This one sold to me by a guy named "Joe" for 30 pieces of stimulus. I didn't get his last name but he smelled of alcohol and hair plugs.

CHAPTER 6: OBAMA TAKES U.S. SENATE BY STORM

Gerald Saltpeter, Republican US Senator from Illinois, was retiring after one term. A lively competition was about to ensue for the coveted seat. Both parties held March primaries featuring numerous candidates. The Republicans, with a vast array of wonderful qualified people to chose from, nominated Everett Dirksen's ghost in the hopes of swinging the election by capturing a majority of Chicago's dead voters. The Democrats, with a number of distinguished, experienced leaders on the ballot (many of whom were still alive) nominated Barrack Hussein Obama.

Obama darted out to an early lead in the polling as a scandal consumed the Republicans; Everett Dirksen's ghost turned out to be retiring Senator Gerald Saltpeter in a mask and Halloween costume. With their best candidate now disqualified, they tried the unusual tactic of bringing in a well-known outsider to fill the ticket. They chose Dr. Cliff Huxtable from Brooklyn, NY. Obama, aided by eloquent endorsements from the Chicago Democrat-Tribune (“Obama GOOD, Huxtable BAD”) and the Chicago Sun-Democrat-Times (“If You Don't Vote for Obama, You're A Racist, We Don't Care That Huxtable Is Also Black”) combined with the patronizing, racist, blame-the-victim-of-capitalist-oppression rhetoric from Dr. Huxtable, won the election handily.

Barrack received a warm welcome from his Democrat senate colleagues; unfortunately, the same could not be said of the Rethuglicans who wrote him anonymous letters urging him to find a house in Washington with a lawn so they would have a place to burn a cross. (Ed. Note – contrary to vile right-wing rumors, Senator Obama found the Senate men's room within a few weeks of being sworn in. So there.)

It didn't take long for the Senate to discover the immense depth and breadth of Obama's rhetorical and intellectual gifts. During an orientation luncheon for the freshmen senators, in between the shrimp cocktails and the Friends of Angelo incentive bonus check distribution, Senator Clod or Dud or somebody asked Obama what he thought about the situation in Iraq or Indiana or some such place.

Obama replied, “Um Uh ummm uh well, I think, uh umm………”

These were not sounds of hesitation but in fact, Obama's high-powered mind was packing many thoughts into a few guttural sounds because his brain was working at many times the speed of light. Even though the Senators could only perceive meaningless drivel on an audible level, the sounds excited the progressive power-grasping centers of their brains and transmitted Obama's deep thoughts telepathically. It was quite similar to the effect experienced by contactees when UFOs hover close to marijuana fields and suburban bars. The Senators were amazed at all the thoughts being thunk at them and immediately identified their source as the bright shiny intellect of their new comrade, Obama.

Some in the group were unaccustomed to such prolonged mental activity without the buffering effect of inexpensive alcohol and thus held their ears and ran away screaming for their mistresses. Others, still inebriated from lunch, were able to tolerate the massive influx of intellectual high voltage and began speaking in tongues and trying to convert the waiters to the new religion they had just invented. The scene was like the Sermon on the Mount when that Jesus guy converted some loaves and fishes to unlimited stimulus checks for the gathered ACORNs; the effect on the distinguished body of the Senate was just that pronounced and enlightening! The Senate, and maybe the country, would never be the same again (at least, not for a while, anyway.)

As a freshman senator from the minority party, Obama would normally be handed some not-so-glamorous committee assignments, such as the Committee on Postal Hectoring or the Fudge and Baked Goods Oversight Panel. The Senate Democrats, magnanimous fellows and gals that they are, decided that Obama's huge talent was too valuable for him to waste his time on such trivia. Instead, they gave him assignments on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs, both fairly important in the post-9/11 world. But Barrack was no slacker; he was used to grueling hours and hectic work schedules from his community organizer days. He not only took on the important responsibilities the Senate offered him but found time for postal hectoring and baked goods oversight as well. After all, the people's hectoring must be done and who else better to do it than an accomplished hectorer.

Obama became a breath of fresh air and brought a new way of doing things to the Senate. Right from the get-go, he vowed not to take money from lobbyists when anyone was looking. This brought some carping from the Senate traditionalists who grumbled, “What about when no one is looking?” But Obama refused to be dissuaded from changing the way the Senate did business; his attitude was, “If no one is looking, then no one can be sure what I am doing so how can you say I'm doing what I said I'm not doing?” The argument was persuasive and led to new rules in Congress regulating the taking of contributions from lobbyists when someone is looking.

In a brief time in the Senate, Obama left his mark on much legislation. None of the stuff has his name on it, but it was all inspired by him. All he had to do is utter an “Um” or an “Uh” in someone's direction and magically all sorts of good legislative ideas would pop into that person's head. The fact that someone else got the credit for his work was of no consequence to Barrack Obama, he just wanted to see good stuff be done for his subjects.

Although they marveled at his accomplishments, the wise elder statesmen of the People's Party realized that Barrack Obama was growing exponentially and, like his acolyte Oprah, he soon would be too big for his current venue. He rightfully deserved a new, larger position of power for him to carry on his good works: the US Presidency. There was one problem, the job had already been promised to former first lady Hillary Clinton. Hillary was a colleague (well, a subordinate really, as everyone else was) of Barrack's in the Senate so one would think she would realize the extent of his god-like ability and step aside for the good of the country and humanity. But they'd be wrong, as we'll see in the next chapter.

I can't wait for the next chapter, I want to finish this book so I can read it again and again. Hmm. . . those "Um"s and "Uh"s are like super brain waves so people pick them up and get smarter, ergo, this is where all the good legislation comes from. Nice.

Wow... the Obama deceived snowed beguiled hoodwinked duped conquered the "brilliant minds" of the US Senate in just under 143 days?!?

Commissar_Elliott wrote:Hmm. . . those "Um"s and "Uh"s are like super brain waves .

Just so comrade. Many unsophisticated neanderthals assume he's at a loss for words. In fact he's in a state of nirvana brought on by near constant recitation of his manta.

Now repeat after me Oooooooom mani padme oooooooom mani padme ooooooooom....

Very good, again

Again, again, again, again, again, again, again....

Comrade Whoopie wrote:

Commissar_Elliott wrote:Hmm. . . those "Um"s and "Uh"s are like super brain waves .

Just so comrade. Many unsophisticated neanderthals assume he's at a loss for words. In fact he's in a state of nirvana brought on by near constant recitation of his manta.

Now repeat after me Oooooooom mani padme oooooooom mani padme ooooooooom....

Very good, again

Again, again, again, again, again, again, again....

Oooooommmmmmuuuuuhh. . . Oooommmmmmuuummmm. . .

Attention, comrades! I am receiving a transmission from the Messiah right now! It's kind of garbled.... doesn't really make a whole lot of sense yet.... Wait... no, sorry, it was just a burp. Never mind.