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Comrades, we have here from Helen Thomas, the archetypal vespertilio lunae Americanus a categorical statement on the definition of a terrorist—Americans are terrorists because America bombs people in their own countries when all they're doing is running training camps for killing Americans and blowing things up. Which all Progressives know is an utterly blameless thing because America deserves what it gets.

Al Qaeda told Helen so at a meet-and-greet.

Y, Helen is spot on here. Americans building buildings on American land is an insult to the world's peaceful religions, especially if those buildings contain restaurants which serve foods that those religions forbid. We should not be suprised that the world reacts unfavorably to such provocatons. Congrats to Helen on her brilliant career and looking forward to another hundred years of verbal diarrhea sound reporting. She is one of the reasons American journalism is in the state it's in today.

Helen has other uses too. Her voice chases the cockroaches from the Rancho.

When Bruno really needs to be punished, I make him watch a press conference with her. He sobs, on bended knee, "Theocritus, oh, Theocritus! I promise never to order anything with your credit cards again!"

And it lasts for a whole week, which is the longest attention span he's ever shown. But that of course makes him unfit to discuss the world's policies on Oprah.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Helen has other uses too. Her voice chases the cockroaches from the Rancho.

Ah, I see you have uncovered the real reason she is allowed to ask the first question at all the Presidential press conferences.

Yes, but she will no longer be permitted. Her voice heterodynes with the scanning frequency of the TelePrompTer and causes interference bars which cause His O'liness to sound like a scratch "artist" at a nightclub.

I must retire to the Inner Circle and ask the Inner Collective if we should replace the word "terrorist" with "freedom fighters". I know this is a dated idea, but "terrorist" is still used in the vernacular.

(off)

Holy Sh.. what is holding that woman together?! I've seen pictures of Thomas before, but I think this video isn't adding 10 pounds, it's adding 10 years.

(cringe)

[ off ] During the Reagan administration, that old hag looked just the same, and she sat on the front row of his pressers and she shared a microphone with Sam Donaldson. I wanted to crawl through the television and garrote both of them.

I liked her sexy chuckle in the very end. She's such a flirt. No wonder she's been getting the front row in the last 98 years.

Ah, yes, Red. That sound of an old hag coughing up her lungs. Does it for me.

Did you know she's Danny Thomas's great-grandmother, Lebanese, and is still a virgin? That makes Marlo "Immaculate".
She got her first big break when she interviewed First Lady, Mary Lincoln, after the assassination. Her question was "Other than that little mishap Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?"
The rest, of course, is history.

I hear that she was the personal assistant to Joe Kennedy when he was the ambassador to the Court of St. James in London. Before FDR recalled him for supporting Hitler. Helen of course did not support Hitler. She only said that it would be wrong to bomb people on their own land even if they were murdering Jews. And that America was evil.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:[ off ] During the Reagan administration, that old hag looked just the same, and she sat on the front row of his pressers and she shared a microphone with Sam Donaldson. I wanted to crawl through the television and garrote both of them.

Fiber or steel rope ?

Red Square wrote:I liked her sexy chuckle in the very end. She's such a flirt. No wonder she's been getting the front row in the last 98 years.

Jeez, and I thought my middle school was old! (It will be up for 100 years in 2018 or sometime close by)

Comrades, Helen views her job as one of playing devil's advocate, which is easy for her to do as she knows him personally.

I think that they share a room at the Renaissance Weekend on Hilton Head with the other <i>bien pensant</i> folk who are our masters.

What's really spooky though is when she's at the Rancho and she's grossing out even Our Many Titted Empress. You have to see it to believe it but on seeing it you require a double-scalpel job at Jifi-Lobo.

How dare you! HOW DARE ALL OF YOU!!!

Making fun of a sweet innocent helpless little old lady--and not just any sweet innocent helpless little old lady, but Helen Thomas!

My heroine. My idol. My role model. My ideal of what a Good Progressive Woman should be.

