News We Don't Have Time To Write About (archive)



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2010-2012 |
China's Peoples Daily launches attack on New York Times in what State Dept classifies as "friendly fire" incident Democrats seek experienced Somali pirates to launch "Pirate the Vote" campaign in battleground states
Children blame their parents in pro-Obama music video produced by the Menendez brothers Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama As hurricane Sandy remains undecided about where to make landfall, Frank Luntz books her for next focus group
Americans prepare for obnoxious Thanksgiving relatives by watching reruns of Biden/Ryan debate Obamacare experts promise that hospital patients will soon be able to see Alren Specter's head get attached to Joe Biden's body Republican War Machine sent one of Romney clones to Debate Obama
Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory Obama to Middle East flag burners: "You didn't burn that, somebody else made that happen"
Obama declares Tampa a Federal Disaster Zone; DHS relocates Romney, Ryan to FEMA-approved refugee facilities Obama to Evangelicals: Jesus saves, I just spend
Obama and Democrats alienate yet another loyal voter bloc: Necro-Americans
Team USA beats Nigeria by 83 points after receiving email from Nigerian prince offering 3 gold medals each if they send him theirs first
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels Witness: "The line at Chick-fil-A was so long, I thought Obamcare had already been implemented." GM profits plunge 41%; CEO to make desperate statement in favor of traditional marriage Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff of it
Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics Media to refer to gold medal winners as one-percenters John Kerry: "Send back those medals - it's the only fair thing to do!"
Olympic Committee to withdraw medals from non-unionized athletes, give them to deserving Public Employee Union members Study: If water boarding were a sexual preference it would be part of public school curriculum Obama Administration reportedly runs food stamps across the border with Mexico in an operation code-named "Fat And Furious"
Did you know? Dead plants and animals are an environmental tragedy; dead border patrol agents are just a statistic Report: Obama too half-white to address half of NAACP delegation Latest figures reveal Obama leading Romney, 117 to 55, in using first-person pronouns "I" and "me" in speeches
Experts have little hope for Venezuela surviving late-stage metastasized Chavez In addition to giving your wedding gifts to Obama, you can now also write Obama into your will, family trust, or grant him power of attorney over your estate - all through innovative online service at Legalchoom.gov/grift Obama re-election campaign announces Independence Day fire sale of "old-fashioned White House junk"
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay" "How to Impeach a Supreme Court Justice" debuts at #1 on New York Times bestseller list Justice Scalia: "Hitting refresh on Drudge Report isn't going to make wording of healthcare decision any different" Obama Admin launches new series, Game Of Drones MSNBC: Rodney King dies as a result of wounds sustained in 1991 police beating White House: Manufacturing millions "I Heart Gringos" welcoming guest worker uniforms will save or create enough jobs to compensate for the 800,000 taken away by new arrivals
Jay Carney: Nat'l security leaks are proof that President is fulfilling promise of most open and transparent administration ever Canadian Cannibal admits to being influenced by Occupy Wall Street chant 'Eat the Rich'
Walker wins; two MSNBC hosts commit suicide live on air Obama: 'As soon as Bush walked back into the White House, unemployment went up' Bloomberg to restrict children's access to Food Network in NYC metro area; shows with high-calory content to air after 8pm
White House confirms Obama has daughters and spoke of 'sons' merely out of gender-blindness: 'We all know that sexual organs are a discriminatory social construct that must be deconstructed'
Study: Obama doesn't like "fat cats" because he is a "dog person" Dems claim their attacks on Haley, Palin, Ann Romney are not "War on Conservative Women," but rather "Domestic Feminist Contingency Operation"
Obama to Cory Booker: a mind is a terrible thing to use Summer dead; Gore blames climate change In attempt to recover $2 billion loss, JP Morgan Chase renames itself Chasebook
As election campaign heats up, Obama promises students to forgive their sins Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name Democrat geneologists: every time you drop litter on highway, Elizabeth Warren sheds a single tear
Michelle: My stick is bigger than Barack's Breaking news: one year later, Bin Laden still dead Obama in Afghanistan: American chicken is going home to roost
Obama: Killing one terrorist is a triumph, killing millions of jobs is a statistic May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Obama to Congress: my government, my business WH news briefing cut short after Jay Carney's pants spontaneously self-combust Catholic Bishops order supersize confession booth for James Carney
Insulted by Romney's accusation of them doing Obama's bidding, enraged media demand immediate instructions from White House on how to respond Hillary in Colombian bar: Read my hips! Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Study: Ozzie Guillen's beatdown by U.S. media not as bad as beatdown in Cuban prison for speaking out Olbermann: "They fired me for wearing a hoodie!" Cheney gets new heart; nation also hopeful that Biden gets brain, Obama courage, and House drops on Pelosi Trayvor Martin shooting causes fear of backlash among Latinos with old-Jewish-guy names
Larry Sinclair: : If I had a son, he'd look like Barack Obama Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off To raise awareness about how unattractive respiratory disorders can be, Obama's FDA bans over-the-counter sales of asthma inhalers
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel" UN: Iron Dome system in Israel too successful, may cause humanitarian crisis as desperate Gaza officials are forced to divert funds from education and healthcare in order to compensate for destroyed missiles
Whitney Houston and Elvis seen at Obama fundraiser Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome
Dept. of Energy certifies Georgetown Law School sex drive as clean energy source, adds to number of green jobs created Limbaugh controversy prompts Atlantic City casinos to preemptively shut down wildly popular Sandra Fluke slot machines
Third-grader forced to apologize to Sandra Fluke for telling classmate, "Yo mama went to Georgetown Law School" Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration' Putin's post-election tears sold for five million dollars on eBay, rumored to have magical and political powers; buyer identified by initials B.O. Obama: I don't want anyone punished with a birth certificate Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill! Supportive Americans send Sandra Fluke thousands of contraceptives in hopes she'll never reproduce
Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college Rescue team recovers Obama's birth certificate ten miles away from tornado path
US commander in Afghanistan attempts to quell rioters by burning the American equivalent of the Koran - a year's subscription of 'Goosebumps' Colorado school board: Islamic harassment of choir student not in violation of DOE guidelines on death threats
Maya Angelou: "Whitney's dead, Santorum did it, Romney gave the gun, and Gingrich hid it" Larry Flint: Santorum aspirin position in poor taste and beyond the pale
Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed Nation grateful to Madonna for promise to keep clothes on at Super Bowl
Pelosi backs merger of Girl Scouts with Planned Parenthood: 'Who's NOT planning to be a parent at 12 these days?' Groundhog Day news: Punxsutawney Phil doesn't see Obama's shadow Obama's critics respond to Newsweek cover by publishing 'Defeating Obama for Dummies'
North Pole shuts down as elves unionize, demand warmer work environment Comet and Blitzen refuse to serve with openly gay Dasher and Prancer
Santa's sleigh grounded: PETA files animal cruelty suit against jolly old St. Nick Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Adults to Occupiers: there is no socialist Santa Claus; OWS protesters vow to continue demanding free chocolate cookies and milk
Carney: new tax on Christians to help improve Christ's image via NEA grants Obama: this isn't Christmas tax, it's Jizya Mainstream media exposes Cain's radical ties to Koch-funded abolitionist movement Dems compromise with Cain, only 10 lashes if he returns to plantation now White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus NY Daily News poll asking New Yorkers about Wall Street protesters uncovers glitch in People's Math: 79% want to see 99% kicked out
Iran 'will pay a price' for assassination plot: Obama will not bow to Ahmadinejad for minimum of 90 days
Paul Krugman predicts stimulus package named "Irene" will improve economy this weekend Republicans block Obama's $420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck
Carney calls Obama vacation 'stimulative,' estimates it will create 4 million jobs Unemployment promises not to rise until after Obama's vacation Gorbachev to Obama: 'I too should have abandoned the Communist party earlier' Obama tours states in long black bus; Biden to follow in short bus Gaddafi petitions UN to support London rebels, demands resignation of British Prime Minister Six Flags opens new roller coaster called The Dow Jones Obama blames Thomas Jefferson for current economic woes; Biden says it's King George's fault Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space President to interrupt his schedule, go on apology tour to Bible Belt, bow before local Church leaders Media: Why do Christians hate us?
Ridley Scott to remake Kingdom of Heaven, this time portraying Crusaders as a peaceful, moderate group Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost Progressive dream comes true: Nordic-looking Christian male commits act of terror Racist NY Times quick to blame Muslims for Norway attack Experts: new media standard dawns as headlines rush to describe race, color, and religion of Norwegian shooter Los Angeles: bicyclists replace Prius owners as smuggest commuters Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't Summer fun looks up! June jobs numbers up from 18,000 new jobs to loss of 26,000 jobs DNC eyes Romney as possible nominee for 2012 Nancy Grace on Casey Anthony verdict: "Somewhere out there, the devil is dancing tonight." Devil to Nancy: "I haven't danced since Roe v Wade"
White House admits to falling behind schedule in finding new populist, vapid 2012 reelection slogan State Department: We're not bombing in Libya; we're only dropping unsolicited instant demolition devices Obama to Congress: "Unlike me, you're always on vacation. That's what you are but what am I?"
NY approves gay marriage; any moment now straight people expected to take to streets in hissy fit protest, demanding courts to overturn White House cuts government waste by consolidating all Federal websites into one easy-to-use 'Obama-For-America-2012' website
Huntsman Who: 'I-m like Reagan - a very, very efficient policy-wonk collectivist technocrat' Pelosi reverses stance, vows to go hard on Weiner
Tired of jokes about his name, Rep. Weiner (D) changes it to Whinner Activists against voter ID discovered to be teens in elaborate scheme to avoid being carded at area nightclub Harry Reid: 'We believe in a living breathing budget that evolves as society changes - today, tomorrow, the next minute, the next election'
Foreign policy mixup leads to Obama's order that helps US Global happiness index compiled by Peoples Cube researchers shows ThePeoplesCube.com is best and happiest website, has healthiest babies, most bountiful beet harvests, enjoys wisest leader
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse' Ken Burns' DVD "The Domestic Contingency Operation" #1 on Amazon As French troops close in on Côte d'Ivoire's President, Code Pink condemns France's 'War for Chocolate'
Government shutdown averted, which means the hard-working unionized masses at the IRS will continue, without interruption, to write letters kindly asking citizens to "pay their fair share" Media Matters reporting: Fox News to execute Glenn Beck next Tuesday Conde Nast gave $8m to scammer who sent one email; elsewhere, electorate gave four years to scammer who had one slogan
As Japanese workers stuff newspapers into nuclear reactor to stop toxic leakage, questions arise if stuffing nuclear reactor into New York Times might bring similar beneficial results Jihadists Without Borders rush to aid Libyian rebels Obama skips trip to Mayan ruins, returns home to visit ruins of America instead
Biden: US troops in Libya could help save or create thousands of civilian lives Maintaining two wars while starting a third proves easy for Nobel Peace Prize winner Obama Mainstream media learns to stop worrying and love the war NYT: Sometimes war can be the answer
MSNBC: Counting civilian deaths in Libya too complicated Obama suggests No-Fly Zone in Libya be modeled on his No-Decision Zone at White House Nuke workers in Japan take advice from progressives, jam huge piece of regulation into reactor to cool it
Obama buys fiddle, heads to Rome Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights Hawaii: Tsunami washes away Obama's birth certficate, forcing Gov. Abercrombie to give up on investigation Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Meanwhile, Libyan rebels are fleeing after sustained attacks by government employees loyal to Colonel Gaddafi Rumors of 'rape for food' treatment spread in UN refugee camps for Democrat senators fleeing Wisconsin Mainstream media to keep up current protest coverage policy in Wisconsin: "See no Union, hear no Union"
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild" Obama prayer breakfast features environmentally conscious and progressive god, as opposed to evil oppressor god of Bush years Joe Biden: Egypt protests just a big pyramid scheme Churchill: We will fight them on the beaches; Reagan: Tear down this wall; Obama: Follow me on twitter
