen consumers under my command, some of whom are indeed intellectuals. However, you are correct for as you know, I have indeed trained in a People's School, the dark arts of B. F. Skinner, even trained under a professor who was trained by the great man himself. But I would hardly say this makes me an intellectual. Have you no idea how often I must Google some phrase or even some food group that just seems to roll off your silver tongue? But I also must challenge your comment on the inestimable Commissarka. While I by no means mean to deny her great work here, I learned the shovel from my first day at the Cube. It all starts at "boot camp" at the KMRC, and daily meditation that I may stay in contact with my Inner Comrade.

Comrade_Tovarich wrote:You know, I just realized that the drone metal band Sunn O))), of the Southern Lord label, was not invited to play the Inauguration. This is a shame, because one of their stated goals has been to play so loud and so low that it will trigger an involuntary physical response causing audiences to crap spontaneously and uncontrollably: perfect!

It is rare indeed to see such a talent....And there is money to be made playing a guitar in such a fashion? Dear Lenin, if only I had not had to pawn my Fender Telecaster so many years ago! I suppose that is why they wear the robes, for if they were to achieve the searched for Brown note, they being closest to the source would be the first to display their success!

Che Gourmet wrote:If anyone had bothered to read the Internal Memos sent out regarding the removal of the People's "crappy waste" from Washington, DC, you would have realized that all is under control!

Semi-haulers have been dispatched to collect and bring the shit etc... to Marshal's Talent-Shitting Processing Facilities to be transformed into the Peoples TastyCreme(tm). We will see an enormousprofit benefit from this endeavor, comrades. And no, Meow, you missed the boat on this one. The spoils have already been divided up..err....will be deposited in the People's Treasury to help offset the humongeous,considerable...though reasonable (except for the food, about which I am enraged!) cost of the One's extravaganza!

I suppose we could not keep this secret forever. Ah, well it is too late now as the collection has begun, though it may take a while to determine the minimum to skim off the top to send to Party Headquarters to allay suspicion...er...cut the checks to the Party.

Marshal, I do take your point about earning your shovel on your first day at the party. But you, old friend, are a victim to fame. Pinkie's fame, that is. Columbus really didn't discover America. Some Vikings did 500 years before. But do <i>they</i> get the credit for it? No. No, they don't.

Pinkie has made so much of her shovel and those goddamned stinking fart-producing good-for-nothing-but-borscht People's Beets that forever she will be identified with shovels.

As a matter of fact I was watching <i>Colossal Construction</i> on satellite and I saw that the huge strip-mining shovel no longer had Caterpillar on it but was labeled Pinkie.

Comrades,

Although disputes about whether to use yogurt, yoghurt, or sour cream continue, borscht is good food. Why, I helped my wife make it the other day, with canned beets, not fresh ones.

I still have not made Senegalese Peanut Soup and feel bad about this.

That Commissar Theocritus has fallen for DWEMs doing anything of use, other than establishing Communism, is shocking! Why, America was first found by Asiatic nomads who, prognosticating the danger of Europeans, kept their find to themselves. They wanted to keep their culturally superior practices like human sacrifice to enjoy undisturbed and unpolluted.

Then the Chinese found the west coast, but reading the tea leaves and knowing it would one day turn into California, they left before anyone could hit them with the tab. The documentation of Chinese discovery is a paper tiger, but it comes from Red Chinese archives, so it is clearly truthful.

Tovarich, I have never forgiven DWEMs for bringing the horse and the wheel to America. After all, people dragging their possessions on their backs made them much closer to the earth.

In addition, I still loathe the Europeans who conquered the Carancuhua Indians on the Texas Gulf Coast. They were cannibals who spread fish oil on their bodies. They say to avoid the insects, which are fierce, but I personally think it was basting.

Ah, the power of a collective core "dump." It awes the mind to see so many "moving" on the "business" at hand.

Comrade_Tovarich wrote:I was thinking it could be recycled to smell like Hope™ and Change™ during the inauguration.

Genius--and I have also found the appropriate infant copro-containment accessory so that even our little revolutionaries can get in on it:

https://bestobamafacts.com/ (see the cute diaper with propaganda on it!)

