Comrades, the utopia of Obamanomics has arrived. Obamanomics is NOT socialism and it is NOT capitalism; it's less filling, no, it tastes great! It's TWO, TWO, TWO isms in one! Let's see, I think the closest historical economic parallel to Obamanomics was once practiced by Adolph somebody or other. Anyway, it is useful to ask "What career paths will put the ambitious comrade at the front of the bread line in the new utopia?" (It is useful to ask this but do not get too pushy about it as the Party does not like such people and they may be found missing someday, if you catch my drift.) Here are some suggestions to which heed should be paid for those who know what's good for them.

BROADCAST DENOUNCER

Description: The Fairness Doctrine will restore fairness to the public airwaves by making sure truth has an equal place at the table with fiction. Unfortunately, this still will not help the public at large tell the difference between good and evil; the ill-informed non-MSM-consuming non-Ivy League educated proles will still be vulnerable to making incorrect choices. That is where the Broadcast Denouncer comes in; he/she will help the public separate truth from lies and good from evil by periodic denouncements over the public airwaves: "It's 6:30 PM and Rush Limbaugh is hard at work devising schemes to take the food from your mouth and the crayons from your children's hands. Oooh, I HATE him for that!"
Qualifications: the prospective broadcast denouncer should be able to talk continuously without thinking. He/she should be able to pronounce words that he/she does not know the meaning of. Being able to read from an Obama-prompter is a must. Being able to foam at the mouth on cue is a plus!
Prototypical Candidate: Keith Olberman

GREEN VEHICLE PROPULSION DESIGNER

Description: Now that oil and gas are anachronisms, what will power the vehicle of the future? America, take your pick: solar, wind, large clockwork springs, repeated loud hard farts; as long as it doesn't increase global warming accelerate climate change, doesn't require drilling for anything where bears or other wildlife live and can be made by employees at America's perennially government-subsidized quasi-private auto companies.

Qualifications: a working knowledge of Rube Goldberg machines and Wile E. Coyote vs. Road Runner cartoons is a must. A familiarity with the environmentally-friendly engineering techniques pioneered by The Professor on "Gilligan's Island" is also useful.

Prototypical Candidate: Fred Flintstone

WEALTH REDISTRIBUTION TECHNICIAN

Description: Wealth is soon going to be spread around like fertilizer and America needs workers to help spread it. The wealth redistribution technician will be responsible for taking wealth from those who have more than they need and giving it to those who need more than they have.

Qualifications: Getting the right people to do this is trickier than it appears at first glance; the ideal person would be someone with loads of compassion and understanding for the plight of the oppressed but without the cynicism and jadedness that would lead to them taking some/all for him/herself. On the other hand, he/she must be smart enough to tell a real sob story from a fake one (we don't want any ex-bank CEOs getting anything) but not smart enough to figure out a way to take some/all for him/herself. This means most Chicago pols and their relatives are ineligible.

Prototypical Candidate: Any game show host

PEOPLE'S BANKER

Description: All banks will soon be nationalized, although Obama is wise enough not to call it that; it makes the Neandertals who have framed copies of "The Constitution" hanging in their living rooms nervous, for some reason. Regardless, its analagous to a patient on life support; we don't say "he's dead" but without the heart-lung machine and the ventilator, he is. So goes the banks. Needless to say, the new ownership model will result in a revolution in banking. Banks will no longer seek to attract deposits, they will DEMAND them. Loans will be made not on the basis of interest rates or return on capital expected, but based on need. A new breed of banker will be required to make the financial system of tomorrow work.

Qualifications: A split personality is helpful; the prospective banker will need to be ruthless and vicious with the hoarders of needed capital ("Give me your effing money NOW!) while being compassionate and understanding with the borrowers ("How nice that you want to put an Olympic-sized swimming pool next to your lean-to!") Knowledge of mathematics or economics is unnecessary and likely a hindrance.

Prototypical Candidate: The mobsters from "Goodfellas" crossed with Mother Teresa

ALTERNATIVE HEALTH CARE PRACTITIONERS

Description: Health care is a right; it's in the Constitution, right after the part pertaining to free cheese and house prices never going down. But, as even a poorly-trained Obamaconomist knows, there are only so many doctors and such available to meet the increased demand. What to do? America must get creative! Who says there is only one way to heal? Could not witch doctors and faith healers take up some of the slack? What about drugs? Why must we rely on pharmaceutical companies with secret formulas and huge markups to make our medicines? Couldn't we allow people to make drugs at home? This paradigm certainly works for marijuana and crystal meth. Rogaine can't be THAT much more complicated! And why does America have an insane prejudice against DIY home surgery?

Qualifications: A lack of perspective, a warped sense of humor, megalomania and a lack of regard for human life are all assets.

Prototypical Candidate: Dr. Nick Riviera from "The Simpsons"

INSTRUCTORS AT PEOPLE'S UNIVERSITIES

Description: Obama knows education is a must for everyone in the collective twenty-first century economy, so everyone will be required to attend college. Of course, not everyone is gifted in every area so colleges will need to modernize and revitalize course catalogs in order to serve the expanded, more diverse audience (and to make sure everybody can get a degree and feel good about themselves.) New courses will need to be developed covering previously ignored and under-appreciated fields of learning: duck washing, advanced puppeteering, modern clown technology, pus studies... these are just some of the areas which will lead to rewarding careers to those who master them.

Qualifications: If you can wash a duck, work a puppet, use a joy buzzer or wax eloquent about pus, you're in.

