If Obama were Jesus: a Christmas list

Is Obama really like Jesus?

While his miraculous superpowers have always been part of the progressive narrative, there has recently been a increase in sightings of Barack Obama's divine nature in the mainstream culture - from a painting that depicts the president as crucified Christ, to Jamie Foxx calling Barack Obama our lord and savior, to a Florida professor who described Obama as an apostle sent to create "heaven here on earth."

Thus, let us ponder on this Christmas Eve about whether we would be better off if Christ were to equal Obama in moral and intellectual prowess. In fact, let us make a list (and check it twice) of what he would do differently:

• He would apologize to Egypt for the renegade Exodus and restore the security and equality of bondage for all.
• He would take money from the Temple to bail out the money changers.
• He would feed the multitudes with five government forms and a roll of red tape.
• All writing on the wall would have to be bilingual by government mandate.
• Disciples would be Palestinians.
• His mentor would try to blow up the Temple.
• Judea papyrus printers would never criticize his actions.
• Public schools would teach about him during his own lifetime.
• The Nazarenes would stop clinging to their slingshots and Torahs.
• Sodom and Gomorrah would be vibrant cultural centers of tolerance and diversity.
• Planned Parenthood would be eliminating the firstborns better than the failed Herod administration.
• The government would limit the size of Roman chariots to avoid climate change.
• Businesses would be found guilty of killing the Dead Sea and be shut down.
• The Last Supper would cost the taxpayers 1.4 billion shekels.
• He would tell Pontius Pilate, "Wait until after the crucifixion, I'll be more flexible then."

On the other hand, if Obama were to play the part of our lord and savior with just a little more zing, his inspirational quotes would also sound differently:

• Give to Caesar what is Caesars, unless you make more than 25 shekels, then deduct column A from E and add to D.
• Blessed are all who have grievances, for they shall be compensated through civil rights lawsuits.
• Blessed are the jobless, for the taxpayers shall be their keepers.
• Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom of state-expropriated wealth.
• If your right eye causes you to sin, invite the left one to join in; for if it looks good, it can't be wrong.
• If your right hand causes you to sin, make sure to have enough for the left hand; for if it feels good, it can't be wrong.
• Whoever lusts for a woman or man, go right ahead and get the media to cover it up for you.
• I am my brother's keeper, unless he lives in a hut in Kenya.
• A man can have no greater love than to lay down his taxes for others.
• Impose healthcare unto others that you would not impose unto yourself.
• Render unto the Government what belongs to God and hope the Government will provide.
• I say to you, hate your rich neighbors and love the government that redistributes their wealth.
• Whoever in the world slaps you on your cheek, pander to him with largesse.
• If anyone wants to sue you and possess your money, let him have your country, also.
• Love America's enemies, bless those who curse it, do good to those who hate it, and agree with those who spitefully attack it.
• Peter, when you go to Benghazi, I will deny your request for help three times.

Look out for a new, revised Bible at a book store near you. The improved edition will be almost God-free and contain less than 3% opiate for the masses. It will have a lot fewer Jews but many more women and other minorities, with the ever growing Hispanic representation and a vocal Muslim voting bloc, as well as a gay, lesbian, and transgender alliance, mirroring life itself.

Pick any of its different versions that best fits your current moral needs.


 

This post is based on the Tweets that General Secretary and I made a few weeks ago.

In other news, this post was also simultaneously published in The Washington Times Communities

In the meantime... Promote Progress by putting down Christianity and it's greatest PR vehicle, which is Christmas. For Utopia to occur, we must first clear the territory currently occupied by religion.



Repeat after me: Religion is the opiate for the masses. Stop drugs at the source by cutting off the supply!! Just say No to Christmas!
 

Ah, before my mother recently passed, she and her nurse were delighted over the fact that they were sure Jesus was a Democrat. The conversation was designed to elevate my own blood pressure. Could she have been right? A little research showed it was not likely. After all - If Jesus was a Democrat -

He would hit on Mary Magdaline and left her in the car to drown after driving it off a bridge at the Jordan River. Then declare the other side has declared a War On Women. While having no women among the disciples.

At the feeding of the Five Thousand, He would have had his SEIU goon disciples strongarm people with plenty of food to hand it over so He could hand it out to the lazy, indigent and weak-minded – in exchange for a vote for Him next election. OR – He would have passed out 5,000 food stamps.

….he would make sure everyone follows the 10 Commandments, but exempt Himself from them.

…. if anyone were critical of Him, he'd wither their vocal cords.

…..He wouldn't be the Prince of Peace. He'd be the King of Chaos. You have to create problems before you can fix them. His “followers” would become occupiers.

…..He wouldn't stop at 10 percent for tithes. Hard workers would have taxes raised on their earnings to take care of the so-called “oppressed” standing around with their hands out.

...healing would be replaced by Jesuscare...where, if you were approved by the political panel, you'd get immediate treatment in 6 to 9 months. In the meantime, take an aspirin and hope what you have isn't fatal in the short run.

...all menorahs and lamps must be solar powered, as He would be against the greedy pigs of Big Olive Oil. He would give billions to solar lamp firms which would then go bankrupt and the money would be missing.

….the wedding at Cana would have been a gay one.

….He would make sure all His bios say He was born in Bethlehem, not Kenya.
 