Perhaps we could borrow an A830 from US Airways to "drop a load" of these on the participants below! The advertisement value of it alone would guarantee their participation!

I must, however, express my disappointment at Comrade_Tovarich's "Chick publications" suggestion. I was hoping to find the corpulent delights of unbathed revolutionary femmes like you used to find them strolling the streets East of Checkpoint Charlie (pre-1989). Ahhh, so much purer, so much more stimulating than the top-heavy capitalist-corrupted abominations that wave their enormous mammaries at you over the internet today.

But, alas, I found it to be something radically different.

Hold on, what do you mean the inauguration is over?

No mind. Never let a good idea go to "waste." There's always a state of the union address somewhere.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:They say to avoid the insects, which are fierce, but I personally think it was basting.

Theo,
Now don't go teasing me with thoughts of Soylent Green, you wicked man!

DDR Kamerad wrote:Ah, the power of a collective core "dump." It awes the mind to see so many "moving" on the "business" at hand.
Hold on, what do you mean the inauguration is over?

No mind. Never let a good idea go to "waste." There's always a state of the union address somewhere.

Comrade DDR Kamerad,

Great proletarian minds think alike the same!

Regarding mammaries, Wie steht's?

Zagongas! Bazooms! Casaba Melons! But I do take your point. I recall the East German shot-put team. Women of such earthy sturdiness that they blurred the line between straight and gay--for the men too.

But in these days, we need to realize that the new Progressive woman is altogether more feminine, and masculine:

Hey,

I recall that cover! Moreover, I have a perhaps faulty memory that some wag had created an animated GIF version that had Hillary's endowment wagging.

But they've photoshopped off her scales and look what Gucci did for her hooves!

Those wouldn't be the Guccis she stole when leaving the White House, would they?

Comrades,

A glorious discovery has been made: the dung beetle species Deltochilum valgum has turned from Insects' Tasty Cream to carnivore. There's promise here, comrades, in jump-starting human evolution! No more will Che exceed us in being "a cold killing machine motivated by hate," for we all might become so!

Dung beetles' heads are usually flat and wide like a shovel in order to roll balls of dung but D. valgum has a narrow, pointy head which it uses to get right inside the millipede's body and feed on its insides.
It also has sharper "teeth", which are used to prise open the body and sever it into smaller pieces.
And unlike most dung beetle species, which bury their food, the remains of dead millipedes were left lying under leaves, entirely cleaned of their soft inner tissue.

Note they prefer slightly injured millipedes to dead or healthy ones.

What about the spiders who lay their eggs which hatch and then feed on the mother spider? Is that not a lesson for a good socialist? Well it's a lesson for the breeding stock that I have on the Rancho, and that's about it. Feed on a Made Progressive? Hahahaha. Made Progressives feed on others.

I was going to follow that up with a comment about the parasitic candiru, or toothpick fish, but the details (scroll down to Attacks on people) are too ugly. It might be a viable deterrent to those who pee in public pools, however.

Comrade_Tovarich wrote:I was going to follow that up with a comment about the parasitic candiru, or toothpick fish, but the details (scroll down to Attacks on people) are too ugly. It might be a viable deterrent to those who pee in public pools, however.

Ugh, I stumbled across a show on that pecker fish! Twice!

I'll stick with jelly fish for aquatic pain, thank you.

We could of course use the candiru as a method of birth control for the unsatisfactory proles, you know: the Arabs call them "clean eunuchs." And I don't mean Michael Moore. Oh hell, he could be hung like John Holmes but it would take spelunkers to find it.

Comrade_Tovarich wrote:
Comrade DDR Kamerad,

Great proletarian minds think alike the same!

Regarding mammaries, Wie steht's?

Es "steht" sehr gut whenever I think about all the revolutionary flesh on display on East Germany's FKK beaches during the heyday of the DDR. Alas, reunification made that somewhat unfashionable, and there are always class clashes between Ossis and Wessis on Baltic coast.

About the flesh. Is it shaved? Even though I would tend to look at the men still there is enough American in me that hairy women do not please.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:....still there is enough American in me that hairy women do not please.

How were you able to hide this astonishing weakness of yours from the MTE all these years?

