Ever since Marshal Pupovich mounted his attack of the talent-shitting pigeons, which has transmogrified unto the talent-shitting white dove, I have been on tenterhooks. What more, I wondered, would I have to put up with? Then I found out.

Just last week I have been the victim of the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits. These horrible creatures, the size of a timid Gere's gerbil, swirl like a Victorian woman's skirt through my house, looking at me, and hissing, through those dreadful teeth, "Nuclar, nuclar, nuclar..." My nerves are shot; my patience at an end. What do they want? Why are they here? There is no answer—they're nano Jimmy Carter rabbits which have no purpose but their own and it is no good purpose.

What could I do? Bruno is of course useless. I got him a new five-pound can of glass jewels at Hobby Lobby and he thinks that he'll find the Koh-i-Noor diamond there. But while he ran his thick fingers through the glass baubles the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits swirled and heaved and pulsed through the Rancho de Rio Grande, staring at me with those teeth, hissing, "Nuclar, nuclar, nuclar..." And so I broke. I needed help. I needed guidance. I needed a sage. And then it struck me:

What would his Jodin Morey do?

The fearless Jodin Morey went to protest the Rethuglican convention in Minnesota. Jodin is never afraid to make a statement:
Jodin Morey
I was dressed as a Guantanamo Bay detainee to protest the denial of habeas corpus as a human right.

Well, if it's good enough for Jodin, it's good enough for me. So I dressed as a Guantanamo Bay detainee. I put a tablecloth on my head, dreamed about cutting the private parts of girls off, and flung shit at the walls. But still the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits stared at me. Pulsing on the floor. Hissing at me. The nano Jimmy Carter rabbits were not impressed by me. So obviously I was not taking in the lessons of the noble Jodin Morey.

This was serious. WWJD? What would Jodin do?

Jodin Morey
[The parade organizer] told that officer that she wanted to deliver a message to the people at the RNC. She told the officer she was not violent. She expressed that she did not want him to shoot or taze her. She expressed that she wanted to deliver her message to the delegates and was looking for his help in doing that. She suggested to the officer that he could deliver the citizen's arrest, or that he could escort her to the RNC, or that he could bring someone from the RNC to receive the arrest warrant from her. But, of course, the police officer on the other side of the gate refused to respond at all, and she settled on just placing her message through the gate and asking the officer to have someone come and get it.

When I read that, I wept. Theocritus wept. How could anyone be so cruelly ignored by the gendarmerie when all she wanted to do was enlist one of the men in blue to make a citizens' arrest of people she disagreed with doing something that they had a permit to do in a lawful place in a room they'd paid rent for? What is the world coming to? Here these people are, and they're not violent and still they can't make a citizen's arrest for a Thoughtcrime™? What is the world coming to?

I told the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits that I wanted to make a citizen's arrest of them to turn them in for conduct displeasing to a Made Progressive, that is, me. But they were unimpressed. The nano Jimmy Carter rabbits kept staring at me, gnashing their fearsome and huge teeth, their button eyes staring at me, hissing, “Nuclar, nuclar, nuclar...” WWJD? I turned back to his tome, his journal of repression as he demonstrated against the Rethuglicans. In a pinch Jodin comes up trumps again when the cops looked at him funny:
Jodin Morey
I let go of my cell phone and Guantanamo hood so that they would not mistake them for weapons and placed my hands beside me on the sidewalk. I said, "I am not moving, I am not moving."

Only Jodin could come up with that. Now my iPhone is often mistaken for either a bazooka or an AK-47. Many times I have gotten a phone call and whipped out my iPhone and FBI agents have turned pale and dropped their weapons on the ground. I had no idea that a cell phone could be so powerful a perceived weapon. And the Gitmo hood—just think if he'd worn a ski cap! But in the spirit of WWJD, I took the bed sheet off my head and threw my cell phone to the ground and still the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits swirled around me, hissing, “Nuclar, nuclar, nuclar...” This simply wasn't working. There had to be more in the Book of Jodin.
Jodin Morey
A few moments later, an officer in riot gear approached me and told me I could get up. As I got to my feet, the officer asked me if I was OK. I replied, "I don't know." I obviously had not checked my back yet, as I was not able to move while on the ground. I also was not sure if shock had caused me to underestimate the possible damage to my back. But the officer must not have been terribly concerned about my well-being because he told me to continue north on St. Peter without checking out my back. I believe they must of known they shot me. The reason I say this is because they ordered me to the ground, took a picture of me, and asked me how I was.

How could I possibly be worried about Nano Jimmy Carter rabbits if Jodin the almighty didn't know if he'd been shot? Such a mensch, not to know if he'd actually been shot. Not worry that he'd been shot. And able through the sheer exercise of his mental abilities not to bleed out or otherwise die if he had been shot. And he managed to survive even though they only asked him once if he was okay.

