Bombshell: Minority GOP Candidates Actual White People in Disquises

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United States -- The glut of GOP minority candidates throughout the Unites States has had average Americans confused. As one 'man on the street' interview with a certified Black Person today put it "Republicans are incurably racist, going all the way back to Abraham Lincoln. I don't understand how they are fielding all these BIPOC candidates ...?  Minorities vote 'D', everybody knows that."

Analysts at most major news outlets are similarly baffled by candidates such Mayra Flores, Cassy Garcia, and Monica De La Cruz in Texas, Hershel Walker in Georgia, Jerone Davison in Arizona, Amal Torres in Maryland, Lily Tang Williams in New Hampshire, and many others around the country. The GOP is well-known as a racist, terrorist organization run by crusty old white people from a smoke-filled back room. Most experts have theorized these candidates were either some form of robot or advanced holograms, but the truth has turned out be much less exotic: disguises.

A four-month long investigation into GOP minority candidates by journalists posing as staffers has revealed that they are nearly all white men named Chet or middle-aged white women named Karen, but wearing elaborate disguises in public. They have been provided with extensive documentation and elaborate backstories - such as having been born in Somalia or Mexico - but it is all a gigantic facade.

As one undercover journalist put it "I knew something was off at our first campaign appearance. It was a big backyard party with music and dancing. First, my supposedly 'black' candidate brings a casserole to the potluck. Then he started 'dancing' and I knew immediately it was all wrong - clapping on 1 and 3 and no sense of rhythm at all. He looked like he was trying fight off some sort of stinging insect. After that I couldn't stop until I had uncovered the whole story."