Spotted a link to this on Instapundit: Things you never hear.

"Wow, I didn't realize how wrong I was about everything until I read this Frank Rich column."

In the interest of fairness (i.e. not all of us are qualified to Twitter) I decided to re-distribute the concept here.

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR

As I was telling my wife Michelle recently, I'm not as smart as a lot of people think I am.

It's hard to find a commentator more rational and fair-minded than Keith Olberman.

The opponents of climate change theory are sincere, honorable people who just happen to be wrong on this issue.

...but we journalists are human like everyone else and sometimes our own personal biases get in the way of our reporting.

Geez, another entertainment industry awards show? Doesn't our business have enough of those already?

So, for the duration that the state budget is over extended, our union has decided we should help out by forgoing raises for a while.

It's hard to believe you don't watch CNN! Almost everybody else does!

Barack Obama is a man who would do just about anything for his country.

I think Congress should cut my agency's budget, we really don't need all the money they've given us to do our jobs properly.

I've been doing drugs and cheating on my wife for a long time, but for my own good and the good of my sport, I going to enter rehab and change my ways BEFORE I get caught in a national scandal.

Our party has control of the White House and both houses of Congress so if things are not going so well, we really only have ourselves to blame.

The truth is, we're lawyers and legislators and it's not possible for us to know as much about an industry than the people who actually work in it.

My last couple of pictures weren't really that good so I'm grateful that my loyal fans came out to see them anyway.

I'm a scientist and I realize that because the events I predicted haven't panned out, I have to go back and re-evaluate my AGW hypothesis and either make changes or discard it completely.

Gee, I'm a former vice-president whose college major was poli-sci, I really don't know anything about the physical sciences.

It's not going to help to increase the school budget, but it might if parents shut off the TV, computer and cell phone and made their little idiots study.

Hey, I'm a bit of a prima donna and not really qualified for the post that I've been appointed to; so before I damage my country and/or embarrass myself, I'm withdrawing myself from consideration.

It's possible the critics are right, this bill may be a stupid idea.

I'm not a hero, I'm a celebrity who makes a lot of money for playing a child's game. The real heros are those who put their lives on the line for people they don't know and little money or recognition.

It great coming down to the DMV, the folks here are so friendly.

I'd like to blame the bad economy for my company's bad quarter but the fact is our new products just suck.

The drug industry makes vital, life-saving products which are generally safe and effective. We in government wouldn't have a clue as to how to duplicate what they do at a similar price.

Wind and solar power may not be that helpful because, after all, the wind doesn't always blow and the sun doesn't always shine.

"Iraq is a quagmire and we should leave right now."

o wait. Sorry Opiate you didn't say, "Things you don't hear any MORE." Let me continue

"Following the steps of the private sector, all government employees are going to take a 10 percent paycut."

"It is Obamas fault"

"You are hired."

In the realm of things you don't hear ANY MORE...

"No nukes"

"Plastic grocery bags save trees"

"Clean coal promotes energy independence"

"The Patriot Act is a threat to our civil liberties"

"A military surge won't work"

"Post partisan/Post racial"

yea, remember how the surge was going to fail miserably and we were all gonna die? hmmmmmmm STUPID BUSH.

"Obama is a great leader and so articulate. No one ever hears him say "axed" or something so foolish as "Marine Corpse".

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Things I will never hear.

From a Department of Insurance auditor: "I see you're not stealing money and haven't had any losses so have a good day and good bye."

"When liberals say 'investment' they mean 'taxes.'"

"No Child Left Behind won't work on that kid. He's a stupid as his parents who couldn't pour piss out of a boot with directions on the heel."

"Sure, the Stimulus was just a payoff to Democratic groups."

The Holy Gore: "I was wrong about Anthropogenic Global Warming."

NASA: "Sure, we'll give you the raw temperatures."

Nanski Peloski: "2 + 2 = 4"

"I had sex with that woman."

"Our current tax laws really do punish the wealthy and disincentivize economic growth."

"Unions have a limitless advantage to fund Democratic campaigns. This needs to change."

"While Watergate was reprehensible, let's be honest- Washington has been functioning like that for 100 years. Everybody does that!"

"OK, ok, technically, Obama wasn't BORN in America. But that makes him all the more deserving of the Presidency."

"Porkulus Failed."

"TARP failed."

"We never intended to be transparent- not even close."

