ARCHIVE 2012-2016

• Schoolchildren jailed for building only white snowmen
• Obama's reckless attacks on Russia serve as recruitment tool to create more Russian hackers
• Hillary: "I lost, so I'm going to follow our democratic traditions, poison the wells, and scorch the earth"
• Children in Venezuela cook and eat their Christmas toys
• Hillary: "I can hack Russia from my bathroom"
• Hillary suggests to counter "fake news" with government newspaper called "Truth" ("Pravda" for Russian speakers)

• BREAKING: Millions of uncounted votes found on Hillary's private voting machine in her Chappaqua bathroom
• New York Times: Fidel Castro world's sexiest corpse
• After years of trial and error, CIA finally succeeds with the "waiting it out" technique on Fidel Castro

• Post-election shopping tip: look for the PoliticsFree label at your local grocer to make sure you don't buy from companies that don't want your business anymore
• In Hillary's America, email server scrubs you
• Obama transfers his Nobel Peace Prize to anti-Trump rioters
• Democrats blame Hillary's criminal e-mail server for her loss, demand it face prison

• Afraid of "dangerous" Trump presidency, protesters pre-emptively burn America down to the ground
• Clinton Foundation in foreclosure as foreign donors demand refunds
• Hillary Clinton blames YouTube video for unexpected and spontaneous voter uprising that prevented her inevitable move into the White House
• Sudden rise in sea levels explained by disproportionately large tears shed by climate scientists in the aftermath of Trump's electoral victory
• FBI director Comey delighted after receiving Nobel Prize for Speed Reading (650,000 emails in one week)
• U.N. deploys troops to American college campuses in order to combat staggeringly low rape rates
• Responding to Trump's surging poll numbers, Obama preemptively pardons himself for treason
• Following hurricane Matthew's failure to devastate Florida, activists flock to the Sunshine State and destroy Trump signs manually
• Tim Kaine takes credit for interrupting hurricane Matthew while debating weather in Florida
• Study: Many non-voters still undecided on how they're not going to vote
• The Evolution of Dissent: on November 8th the nation is to decide whether dissent will stop being racist and become sexist - or it will once again be patriotic as it was for 8 years under George W. Bush
• Venezuela solves starvation problem by making it mandatory to buy food
• Breaking: the Clinton Foundation set to investigate the FBI
• Obama captures rare Pokémon while visiting Hiroshima

• Movie news: 'The Big Friendly Giant Government' flops at box office; audiences say "It's creepy"
• Barack Obama: "If I had a son, he'd look like Micah Johnson"
• White House edits Orlando 911 transcript to say shooter pledged allegiance to NRA and Republican Party
• President George Washington: 'Redcoats do not represent British Empire; King George promotes a distorted version of British colonialism'
• Following Obama's 'Okie-Doke' speech, stock of Okie-Doke soars; NASDAQ: 'Obama best Okie-Doke salesman'
• Weaponized baby formula threatens Planned Parenthood office; ACLU demands federal investigation of Gerber
• Experts: melting Antarctic glacier could cause sale levels to rise up to 80% off select items by this weekend
• Travel advisory: airlines now offering flights to front of TSA line
• As Obama instructs his administration to get ready for presidential transition, Trump preemptively purchases 'T' keys for White House keyboards
• John Kasich self-identifies as GOP primary winner, demands access to White House bathroom
• Upcoming Trump/Kelly interview on FoxNews sponsored by 'Let's Make a Deal' and 'The Price is Right'
• News from 2017: once the evacuation of Lena Dunham and 90% of other Hollywood celebrities to Canada is confirmed, Trump resigns from presidency: "My work here is done"
• Non-presidential candidate Paul Ryan pledges not to run for president in new non-presidential non-ad campaign
• Trump suggests creating 'Muslim database'; Obama symbolically protests by shredding White House guest logs beginning 2009
• National Enquirer: John Kasich's real dad was the milkman, not mailman
• National Enquirer: Bound delegates from Colorado, Wyoming found in Ted Cruz's basement
• Iran breaks its pinky-swear promise not to support terrorism; US State Department vows rock-paper-scissors strategic response
• Women across the country cheer as racist Democrat president on $20 bill is replaced by black pro-gun Republican
• Federal Reserve solves budget crisis by writing itself a 20-trillion-dollar check
• Widows, orphans claim responsibility for Brussels airport bombing

• Che Guevara's son hopes Cuba's communism will rub off on US, proposes a long list of people the government should execute first
• Susan Sarandon: "I don't vote with my vagina." Voters in line behind her still suspicious, use hand sanitizer
• Campaign memo typo causes Hillary to court 'New Black Panties' vote
• New Hampshire votes for socialist Sanders, changes state motto to "Live FOR Free or Die"
• Martin O'Malley drops out of race after Iowa Caucus; nation shocked with revelation he has been running for president

• Statisticians: one out of three Bernie Sanders supporters is just as dumb as the other two
• Hillary campaign denies accusations of smoking-gun evidence in her emails, claims they contain only smoking-circumstantial-gun evidence

• Obama stops short of firing US Congress upon realizing the difficulty of assembling another group of such tractable yes-men
• In effort to contol wild passions for violent jihad, White House urges gun owners to keep their firearms covered in gun burkas
• TV horror live: A Charlie Brown Christmas gets shot up on air by Mohammed cartoons

• Democrats vow to burn the country down over Ted Cruz statement, 'The overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats'
• Russia's trend to sign bombs dropped on ISIS with "This is for Paris" found response in Obama administration's trend to sign American bombs with "Return to sender"

• University researchers of cultural appropriation quit upon discovery that their research is appropriation from a culture that created universities
• Archeologists discover remains of what Barack Obama has described as unprecedented, un-American, and not-who-we-are immigration screening process in Ellis Island

• Mizzou protests lead to declaring entire state a "safe space," changing Missouri motto to "The don't show me state"
• Green energy fact: if we put all green energy subsidies together in one-dollar bills and burn them, we could generate more electricity than has been produced by subsidized green energy
• State officials improve chances of healthcare payouts by replacing ObamaCare with state lottery
• NASA's new mission to search for racism, sexism, and economic inequality in deep space suffers from race, gender, and class power struggles over multibillion-dollar budget

• College progress enforcement squads issue schematic humor charts so students know if a joke may be spontaneously laughed at or if regulations require other action
• ISIS opens suicide hotline for US teens depressed by climate change and other progressive doomsday scenarios

• Virginia county to close schools after teacher asks students to write 'death to America' in Arabic
• 'Wear hijab to school day' ends with spontaneous female circumcision and stoning of a classmate during lunch break
• ISIS releases new, even more barbaric video in an effort to regain mantle from Planned Parenthood

• Impressed by Fox News stellar rating during GOP debates, CNN to use same formula on Democrat candidates asking tough, pointed questions about Republicans
• Shocking new book explores pros and cons of socialism, discovers they are same people

• Pope outraged by Planned Parenthood's "unfettered capitalism," demands equal redistribution of baby parts to each according to his need
• John Kerry accepts Iran's "Golden Taquiyya" award, requests jalapenos on the side
• Citizens of Pluto protest US government's surveillance of their planetoid and its moons with New Horizons space drone

• John Kerry proposes 3-day waiting period for all terrorist nations trying to acquire nuclear weapons
• Chicago Police trying to identify flag that caused nine murders and 53 injuries in the city this past weekend
• Cuba opens to affordable medical tourism for Americans who can't afford Obamacare deductibles

• State-funded research proves existence of Quantum Aggression Particles (Heterons) in Large Hadron Collider
• Student job opportunities: make big bucks this summer as Hillary's Ordinary-American; all expenses paid, travel, free acting lessons

• Experts debate whether Iranian negotiators broke John Kerry's leg or he did it himself to get out of negotiations
• Junior Varsity takes Ramadi, advances to quarterfinals
• US media to GOP pool of candidates: 'Knowing what we know now, would you have had anything to do with the founding of the United States?'

• NY Mayor to hold peace talks with rats, apologize for previous Mayor's cowboy diplomacy
• China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: "The inhabitants of Earth will steal your intellectual property, copy it, manufacture it in sweatshops with slave labor, and sell it back to you at ridiculously low prices"

• Progressive scientists: Truth is a variable deduced by subtracting 'what is' from 'what ought to be'
• Experts agree: Hillary Clinton best candidate to lessen percentage of Americans in top 1%
• America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith
• Starbucks new policy to talk race with customers prompts new hashtag #DontHoldUpTheLine

• Hillary: DELETE is the new RESET
• Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths

• Russia sends 'reset' button back to Hillary: 'You need it now more than we do'
• Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State
• President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise
• Police: If Obama had a convenience store, it would look like Obama Express Food Market

• Study finds stunning lack of racial, gender, and economic diversity among middle-class white males
• NASA: We're 80% sure about being 20% sure about being 17% sure about being 38% sure about 2014 being the hottest year on record

• People holding '$15 an Hour Now' posters sue Democratic party demanding raise to $15 an hour for rendered professional protesting services
• Cuba-US normalization: US tourists flock to see Cuba before it looks like the US and Cubans flock to see the US before it looks like Cuba
• White House describes attacks on Sony Pictures as 'spontaneous hacking in response to offensive video mocking Juche and its prophet'
• CIA responds to Democrat calls for transparency by releasing the director's cut of The Making Of Obama's Birth Certificate
• Obama: 'If I had a city, it would look like Ferguson'

• Biden: 'If I had a Ferguson (hic), it would look like a city'
• Obama signs executive order renaming 'looters' to 'undocumented shoppers'
• Ethicists agree: two wrongs do make a right so long as Bush did it first

• The aftermath of the 'War on Women 2014' finds a new 'Lost Generation' of disillusioned Democrat politicians, unable to cope with life out of office
• White House: Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders
• Nurse Kaci Hickox angrily tells reporters that she won't change her clocks for daylight savings time
• Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy

• Desperate Democratic candidates plead with Obama to stop backing them and instead support their GOP opponents
• Ebola Czar issues five-year plan with mandatory quotas of Ebola infections per each state based on voting preferences

• Study: crony capitalism is to the free market what the Westboro Baptist Church is to Christianity
• Fun facts about world languages: the Left has more words for statism than the Eskimos have for snow

• African countries to ban all flights from the United States because "Obama is incompetent, it scares us"
• Nobel Peace Prize controversy: Hillary not nominated despite having done even less than Obama to deserve it
• Obama: 'Ebola is the JV of viruses'
• BREAKING: Secret Service foils Secret Service plot to protect Obama

• Revised 1st Amendment: buy one speech, get the second free
• Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness
• President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser
• Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members