Comrades, I do not know what to do. I have plied the Book of Jodin and used all his charms and hexerai. I have tried all of his secret recipes and plundered the depths of his revolutionary wisdom. I have over and over told people “I'm peaceful and want to arrest you!” and have as is fitting shit my pants when people looked at me funny.

But still the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits keep looking at me, and looking at me, hissing, “Nuclar, nuclar, nuclar.”

WWJD?

What you need to do is put a Liberal Hat of Awareness over your head.

Janeane Garofalo -

I appreciate you going an extra mile making the very cute Liberal Hat of Awareness, but with your popularity in our circles, a simple prefabricated Brown Bag of Awareness would suffice.

Theocritus, did the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits hurt you? Can you tell if they wounded you, or was it just a glancing blow? And what about the orange jumpsuit you wear to show your solidarity with those illegally detained at Guantanamo? If you want to do what Jodin would do, then you must take it off, crumple it up and dispose of it before they get the wrong idea about you and round you up and haul you off to the pokey.

Because if you want to do what Jodin would do, then you can't have THAT much solidarity with the Gitmo detainees.

Otherwise, you're doing exactly what Jodin would do: Blogging about your traumatic experience. Encouraging your fellow travelers to Mimeswipe your courageous story all over the Leftosphere. Spreading the outrage. Crying for a hug and a snot-wipe and a Tootsiepop. Whining about your victimhood. And above all, patting yourself on the back for running away from standing up for what you believe in . . . and taking the bold but necessary steps to prove it.

As Mikael would say to Jodin, I'm proud of you.

Pinkie, the tears of joy are running down my face. To have flattery from <i>you</i> of all people. You don't know what my life is like. I work and I slave for Perfect Justice and Freedom and people just look at me with this quizzical look. One time someone muttered the word, "Big stinking pussy," but I'm sure it wasn't meant for me, you know.

But it's the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits, Pinkie; it's the <i>rabbits</i>. They look at me so funny. Those teeth and all that hissing... They haven't actually hurt me yet but the look in their eyes tells me that they just might hurt me.

Or say something really mean to me.

I think that I will have to call the ACLU to get a lawsuit started against the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits.

Because I'm worth it.

Red, do you think that Comradette Garofalo should have a brown bottle of awareness instead of a brown bag?

Comrade Theocritus,

I admire you for being inspired by one who was inspired by the GITMO detainees. However, as imitation is the best form of flattery, and he was imitating a GITMO detainee, and you were imitating him, I have one question, did this young revolutionary go so far as to fling poop?

Well, fighting for a progressive cause, I suppose, does not mean that one has to give it one's all. But then, again, how exactly are you going to rid yourself of those Nano Jimmy Carter rabbits?

I am waiting for 7.62 to send me Che monsters who will, I am told, eat them. But if all else fails, I plan to shit in my hand and fling it at people.

It works for Nanskiy, and Bonny Fwank and Biden the Irrelevant, who who five times a day bow to Beijing, shit in their hands, and fling it at their own personal copy of the Constitution.

The monkey house has nothing on me, for I am a Made Progressive.

OMG. I just thought. What if the Che monsters <i>breed</i> with the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits? The world would not be safe. Every dictator on earth would be surrounded by sycophantic nano Jimmy Carter rabbits, while all the people of those dictators would be slowly exterminated.

Oh. I get it. That's progressive paradise, isn't it? Ask Sally Quinn, who swooned over her visit with Fidelito some years ago.

Yes, nothing better to a Made Progressive than analingus of a dictator and evisceration of the populace. Because we can show our true colors--toad-eating to the vicious and stepping on the necks of people who cannot fight back.

I'm starting to itch down below.

Commissar, I have a simple solution for you, when referencing the The Peoples Book of Activism(tm) it is always important to refer to the different chapters by the different Sages of The People(TM). And we all know that when The Book of Jodin Morey(TM) fails, it is always important to read The Book of Michael Moore(TM). Here is an excerpt that may help you with your nano Jimmy Carter rabbits:



Now if you use these race baiting tactics with the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits remember you will need plenty of orange colored peanuts, a bullhorn, and a police escort.

Comrade Theo, have you considered another possibility to your Nano Jimmy Carter Rabbit infestation? Given the problems with the shipment of monsters to your ranch, perhaps you could *shudder* get approval to plant a small crop of Reagan JellyBeans which should poison the Nano Jimmy Carter Rabbits when they eat the plants.

Eeeeeeewwwwwwww.... not THE REAGAN JELLY BEANS!!!! That hurts my progressive brain just thinking about it. I must file a complaint with Thoughtcrimes Unit(TM). Yes, now you've gone to far Colonel!

I denounce Red Rooster for denouncing me! Yes I proposed the Reagan Jelly Beans, but only as a last ditch defense. After all, a made progressive will use or do ANYTHING in order to further their cause. You see if Commissar Theocritus were to use the Reagan Beans to clear his ranch of evil rabbits, that is good because it benefits a progressive. But if he were to feed some to our MTE, that would be bad as it would hurt the cause of true socialism.