"You know every time I say 'Let me be clear' or 'Experts agree' or 'I don't know anbody who suggests we do otherwise' I'm just bullshitting you with throwaway lines I pull out of my ass, right?"

Very fine, Czar Czar. Very fine.

Theocritus Wrote:



No Child Left Behind won't work on that kid.He's a stupid as his parents who couldn't pour piss out of a boot withdirections on the heel."
.................................................................................

"No Child's Behind Left after they have their asses taxed off paying for their parent's and grandparent's stimulus package"

It's unprecedented how often I use the word "unprecedented". Also the word "I". And "my" and "me."

In the glorious People's Party of Pandemonium such phrases would include:
"Maybe the revolt was a bad idea?"
"There are to many people here so lets cut back on temptation."
"Earth is a quagmire we should pull out already."
"Its too cold, anyone got a sweater?"

Opiate, last night at the White House it was mooted about that President Obambi should be the only person to use the first person singular. We can have the plural--royal we, editorial we, medical we--but only His O'liness should be able to use the singular.

Because notice how much better "I," "me," "my," and "myself" sound coming out of his mouth. If there was ever a progressive who was ego on stilts, it's Obambi.

Glorious Leader has never looked better, eh Commis Theo?

I I I I I I I I me me me I I I I I I me myself myself myself I I I me me me me me I I I I

I understand that the White House is selling Lord Obama's old clothes, which for some reason have outlines of stigmata on them. In particular where he keeps his wallet.

I bid 2 beets on his tshirt . . . I am full of "hope".

He has cured the sick and raised the dead to vote again. He has fed the bureaucratic multitudes with a single ACORN. His mercy falleth like a gentle golden shower from above. And his ripped sixpack is gonna look great when we finally nail him on a cross to absolve our sins.

I am in charge of seeing to the transportation of that cross, and I know just who's going to carry it...

Fraulein Pulloskies wrote:I bid 2 beets on his tshirt . . . I am full of "hope".

I denounce Theocritus for wiping his face on T-Shirts.

First it was pancakes, now this, let's hope his next apparition isn't on a milk carton.

It is my great and good hope that one day I'll see Bruno's picture on a milk carton and we'll have amber alerts--none of which works.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:I am in charge of seeing to the transportation of that cross, and I know just who's going to carry it...

Ohh, OOOHHH, I know, over here, pick me!!!!! George W. Boosh. (spit)
Also, GWB would do the whipping, crowning with thorns, the nailing, bring the vinegar, and do the side-stabbing and burial. Cuz thats why Boosh was elected... to crucify the last guy...

Wait, I'm getting confused- that was O'bama....I think?...

What's going on???? I heard a giant sucking sound then...I ...I think I've just been Jifi-Lobo'ed???

We must replace the archaic "Hail to the Chief" with this catchy little ditty:

C2, I shall inform you of a Cube secret. Boring old physicists say that the universe was created in the Big Bang. For us progressives, the universe is centered in the Bush Terror. Until the dreaded Bu$hitler, the center of the universe was Tailgunner Joe McCarthy. But now the center of the universe is the Bush Terror.

President 0 was given yeah unto us to lead us from the horror of the Bush terror, and this is A.0. the year 1.

Opiate, although I do admire your suggestion of a song, I do not think that you are sensitive enough. Remember that this is 1 A.0., or 2010 A.D. It is bigoted to have only English words for first-person pronouns. What about ego, mihi, meus, je, moi, ich, mich and so forth? That's just a smattering of the various words that you have left out.

There is an Urdu dialect which is agglutinating and if you decline all the first-person pronouns and adjectives, you have several thousand forms. It's almost as long as Obamacare and a lot more comprehensible, even if you think that Urdu is spoken by Smurfs in their nightmares.

So I don't think that it's possible to have a first-person salute to the Littlest President. Instead I suggest that Tchaikovsky's "Eugen Onegin" waltz be played, and we grateful proles kiss out picture of Lord Zero's derriere, while President Pelosi Puppet kisses a mirror.

Whatever happened to Esperanto? I wasted a year in Jr. High School trying to learn that DOA language only to discover that English is the closest thing to a universal language this planet has.

I want a refund!

Whoopie, the universal language will soon be hip-hop. A mutual defense treaty might have language like, "We be yo homies now, and if anybody mess wid you, we get medieval on his ass."