• White House pledges to embarrass ISIS back to the Stone Age with a barrage of fearsome Twitter messages and fatally ironic Instagram photos
• Obama to fight ISIS with new federal Terrorist Regulatory Agency

• Obama vows ISIS will never raise their flag over the eighteenth hole
• Harry Reid: "Sometimes I say the wong thing"
• Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U.S. on a bus from Central America like all the other kids
• Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution

• Obama draws "blue line" in Iraq after Putin took away his red crayon
• "Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original
• Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts

• Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks
• 100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"
• Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news
• "Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence
• Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours

• Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues

• "Free Speech Zones" confuse Obamaphone owners who roam streets in search of additional air minutes
• Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed

• Gloves finally off: Obama uses pen and phone to cancel Putin's Netflix account
• Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"
• In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea
• Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"

• Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"
• Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"
• US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"
• Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help

• The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."
• In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook
• MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia's aggression in Ukraine

• Study: springbreak is to STDs what April 15th is to accountants
• Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America
• North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"
• Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout
• Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss

• Feminist author slams gay marriage: "a man needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"
• Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
• Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
• Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle

• North Korean leader executes own uncle for talking about Obamacare at family Christmas party
• White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
• Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas

• OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
• President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
• Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"

• Bovine community outraged by flatulence coming from Washington DC
• Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
• Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week

• Server problems at HealthCare.gov so bad, it now flashes 'Error 808' message
• NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
• Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough

• The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"

• Dizzy with success, Obama renames his wildly popular healthcare mandate to HillaryCare
• Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
• Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
• Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy

• GOVERNMENT WARNING: If you were able to complete ObamaCare form online, it wasn't a legitimate gov't website; you should report online fraud and change all your passwords
• Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
• Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
• Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"

• DNC launches 'Carlos Danger' action figure; proceeds to fund a charity helping survivors of the Republican War on Women
• Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
• Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
• Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'

• FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
• Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
• GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'

• Obama: 'If I had a son... no, wait, my daughter can now marry a woman!'
• Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
• News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota

• Susan Rice: IRS actions against tea parties caused by anti-tax YouTube video that was insulting to their faith
• Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
• Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment

• White House: top Obama officials using secret email accounts a result of bad IT advice to avoid spam mail from Nigeria
• Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
• Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins

• Gosnell's office in Benghazi raided by the IRS: mainstream media's worst cover-up challenge to date
• IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history

• After Arlington Cemetery rejects offer to bury Boston bomber, Westboro Babtist Church steps up with premium front lawn plot
• Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
• Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program

• US Media: Can Pope Francis possibly clear up Vatican bureaucracy and banking without blaming the previous administration?
• Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
• This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester

• White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
• Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
• Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
• Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition

• Oscars 2013: Michelle Obama announces long-awaited merger of Hollywood and the State
• Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
• Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'

• Kremlin puts out warning not to photoshop Putin riding meteor unless bare-chested
• Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
• Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
• Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
• Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
• Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
• Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
• Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
• Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'

• White House releases new exciting photos of Obama standing, sitting, looking thoughtful, and even breathing in and out
• New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
• White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
• To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead

• State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
• Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward

• President issues executive orders banning cliffs, ceilings, obstructions, statistics, and other notions that prevent us from moving forwards and upward
• Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
• World ends; S&P soars
• Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood

• Meek inherit Earth, can't afford estate taxes
• Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
• Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013

• Bigfoot found in Ohio, mysteriously not voting for Obama
• As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
• Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves

1. Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium
2. Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
3. Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs

• Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet
• Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
• Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
• Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years

• Obama attends church service, worships self

• Obama proposes national 'Win The Future' lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov't spending

• Historical revisionists: "Hey, you never know"
• Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
• Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
• Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness

• Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears
• Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
• Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
• Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'

• Obama's teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: "Too few words"
• Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't

• Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost

• Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space

• Republicans block Obama's $420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck
• White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
• Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
• Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"

• Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere
• Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"

• Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college
• Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
• Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
• Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'

• Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome
• People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
• Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"

• Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans
• Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
• Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond

• Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics
• Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
• Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
• Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party

• Obama to Evangelicals: Jesus saves, I just spend
• May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
• Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
• Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
• Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich

• Historians: Before HOPE & CHANGE there was HEMP & CHOOM at ten bucks a bag
• Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
• Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory

• Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off

• Obama Administration running food stamps across the border with Mexico in an operation code-named "Fat And Furious"

• Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed
• White House: "Let them eat statistics"
• Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama

ARCHIVE 2010-2012

• Taliban revise burka policy after realizing uncovered women can do more damage to US military than suicide bombers
• China's Peoples Daily launches attack on New York Times in what State Dept classifies as "friendly fire" incident
• Democrats seek experienced Somali pirates to launch "Pirate the Vote" campaign in battleground states

• Ohio elections: Obama promotes Somali pirate participation with promise of pre-paid propaganda parrot with each swiped ballot
• Children blame their parents in pro-Obama music video produced by the Menendez brothers
• Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
• As hurricane Sandy remains undecided about where to make landfall, Frank Luntz books her for next focus group

• Obama apologizes to Muslim community for foiled Federal Reserve bomb plot, blames despicable Capital One credit card commercial, promises to arrest Alec Baldwin
• Americans prepare for obnoxious Thanksgiving relatives by watching reruns of Biden/Ryan debate
• Obamacare experts promise that hospital patients will soon be able to see Alren Specter's head get attached to Joe Biden's body

• Republican War Machine sent one of Romney clones to Debate Obama

• Obama: "Let them eat statistics"
• Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed
• Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
• Obama to Middle East flag burners: "You didn't burn that, somebody else made that happen"

• FBI's billion dollar facial recognition software malfunctions after scan of Nancy Pelosi's face

• Hurricane Isaac: a preview of things to come if Republicans go through with their plan to deregulate weather
• Obama declares Tampa a Federal Disaster Zone; DHS relocates Romney, Ryan to FEMA-approved refugee facilities

• Obama to Evangelicals: Jesus saves, I just spend

• Troubled Harry Reid again arrested for DWI, resisting arrest while naked
• Obama and Democrats alienate yet another loyal voter bloc: Necro-Americans

• Unregulated Americans rampage and pillage following regulatory Czar Cass Sunstein's resignation
• Team USA beats Nigeria by 83 points after receiving email from Nigerian prince offering 3 gold medals each if they send him theirs first

• Tropical storm Ernesto: countdown begins to MSNBC exalting it as "Hurricane Che"
• Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
• Witness: "The line at Chick-fil-A was so long, I thought Obamcare had already been implemented."
• GM profits plunge 41%; CEO to make desperate statement in favor of traditional marriage
• Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff of it

• Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas) sponsors House Resolution to have Mercury (Hg) removed from Periodic Chart as a means of fighting pollution, global warming
• Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics
• Media to refer to gold medal winners as one-percenters
• John Kerry: "Send back those medals - it's the only fair thing to do!"

• Obama apologizes for U.S. Olympic success: "They didn't win that."
• Olympic Committee to withdraw medals from non-unionized athletes, give them to deserving Public Employee Union members
• Study: If water boarding were a sexual preference it would be part of public school curriculum
• Obama Administration reportedly runs food stamps across the border with Mexico in an operation code-named "Fat And Furious"

• Experts: Communism is to Socialism, what Bud is to Bud Light
• Did you know? Dead plants and animals are an environmental tragedy; dead border patrol agents are just a statistic
• Report: Obama too half-white to address half of NAACP delegation
• Latest figures reveal Obama leading Romney, 117 to 55, in using first-person pronouns "I" and "me" in speeches

• Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
• Experts have little hope for Venezuela surviving late-stage metastasized Chavez
• In addition to giving your wedding gifts to Obama, you can now also write Obama into your will, family trust, or grant him power of attorney over your estate - all through innovative online service at Legalchoom.gov/grift
• Obama re-election campaign announces Independence Day fire sale of "old-fashioned White House junk"

• Proof of "God particle" found; ACLU files suit against astrophysicists
• Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
• "How to Impeach a Supreme Court Justice" debuts at #1 on New York Times bestseller list
• Justice Scalia: "Hitting refresh on Drudge Report isn't going to make wording of healthcare decision any different"
• FACT: The tingle that crawled up Chris Matthews´ leg has taken control of his brain and is reporting a full preparedness to take over the world.Get Random Obama for your siteObama Admin launches new series, Game Of Drones
• MSNBC: Rodney King dies as a result of wounds sustained in 1991 police beating
• White House: Manufacturing millions "I Heart Gringos" welcoming guest worker uniforms will save or create enough jobs to compensate for the 800,000 taken away by new arrivals

• Catching up with President Kardashian, Joe Biden changes name to Hilton, uploads sex video
• Jay Carney: Nat'l security leaks are proof that President is fulfilling promise of most open and transparent administration ever
• Canadian Cannibal admits to being influenced by Occupy Wall Street chant 'Eat the Rich'

• Mostly peaceful dems on Twitter mostly peacefully declare they want to mostly peacefully kill Governor Walker
• Walker wins; two MSNBC hosts commit suicide live on air
• Obama: 'As soon as Bush walked back into the White House, unemployment went up'
• Bloomberg to restrict children's access to Food Network in NYC metro area; shows with high-calory content to air after 8pm

• Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
• White House confirms Obama has daughters and spoke of 'sons' merely out of gender-blindness: 'We all know that sexual organs are a discriminatory social construct that must be deconstructed'

• Historians: Before HOPE & CHANGE there was HEMP & CHOOM at ten bucks a bag
• Study: Obama doesn't like "fat cats" because he is a "dog person"
• Dems claim their attacks on Haley, Palin, Ann Romney are not "War on Conservative Women," but rather "Domestic Feminist Contingency Operation"

• Biden launches his 2012 campaign to get thrown off ticket by blaming Tea Party for bad economy
• Obama to Cory Booker: a mind is a terrible thing to use
• Summer dead; Gore blames climate change
• In attempt to recover $2 billion loss, JP Morgan Chase renames itself Chasebook

• Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
• As election campaign heats up, Obama promises students to forgive their sins
• Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
• Democrat geneologists: every time you drop litter on highway, Elizabeth Warren sheds a single tear

• Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans
• Michelle: My stick is bigger than Barack's
• Breaking news: one year later, Bin Laden still dead
• Obama in Afghanistan: American chicken is going home to roost

• Elizabeth Warren claims kinship to Sitting Bull; receives Indian name of Lying Cow
• Obama: Killing one terrorist is a triumph, killing millions of jobs is a statistic
• May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above

• Study: North Korean Army threats as credible as White House news briefings
• Obama to Congress: my government, my business
• WH news briefing cut short after Jay Carney's pants spontaneously self-combust
• Catholic Bishops order supersize confession booth for James Carney