So it is all in how much of a hypocrite you are while achieving your ends. Were Comrade Theocritus to use the Reagan Beans simply to kill off a hoard of Nano Jimmy Carter Rabbits, he would be engaging in a most hypocritical act in order to further his own comfort. That should be at least worth something.

Colonel, I have searched The Peoples Book of Activism™ and I cannot find The Book of Reagan. So you see comrade how could it be thought if it was not prescribed in a Peoples Book(TM).

While it is prevalent that "by any means necessary" is a motto of The Party, it is mere blasphemy to the post-modern dialectic that rational opposites be independently proposed to conclusively solve a problem. All problems must remain open ended in order for the progress of The Party(TM) to continue ad infinitum.

Please reference the chapter, verse and publication of this tactic or I must report you at once. Yes, comrade, The Star Chamber(TM) is waiting.

It is called Revolutionary Necessity(TM) Comrade Rooster. In the heat of battle or when The Revolution(TM) can be used as a reason, nearly ANYTHING goes. It's quite progressive.

For instance, I could go into a bank and seize money if The Revolution(TM) needs funding. Or one could deploy Reagan Beans if The Revolution(TM) demands that Commissar Theocritus requires the peace that being rid of Nano Jimmy Carter Rabbits would bring. Since Comrade Theocritus is high in The Party(TM) his needs outweigh that of The Common Good(TM) and would justify an unorthodox method to fulfill those greater needs.

I'm starting to think you are reading subversive material that parades as progressive literature.

The tactics used are Revolutionary Necessity(TM) and Progressive Need(TM).

Ewwwww.... he said Reagan Beans AGAIN!!!

*dialing ThoughtCrime Unit*

Please reference the chapter, verse and publication of this tactic or I must report you at once.
Again, comrade, The Star Chamber™ is waiting.

Janeane Garofalo wrote:
What you need to do is put a Liberal Hat of Awareness over your head.

Now that's what I call a sack of social justice!

Commissar Theocritus wrote:I'm starting to itch down below.

Theo, you could always ask Meow to borrow his ointment, but there are risks associated with that, of course. Be sure to ask for a fresh, unopened tube.

Colonel 7.62 wrote:Since Comrade Theocritus is high in The Party(TM) his needs outweigh that of The Common Good(TM) and would justify an unorthodox method to fulfill those greater needs.

Comrade Colonel, I think you misunderstand. Commissar Theocritus is high in The Party;™ therefore, his needs are that of The Common Good(TM) by definition. This is how we of the 'concave navel' justify anything we want. Whatever we want is, by virtue of our magnanimous and caring hearts, for The Children(TM) and The Greater Good.™ This is the very essence of what it means to be a Made Progressive.™

Comrade Garofalo,
Speaking of sacks, any truth to the rumor that "24" is writing your character off the show next season? Say it ain't soooo Garofalo.............

Commissar Theocritus,
This nano rabbit thing is real simple:"Bush did it" and we need to "Impeach Bush! " Reagan created the rabbits to go after Carter and Bush has been breeding them on his ranch ever since.

You see if Commissar Theocritus were to use the Reagan Beans to clear his ranch of evil rabbits, that is good because it benefits a progressive. But if he were to feed some to our MTE, that would be bad as it would hurt the cause of true socialism.

I consider the Reagan jelly beans to be the nuclear solution to the nuclar nano Jimmy Carter rabbits. I blush to confess that I did order off for a hundredweight of Jelly Belly beans, but I was not at home when they came, and Bruno opened the crate. When I came in he had taken off his clothes and was frolicking in the jelly beans.

"Theocritus! Thank you! Thank you! Such soft wonderful jewels! I will never let them go!"

On seeing this the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits hissed, "Nuclar, nuclar, nuclar," and raised a corner of their lips, backed up and fled.

So although I did use the Ronald Reagan jelly beans, it was the sight of Bruno frolicking in them, running them through his hands, which caused the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits to leave.

But I did hear one of them toss over his shoulder, "I'll be back--with the Olbermann. You'll be sorry."

Red Rooster wrote:Ewwwww.... he said Reagan Beans AGAIN!!!

*dialing ThoughtCrime Unit*

Please reference the chapter, verse and publication of this tactic or I must report you at once.
Again, comrade, The Star Chamber™ is waiting.

Comrade Red Rooster I must again denounce you for your improper denunciation. As Comrade Strangelove points out, Commissar Theocritus' needs ARE the common good due to his high level in The Party(TM), therefore he is permitted the use of the Reagan Jelly Beans.

I'm afraid you will be in much trouble from the ThoughtCrime unit for bothering them on this matter of State Security(TM).

Although leaving a gift of the usual type in the usual location will spare you a visit from the Red Guard(TM), and I'll tell the Che monster not to piss on your lawn...

Comrades, I need to clarify something. Any Made Progressive may make use of the Reagan Jelly Beans if the need is sufficient. Any comrade with an infestation of the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits is permitted the use of the Reagan Jelly Beans for the Greater Good(tm).