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh Historical revisionists: "Hey, you never know" Obama proposes national 'Win The Future' lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov't spending Communist leader and Hu Jintau give joint White House press conference Abortion horror in Philly: pro-choice activists need to tone down rhetoric
China's president calls international currency 'product of the past', wishes to use shiny clam shells Detroit public schools focus on Green education as students harvest materials from abandoned school buildings to finance Teachers Union benefits Obama eases Cuba travel: 30 refugees per raft instead of previous 20
New federal entitlement unveiled: all memorials to have Yaqui pray reader New Democrat plan to enhance civility requires all GOP members to attend professionally managed Republicans Anonymous sessions
DHS 'see something, say something' program scrapped due to overload of whistle-blowing tips about DHS and the Obama administration "No Labels" movement hits supermarkets with disastrous results Comet and Blitzen refuse to serve with openly gay Dasher and Prancer ACLU: Christmas tree lighting ceremonies create more terrorists
Al Qaeda establishes 'Off with their heads' scholarship fund for British students Jeremiah Wright goes to Stockholm with a sermon 'Sweden's chickens are coming home to roost'
Muslim woman guilty of drunk driving won't remove scarf for jail photo
Democrat voters frustrated over Wikileaks failure to implicate Bush in stealing Iraqi oil White House considers launching a Wikidiaper website Gibbs: basketball game in which Obama split his lip was started by Bush Obama names his 12 lip stitches "Mark, Luke, John, Matthew, Paul, Peter..." Newest TSA slogan "Smell my finger" turns out to be an inside joke North Korea attacks; American peace groups quickly react by not organizing antiwar marches, not burning DPRK flags, not painting Hitler mustache on effigies of Kim Jung Il, and not chanting "peace now" Hollywood refuses to brand Kim Jung Il war monger and lying liar, sends Oliver Stone on fact-finding mission Study: a Google search for body count website listing civilian deaths in Korea brought no results
Irish economy in a shambles but who cares; St Patrick’s day is only 4 months away Obama to cut Medicare as soon as debt panel finds a way to blame it on Republicans
Soros escape pod seen over Los Angeles; clueless Pentagon denies 'action by U.S. adversary,' searches ocean bed for hatches and trap doors Just in: fall of USSR result of not speaking to people effectively, teleprompters not having been invented yet
Obama's final appeal to voters: Have the courage and integrity to rubber stamp my rubber stamps! Obama distances from himself in Charlottesville to woo Virginia voters Juan Williams hired by Fox News to represent liberals; show titled You've seen Juan, you've seen 'em all
New polling indicates American voters no longer want change, they just want their money back
Democrats pull troops out of Iraq to fight the 'real war' on Christine O' Donnell In effort to appeal to NOW feminists, Christine O'Donnell changes name to Rosie, gains 400lbs Obama goes to church, worships self Study: Obama's threat to butn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties GOP: a Rove by any other name still smells the same Imam Rauf finds a peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt' New Yorkers to Rauf: 'move mosque to Mecca; Ground Zero at location can be arranged' Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet General Petraeus: non-halal meals, uncovered female Americans endanger U.S. troops
Cardboard cutouts used to fill empty seats for Obama's appearance as Obama takes credit for creating jobs in cardboard-cutout sector Taliban commanders warn that a plan to build Ground Zero mosque could provoke violence against their troops and operatives overseas MSNBC suggests Florida church burn Bible instead of Koran; fewer pages mean smaller carbon footprint
The U.N. posthumously awards all French military personal that served during May of 1940 a medal for Courageous Restraint White House revises policy to announce when President is at work instead of announcing when he is going on vacation
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs White House: Spanish vacation saved or created 3,427 jobs Pelosi issues recall of House, citing electoral safety concerns
Congress ceases Pentagon spending, outsources armed forces to China Shirley Sherrod accepts apology, gets new gov't job in End of Life Counseling On first visit as Britain's PM, David Cameron chooses a communist state, seeks détente Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future GOP challengers promise post-racial presidency after 2012 Doctors: Glenn Beck's worsening eyesight and inability to focus give hope he may yet join other media and follow Obama Parachuting donkey lands into Vice President's desk, continues business as usual Obama calls on radical groups to comply with rules for radicals NAACP condemns racism within al Qaeda: 'We don't have a problem with radicals, we have an issue with their acceptance of white Arab supremacists into their organizations'
In view of lasting heat wave, all weather forecasts are temporarily replaced with 'An Inconvenient Truth' infomercials NAACP strongly denounces The New Black Panthers
Europe: Oracle Octopus predicts World Cup winner; Today's box office: LeBron knixes New York in a suspense thriller The Field of Nightmares (Tax Them and They Won't Come)
Portland Tribune to receive Pulitzer Prize for best investigative non-reporting of Al Gore's sexual public service blooper War on Arizona turns to quagmire; Obama sets timetable on American withdrawal by 2011
Harry Reid changes name to John F Kennedy in last ditch effort to win re-election White House spokesman Gibbs clarifies why President's answers to nation's problems seem surreal, bizarre and inappropriate, by comparing reporter's question to a purple polka-dotted people-eater riding a tricycle Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium ![]() President taps Pay Czar for BP payouts to victims: Unions order freighter of champagne EPA: New climate bill will cost less than a postage stamp a day to those still able to afford a postage stamp Helen Thomas Gets "Rachel Corrie Golden Bulldozer Award" Puzzled media: Apparently, Al Gore is pro-drill
Obama blames Bush for screwing up his 'Don't Make Excuses' grad speech in Kalamazoo, Michigan Helen Thomas to leave US for ancestral Lebanon to no longer be occupier of La Raza's Land Following phrase scheduled to appear on every Sunday morning news show: 'What Helen actually ment to say was...'
Obama's Deficit Reduction Commission operating in the red Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears Democrats introduce bill regulating who can be a politician BP hires Gaza flotilla peace activists to beat oil back into hole |
2007-2009 | ||||||
![]() Obama adopts White House mole, names him 'Guaca' in honor of Mexican president Blumenthal injured by swiftboating, earns Purple Heart Spurred by Arizona immigration controversy, Obama Administration moves to secure the border with Canada ![]() We are all greeks now! Angry drug smugglers and human traffickers become latest group to boycott Arizona over immigration law CNN: Failed Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad had links to Pakistani Tea Party movement ![]()