• Romney campaign requests Obama's fourth-grade book report on World of Dogs; Obama says, 'I ate it'
• Insulted by Romney's accusation of them doing Obama's bidding, enraged media demand immediate instructions from White House on how to respond
• Hillary in Colombian bar: Read my hips!
• Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'

• Obama: If I had a mother, she'd look like Trayvon Martin's
• Study: Ozzie Guillen's beatdown by U.S. media not as bad as beatdown in Cuban prison for speaking out
• Olbermann: "They fired me for wearing a hoodie!"
• Cheney gets new heart; nation also hopeful that Biden gets brain, Obama courage, and House drops on Pelosi
• Trayvor Martin shooting causes fear of backlash among Latinos with old-Jewish-guy names

• In effort to escape vigilante justice, George Zimmerman changes name to George Dylan
• Larry Sinclair: : If I had a son, he'd look like Barack Obama
• Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off
• To raise awareness about how unattractive respiratory disorders can be, Obama's FDA bans over-the-counter sales of asthma inhalers

• Turning disaster into success, Disney renames failing "John Carter" movie to "John Reagan"
• Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
• Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
• UN: Iron Dome system in Israel too successful, may cause humanitarian crisis as desperate Gaza officials are forced to divert funds from education and healthcare in order to compensate for destroyed missiles

• People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
• Whitney Houston and Elvis seen at Obama fundraiser
• Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome

• Battle of the Fluke: Dept. of Health and Human Services jumps into the fray by changing emblem from "Eagle of Soaring Prices" to "Woodpecker of Reproductive Justice"
• Dept. of Energy certifies Georgetown Law School sex drive as clean energy source, adds to number of green jobs created
• Limbaugh controversy prompts Atlantic City casinos to preemptively shut down wildly popular Sandra Fluke slot machines

• Democrats push for a death tax on aborted fetuses, to be paid for by insurance companies

• Third-grader forced to apologize to Sandra Fluke for telling classmate, "Yo mama went to Georgetown Law School"
• Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'

• Putin's post-election tears sold for five million dollars on eBay, rumored to have magical and political powers; buyer identified by initials B.O.

• Rush Limbaugh apologizes for criticizing Sandra Fluke's reproductive hobbies, sends her complimentary condoms and a video camera
• Obama: I don't want anyone punished with a birth certificate
• Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
• Supportive Americans send Sandra Fluke thousands of contraceptives in hopes she'll never reproduce

• Georgetown Law School students set to receive scholarships from Crate'O'Condoms manufacturer Johnson & Johnson
• Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college
• Rescue team recovers Obama's birth certificate ten miles away from tornado path

• Supporting Obama's Pond Scum Initiative, US Rep. Waters changes her name to Maxine "Stagnant" Waters
• US commander in Afghanistan attempts to quell rioters by burning the American equivalent of the Koran - a year's subscription of 'Goosebumps'
• Colorado school board: Islamic harassment of choir student not in violation of DOE guidelines on death threats

• Obama refutes charges of being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
• Maya Angelou: "Whitney's dead, Santorum did it, Romney gave the gun, and Gingrich hid it"
• Larry Flint: Santorum aspirin position in poor taste and beyond the pale

• Israel invades Iranian air space to drop thousands of Fallout Shelter Manuals in Farsi
• Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere

• Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
• Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
• Nation grateful to Madonna for promise to keep clothes on at Super Bowl

• Trump endorses self, calls self to congratulate
• Pelosi backs merger of Girl Scouts with Planned Parenthood: 'Who's NOT planning to be a parent at 12 these days?'
• Groundhog Day news: Punxsutawney Phil doesn't see Obama's shadow
• Obama's critics respond to Newsweek cover by publishing 'Defeating Obama for Dummies'

• ACLU flooded with questions from donors: 'how and who to pray to in order to have Tim Tebow smitten?'
• North Pole shuts down as elves unionize, demand warmer work environment
• Comet and Blitzen refuse to serve with openly gay Dasher and Prancer

• Rudolph publishes auto-biography, says shiny nose still cause for discrimination
• Santa's sleigh grounded: PETA files animal cruelty suit against jolly old St. Nick
• Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday
• Adults to Occupiers: there is no socialist Santa Claus; OWS protesters vow to continue demanding free chocolate cookies and milk

• EPA to collect carbon tax on coal left in naughty childrens' stockings this Christmas
• Carney: new tax on Christians to help improve Christ's image via NEA grants
• Obama: this isn't Christmas tax, it's Jizya
• Mainstream media exposes Cain's radical ties to Koch-funded abolitionist movement
• Dems compromise with Cain, only 10 lashes if he returns to plantation now
• White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
• NY Daily News poll asking New Yorkers about Wall Street protesters uncovers glitch in People's Math: 79% want to see 99% kicked out

• Democrats to Wall Street Occupiers: We're with you, but please don't harass our biggest donors!
• Iran 'will pay a price' for assassination plot: Obama will not bow to Ahmadinejad for minimum of 90 days

• Gov't blocks AT&T/T-MOBILE merger, cites "insufficient 2012 campaign donations"
• Paul Krugman predicts stimulus package named "Irene" will improve economy this weekend
• Republicans block Obama's $420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck

• Opposition wrongfully labels as "vacation" President's plan to join toiling workers in cranberry bogs of Martha's Vineyard
• Carney calls Obama vacation 'stimulative,' estimates it will create 4 million jobs
• Unemployment promises not to rise until after Obama's vacation
• Gorbachev to Obama: 'I too should have abandoned the Communist party earlier'
• Obama tours states in long black bus; Biden to follow in short bus

• Gaddafi petitions UN to support London rebels, demands resignation of British Prime Minister
• Six Flags opens new roller coaster called The Dow Jones
• Obama blames Thomas Jefferson for current economic woes; Biden says it's King George's fault
• Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space
• President to interrupt his schedule, go on apology tour to Bible Belt, bow before local Church leaders
• Media: Why do Christians hate us?

• U.S. Board of Education institutes "Christian for a Day" program in public schools, considers celebrating Christmas
• Ridley Scott to remake Kingdom of Heaven, this time portraying Crusaders as a peaceful, moderate group
• Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
• Progressive dream comes true: Nordic-looking Christian male commits act of terror
• Racist NY Times quick to blame Muslims for Norway attack
• Experts: new media standard dawns as headlines rush to describe race, color, and religion of Norwegian shooter
• Los Angeles: bicyclists replace Prius owners as smuggest commuters

• Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
• Summer fun looks up! June jobs numbers up from 18,000 new jobs to loss of 26,000 jobs
• DNC eyes Romney as possible nominee for 2012
• Nancy Grace on Casey Anthony verdict: "Somewhere out there, the devil is dancing tonight." Devil to Nancy: "I haven't danced since Roe v Wade"

• Obama's teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: "Too few words"
• White House admits to falling behind schedule in finding new populist, vapid 2012 reelection slogan
• State Department: We're not bombing in Libya; we're only dropping unsolicited instant demolition devices
• Obama to Congress: "Unlike me, you're always on vacation. That's what you are but what am I?"

• Obama: "We can't cut our way to prosperity, but we sure can spend our way to oblivion
• NY approves gay marriage; any moment now straight people expected to take to streets in hissy fit protest, demanding courts to overturn
• White House cuts government waste by consolidating all Federal websites into one easy-to-use 'Obama-For-America-2012' website

• Obama: 'The American private sector must lead the recovery! That's an order - I just signed it'
• Huntsman Who: 'I-m like Reagan - a very, very efficient policy-wonk collectivist technocrat'
• Pelosi reverses stance, vows to go hard on Weiner

• Study: 60% of New York voters believe that Rep. Weiner had penis planted on him by Republican operatives
• Tired of jokes about his name, Rep. Weiner (D) changes it to Whinner
• Activists against voter ID discovered to be teens in elaborate scheme to avoid being carded at area nightclub
• Harry Reid: 'We believe in a living breathing budget that evolves as society changes - today, tomorrow, the next minute, the next election'

• Obama Administration demands secrecy in implementing 'transparent government' policy
• Foreign policy mixup leads to Obama's order that helps US
• Global happiness index compiled by Peoples Cube researchers shows ThePeoplesCube.com is best and happiest website, has healthiest babies, most bountiful beet harvests, enjoys wisest leader

• Babies 'R' Us launches in-crib air traffic controller monitor to put little ones off to sleep
• Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
• Ken Burns' DVD "The Domestic Contingency Operation" #1 on Amazon
• As French troops close in on Côte d'Ivoire's President, Code Pink condemns France's 'War for Chocolate'

• Seattle school renames Easter eggs 'Spring Spheres'; also renames Passover 'Please don't kill the first born in this house,' and Ramadam to 'Eat after dark, put on 20lbs'
• Government shutdown averted, which means the hard-working unionized masses at the IRS will continue, without interruption, to write letters kindly asking citizens to "pay their fair share"
• Media Matters reporting: Fox News to execute Glenn Beck next Tuesday
• Conde Nast gave $8m to scammer who sent one email; elsewhere, electorate gave four years to scammer who had one slogan

• Obama 2012: It's a Kinetic Voter Action, not a reelection campaign
• As Japanese workers stuff newspapers into nuclear reactor to stop toxic leakage, questions arise if stuffing nuclear reactor into New York Times might bring similar beneficial results
• Jihadists Without Borders rush to aid Libyian rebels
• Obama skips trip to Mayan ruins, returns home to visit ruins of America instead

• Apple unveils iPad 2.0; Obama unveils Bush 2.0
• Biden: US troops in Libya could help save or create thousands of civilian lives
• Maintaining two wars while starting a third proves easy for Nobel Peace Prize winner Obama
• Mainstream media learns to stop worrying and love the war
• NYT: Sometimes war can be the answer

• NPR: War with Libya to reduce unemployment and carbon footprint
• MSNBC: Counting civilian deaths in Libya too complicated
• Obama suggests No-Fly Zone in Libya be modeled on his No-Decision Zone at White House
• Nuke workers in Japan take advice from progressives, jam huge piece of regulation into reactor to cool it

• Obama to Japanese people: 'Play golf and basketball; problems will go away'
• Obama buys fiddle, heads to Rome
• Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
• Hawaii: Tsunami washes away Obama's birth certficate, forcing Gov. Abercrombie to give up on investigation
• Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke

• Libya became the first country to formally recognize rebels' authority in the state of Wisconsin
• Meanwhile, Libyan rebels are fleeing after sustained attacks by government employees loyal to Colonel Gaddafi
• Rumors of 'rape for food' treatment spread in UN refugee camps for Democrat senators fleeing Wisconsin
• Mainstream media to keep up current protest coverage policy in Wisconsin: "See no Union, hear no Union"

• Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
• Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
• Obama prayer breakfast features environmentally conscious and progressive god, as opposed to evil oppressor god of Bush years
• Joe Biden: Egypt protests just a big pyramid scheme
• Churchill: We will fight them on the beaches; Reagan: Tear down this wall; Obama: Follow me on twitter

• Facebook sponsorship of Arab revolutions questioned by some
• Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
• Historical revisionists: "Hey, you never know"
• Obama proposes national 'Win The Future' lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov't spending
• Communist leader and Hu Jintau give joint White House press conference
• Abortion horror in Philly: pro-choice activists need to tone down rhetoric

• NARAL releases photo of Palin graphic with cross hairs over fetus
• China's president calls international currency 'product of the past', wishes to use shiny clam shells
• Detroit public schools focus on Green education as students harvest materials from abandoned school buildings to finance Teachers Union benefits
• Obama eases Cuba travel: 30 refugees per raft instead of previous 20

• Al Sharpton voices concern in the aftermath of New York City blizzard: disproportionate amount of city snowmen are white
• New federal entitlement unveiled: all memorials to have Yaqui pray reader
• New Democrat plan to enhance civility requires all GOP members to attend professionally managed Republicans Anonymous sessions

• MSNBC: Congresswoman being shot in right side of head a proof that violence comes from the right
• DHS 'see something, say something' program scrapped due to overload of whistle-blowing tips about DHS and the Obama administration
• "No Labels" movement hits supermarkets with disastrous results
• Comet and Blitzen refuse to serve with openly gay Dasher and Prancer
• ACLU: Christmas tree lighting ceremonies create more terrorists

• Obama leaving press conference marks beginning of gradual withdrawal from White House by 2012
• Al Qaeda establishes 'Off with their heads' scholarship fund for British students
• Jeremiah Wright goes to Stockholm with a sermon 'Sweden's chickens are coming home to roost'

• Obama warns Sweden not to jump to conclusions: 'not all suicide bombers are terrorists'
• Muslim woman guilty of drunk driving won't remove scarf for jail photo

• New York Times sues Wikileaks for unauthorized release of its business model: "We're the ones stealing military secrets!"
• Democrat voters frustrated over Wikileaks failure to implicate Bush in stealing Iraqi oil
• White House considers launching a Wikidiaper website
• Gibbs: basketball game in which Obama split his lip was started by Bush
• Obama names his 12 lip stitches "Mark, Luke, John, Matthew, Paul, Peter..."

• Newest TSA slogan "Smell my finger" turns out to be an inside joke
• North Korea attacks; American peace groups quickly react by not organizing antiwar marches, not burning DPRK flags, not painting Hitler mustache on effigies of Kim Jung Il, and not chanting "peace now"
• Hollywood refuses to brand Kim Jung Il war monger and lying liar, sends Oliver Stone on fact-finding mission
• Study: a Google search for body count website listing civilian deaths in Korea brought no results

• Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
• Irish economy in a shambles but who cares; St Patrick's day is only 4 months away
• Obama to cut Medicare as soon as debt panel finds a way to blame it on Republicans

• Aging Democratic Party Politburo refuses to give way to younger apparatchiks
• Soros escape pod seen over Los Angeles; clueless Pentagon denies 'action by U.S. adversary,' searches ocean bed for hatches and trap doors
• Just in: fall of USSR result of not speaking to people effectively, teleprompters not having been invented yet

• Obama to America: "Mumbai is awesome! Wish you were here. Wire money"
• Obama's final appeal to voters: Have the courage and integrity to rubber stamp my rubber stamps!
• Obama distances from himself in Charlottesville to woo Virginia voters
• Juan Williams hired by Fox News to represent liberals; show titled You've seen Juan, you've seen 'em all

• Google expands maps and street views to include Google Colonoscopy: zero in on target and get detailed view with few clicks of mouse. New program supported by several gov't agencies, most notably IRS
• New polling indicates American voters no longer want change, they just want their money back

• Democrats launch "Take Our Jobs" campaign as only seven Americans agreed to vote for them

• Obama ends war, blames Iraq car explosions on faulty non-union manufactured spare parts
• Democrats pull troops out of Iraq to fight the 'real war' on Christine O' Donnell
• In effort to appeal to NOW feminists, Christine O'Donnell changes name to Rosie, gains 400lbs
• Obama goes to church, worships self
• Study: Obama's threat to butn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
• GOP: a Rove by any other name still smells the same
• Imam Rauf finds a peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
• New Yorkers to Rauf: 'move mosque to Mecca; Ground Zero at location can be arranged'
• Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet
• General Petraeus: non-halal meals, uncovered female Americans endanger U.S. troops

• U.S. forces in Afghanistan brace for backlash after President's message on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kipur
• Cardboard cutouts used to fill empty seats for Obama's appearance as Obama takes credit for creating jobs in cardboard-cutout sector
• Taliban commanders warn that a plan to build Ground Zero mosque could provoke violence against their troops and operatives overseas
• MSNBC suggests Florida church burn Bible instead of Koran; fewer pages mean smaller carbon footprint

• New York Neighbors for American Values offer to voluntarily behead themselves to prove tolerance to Muslims; rabbi Arthur Waskow offers to self-incinerate in oven instead
• The U.N. posthumously awards all French military personal that served during May of 1940 a medal for Courageous Restraint
• White House revises policy to announce when President is at work instead of announcing when he is going on vacation

• Seattle: sonic booms of fighter jets shatter glass, stimulate economy
• Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
• White House: Spanish vacation saved or created 3,427 jobs
• Pelosi issues recall of House, citing electoral safety concerns

• Obama's lack of cojones a bold-face lie: proof

• Elton John Working On Anti-Obama Musical
• Congress ceases Pentagon spending, outsources armed forces to China
• Shirley Sherrod accepts apology, gets new gov't job in End of Life Counseling
• On first visit as Britain's PM, David Cameron chooses a communist state, seeks détente
• Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
• GOP challengers promise post-racial presidency after 2012

• Doctors: Glenn Beck's worsening eyesight and inability to focus give hope he may yet join other media and follow Obama
• Parachuting donkey lands into Vice President's desk, continues business as usual
• Obama calls on radical groups to comply with rules for radicals
• NAACP condemns racism within al Qaeda: 'We don't have a problem with radicals, we have an issue with their acceptance of white Arab supremacists into their organizations'

• Obama denies al-Qaeda stimulus money, redirects funds to 'less racist' man-made disaster management organizations
• In view of lasting heat wave, all weather forecasts are temporarily replaced with 'An Inconvenient Truth' infomercials
• NAACP strongly denounces The New Black Panthers

• Caught in another hateful rant, Mel Gibson apologizes to representatives of hurt communities: Russian mail-order bride community, silicone breast-implant community, slutty clothes designer community, Vegas whore community, rapist community, and personally to Al Sharpton
• Europe: Oracle Octopus predicts World Cup winner;
• USA: Oracle Dodo predicts economic growth
• Today's box office: LeBron knixes New York in a suspense thriller The Field of Nightmares (Tax Them and They Won't Come)

• In a last-ditch effort to get popular with Americans, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan reveals she's a Russian spy, photoshops her face on Anna Chapman's nude photos, wins by a landslide
• Portland Tribune to receive Pulitzer Prize for best investigative non-reporting of Al Gore's sexual public service blooper
• War on Arizona turns to quagmire; Obama sets timetable on American withdrawal by 2011

• MSNBC: Obama's firing McChrystal a positive move to bring long-awaited improvement in oil-spill-affected news coverage
• Harry Reid changes name to John F Kennedy in last ditch effort to win re-election
• White House spokesman Gibbs clarifies why President's answers to nation's problems seem surreal, bizarre and inappropriate, by comparing reporter's question to a purple polka-dotted people-eater riding a tricycle
• Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium

• President taps Pay Czar for BP payouts to victims: Unions order freighter of champagne
• EPA: New climate bill will cost less than a postage stamp a day to those still able to afford a postage stamp
• Helen Thomas Gets "Rachel Corrie Golden Bulldozer Award"
• Puzzled media: Apparently, Al Gore is pro-drill

• Gay Pride parade in Gaza cancels inclusion of Israeli group
• Obama blames Bush for screwing up his 'Don't Make Excuses' grad speech in Kalamazoo, Michigan
• Helen Thomas to leave US for ancestral Lebanon to no longer be occupier of La Raza's Land
• Following phrase scheduled to appear on every Sunday morning news show: 'What Helen actually ment to say was...'

• Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
• Obama's Deficit Reduction Commission operating in the red
• Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears
• Democrats introduce bill regulating who can be a politician
• BP hires Gaza flotilla peace activists to beat oil back into hole

2007-2009

• Obama adopts White House mole, names him 'Guaca' in honor of Mexican president
• Blumenthal injured by swiftboating, earns Purple Heart
• Spurred by Arizona immigration controversy, Obama Administration moves to secure the border with Canada

• We are all greeks now!Angry drug smugglers and human traffickers become latest group to boycott Arizona over immigration law
• CNN: Failed Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad had links to Pakistani Tea Party movement

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• President to remove oil slick with effective Toxic Accident Leak Kleaner (TALK), which is cheap and easily spreadable with mass media applicators
• Loophole preemptively shuts down three branches of government, coinciding with Obama preemptively shutting down oil production
• SEC researchers watch porn, discover ways to self-stimulate economy
• Federal gov't sets stage to bail out federal gov't

• Obama reaches out to Tea Parties, incorporates their ideas of limited gov't in new multi-trillion dollar stimulus package
• Focus group: tanning salon tax disproportionately targets white people
• Fidel Castro endorses Joe Biden's comment on passing healthcare reform
• Pelosi: Voting one by one is so 18th century

• Healthcare summit: Obama reveals he is bipartisan-curious
• The new battle cry of Massachusetts: The turncoats are coming!
• Crouching Tiger, Slouching Press
• Deniers drop tons of foot powder on Washington to emulate snow blizzard during hottest Global Warming winter on record
• Radical anti- American leader blames US for Global Warming

• Obama's SOTU changes the meaning of "cultivate" to "cultiveight": build up a perception that the current woes are the result of the previous eight years
• O's first year in office: 2 million jobs saved, 76 major natural disasters prevented
• Dead-Americans claim voter fraud in Massachusetts: cemeteries denied access to polling places, Senator Kennedy demands recount

• Defeated in Mass elections, Obama warns against getting a ride from anyone in Kennedy's seat