Consider it chemotherapy. Consider it the amputation of a gangrenous limb. And in fact I know nothing more effective than the Reagan Jelly Beans for ridding one of nano Jimmy Carter rabbits. The last time our Many Titted Empress was at the Rancho I don't know what was louder: the sounds of her snores when she was sleeping, the sound of her thighs in Spandex when she was walking, or the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits hissing, "Nuclar, nuclar, nuclar."

But each infestation has its own cure. The Reagan Jelly Beans have no effect on our MTE, who merely pops them in her Bloody Mary made with rich white Rethuglican trust-fund virgin girls' blood.

But any comrade with an infestation of the NJCR is hereby <i>ordered</i> to use the Reagan Jelly Beans. As much as I love the Che monsters, those little bastard NJCRs breed like the national debt and even Rosie O'Donnell couldn't eat them fast enough.

Comrade Commissar, thank you for the clarification. Now may I send some Revolutionary Guards to see what Red Rooster may have worthy of looting?

Comrades,

I must concur with Comrade Herr Doktor Theocritus. For even the Grand Poo Bah of Amerikan Socialism, Saul Alinsky, permits high ranking members of The Party™ to use the machinations of the enemy, such as the Reagan Jelly Beans. That is, the ends justify the means. So enough of all these denunciations!!! For we are all Progressives here!!!

Bruno,

As a Progressive you should share the RJBs with the rest of the high ranking members of The Party™. Else His Excellency, General Secretary B. Hussain Obama will redistribute them for The Common Good™.

--
Zampolit Boris Sukavich Blokhayev
Commissar, 1st Chief Directorate for The Party™ Approved Margarita Research and Operations
Grand Inquisitor, The Reformed Church of Latter-Day Climatology (The Goremons)

Zampolit, you've done it now. Bruno is cowering in the corner, having been rebuked by a Made Progressive. I yell and scream at him but he just gets misty-eyed. "Are you going to beat me Theocritus? Beat me, whip me and make me write bad checks?"

"Just when have you written a check which was <i>not</i> bad, you silly homing queen?"

"When I forged your name. Oh. I forgot. You haven't gotten your bank statement yet."

I promise that I shall make Bruno turn loose of the RRJB for The Greater Good(tm). For nothing could be worse than an epidemic of nano Jimmy Carter rabbits. Lord knows I've tried to get rid of them--playing Streisand. Did you know that in her early years our Many Titted Empress cut an album? I played it at the same time as William Shatner's album. And the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits just looked at me and hissed, "nuclar, nuclar, nuclar."

Colonel 7.62, I do hope that you are engaged in a selective breeding program to butch up your Che monsters.

And if you get me some Che monsters that can kill the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits I will tell you the combination to Red Rooster's safe.

Thank you
Zampolit and Commissar Theocritus for your astute input in this matter. I see that all progressive thought has been washed aside in the interest of The Great
Commissar Theocritus' well being. However, to remind you ALL of the progressive precedence we are setting, please take a moment and grab a hold of your People's Cube... now CLOSE YOUR EYES.... hold it closely... hold it tightly... knowing that it is the truth we seek... o.k. now ready? OPEN YOUR EYES!


Now do you see what I mean? Could it be anymore plain than this?

How true, Red Rooster, how true. And the People's Jelly Beans have that wonderful taste of--beet.

Not cinnamon or cherry, but---beet.

Borscht bean, comrade?

But won't The People's Jelly Beans(TM) just make the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits stronger?

No, no, no! They are like garlic to a vampire. At the end of the first term of President Jimmy Carter his aides told him that he would not win reelection. He ran, screaming like Meow, or Jodin, into the Lincoln bedroom and handcuffed himself to the bed, blubbering, "I won't leave! I'm Jimmy Carter! I'm the smartest man in the history of the world! I won't go!"

They had to distract him with handfuls of peanuts while they cut his handcuffs, and then shot him with a horse tranquilizer just to get him out of the White House.

The Reagan Jelly Beans are perhaps the only things that will rid the Rancho of the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits. 7.62 is now teaching the Che Monsters to lob them like hand grenades.

Uh, I wasn't referring to Ronald Reagan Jelly Beans but The People's Jelly Beans.™ RRJBs will kill the 'nuclar' bunnies, but TPJBs will make them stronger with a greater infusion of progressivism and the power of beets.

Vlad, I thought you said you love garlic, didn't you?

Dr. Strangelove wrote:But won't The People's Jelly Beans(TM) just make the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits stronger?

Yes, a most progressive Jelly Bean is the The People's Jelly Beans(TM). At the end of President Clinton's term we fed them to him and he made the most odd remark for U.S. President:

"I, Williamette Jeffersoniac Clintonic, am the greatest ruler that ever lived and should remain leader of the Free World forever and an eternity... upon which time my reign should be passed on to Chelsqueee and her Orthodontist."