Loophole preemptively shuts down three branches of government, coinciding with Obama preemptively shutting down oil production SEC researchers watch porn, discover ways to self-stimulate economy Federal gov't sets stage to bail out federal gov't ![]() Obama reaches out to Tea Parties, incorporates their ideas of limited gov't in new multi-trillion dollar stimulus package Focus group: tanning salon tax disproportionately targets white people Fidel Castro endorses Joe Biden's comment on passing healthcare reform Pelosi: Voting one by one is so 18th century ![]() Healthcare summit: Obama reveals he is bipartisan-curious The new battle cry of Massachusetts: The turncoats are coming! Crouching Tiger, Slouching Press Deniers drop tons of foot powder on Washington to emulate snow blizzard during hottest Global Warming winter on record
![]() Obama's SOTU changes the meaning of "cultivate" to "cultiveight": build up a perception that the current woes are the result of the previous eight years O's first year in office: 2 million jobs saved, 76 major natural disasters prevented Dead-Americans claim voter fraud in Massachusetts: cemeteries denied access to polling places, Senator Kennedy demands recount
Mayor Nagin sends 200 school buses to Haiti; Gov. Blanco appointed to oversee construction of Superdome Closer inspection of Kennedy Seat revealed it's an old car seat with water damage Unusually cold winter causes liberals to keep hands in OWN pockets
Air Force deploys eavesdropping spy plane codenamed 'Jewish mother' Seven more women claim to have had lip exchanges with St. Nick underneath mistletoe Mrs. Claus found standing over bleeding hubby next to wrecked sleigh, holding nutcracker North Pole shuts down as elves unionize, demand warmer work environment Time editors still undecided who to select as 'Barack of the Year' in 2009 Obama revolutionizes war: 'leaving' is the new 'victory' ACORN to change name to CHESTNUT; meaning of new acronym still being debated Obama's new autobiography tentatively titled Going Rouge Antartica's Ross Island Detainment Center (RID-C) receives first batch of climate-change skeptics Obama saves big on high cost of turkey for the troops by delaying Afghan surge until after Thanksgiving Retailers begin annual cash- in on Christian holiday they refuse to mention by name Christmas & Healthcare Reform season classic: NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution Police trained in using end of life counseling techniques to negotiate suicide threats Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention ![]() Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?' Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Saudis: the word 'assassination' will never be the same Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies" Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back of bus Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where? Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage 'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE) Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs' Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union Label Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation' Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!! On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing' CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman White House tree commits suicide over economic policy Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush' Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse' In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it" Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever' Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research' Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow! ![]() ![]() ![]() buy this sticker ![]() ![]() Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram' DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberry Dow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15 WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents use DHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!" Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming" ![]() Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube ![]() Obama gives Queen a shovel ![]() ![]() click here Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don't leave home without it' Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Seven Obama cousins found living in voting booth
Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Laika the Space Dog considered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide US choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we'll be a Peace Keeping force Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crash Dead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter
Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby
Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Obama beats Hillary to oveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Grand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint Word of the day: How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problem Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans'
Obama: we have always been at peace with Hillary Clinton
Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria
Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush
Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: The war on fire is lost MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam ![]() Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Sheryl Crow to wipe out Global Warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: ban guns, rich kids New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!" Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial
Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on Mars Las Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless-transgendered-vegan disabled-obese- Kartina-victim as a sidekick Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others
Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far.
Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't kill Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's death Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet
Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it?
US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in Iraq Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page US Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Paris Hilton gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission | ||||||
2006-2007 | ||||||