• Mayor Nagin sends 200 school buses to Haiti; Gov. Blanco appointed to oversee construction of Superdome
• Closer inspection of Kennedy Seat revealed it's an old car seat with water damage
• Unusually cold winter causes liberals to keep hands in OWN pockets

• Obama's DHS: Detroit attack 'wardrobe malfunction'
• Air Force deploys eavesdropping spy plane codenamed 'Jewish mother'
• Seven more women claim to have had lip exchanges with St. Nick underneath mistletoe
• Mrs. Claus found standing over bleeding hubby next to wrecked sleigh, holding nutcracker
• North Pole shuts down as elves unionize, demand warmer work environment
• Time editors still undecided who to select as 'Barack of the Year' in 2009
• Obama revolutionizes war: 'leaving' is the new 'victory'
• ACORN to change name to CHESTNUT; meaning of new acronym still being debated
• Obama's new autobiography tentatively titled Going Rouge
• Antartica's Ross Island Detainment Center (RID-C) receives first batch of climate-change skeptics
• Obama saves big on high cost of turkey for the troops by delaying Afghan surge until after Thanksgiving
• Retailers begin annual cash- in on Christian holiday they refuse to mention by name
• Christmas & Healthcare Reform season classic:
• It's a Wonderful Death!
• NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
• Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
• Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones

• Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
• Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
• Police trained in using end of life counseling techniques to negotiate suicide threats
• Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
• Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
• Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention

• Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
• Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
• Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
• Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
• Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists

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• Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
• Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
• Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
• Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom

• Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
• Saudis: the word 'assassination' will never be the same
• Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
• Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
• Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
• Mahmoud's Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won't last long

• Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
• Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
• Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back of bus
• Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
• Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
• 'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
• Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
• Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
• Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
• Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw
• White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
• Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union Label
• Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge

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• Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
• ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
• Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
• Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased

• Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
• Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
• On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
• Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
• Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
• Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
• Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
• Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
• Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
• Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
• Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life

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• Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
• ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
• Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
• DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
• CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
• Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
• White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
• Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
• Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
• In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
• Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
• Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
• Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
• Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind
• Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"

• Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
• Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
• Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
• Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
• Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
• Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!

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• Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
• Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
• Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
• DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberry
• Dow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
• WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents use

• DHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
• Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
• Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
• Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
• Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"
• Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"

Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube



Obama gives Queen a shovel





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• Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism
• Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism
• NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
• Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don't leave home without it'
• Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans'
• After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape

• Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh
• Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend
• Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside
• Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes"
• Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest
• Seven Obama cousins found living in voting booth

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• Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
• Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice
• Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge
• Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans
• Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge

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• Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
• No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention
• Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies
• MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush'
• Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.'
• More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers
• Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama

• Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20
• Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America
• You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy
• Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK.
• Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers
• Somali pirates hijack international space station
• Laika the Space Dog considered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers"
• CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide

• US choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria
• US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we'll be a Peace Keeping force
• Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check!
• Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
• FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud

• Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan'

• Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber
• Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them
• World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you'
• Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail'
• Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crash
• Dead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN

• Biden calls taxes patriotic
• Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter
• Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
• Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine"
• Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby

• Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter"
• Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart
• Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked
• Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan

• Obama beats Hillary to oveted CPUSA endorsement
• February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so."
• Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag
• US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph
• Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score
• Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected
• Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals
• International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes
• Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years
• NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq
• Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia
• Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached
• Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge
• Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it.
• Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day

• Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures
• Grand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt
• Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans?
• CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company
• Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
• Word of the day:
• HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to Hussein
• How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb?
• Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problem
• Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest
• Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake
• Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew'
• NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station
• Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination
• Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media
• Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans'

• Hillary supporters organize against Obama
• Obama: we have always been at peace with Hillary Clinton

• Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
• Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead
• Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up
• New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar
• As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved
• Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket
• Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it
• International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma
• Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
• North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria

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• Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
• Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children!
• Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools
• Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich
• Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise
• Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich

• Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope
• Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners
• Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change
• Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday
• Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush

• Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
• Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course
• Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally
• Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare
• Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy
• Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month
• NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes
• Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes"
• Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment
• Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person"
• LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead
• USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller

• Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland"

• Reid: The war on fire is lost
• MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home
• Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire
• Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia
• Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California
• NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires

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• USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp
• Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity
• Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote
• London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard
• To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam

• Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself
• Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves
• Sheryl Crow to wipe out Global Warming one butt at a time
• Va Tech lessons for MSM: ban guns, rich kids
• New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey
• NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama

High school Meth teacher starts new class



Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed?

• Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General
• Brokeback Mountain loses climber
• KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next'
• NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp
• Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!'
• Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"
• Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists"
• Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely
• Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling
• Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial

• Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission
• Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg
• Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint
• John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement

• NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on Mars
• Las Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers
• Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib
• Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak

• Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign
• Holy Mitt!
• Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000%
• "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway
• Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate
• Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes
• "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad

• Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive
• New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline.
• Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless-transgendered-vegan disabled-obese- Kartina-victim as a sidekick
• Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish'
• NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others

• Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics
• Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!"
• Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants
• Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart
• Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program

• Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month
• First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle
• Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead
• William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package
• Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis

• Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough
• Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress
• Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news"
• US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November
• Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit.
• Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!"
• Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability
• San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault
• Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore
• Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far.

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• 
  New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
• CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground"

• Democrats unveil 2008 presidential campaign slogan: "Death to America"
• Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark
• End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France
• Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him
• Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes

• Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming
• To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama
• George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam
• Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers
• John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care
• Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't kill
• Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense
• "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues

• Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly
• Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases
• New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system
• Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's death
• Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison
• China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists
• Al Gore to recall the Internet

Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry

• Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
• London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings
• Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos"
• Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"
• Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
• Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric
• Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it?
• MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
• US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in Iraq
• Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page
• US Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for?
• Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain"
• Paris Hilton gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant
• French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results
• Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture
• ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists'
• Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops
• As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem"

• House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED
• Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey
• Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket
• Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory
• Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision
• Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!"
• Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues
• Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries
• Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards
• Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again?
• North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright
• Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission
• 2006-2007Google merges with ChiCom, bans People's Cube, changes name to "Gulagoogle"
• Google's air strike destroys the People's Cube penis enlargement factory in Nigeria
• Google investigation links the People's Cube to Viagra proliferation
• Google's Matt Cutts: The People's Cube's hidden keywords cause Global Warming, terrorism
• Google Über Alles! sing along version(turn on your speakers)
• Google: information is like coffee and we're the filter
• Cheney invites Ahmadinejad on quail hunting trip
• Gay Film Awards Ceremony canceled due to overlapping schedule with the Oscars
• Supreme Court sends military recruiters back on campus; Marxist recruiters sue over unfair competition
• ACLU: high school stamp collectors are racists
• Chuck Schumer: Dubai in charge of US ports is not the same as Moscow in charge of Hollywood
• Bird flu finally hits US: Senate Democrats develop feverish concern about national security
• UN issues report on human rights abuses by the US; also purchases a large glass house and a bag of stones
• Kanye West at Mardi Gras in New Orleans: "George Bush doesn't care about black boobs "
• 2006 Winter Olympics: male ice skater disqualified for being straight
• Bush responds to UN criticism of Gitmo, relocates detainees to Turtle Bay
• Gun-toting Dick Cheney shoots someone: screw the details, we've got the headline!
• Post Valentine Day drug- stores clear shelves for the next bullshit holiday

• Cheney claims shooting was an isolated incident, not beginning of rampage: Senate Democrats breathe sigh of relief
• Europe finally growing a pair of balls, albeit at a lower rate than expected
• Cindy Sheehan to cartoon protestors: "It's 15 minutes, not 15 days!"
• Sheehan to Iranian President: "Get off my front page, attention whore!"
• Sheehan to Chavez: "Will You Be My Valentine?"
• Republican speaks out against wiretaps, NY Times clears front page for next three weeks
• DNC: Bush knew about Danish cartoons prior to publication

• Muslims protest cartoons of bomber Mohammed by threatening to bomb cartoonist
• Muslims demand Mohammed star on Hollywood Boulevard

• Muslims concerned Mohammed star may be stepped on, demand stanchions and ropes
• Mohammed to press: I'm bigger than Jesus!
• Mohammed and Cindy Sheehan scheduled for cameo appearances in a new episode of the Simpsons
• Reuters: US presence in Iraq creates unsafe conditions for foreign non-contractual instantaneous public demolition crews

• Foreign non-contractual instantaneous public demolition crew in Iraq
• Iranian President to denounce Bush's State of Union speech at the annual Gay Pride Parade in Tehran

• Code Pink Jihad: Annual Gay Pride Parade in Tehran
• Appeasement works: French domesticate Islamofascists, teach them useful skills
• Ted Kennedy jumps on anti-war bandwagon, tips it over into a creek, many drown
• Leaky CIA sieve located at Langley basement, replaced with new stainless sieve
• Welfare recipient sues Nanny State for not disclosing addictive effects of hand-outs
• Rescue teams save Al Gore from freezing as he tries to prove effects of Global Warming in Alaska
• Berkeley scientists develop new ways to eliminate Republicans on campus
• Natural disasters elaborate ploy to harm minorities, women
• Attention New Orleans residents: when asked to evacuate, please leave

• Celebrity activists shout twice as louder; Americans still not listening
• Democrat plans to criticize enemy troops a no-starter
• US military success demoralizes Congressional Democrats
• Saudis to terrorists: don't blow it all in one place!
• Local construction worker confuses Sen. Schumer with own complaining, annoying mother-in-law
• Female US soldiers insulting to Muslim insurgents: won't wear veils, menstruate
• Godiva and Hershey's battle to win New Orleans rebuilding contracts
• Hot summer temperatures threaten chocolate skyscrapers in New Orleans
• Nagin's chocolate: plenty of nuts, no white stuff

• ACLU: Bush wiretapped Martin Luther King
• Sam Alito exposed as member of organization that advocates work and personal responsibility
• Alito still silent on transgender rights
• NY Times: Alito's wife's crying slanders Biden, Kennedy, Schumer
• PETA: Alito ignores puppy rights, fish suffrage
• AP: Alito biased against insurgents, terrorists
• Time: Rove engineered Alito wife's breakdown
• Cindy Sheehan refuses to endorse Alito
• Area cook: Racist Alito never orders ethnic food
• Scientists: Mother Earth is a stupid fat cow
• Iranian president proves that 2+2=4 is a Zionist falsehood
• Congressional Democrats find new ways to punish the rich and reward the lazy
• Air America Radio expands audience by 150%, adding two new listeners
• BBC, Reuters hire suicide reporters
• Ariana Huffington closes failed blog, enters convent
• New study: sunlight causes global warming
• 2005North Pole shuts down as elves unionize, demand warmer work environment

• Scab elf bludgeoned while trying to cross picket line
• Santa's sleigh grounded: PETA files animal cruelty suit against jolly old St. Nick
• Comet and Blitzen refuse to serve with openly gay Dasher and Prancer
• Rudolph publishes auto-biography, says shiny nose still cause for discrimination

• Hussein redeems himself of alleged crimes by writing children's book, 'Poor Little Arnok Will Never See His Parents Again.'
• Saddam's book asking kids not to grow up as fascist dictators wins Pulitzer Prize, contract in Hollywood
• Joan Baez and The Christian Peacemaker Teams! sing We Shall Overcome outside Baghdad courthouse

• London fuel depot detonates self in protest over Britain's Iraq policy
• Anti-war activists erect a makeshift memorial near blast site to honor fuel depot's self sacrifice
• Black cloud from London blast covers France; "What else is new," says Frenchman

• Dean: Republicans are polluting the true meaning of Christmas with religion
• DNC Chair vows to take back the non-denomi-
• national traditional winter festival from "the nuts who have hijacked it."

