It all began when I sold my gas-guzzling Toyota Prius to obtain funds so I can purchase a brand-new wind-powered clean machine that our Dear Leader will be requiring all loyal Party members to drive as soon as the apparatchiks in the Chrysler gulag can get around to designing it. Unbeknownst to me, the purchaser paid me not with Obama-dollars but with toxic mortgage bonds formerly owned by A.I.G.; when these bonds could not be TARPed, TALFed or PPIPed, A.I.G. handed them out to employees as bonuses and stocking stuffers. It was only when I took the box given to me by the purchaser home did I learn that I had been hoodwinked (lesson learned: only campaign contributions should be accepted in sealed containers.)

Once I realized that the paper was valueless (only GM common stock is worth less these days) I decided to use it to filter this week's batch of People's home-made vodka instead of wasting perfectly good toilet paper (Sheryl Crow may be coming by the neighborhood this week and I need to account for all my squares.) Somehow, some toxins from the toxic bonds must've leaped into my vodka because soon after I finished drinking my second quart of the night, I found myself floating near the ceiling above my body. I saw my brother-in-law Barrack (his real name was Elmo but he changed it in honor of our Dear Leader) enter the basement where my still was. I tried to yell out to him to contact EMS but he could not hear me; he proceeded to filch some of my beet supply and swipe some of my tools like he does every Friday night when I distill vodka; he is a true socialist, never taking time away from the People's work of re-distributing wealth.
~
After Barrack left the basement, I floated out of the house and up towards the sky. "This cannot be happening" I thought to myself, for as a socialist I am an atheist and thus do not believe in any existence beyond the physical. But there I was. Well, I thought, if there really is a heaven, I am surely going there for I have spent my life saying and doing the right things. I believe in social justice, equality, re-distribution of wealth and I hate evil. I fully expected to shortly be joining Marx, Lenin and Stalin in the light of Progressive paradise where we would all spend eternity praising the holy redeemer Obama.

Instead, I found myself descending into a dark nether world, a world filled with SUVs, 3 Martini lunches and male bosses sexually harrassing female secretaries. Strict constructionist Supreme Court judges lingered in dark corners and practitioners of traditional values hissed at me from the darkness. It was horrifying but it gradually began to dawn on me I was going not to Progressive Utopia but to Capitalist HELL! "This is an OUTRAGE!", I screamed at the top of my lungs; but, there were no sympathetic activist groups or MSM journalists nearby to grant me succor or TV time. Just the cacophony of the screeches hard-working plumbers and catcalls of Red State governors steadily increasing as I descended relentlessly into counter-Revolutionary darkness.

Then it happened; I saw the most hideous sight a Progressive could ever see. I saw a Capitalist Pig! He looked just as depicted in our glorious economic and history books, an obese pink-skinned porcine creature wearing a pin-stripe suit and top hat both emblazoned with dollar signs. He smoked a pollution-spewing fat cigar that would surely draw a big EPA fine if the EPA had dared to venture here. I am sure he also had a monocle and a gold pocket watch (no iPhone, naturally.) I knew I had reached the depths of capitalist hell for I was about to meet its demon.

"Well, Opiate, I see you've finally arrived! Welcome!"

"You.... you've been waiting for me???", I stammered.

"Yes, of course! We have something very special planned for you!"

"ME? Why me? I am a loyal progressive! I support affirmative action, I believe firmly in the re-distribution of wealth and I go out of my way to lecture people in movie theatres who laugh at racist or sexist jokes! WHY ME?"

"Well, that's the point, Opiate. You ARE a hard-core Progressive and we want to use you as an example!"

I sensed that I was in deep Bush here. The evil demon had me cornered in his lair and was about to do something ghastly to me. I remembered reading once a tale about the NDE of a man who had found himself in a similar predicament, surrounded by evil demons who were about to tear him asunder. Instinctively, he called out to his god who magically appeared in a blaze of light, drove off the demons and and rescued him. I thought to myself, "Hey, it's worth a shot, it's not like one of Sonia Sotomayor's wise Latina woman's experiences are gonna bail me out of this." I gathered a breath and yelled with all my might, "OBAMA, WISE OBAMA, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, I'M A LOYAL SOCIALIST SOLDIER!!!! PLEASE SMITE THIS SWINISH BEAST AND SAVE ME FROM THIS DEMONIC HELL!!!!!"