Commissar Theocritus wrote:About the flesh. Is it shaved? Even though I would tend to look at the men still there is enough American in me that hairy women do not please.

Yes, Theo, you have resided in the Capitalist Cesspool far too long. Time to take a vacation back to the Motherland! Putin and the New Politburo^tm will be happy to restore your progressive virtues...and tastes.

Another key word the Progressives use in the nude beach movement (apart from FKK) was "Naturismus"--trying to be as natural as possible. The purists shave nothing, and this seemed to have been the trend up until the 70s, but alas, the capitalists have had their influence and the end result, like yeast in the bread that Pupovich, Gourmet, and Theo were discussing in another thread, is that they shave everything below the nose now.

Even the men.

However, there was some discussion on rec.nude a few years ago about this practice. It seems to have been largely attributable to the gay quarter, who for some reason prefer smooth male bodies (which explains some of the trouble Sam Adams got into recently), which proves the sort of results you get when you mix radical progressive tastes with the marketing power of capitalism.

There was a trend, for a while, for gays to shave but that is over now. Which means that it will be over elsewhere a few years later.

I know that this is inconsistent when everything is a construct: ability (the office makes you and not the other way around); sexuality (you are what you want to be or what you're told to be) an so forth and as a Made Progressive I quite applaud the idea that my success doesn't depend on me but something outside my control, but still, down deep inside, I think that women ought to shave and men shouldn't, below the neck.

That shows the wisdom of the Chairman and his beloved Helen and Lenin knows how many other appliances. They have never shaved, yet at the same time, ever had a need to shave.

Hmmmm...I wonder what would happen if the Central Committee enacted a trend that required canines to shave?

DDR Kamerad wrote:Hmmmm...I wonder what would happen if the Central Committee enacted a trend that required canines to shave?

Hillary would look better?

Comrade7.62, Hillary shaves with a WeedEater. And she buys the nylon cord by the hundredweight.

DDR Kamerad wrote:Hmmmm...I wonder what would happen if the Central Committee enacted a trend that required canines to shave?

Then you can be certain that this Marshal was the first in line. There can be no gap between the wishes of the Central Committee and mine.

Ah, Pupovich, you are deceiving the younger comrades by not disclosing how much of a hand you have in determining what the wishes of the central committee really are.

Since when did omission of the facts become a distortion of the facts? Is this now Party doctrine? Besides dear Commissar, if these younger comrades don't understand this merely by our exalted titles, then I doubt explaining it to them would be of much help, and besides, it would be far less fun.

If memory serves right...no, let me restate that...if memory serves the State correctly, the Commissariat has always been the Central Committee's right-hand...dang, there I go again...mouthpieces for dispensing the Will of the People^tm from the very beginning.

I don't recall Marshalls playing in the scheme (since they didn't have much of an athletic team back then, and their colors and mascot are all wrong), but I assume the new rank was introduced in the name of Progress.

You can't have too many bureaucrats, you know.

Comrade Karead.....Please do not overburden your remaining firing neurons, we need to have a few still active in order to activate your voting hand. Your esteemed Marshal was previously known as Commissar as well, in charge of Eco-prostitution and Mental Health. Commissar Theocritus and I were promoted at roughly the same time. Since then, the glorious Red Square has seen fit in his wealth of socialist wisdom, to decree me a Marshal. Why, at one time, I was also honored to have served, alongside Commissarka Pinkie, as Vice Chairman. Never forget, when it comes to vice, then I am most qualified.

Pupovich, pardon me, old friend, but when it comes to vice you can't hold a candle to Our Many Titted Empress. You have complained that you've not been to the Rancho de Rio Grande, but you have, you have. Your mind however simply could not handle the spectacle of Our MTE, Nansky and Janet Reno partying together with the Hildo Turbo Hydra 7.1.

When the lights dimmed and the foundation started shaking, and the concrete floor was rent and a sepulchral voice boomed up, in a tongue of flame, saying, "Stop it! You think I'm made of steel down here!?" you blenched as white as an episode of <i>Leave It to Beaver</i>, hyperventilated and passed out.

Which was good because you did not notice what Our MTE did to you then, and after <i>she</i> passed out, Bruno and I cleaned you up and sent you back to Louisiana.