.

• FAA relaxes carry on luggage restrictions
• Planned Parenthood: the last thing we want you to do is become a parent
• North Korea: because famines don't come naturally anymore
• Wal-Mart capitalizes on anti-Wal-Mart sentiment, announces "save money and annoy liberals" blowout sale
• French psyche manifests itself in world's first face transplant operation

• Being two-faced now even easier for French
• In other news: most Canada geese prefer to get medical treatment in the US
• Al Qaeda's unilateral bombings in Jordan squander world media's sympathies

• "Bush's mountain bike causes pollution" - Earthwatch
• EU leaders praise Iran over softening anti-Israel stance from "annihilate" to "wipe out"
• Iranian Prez: I said 'clean up Israel,' where did you get 'wipe out Israel' from?

• Tehran: cleaning and landscaping squads on parade
• A flock of Canada geese illegally obtain Florida driver licenses
• New York Times declares Democrats in charge, endorses armed revolt
• Democrats demand accountability for suicide bombers in Iraq
• Barbara Boxer blows herself up over Karl Rove
• Making a point by exploding: the new filibuster
• Oil discovered on Mars; Halliburton to build risky interplanetary pipeline

• Mom & Pop Store decimates local economy
• Abbas: "pushing Jews into the sea" a bad slogan for PA vacation cruises. Marketing director executed
• Rejected suicide recruit blows up al-Qaeda office to make a point
• ACLU condemns al Qaeda terrorism against transgender civilians

• Red Planet: astronomers trace origins of Marxism to Mars

FRENCH RIOTS

• France: disgusting or just pathetic?
• Newsweek: French riots very classy, well dressed vandals, only one death
• French intellectuals: jihad is not as cool as previously thought
• Paris police begin aggressive distribution of white flags
• US experts: French cars suck but they sure do burn good!
• Chirac creates collaborationist Vichy government, appoints chief rioter
• Mayor of Paris seeks compromise, renames Paris into Jihadabad
• New French doctrine: controlled economy, laissez-faire policing
• Historians: rioters show more zeal than French Army in 1914 and 1940
• RIoters go on strike, demand 32-hour rioting week, workers' comp, paid vacation, retirement plan
• Rioter: why pick a fight with Marines in Iraq when you can kick a French ass in Paris?
• Thug: France wouldn't go to Falujah, so Falujah came to France
• New York Times investigates CIA link in French riots
• Krugman: French riots will spur economic revival
• Dowd: rioting can be a good thing

• TIME: Massive attempt to curb car use and global warming through burning vehicles in FranceHalloween

• Have good wholesome fun scaring away weak liberals with the ghosts of work, family, responsibility, capitalism, Rush Limbaugh, and others!
• Halloween witch hunt on Karl Rove to go ahead despite guilt or innocence Give the dead a living: Democrats promise benefits to dead constituents
• Death chambers discovered in basements of all Wal-Mart stores
• Studies: stem cell research could help lower gas prices, stop spread of bird flu

• Dead couple denounces Bush's agenda, defends right to marry

Ward Churchill, educator


Howard Dean, Chairman


Ted Kennedy, Senator


Al Gore, VIce President


John Kerry, Senator


Hillary Clinton, Senator


Cindy Sheehan, female


Lynne Stewart, lawyer


Chris Fraudoire, Governor-Pretend, WA


Teresa Heinz Kerry, wife

SHEEHAN / KATRINA

• Sheehan: "Civil Disobedience is freakin' hilarious; what happened to those funny-tasting brownies?"
• Perma-grin: Cindy Sheehan lectures officers on the "medicinal" virtues of marijuana during D.C. arrest
• Giggling Sheehan points to her new Che tattoo, says it should get a mugshot too
• Cindy to Pope: I am bigger than Jesus
• Sheehan's arresting officers develop scabies
• Cindy to military: get out of my country!
• Sheehan demands star on Hollywood Boulevard

• Gumby, Barney, Elmo, and Ms. Piggy join Mr.Bill to criticize President Bush's slow response

• Katrina upgraded from hurricane to hate crime
• Scientists: at least one-third of hurricanes are racist
• Federal government failing to provide enough to loot, pillage
• Chairman Dean declares non-looters un-American

• Order from chaos: New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin appoints head looter
• Looters steal Fats Domino's thrill, capture Blueberry Hill
• Air America audiences decimated by Katrina as both listeners get relocated to Houston
• Syrians Funding New Orleans Insurgency
• Time Mag. Exclusive: Behind the Scenes With New Orleanian Freedom Fighters
• Louisiana Baath Party in Shambles
• Fedayeen Nagin Control Airport
• Human Shields Surround Superdome
• National Guard Abandons American Embassy in New Orleans
• Sean Penn Reports From New Orleans: "There's Nowhere to Piss"
• Bush administration to convert refugees to a cheap, efficient fuel source
• Anarchy not as cool as previously thought: reporters surprised
• Jacques Chirac annexes French Quarter, reopens brothels for personal use
• Cindy Sheehan protests national guard relief efforts, blocks road to New Orleans for four days
• New Orleans blues aficionados: now there's something to sing about!
• Looters, rapists: more gun control, please!
• Woman groped during air rescue, files suit
• PETA ignores drowning humans, saves 3 snakes and 5 frogs in French Quarter
• Weatherman: Bush knew about Katrina back in 2000
• GOP weather-control device ensured Katrina would disproportionately target minorities
• Bush engineered Hurrican Katrina to avoid meeting with Cindy Sheehan

. . . PRE-KATRINA COVERAGE

• Al Jazeera survey: Cindy Sheehan "the most desired" woman in tribal areas of Baluhistan
• Bush caused Sheehan's mother's stroke through secret operations
• Sheehan: Karl Rove paid my husband to dump me
• Al-Qaeda leaders attend candlelight ceremony to support Cindy Sheehan
• Bush-bashing Mom: if I leave now it would send a terrible message to the terrorists
• Anti-War Mom to Iraqi kids: Stop raining on my parade!
• Peace Mom to Zarqawi: keep up the good work!
• Mother Sheehan Denounces Troops, Burns Son in Effigy
• Nature, Vultures Befriend Mother Sheehan, Demand Corpses
  
• Sheehan demands destruction of Old Testament, audience with Pope
• Sheehan to Jews: You killed Casey!
• Mother Sheehan defies hygeine police, remains in ditch

• Suicide bomber twin blows up brother by mistake
• U.N. seeks nuclear capability, threatens Bush, Bolton
• Gloria Steinem misplaces vagina
• Gitmo detainees: cuisine superb, still want to kill chef
• Germans develop delicious stem-cell pousse-café
• Dr. Howard Dean declares Conservatives anatomically different, genetically inferior
• Senator Reid threatens to blow himself up over judicial nominees
• New York Times to unveil new "Week in Jihad" section
• Steinem to Muslim women: Stop raining on my parade!
• Hollywood no longer to remake classics, seeks original ideas
• Fox News: only 49% fair but 51% balanced
• CNN admits to liberal bias. "Deal with it" says official
• Ralph Nader DNA shocker: 3/4 Republican, 1/4 Libertarian
• Kucinich calls for credit cards collectivization
• Senator Durbin apologizes to Stalin, Hitler, Pol Pot
• Germany rebuilds Berlin Wall to spite Bush
• Homosexuality found on other planets
• UN: World has 15 years to stop capitalism

RELATED STORIES:

• MIT Professor sells "Che" toasts on eBay
• MIT Professor caught using institute's laser in a scam to make 5,000 "accidental" Che toastsProctologist puts finger on causes of liberalism ~
• France : another day without surrender
• Survey shows men who work more earn more. Liberal economists baffled
• Researchers: abortion not as much fun as previously thought
• Supreme Court rules to end US presence in Washington DC
• Dyslexic liberal activist attacks fish stall for selling halibut
• Bill Clinton explains Big Bang theory to preschoolers
• The Village Voice finally runs out of anti-Bush headlines
• Bush plan to clone Karl Rove exposed
• War in Iraq worsens from quagmire to effluvial morass
• Bush's tax cuts linked to iIncrease in cancer rate worldwide

• Cindy Sheehan betrays her son, sides with enemy
• Poll: Ted Kennedy considered degenerate drunk by < 50% of Americans
• Labor Unions admit to artificially inflating national cost of living
• Chuck Schumer speechless
• Democrats: Social Security is a pyramid scheme
• Ariana Huffington closes failed blog, enters convent
• Labor Unions agree to wages determined by free market
• Government program ends as its intended goal has been achieved
• Mainstream Media apologizes to Americans for decades of bias
• Moveon.org decide to actually move on
• Michael Moore gets a real job
• Hollywood movie paints a favorable image of Senator Joe McCarthy
• Gay and Lesbian leaders declare abstinence best protection from AIDS
• France thanks US for saving ass... twice
• Ass whooping discourages teen from "doing it again"
• Environmental groups switch focus from communism to environment
• Peace activists enraged over terrorist attacks
• United Nations: capitalism best cure for hunger and poverty
• Amnesty International supports US effort to end tyranny and corruption in Africa
• Technological progress: nature's only chance

---

Because this is a communal project, you must pick your individual brains and copy/paste your findings here. Remember that the Party knows everything already, so your contributions will only remind us of what already existed in the depths of our collective consciousness (also known as Groupthink).
 

Headlines You Won't Ever See:

Iraqis Rejoice: U.S. Army Brings Power To Previously Unelectrified Parts of Country

Afghan Women Burn Burkas in Celebration of New Rights

Gitmo Detainees Say the Cuisine is Superb, But Still Want to Kill the Infidel Chef
 

Vince Foster diary blockbuster:  Hillary loves enemas!