But nothing happened.

"Oh, be quiet, Opiate, Obama's not going to help you", chided the pig.

"You lie, bacon-for-brains! Obama is ALL powerful! He lowers rivers and raises taxes! He can make trillions of dollars appear with one phone call to Tim Geithner! He can take large car companies and crush them with his bare hands into small car companies!"

"Opiate, you're correct that Obama would smite me if he thought I were an overly inquisitive plumber or a former AIG executive who accepted a legally proffered bonus. However, through the wonders of modern spiritualist technology, I've got Obama convinced I am a Islamic terrorist looking to buy nuclear weapons from North Korea. The President/Messiah has invited me to have dinner at the White House so he can apologize to me for his country's insults to Islam."

"Whaaaa? I don't believe you. Don't think you can give me Swine Flu and tell me it's H1N1, Porky! I am wise to your demonic tricks!"

"You're wrong, Opiate. On foreign policy, Obama is a pussy... cat. Ever notice that slogan on the plaque in the Oval Office?"

"You mean the one that says 'I Won'?"

"No, the other one."

"Veni, Vidi, Vichy?"

"Yes, it means 'I came, I saw, I surrendered.'"

"Ummm, yeah, that sounds like something Dear Leader would say."

"He makes Neville Chamberlain look like Attila the Hun."

"Yes [sigh] that is the Obama way, to kiss up to one's enemies and screw one's friends. Okay, Pork-Butt, I guess you got me. So what are you going to do to me? Tear me to pieces and feed my flesh to misogynist males drinking beer in sports bars? Force me to take out short term loans at high interest rates and then pile on the fees? Make me listen to Rush Limbaugh????"

"No, no, nothing like that, Opiate. We want you to perform a little experiment."

"You wingnuts never change. Dr. Mengele is down here and he's going to have me trade brains with a Newt Gingrich, eh?"

"No, please allow me to explain. We want to prove to you that socialism does not work. If we can do that convincingly, we can send you back to earth and have you give the message of freedom and liberty to the rest of the people of the world. We've observed those who have had non-economic NDEs have returned to earth and changed radically and affected the people around them in a positive manner. We belive the same can happen with you."

"Socialism doesn't work???? Nice try, spare rib. Next thing you'll be telling me is government can't run businesses properly and I'll say, 'What about AMTRAK and the Post Office, Tubbo?' HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Humor me, please, Opiate."

With that, the capitalist pig waved his hoof and we found ourselves in Washington DC in the year 2012 in the middle of Obama's reelection campaign. On the White House lawn, I saw hundreds of people carrying stuff and putting it in big piles on the green. There were piles of jewelry, cash, paintings, stocks and bonds, all manner of cars and boats, deeds to villas in beautiful and exotic places, etc. All of this and so much more, just being piled up like it was so much dirty laundry. I turned to the capitalist pig...

"What's going on here, tapeworm-breath? You havin' a garage sale or something?"

"No, Opiate, this is all Obama's idea. He has decided in the interest of fairness that all the wealth in the country has to be re-distributed. So, he has commanded that everyone bring everything they own to their nearest National Re-Distribution Center (A Division of Anti-WalMart Industries) where it will be counted, sorted, assessed and/or liquidated as need be. Once this work has been finished, the results will be tabulated, analyzed, categorized and immunized until a grand total is obtained. Then, each person in the country (including undocumented aliens) will be given an equal piece of the resulting pie. When this is done, all wealth will be re-distributed equally. No one will have an advantage over anyone else. All will be equal. Isn't that wonderful, Opiate?"

"They didn't take my still, did they?"

"No, after they found your body, nobody wanted that. Didn't anyone explain to you you can't use lead solder on the joints? Didn't anyone tell you that heating the mixture with ammonium perchlorate (solid rocket fuel) is dangerous?"

"I majored in sociology, not chemistry."

"'Nuff said. Anyway, so what do you think? Everyone will now be equal! No need for greed or hunger, a brother and sister hood of men."

Tears welled up in my eyes. "[Sniff, sniff] Oh, pig-face, I AM so happy now, for now we can have true Utopia. No one will have to work anymore, we'll just all sit around making Obama hand-puppets, watch Oprah and listen to 60s folk songs on our iPods. Our dreams have come true."

