News We Don't Have Time To Write About (archive)

[Margaret]

[Margaret]

For third time this year World War III has just begun.

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Transcript of Ayatollah Khameni's final phone call: "I've fallen. And I can't get up!"

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Democrats outraged over Trump's military action to neutralize mostly peaceful world's largest state sponsor of terrorism.

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Democrats: Trump using Iran attack to distract from ICE wearing masks.

[Colonel Obyezyana]

AI platform Grok correctly predicted exact date of U.S. attack on Iran but still cannot predict exact date of the Glorious World of Next Tuesday.

[Colonel Obyezyana]

U.N. Chief condemns strike of Iran: "Undermines Supplies of oil to China and Shaheed drones to Russia."

[Colonel Obyezyana]

The party of feminists and homosexuals is livid over Trump's destruction of the world's foremost oppressor of women and homosexuals.

[Margaret]

10 years after: The people of the Islamic State of Europe chant "Death to the Middle East! Death to America!"

[Margaret]

Tehran Ted declares Iran is winning, killing hundreds of US troops, sinking American aircraft carrier, and destroying US bases across the Middle East…..

[Margaret]

“This is a war of Trump’s choosing,” say critics. “He could have kicked the can down the road.”

[Margaret]

A timely PSA:

[Margaret]

Israelis airdrop red shirts for next round of new Ayatollahs.

[Margaret]

The Atlantic reports Pete Buttigieg to run for president with new manly image for presidential campaign. His slogan: "He's a lumber jack and he's okay."

[Margaret]

The Carter legacy: Sending Khomeini to Iran was equivalent to the Germans sending Lenin to Russia.

[Colonel Obyezyana]

After finding his head and shoulders on a beach in Bali, Indonesian investigators conclude that Igor Komarov had dandruff.

[Margaret]

New survey reveals Americans contemplate fleeing to Iran if democrats win in 2026 - 2028.

[Margaret]

Venezuela, Iran, Cuba… Democrat Party worries it may be next tyrants to fall.

[Margaret]

They trot out the new fearless leader:

[Margaret]

Scandal: If the Supreme Leader is cardboard who’s authorizing the Supreme Leader’s auto-pen?

[Margaret]

[Margaret]

Looking back:

[Margaret]

The beginning is near.

[Margaret]

Hollywood goes to war! Celebrities go to Iran to entertain the IRGC with mega-extravaganza good old-fashioned morale boosting show fun.

[Margaret]

Communism only works until you run out of other people's fear.

[Margaret]

A Nazi, a Marxist, and an Islamist walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have, Tucker?"

[Margaret]

The revolution will be monetized.

[Red Square]

Trick question: What do you call hundreds of laid-off Washington Post journalists?

A collective noun for those would be "a darkness of journalists"

[Margaret]

True Facts: Democrats in Pennsylvania withdrew a resolution to honor March as national women’s month after a Republican asked them what a woman is.

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Nation's superstitious amateur-astronomer anti-Semites wary as April Fool's Day, full moon and Passover fall on the same day.

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Playful Wikipedia posts a truth-bending, hoax-laden front page for April Fool's Day—no one can spot any difference.

[Groucho Marxist]

I leared the truth at seventeen

[Margaret]

Celebrations turn tragic: Reports confirm April 1st bloodiest day of sectarian violence over proper shade of red for the People's Cube debate, many confirmed dead.

[Margaret]

Workers and peasants around the world celebrate launch of Cubeopedia, the world's first online encyclopedia.

[Margaret]

Breaking: TPC slush fund for Party members to quietly settle sexual harassment claims was setup by inner-Party to keep files on and blackmail ‘most expendable’ apparatchiks.

[jackalopelipsky]

Rumors of video of a moorish trumpeter performing "Deguello" at the ribbon cutting ceremonies for opening of the Islamic Prayer Room within the Vatican Apostolic Library prompt AI crack down response.

[Margaret]

The Right's effort to make it seem as if the Party invented Emmanuel Goldstein are lies, the Party merely pays informants in his organization.

[Margaret]

Mamdani’s grocery stores aren’t built yet but already facing setbacks as potential workers strike for shorter hours, better wages.

[Margaret]

“We have literally like a million people who were born here but live in China who could run for president.” - Mollie Hemingway

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Sioux Actor Nathan Chasing Horse Sentenced to Life in Prison for Chasing Ass.

[Colonel Obyezyana]

James Talarico's Pastor Says MAGA Movement Wants to Restore the Confederacy but MAGA Shows Zero Interest in Joining Democrat Party.

[Margaret]

SPLC labels the US Supreme Court a hate group.

[Margaret]

Chairman Xi highly recommends new Animal Farm movie, gives it a full red Peoples Cube, approval for all Chinese theaters

[Margaret]

The Middle East regions are asking for halal organs.