You right, Theocritus, it was incredibly divisive and Anglo-centric of me (not to mention racist.... always racist) to limit my thinking to English and its derivatives. And when you think about it, we should not limit oursevles to the languages of Earth; what about other planets, solar systems and galaxies? Surely Obama must be their Light, too! This leads me to a radical idea (how appropriate as I AM a progressive.) We should invent a TOTALLY NEW WORD for Obama to use as his first person subject/object/possessive, just like the womyn coined "Ms" in the 70s as the new female title.

How about M'uh? M'uh healthcare plan will cuts costs, reduce the deficits and give Nevada governor Gibbons his first erection in 15 years.

M'uh rather be a great one term president than a mediocre two termer.

Rush Limbaugh hates Amerikka because he wants m'uh to fail.

M'uh!

And "M'uh" is said either with thumb and forefinger an inch apart, or pointing as though he were shooting a gun.

Obambi could have used his unique first-person pronoun ("In the beginning there was M'uh") during his health-care summit while the trashy Rethuglicans refused to bow to his splendiferous awesomeness and flashing white teeth. I recall watching him being lectured by Repukes who knew his bill better than he did, and he got his Obambi look. He kept making eye contact, smiling, nodding, furrowing his brow, pointing fingers at what he took to be salient points--just like someone trying to pretend not to be drunk or like someone who is completely and totally clueless and is desperate for people not to know.

Despite the effectiveness of solar power is its impact to the environment. Obviously, it will obviously contribute to global climate change. Moreover, let's not forget that although solar energy is one of the best solutions for electricity, it will come with a price. Although solar power will bring a few thousand job opportunities to our economy, it will cut thousands of jobs from other areas also.

I read this here (link removed with Pinkie's shovel) at my very own site where I hope to cash in on the alternative energy craze by offering high interest loans to desperately stupid people wanting to install solar panels and wind turbines, etc., using tricks I learned firsthand from the Left's own Community Reinvestment Act. Yes, comrades, obviously I am obviously just a spammer.

Don't get me wrong, I fully support solar power, I am just pointing out that it comes with an expense also. It may be worth putting people in the unemployment line and forcing them to take out loans to live for a while (Froilan, obviously, you are also obviously a nitwit, or you'd know Nancy Pelosi is already doing this very same thing in the form of perpetual unemployment checks from the government--and yes, you could say those are loans since someone's eventually going to have to pay that money back with huge interest) if it means that future generations won't have difficulties because of the chemicals we release to the atmosphere today.

Comrade Froilan

Welcome to the collective!

Your Progressive Progressiveness is noted. Only a true prog thinks that solar power is a viable energy source. Only a true prog will want to put people out of their jobs for the sake of the Greater Good!

Only a true prog would make a post about solar power on a thread that has squat to do with it. You portray an essential attribute that all good progs have:Tangential Thinking. (As opposed to lateral thinking, or ANY other form of thinking, which is something we thoroughly discourage.)

If you keep this up I may offer you the job of Minister of Solar Agriculture, Progressive Flights of Fancy and Job Destruction in the Zimbabwe Government!

Amandla!

Obamugabe

PS. You are lucky that I am the first to read this. Some of the Comrades here are paranoid about Capitalist Spam Marketing, and will assume that you are here only to promote your own vile Capitalist product. They would send you for End Of Life counseling immediately.

I, on the other hand am more Compassionate.

I may allow you to dig a few People's Commodes before I let you disappear into one...

I denounce Obamugabe for living East of the International Dateline and having the unfair advantage of getting first whack at wayward proles while I'm still in bed asleep.

I demand equal time zones for all (Col. would you do something about that?)

Comrade Whoopie

As Sir Francis Drake has so adequately demonstrated, if you go east far enough you will find that you too live east of the International Date Line.

(In fact, you live east of yourself too.)

I checked this with the Caliber Colonel and he agrees. It is science.

Amandla!

Obamugabe

Stalin's Ukrainian farm policy would have worked if he had been given more time.

just what's all this about solar power not being the bee's knees? Here at the Rancho I'm putting in acres and acres of solar power generation, and also lots of power lines to cart away the power.

In fact I'm going to run up cheap bits of cellophane and tin-foil on baling wire and CALL them solar panels because that's all I need to get the bucks from the government. And the transmission lines? They'll work both ways of course. I intend to sell power across the border, while collecting a big fat government check for it.

What could be better?