Helen Thomas is a living legend. A national treasure. And she's the only reason you're reading these words, for it was she who inspired me to go forth and seek the Truth, no matter what it took, no matter what the cost, even if I had to make it up . . . and to never come back without it.

But as you can see, like Helen I have always come back with the Truth, and reported it here. Like Helen, I have been ever faithful and diligent in shedding light on the atrocities of the Bush Administration.

Like Helen, I believe George W. Bush is the Worst President in U.S. History; in fact, I believe he is the Worst Human Being Who Ever Lived.

Like Helen, I too would gladly kill myself if Dick Cheney ran for president--or at the very least, threaten to move to England if he won.

Like Helen, I too am pretty damn scary to look at. Why, most of you are soiling yourselves in fear of me even now. Just like the rest of the WH press corps does around Helen.

Like Helen, I do what the rest of you are too scared to do for fear of being called unpatriotic. Like Helen, I do all the hard probing, the painful prodding, the constant nagging until I get the answers I want.

It takes courage to do that, comrades. Courage. Patriotism. A thirst for justice.

And what did Bush do to her? Why, he banished her to the back of the press briefing room, as if he were the driver ordering Rosa Parks to the back of the bus. He thought if he did that, he could escape her forceful, hard-hitting questions about why it was so damned important to him to kill millions of innocent people every day. How easily he could have had her shipped for extermination at one of the many secret concentration camps he kept around the world, but coward that he was, he didn't. Because he knew people would notice . . . and wonder . . . and ask questions . . . probe harder . . . push more painfully . . . nag more incessantly. People like me who, because I'm not as equal as she is and am ever so much more modest and discreet, would indeed have been shipped to the aforementioned concentration camps--and I'll bet none of you would've missed me . . . or at least noticed for the first few months, at which point you'd all start complaining to each other, "Why hasn't Pinkie given out Beet of the Week lately?" (Maksim in particular would feel this most acutely.)

BUSH was the real terrorist!

In conclusion, I would like to share with you this excerpt from a speech she made several years ago. In it she speaks so eloquently of how world peace can be so easily achieved, not with guns and bombs and flag pins, but with poetry . . . and music . . . and blue jeans . . .

If we care about the children, the grandchildren, the future generations, we need to make sure that they do not become the cannon fodder of the future. Otherwise history will never forgive us for sitting back and letting the neoconservative hawks prevail. Terrorism per se must be challenged and defeated--but that all-inclusive epithet "terrorism" surely does not fit all sizes and all those who strive for change. Only the bereft would think so. There are better ways we can transform this virulent hatred--by living our ideals, the Peace Corps, exchange students, teachers, exporting our music, poetry, blue jeans. The Pope and other religious leaders, voices of reason and hope, and by keeping our treaties and by understanding that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for all of us.

What could I possibly add to all of that except . . . lollipops! And maybe some bunnies and pussywillow.

Isn't that beautiful, comrades? Doesn't it draw tears from your eyes, and mucus from your nose?

Now aren't all of you ashamed of yourselves? Do you confess that by now you have all manner of bodily fluids seeping everywhere? Do you not agree you all deserve to be whacked with my shovel?

You're right, Pinkie, I am a worthless jerk and I am so ashamed of myself. To think I could've been so duped by the vile Bushitler (it really is HIS fault that there's evil in this world!) Those planes crashed into the WTC were not attacks, they were a cry for help! Instead of being sensitive to their needs, Bush and Cheney responded with anger. They sent over bombs and missiles when they really should sent blue jeans and Coca Cola. And lotsa CDs of Yanni maybe (Yanni is good for helping hyper folks mellow out.) And a few iPods.

Helen, from now on I promise to spit only lightly on the television when someone mentions your name. I promise to exhibit loads of mock outrage whenever someone makes a joke about you knowing John Wilkes Booth before I collapse in laughter. I promise to verbally chastise Commissar Theocritus the next time he makes another insulting post about you before I agree with him under a {character off} avatar. I promise not to wipe my ass with any printed column bearing your byline but simply flush it down the toilet without reading it. This is the LEAST I can do for you, Helen, for you and all the other fine reporters who made sure we elected the Light of the World as our President, even though you knew nobody in their right fucking mind should want him. From the bottom of my heart, Thanks Loads.

