Comrades!

Recently there has been a scamming email making its rounds via the Glorious Interweb. You are to ignore this desperate Party scammer™. He is only out to steal Party™ funds. Do not send him Rubles or worthless American fiat dollars. Or Euros....Or EVEN CUBAN PESOS! This so-called "Umaru Mutallab" doesn't exist and even if he does The Party™ demands that he doesn't. Delete it immediately and if it has an attachment don't open it under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! If you find any similar emails please post them in this thread so other Comrades can be made aware of this scam that is threatening the core of the Party™

Here is the text:
~
FROM THE DESK OF:
DR.Umaru Mutallab

HEAD TREASURY DEPARTMENT
NIGERIAN MINISTRY OF ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT.
(LIBERTY BANK HEADQUATERS, LIBERTY HOUSE)
LAGOS, NIGERIA.
Alter;[email protected]

ATTN: Pres. Barack Obama, Sec. Hillary Clinton, USA,

I am DR.Umaru Mutallab , the head of Treasury Department NIGERIAN MINISTRY OF ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT with the liberty Bank of Nigeria Plc. ( liberty Bank Headquarters) liberty House,Lags – Nigeria.
It is with belief and trust that I send you this obvious and sensitive business proposal to enable me and my colleagues remit the sum of USD$20.5 Million (Twenty Million, Five hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only) into your account.

This amount belongs to ENGR. WOLF GANG ANDERSON from Sweden an operation account number 0130648335800 an expatriate with (STRABAG NIGERIA PLC.) and has been operating it since the past 14 years (fourteen years) until November 7th 1996 when he died as a result of plane crash of ADC Airline with the flight number being 747 from Port Harcourt, River State to Lagos at the Ejiri River near Lagos where the incident happened.
Meanwhile, the total sum in the account is now USD$24 Million (Twenty Four Million United States Dollars Only). USD$24 Million was the total sum, USD$20.5 Million amount to be withdrawn, USD$3.5 Million Banks commission interest.
Now we have financially agreed, my colleagues and I to arrange with you a as a reliable foreign partner who will assist us by claiming to be the next of kin to the account owner who died in plane crash. The entire ground work would be carried out by us. We are contacting you because by law, we are precluded from operating any foreign bank account while in service.
If it interests you to assist, please feel free to contact me through the above email addresses for the attention of DR.Umaru Mutallab .

METHOD/MODE OF SHARING:-
A. Total sum with account = USD$24 Million
B. Amount to be withdrawn = USD$20.5 Million
C. Myself and my colleagues = USD$12 Million
D. Account holder (That's you) = USD$7Million
E. Incidential expenses = USD$1.5 Million
F. Banks commission interest = USD$3.5 Million.

Finally, I would highly appreciate it if you could make up your mind for us to do the business, which will be of great mutual benefit to both of us. Thanking you for you kind co-operation and remain blessed as we look forward to hearing from you soonest.

My sincere regard to you.
Best Regards,
DR.Umaru Mutallab

Post Script.
My son Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab is a batshit crazy Islamic Radical planning on blowing up American airline plane with BOMB made by Al QAEDA. HE IS so dumb he flunked AMERICAN SAT FOR COLLEGE ENTRANCE so he went to college in British Isle.
Still, I worry. I hope my stupid son does no harm. My WARNING is in GOOD FAITH Kaffir.
SEND BANK account information NOW OR I WILL SEND another son who is smarter THAN UMAR and is not batshit crazy.
NO WARNING EITHER.
NO KIDDING.
PLAY FOR KEEPSIES.

AGAIN
My sincere regard to you.
Best Regards,
DR.Umaru Mutallab

Comrades,

I have often considered the value of the Nigerian 914 international email and account funding program. So many offers come my way from Nigerians suffering heart palpitations, looming organ failure, rumored coups d'etat, and more that I cannot help my heart from bleeding; my bank accounts do not, however, do likewise, for compassion transcends borders, unlike filthy capitalist exploitation units (CEUs).

However, if the CEUs come from the US Government, they are by definition clean. Moreover, Nigerians suffering from medical problems surely need sanitary conditions and finances. Thus it is clear to me that more US money needs to be pumped back into Nigeria.

At some point, all those well-connected oil ministers, bank presidents, and such will return the people's money (i.e., theirs, which we stole but gave back so they would give back) and thereby end the US national debt. Said condition will allow the US Government to then buy up all private enterprise: Kill the capitalists by playing by their rules!

Of course, it helps to be able to make offers private industries cannot refuse.