Commissar... Docktor, I have dedicated a post to these glorius beans of blood thirsty rulers everywhere.

Comrades, perhaps the Ronald Reagan Jelly Beans have had an intervention and have made a philosophical journey to become cleansed, through the power of a good purge, to become the People's Jelly Beans.

That said, I still keep some RRJB at the Rancho. I throw one at the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits and they flee--it's the only thing that they're afraid of. I go to bed at night and I can't sleep. It's not the goddamned crickets, it's the susurration of, "Nuclar, nuclar, nuclar," and at 2 AM it sounds positively sinister. And even the light of an alarm clock will reflect off those teeth.

The nano Jimmy Carter rabbits do love the People's Jelly beans though. I have a stash of them. The next time that our Many Titted Empress comes to the Rancho and passes out on the flagstone, drunk on Bloody Marys with rich, white, virgin Rethuglican blood, I am going to don rhinoceros-hide gloves and shove the People's Jelly Beans in her bra and panties and let the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits take my revenge.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Comrades, perhaps the Ronald Reagan Jelly Beans have had an intervention and have made a philosophical journey to become cleansed, through the power of a good purge, to become the People's Jelly Beans.

Commissar Theocritus,

Most certainly, it would be a good thing if these Reagan beans were purged and cleansed, because I fear, that giving those nano Jimmy Carter rabbits full strength Reagan beans would be dangerous. Reagan beans are potent, after all, and the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits might just become a little too intoxicated with them.

They might want to establish their own nano Jimmy Carter Jolly Ranch candy business, and, then you would have tourists, with their obnoxious children, flocking all over, spending their Kapitalist dollars. Oh, the stench, this would bring, not to mention the further multiplication of your nano Jimmy Carter rabbit population, with each one wanting to own their own home, and SUV.

Be careful!

Oh, for purging and cleansing--just place the Reagan beans into the washing machine--heavy cycle---pour on bleach until they are limosene liberal white, then throw in a red T-shirt, and they will all turn a nice color of pink--or just add red food coloring, and then dry them in the hot desert sun, and you should have no problems with giving them to the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits.

Leninka wrote: Oh, for purging and cleansing--just place the Reagan beans into the washing machine--heavy cycle---pour on bleach until they are limosene liberal white, then throw in a red T-shirt, and they will all turn a nice color of pink--or just add red food coloring, and then dry them in the hot desert sun, and you should have no problems with giving them to the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits.

What? And No beet and Borscht flavor? How progressively AlGorian, dear Leninka, you dear comrade should join the AlGore EnviroFix fest. Yes, dear Leninka, I think you have finally found your calling, and if the Commissar does not see fit to give you proper title, I may just have to take it up with his O'liness.... you are a chosen AlGorian comrade, make no mistake about it, it is divine!

After the 43rd attempt to kill Hitler and his 43rd exclaimation that it was divine intervention that kept him alive, not pray tell the stupidity of many of the attempts, we are told the AlGorian was born unto the divinity of The Progressive World of Next Tuesday!

All Hail Leninka!

Who let Comrade Rooster get into the vodka ration storage facility again? Meow is going to be pissed, and I don't want to be anywhere near when this whole thing goes down.

Dear Doktor, when Red Star dropped me off at The Graveyard entrance, all he left me with was a trunk of vodka and these damn People's Jelly Beans(TM), so all y'all better watch out, because I am becoming more and more Progressive with each sip and each handful of People's Jelly Beans(TM).

Yes it's Strangelove I feel, feel me? Where is this Meow? I'd like to give her a piece of Strangelove! BwahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Comrades! Comrades! We cannot lose sight of the war against the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits! How many revolutions have been hijacked by other groups? The nano Jimmy Carter rabbits have the ability to completely undo the Progressive World of Next Tuesday(tm) that we are headed for, hell for leather, under His O'liness and Her Resentment, and Vice President Fuckles.

The nano Jimmy Carter Rabbits must be overcome. Perhaps if we painted the Reagan Jelly Beans to look like peanuts the rabbits would eat them and then explode in a puff of reason.

For the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits are the most dangerous threat to the revolution ever--nothing, and I mean <i>nothing</i> can withstand the self-importance off James Goddamned Earl Carter.

DAMN IT TO HELL!!!

One of those nano Jimmy Carter rabbits just popped up in my office here in Reston, PCVA. How the hell did he get here?

I keep trying to whack the little bastard with my shovel and it just teleports to a new location just a couple of feet away.

BE STILL YOU LITTLE SONOFABITCH!!!!

*WHACK* DAMN IT, MISSED AGAIN!

"nuclar. nuclar. nuclar. *hisssssssssssss*"

HISS AT ME YOU LITTLE BASTARD..... *WHACK* DAMN IT!!!!

--

*WHACK*

Oh god. They're interstate now. I'm so sorry, Zampolit. I had really hoped that they'd stay in Texas. I would take one for the team, trying to keep the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits out.