[Margaret]

Next project for filmmakers of Animal Farm to be movie version of Atlas Shrugged with John Galt as communist revolutionary.

[Margaret]

The revolution will be postponed due to low funds.

[Margaret]

New podcast with someone that looks and says things very much like Adolf Hitler becomes a leftwing favorite.

[Margaret]

Twilight Zone episode "To Serve Man" to be made into farcical comedy movie where the democrats give millions of the man-eating space aliens asylum with tragicomic results.

[Margaret]

In the blink of an eye "War is never the answer." has become “Violence is the only way things change permanently.”

[Margaret]

Hantavirus kills two in meth lab explosion.

[Margaret]

Sources confirm Israelis behind man-eating space alien invasion, NYT piece claims.

[Margaret]

Breaking: Democrat candidates going through intense training on how to act normal for this campaign cycle.

[Margaret]

Democrats plan to burn down the country now that Republicans have agreed to pack the court... now, while Trump is President.

[Margaret]

A win-win situation is the Party wins twice.

[Colonel Obyezyana]

WHO warns of worldwide hantavirus pandemic.

[Colonel Obyezyana]

WHO says threat of epidemic low evan as ebola virus ravages central Africa.    

[Colonel Obyezyana]

WHO says a lot of things but who cares what WHO says (other than Horton)?

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Trump Demands Firing of Obama-Era Senate Parliamentarian Elizabeth MacDonough After She Proclaims All Republican Proposals Invalid Unless Republican Senators Loudly Say "MAY I?" First.  

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Pabst Announces It's Ending Production of Schlitz (The Beer That Made Milwaukee Famous) After Discovering Milwaukee Isn't Famous and Most Americans Think Wisconsin Is in Canada.

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Democrat Rep Van Hollen Calls Dem Candidate Talarico "Terrific," Teases "a Quiet Little Place I Know in El Salvador" Where They Can Get Together for a Few Margaritas.  

[Colonel Obyezyana]

The Flame Has Burnt Out! — Former Dem Senator Barney Frank Dead at 86. 

[Colonel Obyezyana]

AI-Run College Commencement Ceremony Ruined as AI Tacks Personal Loan Debt and Chance of Landing a Job Onto Each Graduate's Name. 

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Dem Candidate's Campaign in Jeopardy After Wardrobe Malfunction! Maureen Galindo's Fake Hitler Mustache Falls Off as She Pledges to Send ‘American Zionists’ to Internment Camps. 

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Cannes- Spanish Director Declares ‘The U.S. Is Not a Democracy Right Now’ while U.S. Voters Ignore His Political Ignorance and Participate in Their Republic's Primaries.

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Children's YouTube Entertainer Ms. Rachel Tells ‘Grown-Up’ Fans to Color Paper Dolls with Kids for Anti-ICE Crusade, Gives 'White Christian Nationalist' Fans Reverend Jones' Famous Kool-Aid Recipe.

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Argentina Traps Rats in Tierra del Fuego in Search for Source of Hantavirus Outbreak That Originated with Hantavirus-Infected Rats in Tierra del Fuego.

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Morelos, Mexico Families Extorted by Cartels Simply for Living in Their Homes as Bishop Ramón Castro Warns Organized Crime Has Taken Control, to Which Morelos Families Replied, 'No Mierdo, Sherlock!'

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Wizened Old Fossil and Indiana Jones Star Harrison Ford Lurches into Action After U.N. Admits the I.P.C.C. Climate Models Were in Error—Tells Graduates to Get Out There and Whip Global Warming. 

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Biotech Firm Plays God with Artificial Egg Breakthrough, Finally Answering the Unasked Question: 'Which Came First, the Bionic Chicken or the Bionic Egg?'

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Biotech Firm Plays God with Artificial Egg Breakthrough, Finally Answering the Unasked Question: 'Which Came First, the Bionic Chicken or the Bionic Egg?'

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Hundreds of Teens Intent on Taking Over NJ Beach Town Angrily Depart Upon Learning All It Has to Offer Is Greasy Carnival Seafood, Sketchy Amusement Concessions, Decrepit Tar-Scented Boardwalks and Zombie Crack Addicts.

[Colonel Obyezyana]

Socialist Seattle Mayor Flip-Flops on Stinging Starbucks Comments, Fearing the Coffee Giant May Pull Out of Her City, Leaving Dunkin' Donuts as Her Only Coffee Option. 

[Colonel Obyezyana]

FCC Considers Parental Warnings for ‘Transgender Content’ in Children’s Shows but No Warnings for 'Transgender Content' in Adult Shows on Disney, Netflix, Peacock or Networks.

[Colonel Obyezyana]

‘Eternal Flame’ Spreads and Destroys 1,200-Year-old Temple in Japan: Republicans Graciously Offer to Relocate It to DNC Headquarters In Washington, D.C.