Google merges with ChiCom, bans People's Cube, changes name to "Gulagoogle" Google's air strike destroys the People's Cube penis enlargement factory in Nigeria Google investigation links the People's Cube to Viagra proliferation Google's Matt Cutts: The People's Cube's hidden keywords cause Global Warming, terrorism Google Über Alles! sing along version (turn on your speakers) Google: information is like coffee and we're the filter Cheney invites Ahmadinejad on quail hunting trip Gay Film Awards Ceremony canceled due to overlapping schedule with the Oscars Supreme Court sends military recruiters back on campus; Marxist recruiters sue over unfair competition ACLU: high school stamp collectors are racists Chuck Schumer: Dubai in charge of US ports is not the same as Moscow in charge of Hollywood Bird flu finally hits US: Senate Democrats develop feverish concern about national security UN issues report on human rights abuses by the US; also purchases a large glass house and a bag of stones Kanye West at Mardi Gras in New Orleans: "George Bush doesn't care about black boobs " 2006 Winter Olympics: male ice skater disqualified for being straight Bush responds to UN criticism of Gitmo, relocates detainees to Turtle Bay Gun-toting Dick Cheney shoots someone: screw the details, we've got the headline! Post Valentine Day drug- stores clear shelves for the next bullshit holiday
Cheney claims shooting was an isolated incident, not beginning of rampage: Senate Democrats breathe sigh of relief Europe finally growing a pair of balls, albeit at a lower rate than expected Cindy Sheehan to cartoon protestors: "It's 15 minutes, not 15 days!" Sheehan to Iranian President: "Get off my front page, attention whore!" Sheehan to Chavez: "Will You Be My Valentine?" Republican speaks out against wiretaps, NY Times clears front page for next three weeks DNC: Bush knew about Danish cartoons prior to publication
Muslims demand Mohammed star on Hollywood Boulevard
Mohammed to press: I'm bigger than Jesus! Mohammed and Cindy Sheehan scheduled for cameo appearances in a new episode of the Simpsons Reuters: US presence in Iraq creates unsafe conditions for foreign non-contractual instantaneous public demolition crews
Iranian President to denounce Bush's State of Union speech at the annual Gay Pride Parade in Tehran Appeasement works: French domesticate Islamofascists, teach them useful skills Ted Kennedy jumps on anti-war bandwagon, tips it over into a creek, many drown Leaky CIA sieve located at Langley basement, replaced with new stainless sieve Welfare recipient sues Nanny State for not disclosing addictive effects of hand-outs Berkeley scientists develop new ways to eliminate Republicans on campus Natural disasters elaborate ploy to harm minorities, women Attention New Orleans residents: when asked to evacuate, please leave Democrat plans to criticize enemy troops a no-starter US military success demoralizes Congressional Democrats Saudis to terrorists: don't blow it all in one place! Local construction worker confuses Sen. Schumer with own complaining, annoying mother-in-law Female US soldiers insulting to Muslim insurgents: won't wear veils, menstruate Godiva and Hershey's battle to win New Orleans rebuilding contracts Hot summer temperatures threaten chocolate skyscrapers in New Orleans Nagin's chocolate: plenty of nuts, no white stuff ACLU: Bush wiretapped Martin Luther King Sam Alito exposed as member of organization that advocates work and personal responsibility Alito still silent on transgender rights NY Times: Alito's wife's crying slanders Biden, Kennedy, Schumer PETA: Alito ignores puppy rights, fish suffrage AP: Alito biased against insurgents, terrorists Time: Rove engineered Alito wife's breakdown Cindy Sheehan refuses to endorse Alito Area cook: Racist Alito never orders ethnic food Scientists: Mother Earth is a stupid fat cow Iranian president proves that 2+2=4 is a Zionist falsehood Congressional Democrats find new ways to punish the rich and reward the lazy Air America Radio expands audience by 150%, adding two new listeners BBC, Reuters hire suicide reporters Ariana Huffington closes failed blog, enters convent New study: sunlight causes global warming | ||||||
2005 | ||||||
North Pole shuts down as elves unionize, demand warmer work environment
Santa's sleigh grounded: PETA files animal cruelty suit against jolly old St. Nick Comet and Blitzen refuse to serve with openly gay Dasher and Prancer Rudolph publishes auto-biography, says shiny nose still cause for discrimination
Saddam's book asking kids not to grow up as fascist dictators wins Pulitzer Prize, contract in Hollywood Joan Baez and The Christian Peacemaker Teams! sing We Shall Overcome outside Baghdad courthouse
Anti-war activists erect a makeshift memorial near blast site to honor fuel depot's self sacrifice Black cloud from London blast covers France; "What else is new," says Frenchman
DNC Chair vows to take back the non-denomi-
Planned Parenthood: the last thing we want you to do is become a parent North Korea: because famines don't come naturally anymore Wal-Mart capitalizes on anti-Wal-Mart sentiment, announces "save money and annoy liberals" blowout sale French psyche manifests itself in world's first face transplant operation
In other news: most Canada geese prefer to get medical treatment in the US Al Qaeda's unilateral bombings in Jordan squander world media's sympathies
EU leaders praise Iran over softening anti-Israel stance from "annihilate" to "wipe out" Iranian Prez: I said 'clean up Israel,' where did you get 'wipe out Israel' from?
A flock of Canada geese illegally obtain Florida driver licenses New York Times declares Democrats in charge, endorses armed revolt Democrats demand accountability for suicide bombers in Iraq Barbara Boxer blows herself up over Karl Rove Making a point by exploding: the new filibuster Oil discovered on Mars; Halliburton to build risky interplanetary pipeline
Abbas: "pushing Jews into the sea" a bad slogan for PA vacation cruises. Marketing director executed Rejected suicide recruit blows up al-Qaeda office to make a point ACLU condemns al Qaeda terrorism against transgender civilians
|
SHEEHAN / KATRINA | ||||||||||||||||
Cindy Sheehan betrays her son, sides with enemy Poll: Ted Kennedy considered degenerate drunk by < 50% of Americans Labor Unions admit to artificially inflating national cost of living Chuck Schumer speechless Democrats: Social Security is a pyramid scheme Ariana Huffington closes failed blog, enters convent Labor Unions agree to wages determined by free market Government program ends as its intended goal has been achieved Mainstream Media apologizes to Americans for decades of bias Moveon.org decide to actually move on Michael Moore gets a real job Hollywood movie paints a favorable image of Senator Joe McCarthy Gay and Lesbian leaders declare abstinence best protection from AIDS France thanks US for saving ass... twice Ass whooping discourages teen from "doing it again" Environmental groups switch focus from communism to environment Peace activists enraged over terrorist attacks United Nations: capitalism best cure for hunger and poverty Amnesty International supports US effort to end tyranny and corruption in Africa Technological progress: nature's only chance |
Because this is a communal project, you must pick your individual brains and copy/paste your findings here. Remember that the Party knows everything already, so your contributions will only remind us of what already existed in the depths of our collective consciousness (also known as Groupthink).