Now here's a very important question: can you see its little claws and are they <i>painted</i>?

If they are, it has swapped DNA with Bruno. And you don't know fear until you hear a nano Jimmy Carter rabbit hissing, "Nuclar, nuclar" to the tune of "Memories."

Comrades, Comrades. Please relax. I have dispatched two Revolutionary Guard Units equipped with Che Monsters and Regan Jelly Bean launchers.

I have already sent under separate cover the numbers to the account I wish used.

Zampolit Blokhayev wrote:DAMN IT TO HELL!!!

One of those nano Jimmy Carter rabbits just popped up in my office here in Reston, PCVA. How the hell did he get here?

I keep trying to whack the little bastard with my shovel and it just teleports to a new location just a couple of feet away.

BE STILL YOU LITTLE SONOFABITCH!!!!

*WHACK* DAMN IT, MISSED AGAIN!

"nuclar. nuclar. nuclar. *hisssssssssssss*"

HISS AT ME YOU LITTLE BASTARD..... *WHACK* DAMN IT!!!!

--

*WHACK*

Thank you Comrade Zampolit Blokhayev, for the heads up on the spread of these dreaded creatures. I'll put my fleet of giant flying Houston Palmetto Bugs, and my infantry of fire ants on high alert for when theyshow up.

Comrade Leninka

Oh those are Palmetto Bugs? I thought they were skeet. *PULL!*

Colonel 7.62,

I must warn you, my Palmetto Bugs are able to scoot right around any flying ammunition you might shoot at them, and, as they are trained Kamakazis, you might find them flying right at you to distract you, not that you wouldn't be able to get a few.

Eh, time to rig up the People's Giant Bug Zapper(TM) (Wind and solar powered of course).

7.62, be very careful with Leninka's "Palmetto Bugs." I personally say if it looks like a roach and scurries like a roach, then it's a roach, but whatever.

When I was a freshman at Rice every night they held a square dance on the ceiling over my head. Some of the roaches were so big that we confused them with the gnomes (pronounced guh-NOME-ees) who maintained the campus and who lived in the steam tunnels. This was because at 6:30 th gnomes would drag the iron furniture over the terrazzo patio, and frankly the roaches were bigger than the gnomes.

I have seen a Houston roach take a tomcat two falls out of three.

But what do do? Che monsters? Houston roaches?

The only thing that I am sure of is that the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits must go.

<b>Damn it</b>. A talent-shitting pigeon just displayed its talent on the wall of my courtyard under my kitchen window.

Up here in the Olympia Collective I am glad I only have to deal with mold, and giant slugs. And the slugs are so slow that even Yelling Yelena on a bad morning with arthritis twisting her limbs could take them out.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:7.62, be very careful with Leninka's "Palmetto Bugs." I personally say if it looks like a roach and scurries like a roach, then it's a roach, but whatever.

When I was a freshman at Rice every night they held a square dance on the ceiling over my head. Some of the roaches were so big that we confused them with the gnomes (pronounced guh-NOME-ees) who maintained the campus and who lived in the steam tunnels. This was because at 6:30 th gnomes would drag the iron furniture over the terrazzo patio, and frankly the roaches were bigger than the gnomes.

I have seen a Houston roach take a tomcat two falls out of three.

But what do do? Che monsters? Houston roaches?

The only thing that I am sure of is that the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits must go.

<b>Damn it</b>. A talent-shitting pigeon just displayed its talent on the wall of my courtyard under my kitchen window.

Commissar Theocritus,

My Palmetto Bugs may be of the roach family, but they can fly as well as Air Force One on its way to circle the Goldman Sachs building.

Oh, they can fly, too. And toward the light. What was bad was when the roaches had in a challenge caller for the square dance.

Commissar Theocritus and Colonel 7.62,

I hope you both appreciate the trouble I went to get you this show. Now, don't think for a minute that I am fond of bathroom humor.

Dr. Strangelove wrote:

Janeane Garofalo wrote:
What you need to do is put a Liberal Hat of Awareness over your head.

Now that's what I call a sack of social justice!

hrrmmm what would a pantload of social justice look like?

S.A.F. Marshal Pravda wrote:

Dr. Strangelove wrote:

Janeane Garofalo wrote:
What you need to do is put a Liberal Hat of Awareness over your head.

Now that's what I call a sack of social justice!

hrrmmm what would a pantload of social justice look like?

Trust me, Comrade. You don't wanna know.

Leninka, isn't that <i>Joe's Apartment</i>? I tried to watch that but it induces a fugal state in me--the dancing roaches were just more than I could take. And then I started remembering Joe's toenails.

Agony! Oh the agony!

Comrades I think that we have been doing an injustice to Comradette Garofalo. That is the most reflective human being that I have ever seen--a human grease trap. How does she do it? She redefines oleaginous.

But do not publish her oil-producing secrets--it would be the complete and utter death of the Texas oil industry. Who needs the Devonian or the Barnett Shale when Comradette Garofalo can pump out the grease like Spindletop?