Enviro-friendly fart-powered rollerskates on sale in Seattle

French to Bush:  Take back your dead soldiers!

Germans develop delicious stem-cell pousse cafe!

Ralph Nader DNA shocker:  3/4 Republican, 1/4 Libertarian

New York Times declares democrats in charge, endorses armed revolt

U.N. seeks nuclear capability, threatens Bush, Bolton.

Maureen Dowd and Castro sex tape shocker!

Gloria Steinem misplaces vagina

Madonna source of crab infestation, yeast epidemic
 

A Headline you won't ever see:  The Olympics promote losing...and there is no competition.
 

Democratic Party Just Wants to Help Govern Free Country
 

Democratic Party admits that the Iraq war might have accomplished something after all.
 

Headlines you'll never see in the MSM:

"Karl Rove Blameless,  Democrats Ashamed"

"Chuck Schumer Speechless"

"Democrats Demand Accountability for Suicide Bombers Who Killed 24 children in Iraq"

"Democrats Honestly Debate Judicial Nominees, Push for Vote"

"Poll:  Teddy Kennedy Considered Degenerate Drunk by >50% of Americans"

"Most Americans Think Ted Kennedy Killed Mary Joe"

"Iraq War a Success, Iraqis' Happy"

"Mainstream Media Liberally Biased"

News of Note:

"Democrats Harness Their Hate, Develop New Energy Source"

"Dr. Howard Dean Declares Conservatives Anatomically Different, Genetically Inferior"
 

Quote:

"Dr. Howard Dean Declares Conservatives Anatomically Different, Genetically Inferior


Komrade F.U. (??!!), surely you plagerize the NY Times!
 

Quote:

Gloria Steinem misplaces vagina

Dear Comrade:

Now I understand the headline: "Gloria Steinem in New Quest to Find Herself"
 

How about:

"Israelis Defend Citizens Against Terror Attacks"

"Senator Clinton/Schumer/Durban/Feinstein/Boxer/Kennedy..Praise Bush"

"Democrats Welcome Bush Nomination to Federal Bench"

"Saudi Government to Repay US for Decades of Deception, Disloyalty and Oil Price Gouging"

"Ted Kennedy Shuts Up"

"ACLU Hails New Crackdown on Crime/Illegal Immigration/Obscenity"

"Abortion Supporters Admit to Murder of Millions"
 

Quote:

Gloria Steinem misplaces vagina


Perhaps Gloria All-Red can sniff it out!
 

What you won't see:

"Liberals admit they fight like pussies"

"Man Beheaded By Grotesque Monsters From Hell"

"Monsters Blow Up Kids Eating Candy"

"Democracy is Imperative in the Middle East"

What you WILL see:

"Radical Islamists and Puppies:  Two Irresistable Cuties"

"How to Accessorize Your Burka"

"How to Forcibly Convert to Islam"

"Iranian Women to World:  We LOVE to be Covered Up"

"Man Insults Muslim, Imprisoned for Life"

"Muslim Shoots at American Soldiers, Gets Community Service"

"Suicide Bombers' Families Sue Bush for Compensation"

"Callous 9/11 Families Demand Say in Memorial"

"Poor Muslims Under Seige, Suicide Via Bomb the Only Option"

"Insurgents Like T.V., Candy, Newsweak, kittens, RPG's"

"American Soldiers Guilty Guilty Guilty!"

"Insurgent Chic:  Is Anything More Sexy?"

"Tragedy:  Suicide Bomber Prematurely Explodes"

"Making Your Point By Exploding:  The New Filibuster"

"Senator Reid Threatens to Blow Himself Up Over Judicial Nominees"

"Barbara Boxer Blows Herself Up Over Karl Rove"

"New York Times to Unveil New "Week in Jihad" Section"

"Iraq:  Quagmire or Morass?"

"America:  Decadent or Effete?"

"Is Winning a War Criminal?  Many Think So"

"Can Losing a War be Good?  Many Think So"

"Do Americans Have Sex With Dogs?  Many Think So"

"Is the Times a Good Paper?  Many Think So"

"Steinem to Muslim Women:  Stop Raining on My Parade!"

"Feminists to Islamists:  Keep Up the Good Work!"

"Feminists to Bush:  BOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Annoying Children Exploded While Grovelling For Candy, American Soldiers to Blame"
 

Europe admits socialism causes economic stagnation.  Looks to US for free market guidance.

Iranian Mullahs realize theocracy untenable.  Turn power over to the people.

President of Million Mom March uses personally owned handgun to defend her life.  No longer thinks right of self defense a privledge only for the rich and white.

Terrorist tries to hijack plane with nail clippers.  Beaten to death by old lady with a big handbag.

Ward Churchill hit on head by falling, frozen poop; no longer self-hating cracker.
(Actually quite nice now...)

Ariana Huffington closes down failed blog,  Enters convent.

Hollywood will no longer remake classic movies.  Seeks original ideas instead.

Senate passes bill requiring all professional athletes to take steroids.  Golfers inexplicably and violently agitated.

Foxs news only 49% fair but is 51% balanced.

Dan Rather descends into bottomless pit: Red Staters not surprised.

African leaders realize that significant economic and political reform only viable solution to African Human catastrophy.  Call for free and democratic elections.

Labor Unions admit to artificially inflating national cost of living.  Apologize and agree to wages determined by free market demand.
 

Quote:

Ariana Huffington closes down failed blog,  Enters convent.


how about:
Arianna Huffington Confesses to Whoring for  loser Gay Republican Senate Candidate in California,  Admits Lack of Credibility
 

Michael Moore signs into mental hospital many say "it's about time".
 

CNN Admits To Liberal Bias, "Deal with it" says Official.
 

"Social Security Is A Pyramid Scheme"
"Congressional Democrats Stated Iraq Had WMD's in 1998"
"Bush "Elected" President: Wins All Major Recounts"
 

Someone named Bohemian Like You posted the following on his blog the other day:

http://whygrr.blogspot.com/2005/07/coul ... using.html

Well done!

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Could Terrorism Actually Be Causing More Invasions?
And Other Headlines You Will Never See

BBC
LONDON - Radical Islamic clerics worry that the US may be using al-Qaeda as a recruiting tool.



NEW YORK TIMES
WASHINGTON - Senate Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) travels to Fallujah today to urge insurgents to deploy car bombs using cleaner, more eco-friendly hybrid vehicles.



Al JAZEERA
SYRIA - With US invasions up 200% since 2001, many Arab leaders now wonder if Saddam's policies were responsible for the increase in pre-emptive US military actions.



REUTERS
PAKISTAN - Madrasas were empty today as students marched upon Arab capitals chanting "Bin Laden Lied and Kids Died" while carrying signs demanding an end to violent extremism.



Le Monde
FRANCE - Parisians of all ages took the streets this Memorial Day in somber recognition of American sacrifice during the 1st and 2nd World Wars. "Thank You, America. Your fathers and grandfathers will not be forgotten," said President Jacque Chirac in an address to hundreds of thousands grateful French citizens.



ABC WORLD NEWS SERVICE

CAPETOWN - Senator Kennedy Flew to South Africa today for treatment of chronic alcoholism. Confirming speculation surrounding his departure, he spoke to reporters briefly before entering the private rehab facility. "It's time I took responsibility for my actions. It's time I sober up and begin apologizing to everyone I've hurt." Kennedy is expected to retire immediately to begin this mammoth undertaking.


 

Komrades,

Thank you for your recognition.  It is truly an honor.

In the spirit of collective good, my next 5 posts will be riddled with grammatical errors, tedious, and boring.  I would hate for others who are less enlightened to feel threatened by my journalistic prowess.

It's the least I can do - literally.

Peace through surveillance,

bohemianlikeyou
 

Mother Sheehan Denounces Troops, Burns Son in Effigy

Distraught Sheehan Husband to Divorce, Sandblast Penis, Poke Out Eyes

Nature, Vultures Befriend Mother Sheehan, Demand Corpses

Sheehan Demands Destruction of Old Testament, Audience With Pope

Sheehan to Jews:  You Killed Casey!

Mother Sheehan Defies Hygeine Police, Remains in Ditch

Crazy Hag Rants in Ditch, Media Enthralled
 

News We Don't Have Time To Write About:

Scientist Reveals Shocking Data: At Least One-Third of Hurricanes are Racist.

Bush Ordered Deployment of Secret Weather-Control Device; Ensured Katrina Would Disproportionately Target Minorities.

Oil Discovered on Mars; Capitalists Plan to Build Risky Interplanetary Pipeline.
 

No Honor Among Thieves in New Orleans: Elite Gang of Marauders Loots Looters
 

Mad Max, Humongous Do Battle In New Orleans

Steel Cage Deathmatches Rage in Louisiana Thunderdome

Apocolympics Awarded to New Orleans

CNN/Money Magazine:  New Orleans "Best Place to Loot 2005"

Katrina Upgraded From Hurricane to Hate Crime

Chairman Dean Declares Non-Looters Un-American

Woman Groped During Air Rescue, Files Suit
 

PETA ignores drowning Humans; Saves Three Alligators, Twenty Snakes, and Four Frogs in French Quarter
 

Quote:

Secret Weather-Control Device


Sounds like H.A.A.R.P.
 

Kommissar Betty

Quote:

Secret Weather-Control Device


Sounds like H.A.A.R.P.

which is....
?
 

H.A.A.R.P. (High frequency Active Auroral Reaserch Program) is a project that the Pentagon is working on in Alaska that is supposed to beam 1.7 billion watts of electricty into the ionosphere to manipulate weather, and knock out electronic communications.
 

Looters Steal Fats Domino's Thrill, Capture Blueberry Hill

New Orleans Blues Afficionados Ecstatic:  Now There's Something to Sing About!