Prototypical Candidate: Larry, Darryl and Darryl from "Newhart"

COMMUNITY ORGANIZERS

Description: In order to generate feelings of solidarity within the community and foster joy at the wonderful accomplishments of Obama, the great unwashed masses must be encouraged (or herded like cattle, if necessary) to join together to worship support our leader in his fight against evil. The tactics used may include (but not be limited to) mass public demonstrations to intimidate critics, unruly mobs attacking the homes and offices of opponents, organized electronic and snail mail threats campaigns directed at obstacles (such as Supreme Court judges, etc) and possibly anarchistic violence if required. Remember, the ends justify the means and Obama's ends are all good.

Qualifications: Barbarism, ability to yell loudly and incoherently, paranoid psychosis (natural or artificially induced.)

Prototypical Candidates: crowds at foreign soccer games

Remember, this is YOUR economy! Now do what we tell you!

There are at least 3 million shovel-ready opportunities here! Great work, Comrade TV Set! Is there a squeegee in the right of that photo?

Could be, Commissar, could be. Squeegee technology is an area of growing interest in the brave new world of Obamanomics; the need for squeegee operating engineers will be increasing as fuel economy requirements will require car makers to phase out energy-wasting motor-driven windshield wipers. It's an ideal small business for anyone who's been laid off wishes to escape the corporate rat race and set out on his/her own! All one needs to get started is a squeegee and a street corner with a lot of traffic! Assuming one can afford a squeegee.... and if there is any traffic left after cap and trade takes hold.... I better get back to you on this one.

Comrade Opiate of the People, you should be promoted to the head of central employment planning. Just remember your friends, when they seek a position in one of these rewarding professions.

There are already squeegee attachments for the People's Rifle(TM). This way the green shirt security squads will be able to support themselves, thus keeping the Party's cost down, and redistributing wealth at the same time.

<quote>
WEALTH REDISTRIBUTION TECHNICIAN

Description: Wealth is soon going to be spread around like fertilizer and America needs workers to help spread it. The wealth redistribution technician will be responsible for taking wealth from those who have more than they need and giving it to those who need more than they have.
Qualifications: Getting the right people to do this is trickier than it appears at first glance; the ideal person would be someone with loads of compassion and understanding for the plight of the oppressed but without the cynicism and jadedness that would lead to them taking some/all for him/herself. On the other hand, he/she must be smart enough to tell a real sob story from a fake one (we don't want any ex-bank CEOs getting anything) but not smart enough to figure out a way to take some/all for him/herself. This means most Chicago pols and their relatives are ineligible.
Prototypical Candidate: Any game show host

Comrade Opiate,

As usual, an excellent piece of propaganda, comrade! For the benefit of the more ambitious proles, I might also note that there a 2 million jobs for the asking out there, folks!

I believe that another candidate for the wealth redistribution tech would be a social worker; abeit, already trained in redistribution of wealth.....hmmm....as for the game show hosts, the child-actors have that profession all sewn up tight. Ever see Trivial Pursuit? And can you guess what show he was on?)

Comrade Opiate,

[HIGHLIGHT=#eeece1]INSTRUCTORS AT PEOPLE'S UNIVERSITIES
New courses will need to be developed covering previously ignored and under-appreciated fields of learning:
[/HIGHLIGHT]
Maybe courses in the fine art of Mime? Minnesota Mikey would be perfect for the job.

Che Gourmet,
Good to see you Comrade.

Leninka wrote:Comrade Opiate of the People, you should be promoted to the head of central employment planning. Just remember your friends, when they seek a position in one of these rewarding professions.

Y, I understand there will be vacancies there as those responsible for filling Dear Leader Obama's cabinet will soon be terminated with extreme prejudice promoted to reward them for the excellent job they have done.


{Microphone off}
Q. What's the difference between Obama and Jesus?
A. Jesus was a carpenter; Obama can't assemble a cabinet.

Che Gourmet wrote: I believe that another candidate for the wealth redistribution tech would be a social worker; abeit, already trained in redistribution of wealth.....hmmm....as for the game show hosts, the child-actors have that profession all sewn up tight. Ever see Trivial Pursuit? And can you guess what show he was on?)

An excellent idea, Comrade Che! Perhaps Comrade Obama should require every American to be trained in social work so we will all be able to render assistance on an emergency basis: "So comrade X, I understand you have been laid off and your 401K has dropped 40% in value since yesterday. How does that make you feel?"

Grigori E.R. wrote:Comrade Opiate,

[HIGHLIGHT=#eeece1]INSTRUCTORS AT PEOPLE'S UNIVERSITIES
New courses will need to be developed covering previously ignored and under-appreciated fields of learning:
[/HIGHLIGHT]
Maybe courses in the fine art of Mime?

{Microphone off}
Comrade, mime has no place in our brave new world. Any fool can say nothing while not speaking; Comrade Obama requires comrades who, like himself, can say nothing while appearing to be saying something.

Buenas Dias Amigo Grigori

Nice to be back comrade. It's been an interesting couple of weeks, but I actually feel revitalized, despite everything going on. I'll catch up with you later......much to tell .......hope you're feeling well?

I just got dizzy looking at that Obamessiah poster> DIZZY YET?
Everytime I listen to him (and he's on TV 24/7 these days) I get strangely nauseated.

I'm almost positive this means that I must be close to the Rapture(tm), but I might have picked up a flu bug.......anyway it feels the same. Maybe it's just a coincidence?