Comrades,

I feel this Nigerian's pain. Only by nationalizing all airlines can this man's suffering be alleviated so he can perform the task his Party assigned him.

What, I only stand to make $7 million? No way comrade, I won't settle for a penny less than $7,000,000.49

A man has his pride ya know.

I wish to make a suggestion: why can't the Obama Administration start sending similar emails to random Nigerians? If they are that gullible that they can't get into politicized zombie American colleges, they should fall for this kind of scam in droves! The funds scammed could help pay for ObamaCare^TM or even another wonderful Stimulus^TM (surely victimized Nigerians cannot complain if the funds stolen from them were used for The Common Good^TM!) Think of all the ACORNs that we could employ in creating and sending out the emails! Comrades, this plan could be even more profitable than the Value Added Tax is for Europe.

Comrades,

How many Nigerians are already working for the Social Security Administration? My heart pulsates in AK-47 staccato rhythm to the revelation that thousands of stimulus checks have been sent to the dead! This is a major accomplishment--digging up the vote--done efficiently without the apparent aid of ACORN, now unfairly tagged for abuse in those oh-so-typical right-wing witch-hunts.

I thought Zimbabwe's government bankers were the future, but apparently I had the wrong African nation. Little did I know it would turn out to be the Biafran Republic.

Beware Comrades!

Not all of these scams come from Nigeria!

Some come from India!
I believe Commissar Theocritus should investigate this scammer.
He'll set them straight. (no pun)

I am immune to all of these tricks and I fart contemptuously towards the home countries of the spoofers, for as a good progressive I believe ALL charity is a scam and thus I reject it. The only scams I fall for originate from Party HQ.

Comrade Opiate,

What atheistic heresy is this, "scams"? Unless you want that shovel and/or bullet with your serial number on it, I know you meant to say "dialectical-material explanations."

The only scams I fall for originate from Party HQ.

Opiate, did Obamugabe put you up to this Party™ slander™?
The Party™ never scams, it only directs through the will of the people which is the Party™.
Recently such emails like the one above have been coming out of Zimbabwe.
Feel free to confess. You'll feel much better.

Indeed, perhaps you are falling for scams that originate from the Republican Party HQ, and are disguised as being from The Party(TM). Hmmm much investigating to do. Perhaps a few Jiffi-Lobos are in order here too?

Comrades,

We are very pleased! We just sent all of our bank account information to Dr. Umaru Mutallab!

We are going to be RICH! RICH! RICH!

Signed,

Janyt Woompa Loompa
Security Chieftyss In Charge
The Wombat Factory

Damn it Red Rooster!

Put a STOP ON THAT WIRE!
FREEZE ALL ACCOUNTS!

Who is this Janyet or Janyt you speak of?
Dispatch the Black Maria! Alert Lubiyanka Street!
Does she have ties to Obamugabe?

Prepare the docket! Get out The Party Robes of Revolutionary Justice™.
I feel a Show Trial coming on.

Who is this Comrade Alert? Is he/she/it even a registered Party Member?

I demand explanations!!

Comrade_Tovarich wrote:Comrade Opiate,

What atheistic heresy is this, "scams"? Unless you want that shovel and/or bullet with your serial number on it, I know you meant to say "dialectical-material explanations."

Laika the Space Dog wrote:

The only scams I fall for originate from Party HQ.

Opiate, did Obamugabe put you up to this Party™ slander™?
The Party™ never scams, it only directs through the will of the people which is the Party™.
Recently such emails like the one above have been coming out of Zimbabwe.
Feel free to confess. You'll feel much better.

Comrades, let me initiate a teachable moment here and clarify my use of the word "scam". Back when I was a boy in Minsk (or was it Chicago? They are so similar to me) there was an old fellow who wandered the neighborhood we called "Uncle Boris". In today's parlance, he would be what you would call a "non-domiciled uncompensated neighborhood minor official without portfolio" but in those less progressive days, he was a bum. Anyway, Uncle Boris would often pester folks in the neighborhood for a few kopeks which he said he needed to complete the nuclear weapon he was building behind the pickle works. The elders all knew this was a ruse; Uncle Boris was more than likely using the money to buy fermented borscht from the local bootlegger. In other words, they KNEW it was a scam but they winked and played along with it and give him the few kopeks he sought. Besides, it was better to give him the money and let him buy booze than have him come back late at night and steal all your anti-freeze or brake fluid.

Uncle Boris continued his fundraising for some number of years until suddenly he was gone and we never saw him again. Oddly enough, the pickle works also disappeared around the same time as Uncle Boris. No one knows quite what happened to it - none of us could get close to the site because there was this big concrete barricade all around it. Very strange.