Oh dear. Where is my 1006? I need to put a bullet in my head. How, oh how, could I have so misjudged dear Helen Thomas? Pinkie, that sound you hear is my by belly dragging the floor in penance. I promise never to cast aspersions on any wrinkled, crow-voiced, self-righteous old crone again. Because who knows? That old crone could be Helen. The Delphic Sibyl of Democracy, from whose mouth, yes, mouth, that's it, All Wisdom Flows, especially as she sits in the smoke of all those burning "herbs."

Opiate and Pinkie, you're so right. I was led astray by my biggest enemy--my thinking mind. I <i>know</i> I should never think. My mind is my enemy, you know. Why, oh, why did I study math? <i>That subject has right and wrong answers!</i> It corrupted me.

I should have studied socially responsible things, like sociology, where my mind would not get in my way.

I've booked the first three appointments tomorrow morning at Jifi-Lobo. For this thinking must stop.

And in full penance, I'm going to have, as background music at Jifi-Lobo, a tape of all of Helen's presser questions for the last 30 years. When the client stops foaming at the mouth, the lobotomy is a success.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Why, oh, why did I study math? <i>That subject has right and wrong answers!</i> It corrupted me.

A very good point, Commissar. The Party must reform the whole subject of Mathematics and re-educate those who teach it, to wit:

Q: How much is one plus one? (The following will all be considered correct answers:)

A: That question is insulting. It's ABUSIVE. I'm leaving and coming back with a picket line and picket your ass! It's time you learned you can't push us around any more!

A: What does it matter, man? People are starving right here in this city! I know kids who ate pieces of dead cats last night for dinner, man, and that's the first meal they had in a year! What's the hell's the point? Why're you wastin' time asking stupid questions when the world is dyin'!

A: In the imperialist capitalist world, one and one is zero because that's what the people always end up with, zero! Unless you are a fat cat, then one and one is always a million.

A: One WHAT???? This question is prejudicial because my culture does not believe in one.

A: If one is a man and one is a womyn, then the answer is patriarchy and sexaul abuse of the womyn!

A: One and one is eleven. It's all subjective and my opinion is as good as anyone else's.

A: Why are you changing the subject? We were talking about how wealth is distributed in this country.

Aaaah, People's Math! The wave of the future! Obama will be sending everyone to college so it's important that everyone be able to relate to their studies, don't you agree?

Opiate, a very good answer. But bear in mind that we will have to have some engineers if we don't want the planes to fall from the skies. Mr. Clinton descried the fact that engineering majors were falling, not realizing, as you do, that self-esteem is more accurate than a mere fact. But, and I've done a lot of thinking on this, if we want to make sure that planes do <i>not</i> fact fall from the sky we'll have to get some engineers.

I suppose we will have to use Indians and Chinese, that is until they get their own special grievances.

Theocritus, where is your compassion? Would you deny a person's lifelong dream of becoming an aircraft designer just because he or she happens to be a mathematical illiterate? Why, that's like telling the shaky spasmy gal or guy they're not fit to become a brain surgeon (or a bomb disposal tech!) This country was founded on the idea that everyone can be what they feel they should be whether they are qualified or not; Obama is our crowning achievement in that regard. So what if a few planes fall from the sky, as long as we are all happy (and they don't fall on my house.) Besides, if travellers want to get to their destinations safely, well, that's what AMTRAK is for!

Opiate if you could see me now you'd see my blushes from shame. Yes, why can't we be what we want to be?

Just the other day I was reading a touching story of labor solidarity:

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

'"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde ..

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

Opiate wrote:This country was founded on the idea that everyone can be what they feel they should be whether they are qualified or not; Obama is our crowning achievement in that regard.

Very nice. Very nice indeed.