Washington, DC -- Executives from Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, and Tim Hortons were grilled mercilessly this week in hearings on Capital Hill.  The US House of Representatives Energy and Commerce Subcommittee on Oversight and Investigations provided evidence that coffee has now reached an average $43.20 per gallon as coffee chains generate billions in profits.

Rep. Mark Pocan (D-WI) was quoted as saying "Big Coffee has again shown it it doesn't care about consumers.  Charging people this much for basic necessities is price gouging!!!"  At this point, Rep. Pocan began pounding his shoe on the table and accidentally spilled his Caffè Latte Grande double sugar/half-caf.

After a brief recess to allow interns to clean up the mess, he continued, "My chief of staff keeps talking about something called 'supply and demand.'  I think it should be 'demand and supply': the government demands you supply your products at the price we decide is 'fair.'  In a perfect world, the government would set all the prices based on what is fair.  I'm not sure if that has ever been tried, but it sounds like a great idea to me.  Currently, a slight majority of Congress-persons agree with me as well as the portion of the US population that have never run a business."

After the hearing, a Starbucks spokesperson answered questions and provided the following statement, "Making coffee is really difficult.  It isn't easy like producing gasoline or something, where they only have to pump it out the ground and ship it here in crude form, then refine it in a complex, dangerous process tightly regulated by safety and environmental agencies, finally shipping it in explosive liquid form all over the country.  Do they ever make little designs in the foam? No they do not. So don't treat us like them."

Stop price gouging! Nationalize Big Coffee! No latte, no peace!

What the world needs is a good five-cent cup of coffee.

There is a way, of course, to avoid government sanctions if the corporate office hires the right marketing team.

This Kube Klassic provides the details.

Marxism Coffee: Smell The Revolution

Red Square wrote: ↑

4/11/2022, 5:27 pm

Marxism Coffee: Smell The Revolution

Throw away all such bourgeois crap. It is garbage. Good wholesome socialist coffee is Beet Coffee made from good wholesome socialist collectively farmed no-capitalist-trade beets.

Comrade Otis wrote: ↑

4/11/2022, 8:39 pm

Throw away all such bourgeois crap. It is garbage. Good wholesome socialist coffee is Beet Coffee made from good wholesome socialist collectively farmed no-capitalist-trade beets.

Steeped and filtered using an old sock...