No post-hypnotic suggestions needed. I could not have stood it except that I got gradually inured to the sight, but for someone to see it all at once would have been mind-shattering.

Commissar.... you are mistaken, I did not pass out, rather like so many in the trenches of WWI when overran, I chose the better part of valor and pretended a loss of consciousness (using the same technique that allows one to support Obama in spite of the facts) in order to try and survive another day. The horror.... the horror.....Yet afters months of intensive drug and electroshock therapy, I have managed to overcome the nightmares and catatonic episodes that haunted me before. On the bright side, while the MTE was hovering over my apparently lifeless carcass, I was able to pull out a memory stick that had apparently been embedded in her scales, that upon investigation had the Chairman's passwords and safe combination. This has proved to be quite productive as you can imagine.

Marshal Pupovich wrote: I have managed to overcome the nightmares and catatonic episodes that haunted me before.

I would imagine that those were cat-teutonic episodes.....

I approve of this brand. I will add it to the PPPX inventory. It will go well with mollifying the masses.

Pupovich wrote:pretended a loss of consciousness (using the same technique that allows one to support Obama in spite of the facts)

Pupovich, report to Jifi-Lobo instanter! This will not be tolerated.

{off}This is on the level of talent shitting; thanks{on}

I thought that good Progressives only drank potato vodka or fermented beets, a libation so vile that it has no name. Much like the incoming cabinet of His O'liness. If, Reiuxcat, you start drinking light German white wines, then you might, might, I say, be accused of elitism.

Of course this can all be sorted out at your show trial.

Surprise! Pupovich isn't the only one who gets one! Consider it a post-Winter Solstice gift where you get to show your socialist chops.

Commissar, while of course I shine at Show Trials, it really would be more appropriate for some new talent to take the stage. Someone like say.....Why, my records show that you have yet to know the joy of a show trail. I am sure we can arrange this....

(Yawn)



Keep it down comrades, I have another two hours to go to meet my 16 hour nap quota.

I'll check my calendar later to see if I have an opening for this cat show.

I hope there is soft jerky in the trail mix, if that is what y'all are referring too.

Pupovich, such is my dedication to the party that I have foresworn all my show trials. Because there are only so many, nicht wahr?

Reiuxcat, if you can work with cats you're doing well. As I type Hobbes, the half brother of Calvin, is sitting on the arm of my chair, purring at 90 dB, and demanding my attention. When I retire both he and Calvin, a long-haired orange cat with green eyes, will follow me and claim over half the bed.

Such are the tribulations of being a Commissar.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Pupovich, such is my dedication to the party that I have foresworn all my show trials. Because there are only so many, nicht wahr?

Commissar, while we all appreciate your dedication, rest assured that we have the resources in place to cover for you should we decide to allow you the privilege to be placed on trial.

Oh, Pupovich, I blush with shame, and pride. But how could I possibly take away from your star turn as the victim in a star trial? That would be like entering a diving contest against Greg Louganis. Everyone knows that you have the best chops ever in a show trial and under no circumstances would I detract from your glory.

I mean, the memory brings tears to my eyes. The whimpering, the big doggy eyes, the drool, the protestations of eternal loyalty, the willingness to totally prostrate yourself for The Common Good(tm). Marshall, you are an icon for us here in your ability in show trials.

And I would never compete.

I was at my progressive best I must admit...but it would be nearly impossible for me to top my last performance, and so I think it's best that we leave it for the ages.

Oh, no, Pupovich. If a boxer retires refusing a rematch he's dethroned.

Same with you, old boy, same with you. Are you sure that you don't want to defend your crown as the undisputed champion of the show trial? To the bitter death, of course.

I will be honored to do so Commissar, in proper time. However, we have a slew of new comrades, that at least some are in real need of a show trial, and who could benefit. I still maintain that my plan for clearing members to the Inner Circle is the best way to satisfy both needs.

Pupovich, I consider you the Brian Boitano of show trials. You can dazzle the star-chamber judges with your fancy foot work.

Now I do understand your, er, tiredness of show trials. But it's only fair that you give the newbies training in how to handle a show trial.

I shall of course be the judge. And F. Lee Bruno will be their defense attorney.