Iraqis Rejoice: U.S. Army Brings Power To Previously Unelectrified Parts of Country
Afghan Women Burn Burkas in Celebration of New Rights
Gitmo Detainees Say the Cuisine is Superb, But Still Want to Kill the Infidel Chef


Enviro-friendly fart-powered rollerskates on sale in Seattle
French to Bush: Take back your dead soldiers!
Germans develop delicious stem-cell pousse cafe!
Ralph Nader DNA shocker: 3/4 Republican, 1/4 Libertarian
New York Times declares democrats in charge, endorses armed revolt
U.N. seeks nuclear capability, threatens Bush, Bolton.
Maureen Dowd and Castro sex tape shocker!
Gloria Steinem misplaces vagina
Madonna source of crab infestation, yeast epidemic

A Fellow Traveler.


Fed Up
"Karl Rove Blameless, Democrats Ashamed"
"Chuck Schumer Speechless"
"Democrats Demand Accountability for Suicide Bombers Who Killed 24 children in Iraq"
"Democrats Honestly Debate Judicial Nominees, Push for Vote"
"Poll: Teddy Kennedy Considered Degenerate Drunk by >50% of Americans"
"Most Americans Think Ted Kennedy Killed Mary Joe"
"Iraq War a Success, Iraqis' Happy"
"Mainstream Media Liberally Biased"
News of Note:
"Democrats Harness Their Hate, Develop New Energy Source"
"Dr. Howard Dean Declares Conservatives Anatomically Different, Genetically Inferior"
Private Pravda
Quote:
"Dr. Howard Dean Declares Conservatives Anatomically Different, Genetically InferiorKomrade F.U. (??!!), surely you plagerize the NY Times!

Quote:
Gloria Steinem misplaces vaginaDear Comrade:
Now I understand the headline: "Gloria Steinem in New Quest to Find Herself"

"Israelis Defend Citizens Against Terror Attacks"
"Senator Clinton/Schumer/Durban/Feinstein/Boxer/Kennedy..Praise Bush"
"Democrats Welcome Bush Nomination to Federal Bench"
"Saudi Government to Repay US for Decades of Deception, Disloyalty and Oil Price Gouging"
"Ted Kennedy Shuts Up"
"ACLU Hails New Crackdown on Crime/Illegal Immigration/Obscenity"
"Abortion Supporters Admit to Murder of Millions"


Quote:
Gloria Steinem misplaces vaginaPerhaps Gloria All-Red can sniff it out!
Oy Vey
"Liberals admit they fight like pussies"
"Man Beheaded By Grotesque Monsters From Hell"
"Monsters Blow Up Kids Eating Candy"
"Democracy is Imperative in the Middle East"
What you WILL see:
"Radical Islamists and Puppies: Two Irresistable Cuties"
"How to Accessorize Your Burka"
"How to Forcibly Convert to Islam"
"Iranian Women to World: We LOVE to be Covered Up"
"Man Insults Muslim, Imprisoned for Life"
"Muslim Shoots at American Soldiers, Gets Community Service"
"Suicide Bombers' Families Sue Bush for Compensation"
"Callous 9/11 Families Demand Say in Memorial"
"Poor Muslims Under Seige, Suicide Via Bomb the Only Option"
"Insurgents Like T.V., Candy, Newsweak, kittens, RPG's"
"American Soldiers Guilty Guilty Guilty!"
"Insurgent Chic: Is Anything More Sexy?"
"Tragedy: Suicide Bomber Prematurely Explodes"
"Making Your Point By Exploding: The New Filibuster"
"Senator Reid Threatens to Blow Himself Up Over Judicial Nominees"
"Barbara Boxer Blows Herself Up Over Karl Rove"
"New York Times to Unveil New "Week in Jihad" Section"
"Iraq: Quagmire or Morass?"
"America: Decadent or Effete?"
"Is Winning a War Criminal? Many Think So"
"Can Losing a War be Good? Many Think So"
"Do Americans Have Sex With Dogs? Many Think So"
"Is the Times a Good Paper? Many Think So"
"Steinem to Muslim Women: Stop Raining on My Parade!"
"Feminists to Islamists: Keep Up the Good Work!"
"Feminists to Bush: BOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Annoying Children Exploded While Grovelling For Candy, American Soldiers to Blame"
Groupthinker
Iranian Mullahs realize theocracy untenable. Turn power over to the people.
President of Million Mom March uses personally owned handgun to defend her life. No longer thinks right of self defense a privledge only for the rich and white.
Terrorist tries to hijack plane with nail clippers. Beaten to death by old lady with a big handbag.
Ward Churchill hit on head by falling, frozen poop; no longer self-hating cracker.
(Actually quite nice now...)
Ariana Huffington closes down failed blog, Enters convent.
Hollywood will no longer remake classic movies. Seeks original ideas instead.
Senate passes bill requiring all professional athletes to take steroids. Golfers inexplicably and violently agitated.
Foxs news only 49% fair but is 51% balanced.
Dan Rather descends into bottomless pit: Red Staters not surprised.
African leaders realize that significant economic and political reform only viable solution to African Human catastrophy. Call for free and democratic elections.
Labor Unions admit to artificially inflating national cost of living. Apologize and agree to wages determined by free market demand.


