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News flash: Clinton declared interim president!

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A recently discovered draft of the Twelfth Amendment to the United States Constitution may mean that Hillary Clinton will become the next president of the United States instead of Donald Trump -- pending expert review and Supreme Court concurrence.

The draft came to the attention of Democrats while they were in a Harrisburg, Pennsylvania Starbucks drowning their sorrows in cappuccino lattes after a judge quashed their recount petition. Barista Al Franken (no relation) excitedly rushed over to their table holding a parchment roll, store manager Harry Reid (no relation) close behind. A footnote in tiny print at the bottom of this document read:

Whereas, the candidate who receives an absolute majority of electoral votes normally wins the presidency; the winner may be considered the candidate who first reaches a threshold number of electoral votes determined by fair-minded and objective citizens.

Democrats immediately contacted fair-minded and objective citizens at CNN, MSNBC, the New York Times and the Washington Post, who agreed unanimously that 100 votes was “the magic threshold number” sufficient to declare the winner on Election Day.

After careful tracking of electoral votes as they were coming in that evening, it was determined that Hillary Clinton reached 100 electoral votes before Donald Trump did. The electoral vote count should have stopped at that point, Democrats said. The fact that Trump eventually achieved 306 electoral votes should not have mattered, they added.

Mainstream media outlets immediately broadcast this stunning bit of news, followed by commentary and analysis by the usual pundits:

Wolf Blitzer: “I knew it in my gut!”

Rachel Maddow: “You go, gurrl!”

Chris Cuomo: “Magnificent!”

George Stephanopoulos: “Whew!”

Mika Brzezinski: “I predicted it.”

Bill O'Reilly: “I predicted it first.”

Megyn Kelly: “Woo-hoo!”

George Will: “My bow tie is ready.”

Charles Krauthammer: “Mine too, George.”

Glen Beck: “Let's go, guys.”

The next step is for the Harrisburg document to be authenticated by experts. Should it prove genuine, the Supreme Court will then review videotapes of electoral votes as they were tallied on election night to confirm that Hillary Clinton did indeed reach 100 electoral votes before Donald Trump did. In the meantime, the Court declared that Clinton can legally be considered interim president of the United States.

Speaking for the Court, Justice “Wise Latina” Sotomayor averred that there is no need formally to concur that 100 electoral votes is “the magic threshold number” because it came from reporters at CNN, MSNBC, the New York Times and the Washington Post, whose integrity is beyond reproach.

More developments as they become available.


 
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