Commissar Theocritus wrote: But do not publish her oil-producing secrets--it would be the complete and utter death of the Texas oil industry. Who needs the Devonian or the Barnett Shale when Comradette Garofalo can pump out the grease like Spindletop?

But my Jeep needs an oil change and a lube?

--

Leninka wrote:

Zampolit Blokhayev wrote:DAMN IT TO HELL!!!

One of those nano Jimmy Carter rabbits just popped up in my office here in Reston, PCVA. How the hell did he get here?

I keep trying to whack the little bastard with my shovel and it just teleports to a new location just a couple of feet away.

BE STILL YOU LITTLE SONOFABITCH!!!!

*WHACK* DAMN IT, MISSED AGAIN!

"nuclar. nuclar. nuclar. *hisssssssssssss*"

HISS AT ME YOU LITTLE BASTARD..... *WHACK* DAMN IT!!!!

--

*WHACK*

Thank you Comrade Zampolit Blokhayev, for the heads up on the spread of these dreaded creatures. I'll put my fleet of giant flying Houston Palmetto Bugs, and my infantry of fire ants on high alert for when theyshow up.

Comrade Leninka

II just figured out how they got here!

It looks like the "nuclar" blast that our brothers in socialist arms in the DPRK detonated a couple of days ago has created a trans-dimensional rift in the space-time continuum. Better known as a "wormhole". And as we all know, wormholes are unstable and unforgiving (kind of like Rahm Emmanuel), meaning there is no way to tell where in space or when in time either of the two ends of the wormhole are.

Given the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits affinity for "nuclar" activity, it appears one (or more) of them got pulled into the wormhole.

I now have that little bastard contained in a magneto/plasma field bottle. But the cryo-cooling system required to maintain a Bose-Einstien condensate is massive and consumes a lot power (also like Rahm Emmanuel). Therefore, I am going to have to kill this little sonofabitch and I mean soon!!! I have an RJB rail gun weapon on order from the Lawrence Livermore Labs and I am greatly awaiting it's arrival!

--
ZB

A rail gun! Great idea. If that rail gun could accelerate a piece of aluminum to about 3K fps then the energy would be so great that it would be unstoppable. Any projectile hitting a nano Jimmy Carter rabbit would leave nothing but a cloud of smug, and there is no known cure for Carter smug.

The wormholes appeal to me. Do you think that by serendipity that the oily Dr. Garofalo somehow set up a resonance between Dear Leader and herself? They say that nature hates a vacuum, and what could be more logical than a wormhole between the tin-foil-hat-bag lady Garofalo and Dear Leader?

Commissar Theocritus wrote: The wormholes appeal to me. Do you think that by serendipity that the oily Dr. Garofalo somehow set up a resonance between Dear Leader and herself? They say that nature hates a vacuum, and what could be more logical than a wormhole between the tin-foil-hat-bag lady Garofalo and Dear Leader?

You may be on to something, Herr Komrade Doktor Theocritus!

Given that a wormhole is created by a massive gravity well it is quite possible that the massive egos of bag lady Garofalo and Dear Leader, which is fed by each one's self view of moral and intellectual superiority, generated the gravity well that created this wormhole.

Zampolit, I must admit that you have flummoxed me. When I saw Dr. Garofalo I thought it entirely apposite to think of Worm.

And hole.

No physics need apply.

Think of it as the quantum mechanical version of Dr. Oily Garofalo and Dear Leader doing a Sixty-Nine.

They should do it in North Korea, for people would be grateful for their butcher shops selling long pig.

However, if Dr. Oil Garofalo were to leave the USA, what would Breasts not Bombs and Code Pink do?

Commissar Theocritus wrote: However, if Dr. Oil Garofalo were to leave the USA, what would Breasts not Bombs and Code Pink do?

Blame Bush.

If they blame Bush wouldn't that in this case be a linguistic mea culpa?

Commissar Theocritus wrote:If they blame Bush wouldn't that in this case be a linguistic mea culpa?

//karacter off

OKAY!!! You got me! I just spewed a mouthful of my morning coffee all over my desk after reading this one!

//karacter on

It would be a cunning linguistic conundrum for them.

--
ZB

They'd better get to it without cunctation.

I just realized that if Janet Napolitano, Janet Reno, Nancy Pelosi, and Barbara Boxer formed a square around our Many Titted Empress, they would have a quincunx.

This reminds me of how the gays cast their vote in the '88 election: they preferred to Dukakis rather than to do Bush.




You got me too! I just spewed my entire breakfast all over my desk, emptying my stomach, after reading your "quincunx" joke! I think I'll need another JiffiLobo(TM) tune-up just to stop the dry heaves.

Or one I heard yesterday. If the flight crew of a plane sits in the cockpit, does it mean that if the crew is all female, it's the box office?

A woman who flies her plane upside down is sure to have a crackup.

I read this and immediately thought of Jodin Morey. I wonder why?