Quote:
Ariana Huffington closes down failed blog, Enters convent.how about:
Arianna Huffington Confesses to Whoring for loser Gay Republican Senate Candidate in California, Admits Lack of Credibility



Elsworth Toohey
"Congressional Democrats Stated Iraq Had WMD's in 1998"
"Bush "Elected" President: Wins All Major Recounts"


http://whygrr.blogspot.com/2005/07/coul ... using.html
Well done!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Could Terrorism Actually Be Causing More Invasions?
And Other Headlines You Will Never See
BBC
LONDON - Radical Islamic clerics worry that the US may be using al-Qaeda as a recruiting tool.

NEW YORK TIMES
WASHINGTON - Senate Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) travels to Fallujah today to urge insurgents to deploy car bombs using cleaner, more eco-friendly hybrid vehicles.

Al JAZEERA
SYRIA - With US invasions up 200% since 2001, many Arab leaders now wonder if Saddam's policies were responsible for the increase in pre-emptive US military actions.

REUTERS
PAKISTAN - Madrasas were empty today as students marched upon Arab capitals chanting "Bin Laden Lied and Kids Died" while carrying signs demanding an end to violent extremism.

Le Monde
FRANCE - Parisians of all ages took the streets this Memorial Day in somber recognition of American sacrifice during the 1st and 2nd World Wars. "Thank You, America. Your fathers and grandfathers will not be forgotten," said President Jacque Chirac in an address to hundreds of thousands grateful French citizens.

ABC WORLD NEWS SERVICE
CAPETOWN - Senator Kennedy Flew to South Africa today for treatment of chronic alcoholism. Confirming speculation surrounding his departure, he spoke to reporters briefly before entering the private rehab facility. "It's time I took responsibility for my actions. It's time I sober up and begin apologizing to everyone I've hurt." Kennedy is expected to retire immediately to begin this mammoth undertaking.



Thank you for your recognition. It is truly an honor.
In the spirit of collective good, my next 5 posts will be riddled with grammatical errors, tedious, and boring. I would hate for others who are less enlightened to feel threatened by my journalistic prowess.
It's the least I can do - literally.
Peace through surveillance,
bohemianlikeyou
Mr. Topical
Distraught Sheehan Husband to Divorce, Sandblast Penis, Poke Out Eyes
Nature, Vultures Befriend Mother Sheehan, Demand Corpses
Sheehan Demands Destruction of Old Testament, Audience With Pope
Sheehan to Jews: You Killed Casey!
Mother Sheehan Defies Hygeine Police, Remains in Ditch
Crazy Hag Rants in Ditch, Media Enthralled


Scientist Reveals Shocking Data: At Least One-Third of Hurricanes are Racist.
Bush Ordered Deployment of Secret Weather-Control Device; Ensured Katrina Would Disproportionately Target Minorities.
Oil Discovered on Mars; Capitalists Plan to Build Risky Interplanetary Pipeline.
Big unEasy
Apocalypso Musician
Steel Cage Deathmatches Rage in Louisiana Thunderdome
Apocolympics Awarded to New Orleans
CNN/Money Magazine: New Orleans "Best Place to Loot 2005"
Katrina Upgraded From Hurricane to Hate Crime
Chairman Dean Declares Non-Looters Un-American
Woman Groped During Air Rescue, Files Suit
Water Moccasin


Quote:
Secret Weather-Control DeviceSounds like H.A.A.R.P.


Kommissar Betty
Quote:
Secret Weather-Control DeviceSounds like H.A.A.R.P.
which is....
?


Snake Pliskin
New Orleans Blues Afficionados Ecstatic: Now There's Something to Sing About!
Order From Chaos: New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin Appoints Head Looter
Federal Government Failing to Provide Enough to Loot, Pillage


Which Way to the Embassy?
Syrians Funding New Orleans Insurgency
Time Mag. Exclusive: Behind the Scenes With New Orleanian Freedom Fighters
Louisiana Bath Party in Shambles
Fedayeen Nagin Control Airport
Human Shields Surround Superdome
National Guard Abandons American Embassy in New Orleans
Sean Penn Reports From New Orleans: "There's Nowhere to Piss"
Hu Jintao
Bush administration to convert refugees to a cheap, efficient fuel source
Jacques Chirac annexes French Quarter, reopens brothels for personal use
Cindy Sheehan protests national guard relief efforts, blocks road to New Orleans for four days
The People's Bellhop
H.M.S. Penn
Tickle-me Landrieu

John Q. Proletariat
Kanye West joins New Orleans gang, vows to kill whitey

NYers vote for smaller government, begin to respect property rights.
Bush admits he's a socialist, openly calls for repeal of 2nd amendment.
Democratic Party begins new honesty campaign, changes name to National Socialist Democratic America Party.
Black man stubs toe in police station, Al Sharpton remains silent on the matter.
ACLU changes policy, begins living up to its name by defending individual gun rights.
Right-winger publicly opposes affirmative action, NOT labeled a Nazi by the media.
ANSWER admits to being a neo-Nazi organization, makes swastika its new official symbol, changes name to Final Solution.