Order From Chaos:  New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin Appoints Head Looter

Federal Government Failing to Provide Enough to Loot, Pillage
 

ACLU Sues City of New Orleans for Failure to Provide Wheelchair Access to Looters
 

New Top Girls Name in Baluhistan: "Katrina Jihad"

Syrians Funding New Orleans Insurgency

Time Mag. Exclusive:  Behind the Scenes With New Orleanian Freedom Fighters

Louisiana Bath Party in Shambles

Fedayeen Nagin Control Airport

Human Shields Surround Superdome

National Guard Abandons American Embassy in New Orleans

Sean Penn Reports From New Orleans:  "There's Nowhere to Piss"
 

New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin asked by other officials to stop describing hurricane as "crunked out"

Bush administration to convert refugees to a cheap, efficient fuel source

Jacques Chirac annexes French Quarter, reopens brothels for personal use

Cindy Sheehan protests national guard relief efforts, blocks road to New Orleans for four days
 

Ragin' Nagin: New Orleans Mayor Blows Gasket Over Cold Room-Service Food
 

Hope Doesn't Always Float: Sean Penn's Rescue Boat Sabotaged by Bush Operatives
 

'Oh No!' Mr. Bush: Mr. Bill, Gumby, Barney, Elmo, and Ms. Piggy Join Hollywood Celebrities in Criticizing Federal Response


 

NARAL congratulates Katrina on "getting the ones we couldn't", hires her as federal lobbyist

Kanye West joins New Orleans gang, vows to kill whitey
 

UN stops trying to force government on the Somali people, acknowledges that the free market works better.

NYers vote for smaller government, begin to respect property rights.

Bush admits he's a socialist, openly calls for repeal of 2nd amendment.

Democratic Party begins new honesty campaign, changes name to National Socialist Democratic America Party.

Black man stubs toe in police station, Al Sharpton remains silent on the matter.

ACLU changes policy, begins living up to its name by defending individual gun rights.

Right-winger publicly opposes affirmative action, NOT labeled a Nazi by the media.

ANSWER admits to being a neo-Nazi organization, makes swastika its new official symbol, changes name to Final Solution.
 

Drunk Frenchmen working at a misstle base in France accidentally launch nuke at Paris.
 

Bush's Racist Resettlement Plan Revealed: Cruise Ships Were Sought to Convey New Orleans Blacks "Back" to Africa
 

Headline you won't ever see:

Renowned plastic surgeon: Nancy Pelosi's face stretched to breaking point
 

Perma-grin: Cindy Sheehan lectures officers on the "medicinal" virtues of marijuana during D.C. arrest  

Grieving Mother Sheehan: "Civil Disobedience is freakin' hilarious; what happened to those funny-tasting brownies"

Giggling Sheehan points to her new Che tattoo, says it should get a mugshot too
 

michael moore's miracle weight loss cure; ben and jerry's, burger king file for bankruptcy.
 

Cindy to military:  get out of my country!

Cindy to Pope:  I am bigger than Jesus

Sheehan's arresting officers develop scabies

Cindy's guilty secret:  "I love a man in uniform!"

Sheehan demands star on Hollywood Boulevard

http://www.famousstar.de/star.php?text=Cindy%20Sheehan


 

Scientific breakthrough: Sheehan carries Karl Marx's clone in her womb!
 

"France:  Disgusting or Just Pathetic"

"Krugman:  French riots will spur economic revival"

"New York Times investigates CIA link in French riots"

"Dowd:  Rioting can be a good thing"

"French riots very classy, well dressed vandals, only one death"

"Chirac states French riots overblown, just harmless youthful exuberance"

"Time mag.:  Massive attempt to curb car use and global warming through burning vehicles in France"
 

"USA to expatriate Johnny Depp:  Don't come crawling back!"

"Chirac sets curfew for youth -- may also withhold allowances or ground rioters for a week"

"France out of Paristan!"

"Israelis condemn French overreaction to innocent Muslims, demand statehood for oppressed"
 

London fuel depot purposely detonates self in protest over Britain's Iraq policy

Anti-war activists erect a makeshift memorial near blast site to honor fuel depot's self sacrifice

Black cloud from London blast covers France; "What else is new," says Frenchman
 

Saddam Writes Childrens Book - Wins Pulitzer Prize - Announces He Has Redeemed Himself - Hollywood Flocks to His Side - "With his new childrens book, 'Poor Little Arnok Will Never See His Parents Again', Mr Hussein has redeemed himself of all his crimes against humanity." says Jesse Jackson. "He is now an innocent man." Joan Baez and The Christian Peacemaker Teams! link arms and sing We Shall Overcome outside the courthouse.
 

Oh Tannenbaum!: Eco-warriors liberate Xmas trees from brutal confinement in suburban Seattle homes
 

Santa's sleigh grounded: PETA files animal cruelty suit against jolly old St. Nick

Dasher and Prancer come out of closet, advocate legalizing same-sex marriage for reindeer

Comet and Blitzen refuse to serve with openly gay reindeer

Rudolph publishes auto-biography, says some reindeer still discriminate against him because of his shiny nose

North Pole shuts down after elves unionize and go on strike for warmer work environment

Scab elf receives serious beating while trying to cross picket line, requires hospitalization
 

Headlines You are Likely to See in MSM:

Dick Cheney Exhales Greenhouse Gases
 

Give me at least one reason to believe you.

Because Hillary said so.

-Kommissar Betty
 

New Year's Resolutions:

Radical college professors resolve to vilify America twice as much as last year

Mother Earth resolves to create even more devastating natural disasters in response to human environmental irresponsibility

Air America Radio resolves to expand audience by 100%, giving them two listeners

Liberal media resolves to continue impartial pursuit of "the Truth" and to redouble efforts to undermine the War on Terror

Hollywood producers resolve to remake Citizen Kane: Clooney to direct, DiCapprio to play lead role

Celebrity activists resolve to become more outspoken and further alienate themselves from mainstream America

Anti-Bush bureaucrats in government resolve to keep "leaking" classified knowledge "like a sieve"
 

NYT despairs the Republican culture of corruption that the Abramoff scandle has exposed.

In other news NYT praises the honesty and political integrity of maverick senator Patty Murray (D) WA, for refusing to return $40,000 in contributions connected with Abramoff. Her spokesperson explained: "The money wasn't from Abramoff, it was actually from the tribes he represented. Mr Abramoff was merely hired to give Patty the money. It wasn't actually from him."
 

Donald Rumsfeld triggers "Mecca Stampede" with psychosis-inducing death ray
 

"Alito Silent on Transgender Rights"

"NY Times:  Alito's Wife's Crying Slanders Biden, Kennedy, Schumer"

"PETA:  Alito Ignores Puppy Rights, Fish Suffrage"

"NY Times:  Alito Biased Against Insurgents, Terrorists"

"Time Magazine:  Rove Engineered Alito Wife's Breakdown"

"Cindy Sheehan Refuses to Endorse Alito"

"Racist Alito Never Orders Ethnic Food"
 

ACLU reports: Bush wiretapped Martin Luther King
 

"Mayor Nagin to Forcibly Repatriate New Orleanian Minorities, Then Build Wall"

"Nagin to Former Constituents:  Get Back Here Or Else"

"Nagin Demands Non-Chocolate Constituents Leave Or Change Color"

"New Orleanians Ask, "Who the Hell Elected This Idiot. . . We did?  Woops . . .""

"Blanco and Nagin to Merge, Create One Jumbo Chocolatey Incompetent"
 

Sheehan to Chavez: "Will You Be My Valentine?"
 

Former D.C. Mayor celebrates "Crack History Month"
 

"Crack History Month" celebrates Marion Barry
 

Muslims around the world protest caricatures of Muhammad wearing a bomb as a hat by bursting into hotels in search of foreigners to take hostage, chanting "death to France" and "death to Denmark" and vowing vengeance and painful death to all of Islam's enemies.
 

Iran's Hamshahri newspaper to follow "Holocaust Cartoon Contest" with "9-11 Cartoon Contest"

Submissions from Hell: Satan agrees to let Goebbels and other Nazis enter Hamshahri's "Holocaust Cartoon Contest"

Ahmadinejad defends Hamshahri's contest: "Insulting The Prophet is far worse than the alleged extermination of 6 million Jews"
 

Jihadists say crescent-shaped pastries are sacrilegious, torch croissant shops across Europe
 

Cartoon icons Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck taken hostage by Islamic extremist. Terrorist group demands Europes unconditional surrender for offensive cartoon. France complies.
 

Bush Relents to UN Pressure. Moves Gitmo Detainees to Turtle Bay.
 

Cheney Seen On Grassy Knoll, Suspected Lone Gunman. "Magic Pellet" Lodges In Lawyers Heart. National Park Service To Investigate.
 

Bush administration approves deal to turn over security operations at several major American airports to Saudi government-owned firm

Beijing-controlled energy company selected to manage a dozen nuclear power plants in United States
 

Google changes name to Gulagoogle.
 

thepeoplescube.com changes name to SuperXXXPornSex.com - now back in Google's good graces.
 

Christian Peacemaker Team Hostages to Liberating Coalition Forces: "Thanks for Nothing, You Murderous Occupiers!"
 

Helen Thomas Retires After Two-Hundred Years of Journalism - Apologizes to President Bush for Mean Spirited Remarks.
 

Microsoft Vista to unveil as soon as "we figure out how Apple did that cool OS X stuff."
 

Democrats Announce Strong National Security Plan With Aprils Fools Still Four Days Away. Americans Perplexed.
 

Russ Fiengold promises more Censure hearings. Democrats vow- "Our Media whoring wont end till we are voted in!!!"
 

John Dean testifies at Senate Censure Hearing today to bash Bush and shamelessly promote his new book "Worse than Watergate", Democrats applaude loudly in support.
 

Cynthia McKinney: I didn't want to hit him but he touched us on our shoulder.
 

Worldwide leftist anti-Western Civilization proponents, US MsM and academe, Pples' socially-responsible scientists, gays for social justice and jihad-ez admit:
"Okay okay, so there is some pollution coming from communists' China, India, mid-east, EU, Eastern-Europe, Far-East contributing pollution to earth, but it's all still the fault of the USA!"

Leftists and democrats will gather along US borders in efforts to rescue misguided illegal immigrants by warning them that there are no opportunities in this land that is vastly polluted by SUVs, filled with racists and homophobes, evil worker-exploiting capitalist, low-wage jobs, ruthlessly governed by "nazis and neocons", whackos who demand law, order, a belief in a higher and just power, and white people, so it is much safer to remain in their own countries.
 

Progressive comrades - democrats, leftists, academics, brokebutt cowboys, and jihadez -declare: "Our progressive mission will not be complete until the USA is no different than any third-world village!"

Comrade leftists, democrats, academics, brokebutt cowboys, and jihadez to modify revolution: "Our progressive mission emphasizing re-distribution of capitalists' wealth out of the USSA will now be shifted to re-distribution of socialist-progressive- undocumented-workers and like-minded revolutionaries into the USSA ."
 

John McCain offers 50$/hr to harvest lettuce, Mexico sends 50,000 illegals/hr. into U.S to accept McCains offer.
 

Democrats blame Bush for not capping oil profits, Bush blames gangstas for not capping Democrats.