Good Comrade Square! Just last week I was sitting in my People's Recliner by the fire, sipping a delightful vintage beet vodka, and reading the Obamatudes (Barack 5:3-12) from the New Progressive Bible... you listed a few of the glorious verses; I shall add to them below:



Barack 5 -

3) Blessed are the tolerant for only things progressive, for they shall be more equal than others.
4) Blessed are all who have grievances, for they shall be compensated through civil rights lawsuits.
5) Blessed are the jobless, for the taxpayers shall be their keepers.
6) Blessed are those who yell and shout down those with whom they disagree, for they shall have their way.
7) Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom of state-expropriated wealth.
8) Blessed are the Palestinians (and all others who have been falsely occupied by evil Jews, Christians, or other right wingers) for they shall receive billions in American tax dollars.
9) Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for free stuff from the government, for they shall receive Obamaphones and food stamps forever and ever, amen.
10) Blessed are those who donate to presidential campaigns and concerns, for they shall receive preferential treatment and czarships.
11) Blessed are those who are prosecuted for being illegal aliens, for they shall receive amnesty.
12) Blessed are the progressives at heart, for they shall feel good about themselves.
 

What do you mean "if"?
 

...the miracle of the loaves and fishes would be about Stimulus grants and free Obama phones

...instead of raising Lazurus from the dead, he'd tell him to just take the pain pill

...if the adultress voted Republican, he would've encouraged the Pharisees to stone her

...the apostles would've all been journ0lists instead of fishermen

...instead of apostles, he'd have cronies

...he wouldn't have let John the Baptist baptize him until John showed him a union card

...after driving the money changers out of the Temple, he'd replace them with his cronies

...he'd spend 40 days in the desert but instead of praying, he'd be scouting out locations for government-funded wind farms and solar panel installations

...he wouldn't be able to walk on water but all the journ0list-cronies-apostles would TELL people he did
 

Isn't there a line in the Bible about those who claim to be Christ himself and to beware of them?
 

OBAMA TO ACCOMPANY BABY JESUS & WISE MEN IN ITALIAN NATIVITY SCENES (YES, REALLY)

Quote:

President Barack Obama, riding on the heels of his historic electoral victory this week, has another accomplishment to boot: He will be included, as a character, in traditional Italian nativity scenes in Naples this Christmas.


 

Well, just because he doesn't have a birth certificate doesn't mean he was immaculately conceived.

Or does it? It's all starting to make sense...
 

Immanentizing the Modern Progressive Eschaton......
 

Commissar Wahoo

Immanentizing the Modern Progressive Eschaton...... I must warn you, Commissar Wahoo, that simply putting a Progressive face on such a subversive phrase as "immanentize the eschaton" does not remove you from suspicion. We will be watching you more closely. We do understand, however, that life presents few opportunities in which to utilize "immanentize the eschaton" and perhaps siezing the moment was irresistable.

 

Actually, isn't there a progressive award for utilizing the "immanentize the eschaton" phrase?
 

Excellent Comrade ROCK, recgnizing equality where it is due.
 

Just following 1st Barack 6:31, Comrade - "Do ye unto others as the government givith unto you (pbuh), lest thy wealth be redistributed as like a one percenter's wealth" (The Progressive Bible, First Term Version).
 

THE WORLD IS WATCHING!



We demand a complete and unconditional immanentization of the eschaton now!



Immanentization of the eschaton is an insult to Islam!



Immanentize the #@^$% eschaton!
 

Does this make Obama the "opiate of the people"?
 

Zakh

Does this make Obama the "opiate of the people"?

Such questions... Who would ask such questions? Comrade Zakh, (ahem *spit*) questioning is only what we do to opposition forces to hold them to THEIR moral code.

Do not question The 0ne.

Barack 13:13 (Progressive Bible 2013 v.13)

Hail Obama! (PBUH)
 

Red Square

Immanentize the #@^$% eschaton!

*a silent tear drops from his cockled feathers for the beauty of The Motheland...*
 

White Kwanzaa anybody?


 

Good Comrade Red Square, you have brought a smile of reminiscent joy to my face as I fondly remember those White Kwanzaa days of long ago when I lived in the People's Republic of Santa Monica. It was a mere trifle to hop into my car and traverse the few miles to Inglewood or Compton, where I could walk the streets and feel the culture, lighting candles as I went, greeting those colorfully dressed African Americans mentioned so lovingly in the song.



Unfortunately, I had left the area in a couple of years earlier and missed the Kwanzaa Celebration of 1992 which received worldwide recognition. But I did light a candle as I watched on TV. Los Angeles is always a delightful place to shop, but - Dear Lenin - the shopping experiences in the Kwanzaa Season that were available that year! Oh my. And against the backdrop of HUGE community-provided candle light!

Ahhhh, the streets of South Los Angeles at night in the Kwanzaa Season... thank you, Comrade Square, for stirring up these fond memories!
 

Zakh

Does this make Obama the "opiate of the people"?

I am the Opiate of the People. Thou shalt not have strange opiates befor me.
 

Now that I have my notebook and a writing utensil, let me get this straight - Are There Some Kulaks Questioners who have posted on this page any kind of denial that Our Obammunist Master is The Christ? If so, please send me you name and Peoples Identification Number [Alt: Inform Your Block Police Agent]. Then please stand outside your front door tomorrow morning, and Climb Into The Back Of The Friendly Revanchist Collection Party Truck that will come by to pick you up to taxi you to where you belong. (If I were you, I'd be standing outside early... I really would...)

(You can do that to support Our Obammunist Master, can't you?)