Journalist Tells of Harrowing Protest Experience . . . in Israel?

[BLOCKQUOTE]

I suddenly found myself in the thick of the protest - in the midst of hundreds of ultra-Orthodox Jews in their long coats and sable-fur hats.

They might be supremely religious, but their behaviour - to me - was far from charitable or benevolent.

As the protest became noisier and the crowd began yelling, I took my recorder and microphone out of my bag to record the sound.

Suddenly the crowd turned on me, screaming in my face. Dozens of angry men began spitting on me.

I found myself herded against a brick wall as they kept on spitting - on my face, my hair, my clothes, my arms.

It was like rain, coming at me from all directions - hitting my recorder, my bag, my shoes, even my glasses.

Big gobs of spit landed on me like heavy raindrops. I could even smell it as it fell on my face.

Somewhere behind me - I didn't see him - a man on a stairway either kicked me in the head or knocked something heavy against me.

I wasn't even sure why the mob was angry with me. Was it because I was a journalist? Or a woman? Because I wasn't Jewish in an Orthodox area? Was I not dressed conservatively enough?

In fact, I was later told, it was because using a tape-recorder is itself a desecration of the Shabbat even though I'm not Jewish and don't observe the Sabbath.

I tell you, Comrades, this account is so vividly written, I swear I could hear the whine in her voice in those last eight words!

It was lucky that I don't speak Yiddish. At least I was spared the knowledge of whatever filth they were screaming at me.

Maybe they were asking if she was okay--but since she doesn't speak their language, the poor dear wouldn't know how to say, "I don't know."

Normally I should have stayed on the sidelines to watch the protest develop.

But when you've suffered the humiliation and degradation of being spat on so many times - and you're covered in other people's spit - it's not easy to put it to the back of your mind and get on with the job.

I left down a side street and walked the long way back to the car, struggling to hold back the tears.

Reading this, I find myself with the same problem.
[/BLOCKQUOTE]

Pinkie, I had to clutch my heart with both hands, while my head cocked to one side and tears leaked out of the lower eye. Had we had Jodin's account I would no doubt have been moved to leak out of both eyes, but this woman was only spit on and didn't follow a march in which people said, "We are peaceful," and then she didn't throw down her cell phone lest the cops think it was a bomb. But if she had been wearing <i>Gitmo gear</i> with spit on it, I'd still be blubbering.

Have you seen <i>Whale Wars</i>? My favorite show. The Sea Shepherds--I love that messianic tripe, er, trope there--have a ship called the <i>Steve Irwin</i>. The captain is very careful to dodge big sting-ray beds of course.

The captain is a big man with soulful brown eyes, which he can keep focused with the practice of a long-time drunk. He is so zealous that he was voted out of Greenpeace for his activism. These people harry Japanese whalers.

On one edition, two of these fearless eco-warriors got in a small boat and leaped aboard the Japanese ship, and then announced to the world that they were being kidnapped. Breath-taking hijacking of the narrative. The captain, when he wasn't sleeping it off in his room, spent all his time on the blower making it an international incident. The Australian and Japanese governments got involved, dropping all those lesser problems like tanking economies, declining birth rates, and bomb-throwing terrorists, to arrange that the two Sea Shepherds would be offloaded on some small island. On hearing this, the second mate was presented with a choice: pick up the self-kidnapping people off a small island or harry the whalers again. The captain couldn't be asked for he was "up for 30 hours," but no doubt sleeping it off. They abandoned their crew.

Then they had 1800 miles to get to Hobart, Tasmania, and didn't have enough fuel for that. Fueled by righteous indignation they hadn't planned on checking the diesel.

The first mate is a Swedish pencil-necked geek; all the others are very damaged brave people just wanting to make a difference.

Last night's edition reported the wrenching news that Denmark, whose flag they fly, for some reason didn't like them hurling things from the big ship. So they were going to hurl things from little boats. The captain, who was seeing steadily with both exopthalmic eyes was taking a picture of the stern of the whaler wondering if there was a water cannon on it.

Nonetheless they bravely manned the boats, and were complaining that while they were trying to throw things on the Japanese ship they were first greeted with a fine rain of water which, when they didn't go away, became a very powerful water cannon.

I do hope I got that right. My eyes had teared up so much that my reporting got unreliable that that point.

It's true! It's all true!

Those Jews are always spitting on people.

That's why the Palestinians have to blow themselves up, just to get even.

Anne, are you saying Jews are like Llama's? Jodin just jousted a jewish jelly fish on Animal Kingdom, he said he knew it was Jewish because it had a lavacious lump like a llama and a lisp-spit.

Jodin is my hero.

Anne, WWJD!?!

Huh? Huh?

There is an ongoing series of WWJD <a href="https://thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopi ... 1">here</a>.

Jodin will never let us down. Jodin will always lead us. Jodin will always be an inspiration as we lie cowering on the ground.

Praise Lenin for Jodin!