Colonization Society 1817
Nip/Tuck
Renowned plastic surgeon: Nancy Pelosi's face stretched to breaking point
In-Cindy-ary
Grieving Mother Sheehan: "Civil Disobedience is freakin' hilarious; what happened to those funny-tasting brownies"
Giggling Sheehan points to her new Che tattoo, says it should get a mugshot too
komisar stoichkov
Sheehan follies
Cindy to Pope: I am bigger than Jesus
Sheehan's arresting officers develop scabies
Cindy's guilty secret: "I love a man in uniform!"
Sheehan demands star on Hollywood Boulevard
http://www.famousstar.de/star.php?text=Cindy%20Sheehan

Surrogate Mom
France sucks
"Krugman: French riots will spur economic revival"
"New York Times investigates CIA link in French riots"
"Dowd: Rioting can be a good thing"
"French riots very classy, well dressed vandals, only one death"
"Chirac states French riots overblown, just harmless youthful exuberance"
"Time mag.: Massive attempt to curb car use and global warming through burning vehicles in France"
Where's Johnny
"Chirac sets curfew for youth -- may also withhold allowances or ground rioters for a week"
"France out of Paristan!"
"Israelis condemn French overreaction to innocent Muslims, demand statehood for oppressed"


Anti-war activists erect a makeshift memorial near blast site to honor fuel depot's self sacrifice
Black cloud from London blast covers France; "What else is new," says Frenchman






Dasher and Prancer come out of closet, advocate legalizing same-sex marriage for reindeer
Comet and Blitzen refuse to serve with openly gay reindeer
Rudolph publishes auto-biography, says some reindeer still discriminate against him because of his shiny nose
North Pole shuts down after elves unionize and go on strike for warmer work environment
Scab elf receives serious beating while trying to cross picket line, requires hospitalization

Dick Cheney Exhales Greenhouse Gases
Guest
Because Hillary said so.
-Kommissar Betty


Radical college professors resolve to vilify America twice as much as last year
Mother Earth resolves to create even more devastating natural disasters in response to human environmental irresponsibility
Air America Radio resolves to expand audience by 100%, giving them two listeners
Liberal media resolves to continue impartial pursuit of "the Truth" and to redouble efforts to undermine the War on Terror
Hollywood producers resolve to remake Citizen Kane: Clooney to direct, DiCapprio to play lead role
Celebrity activists resolve to become more outspoken and further alienate themselves from mainstream America
Anti-Bush bureaucrats in government resolve to keep "leaking" classified knowledge "like a sieve"


In other news NYT praises the honesty and political integrity of maverick senator Patty Murray (D) WA, for refusing to return $40,000 in contributions connected with Abramoff. Her spokesperson explained: "The money wasn't from Abramoff, it was actually from the tribes he represented. Mr Abramoff was merely hired to give Patty the money. It wasn't actually from him."


Alito? Neato!
"NY Times: Alito's Wife's Crying Slanders Biden, Kennedy, Schumer"
"PETA: Alito Ignores Puppy Rights, Fish Suffrage"
"NY Times: Alito Biased Against Insurgents, Terrorists"
"Time Magazine: Rove Engineered Alito Wife's Breakdown"
"Cindy Sheehan Refuses to Endorse Alito"
"Racist Alito Never Orders Ethnic Food"


Anonymous
"Nagin to Former Constituents: Get Back Here Or Else"
"Nagin Demands Non-Chocolate Constituents Leave Or Change Color"
"New Orleanians Ask, "Who the Hell Elected This Idiot. . . We did? Woops . . .""
"Blanco and Nagin to Merge, Create One Jumbo Chocolatey Incompetent"


The Rock






Submissions from Hell: Satan agrees to let Goebbels and other Nazis enter Hamshahri's "Holocaust Cartoon Contest"
Ahmadinejad defends Hamshahri's contest: "Insulting The Prophet is far worse than the alleged extermination of 6 million Jews"






PittsburghProletarian
Scareport
Beijing-controlled energy company selected to manage a dozen nuclear power plants in United States



















"Okay okay, so there is some pollution coming from communists' China, India, mid-east, EU, Eastern-Europe, Far-East contributing pollution to earth, but it's all still the fault of the USA!"
Leftists and democrats will gather along US borders in efforts to rescue misguided illegal immigrants by warning them that there are no opportunities in this land that is vastly polluted by SUVs, filled with racists and homophobes, evil worker-exploiting capitalist, low-wage jobs, ruthlessly governed by "nazis and neocons", whackos who demand law, order, a belief in a higher and just power, and white people, so it is much safer to remain in their own countries.

Comrade leftists, democrats, academics, brokebutt cowboys, and jihadez to modify revolution: "Our progressive mission emphasizing re-distribution of capitalists' wealth out of the USSA will now be shifted to re-distribution of socialist-progressive- undocumented-workers and like-minded revolutionaries into the USSA ."