Regardless, the point of my story is this: when I say I only fall for scams from Party HQ, I mean that in the context of my touching little narrative. That is, I give money because I expect that one day all the pickle works in the country will one day mysteriously disappear.

Very touching story of your Uncle Boris Comrade Opie. It remides me of that decadent Western pop song from the 1980s group The Divinyls.
I still fail to see how this relates to Obamugabe.

Laika the Space Dog wrote: I still fail to see how this relates to Obamugabe.

[Sigh] Comrade Laika, I do not understand this obsession you have with Obamugabe. If there is one thing he is NOT interested in, it is pickles. I was talking with him the other day on a secret encrypted radio frequency, and he did NOT say anything about his wanting to dominate the world's pickle markets and turning his country into the OPEC of pickles. And I'm not delivering any bribe incentive money or the like from him to Party officials in this country so that they will look the other way when Obamugabe puts his pickle plan that doesn't exist into action. And neither of us has ever met or spoken to Comrade John Kerry whose wife Theresa Heinz is a member of the Heinz family which it just so happens the eponymous Heinz Corporation by some coincidence has some small connections with brine and cucumbers or something. I don't know how these silly rumors get started.

Wait a minute. Is Obamugabe trying to hoard all the world's pickles for himself? What of those who are entitled to pickles as part of their daily ration? What of the starving preschool children in the inner city ghettos who will go to bed crying for their pickle? What of them? THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

I demand answers! I demand relish for my hot dogs! I wonder where that jar of pickles I redistributed from Pinkie's kitchen cupboard went? (Funny story that one. It involves a wormhole, a mason jar full of moonshine, and an experiment gone wild with a directional beam wormhole antenna. Oh and Pinkie's kitchen. But I digress)

THINK OF THE CHILDREN'S PICKLES COMRADES!

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Laika the Space Dog wrote:Damn it Red Rooster!

Put a STOP ON THAT WIRE!
FREEZE ALL ACCOUNTS!

Who is this Janyet or Janyt you speak of?
Dispatch the Black Maria! Alert Lubiyanka Street!
Does she have ties to Obamugabe?

Prepare the docket! Get out The Party Robes of Revolutionary Justice™.
I feel a Show Trial coming on.

[HIGHLIGHT=#d8d8d8]Great Stalin's Ghost! [/HIGHLIGHT]


Congregating congregations of Janyt Woomba Loomba's got into my secret Party computer account again! Now you send the signal, my tinfoil hat was in for repair and we had a recent visitor at The Wombat Factory...


I was told by Janyt Woompa Loompa#5150 Security Chieftyss In Charge that this comrade was a look-a-like plant for our coo against er hrrrmm I mean our diplomatic relations with the great Obamugabe's empire serene socialist state.

Are you telling me I've been double crossed!?!

Yes Red Rooster, double crossed along with Opie.
Opiate, as you very well know, there are no secret encrypted radio frequencies I can't decipher. This absolves you of any crime and at least you came clean.
You can expect your regular ration of vodka and beets.

Obamugabe, on the other paw, is in a very fine pickle he's got himself into.

Let us assemble The Inner Circle™ of The Party™ and prepare for a show trial.
I believe we have all the evidence we need and if we need anymore we'll have the Wombats manufacture it so they can start the New Year off right and keep up with their Party™ mandated quotas.

TO: Obamugabe
FROM: Anonymous
RE: Jig is up

Obamgabe, somehow the Party found out about our your world pickle domination plan. I think that idiot Kerry may have spilled the beans pickles.

If anyone asks, I never heard of you.

-Opiate

Comrades! I went to Grocery Store #675 today in search of pickles, and there were none! Nor was there any bread, meat, eggs, cheese, milk, condiments, dessert, flour, sugar, salt, cooking oil, or seafood. The vodka aisle was well stocked, and there were some Korean War era Chinese army rations scattered on some end caps. I got very angry, and remembered this was the usual state for Store 675, and that the only reason I stopped there instead of the Special Store for Inner Party(TM) members was that #675 was closer. I went to the Special Store instead... AND NO BUSH DAMNED PICKLES WERE THERE EITHER!

Something fishy is going on around here. Especially when I saw a Lada being loaded up by several Africans, and the backseat was FULL OF PICKLES.

Comrades all this talk of pickles reminds me of an old Soviet era joke...

Q: What's the difference between a cucumber and the Kremlin?

A: With a cucumber the pricks are on the outside!

(Wait, wait, I'm a loyal Party member, let go of me. Where am I being taken?)