"Oprah?", said the pig. "What the hell makes you think Oprah will be on? What the hell makes you think ANYTHING will be on? There's no need to work so who's going to produce stupid TV programs? Who's going to generate electricity to run TV stations to broadcast TV programs if there were any to broadcast? Who the hell is going to make iPods?"

"The Chinese????"

"Hahahahahahaha! The Chinese are CAPITALISTS, my dear Opiate. They can't be bothered trading with a bunch of lazy slug socialists who sit around and watch Oprah all day. Amerikka no longer has anything they need since the Democrats banned all oil and coal production in 2010."

"Bummer. Well, time to go yet?"

"Not yet, Opiate. Look around you at the people here. You say you are a progressive and believe in equality of outcomes. Okay, look at these people. They run the gamut from the miserable to the sublime. From drunks, drug addicts and just plain ne'er do wells all the way up to corporate titans, inventors, scientists. The brainy and the brainless. The ambitious and the lacksidasical. The guys and gals of limited talent who worked like dogs to overachieve and be successful all the way down to the sad, gifted failures. Think about it, Opiate. All of these will soon be granted an exactly equal portion of America's wealth. Everyone will be equal, at last."

"Yep, sounds good."

"Let me ask you a question: fast forward in your mind 10 years from now. What is the probability that 10 years from this glorious day all these people will STILL be equal?"

As the pig spoke, my mind raced, which is not easy for something that has endured so much home-made vodka to do. I saw the futures of all of these people and it startled me. "Well, I guess there's no chance they'll still be equal 10 years from now, pig."

"Why not?"

"Well, the drunks will spend their money on booze, the druggies will spend their wealth on drugs and the lazy people will go back to being lazy. The business types will invest their money in new companies and the inventors and scientists will create new products and stuff for the good of the world. It really won't change anyone, they'll just go back to being who they are. Everybody is different."

"SO HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT TO HAVE EQUALITY OF OUTCOMES WHEN THE F*CKING INPUTS ARE RADICALLY DIFFERENT?????"

When the pig spoke those words, it all became clear to me. Socialism was stupid. It would never work. It takes wealth from those who would use it creatively and efficiently and give it to those who... won't. It is basically a scheme to buy votes by making people think they are entitled to something they really are not entitled to. The world does not owe us a living. The world does not even give a shit that we are here. It is all one big hypocritical sham.

"Excellent, Opiate!" The pig overheard my thoughts (or maybe I was talking out loud.... that damn home-made vodka again.) Now that you have learned the truth, go back to earth and tell the people before it's too late and that idiot Obama makes a mess out of everything. And STAY AWAY FROM THAT DAMN STILL!!!!

I awoke back in my body, which had remained on the floor near the still. I spied my brother-in-law Barrack who had come back for more of my beets. My wife Michelle had called the paramedics who had finally arrived after five hours (love that single-payer health care) and they proceded to steal whatever tools Barrack had failed to take. But no matter. I have a new sense of purpose in life, a new reason to live.

And I have a message to share with you all: SOCIALISM IS GREAT! PROGRESSIVISM IS THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE! EQUALITY OF OUTCOMES! YAHOO! OBAMA TRULY IS THE MESSIAH! I guess the pig forgot one important fact about us; when facts conflict with our beliefs, we discard the facts. Oh well. And, one more thing: we don't learn from our mistakes. Time to light the still.

THE END.

Comrade Opiate, a glorious tale. I praise Stalin's ghost that you are still among the live voters instead of the necro voters.

Can I have some vodka? I wish to take a bunch of Red Guards with me and storm Capitalist Hell. Perhaps there is loot.

Bravo comrade Opiate, an excellent bedtime story. That silly pig, people don't change no matter what. Every fellow traveler knows that reality is a poor substitute for your delusions.

I also had a problem with my old copper still. Sometimes the white dog (er, vodka) would come out green as a result of the corrosion. So I built my new still using all stainless steel parts. Now my bounty is crystal clear. Umm, if any ATF guys are reading this, I'd never drink that stuff without paying the tax. I ummm, use it for motor fuel, yeah, that's the ticket, I'm just helping to make America energy independent. Although some folks say you can go further with it in your stomach than your gas tank.

Comrade Whoopie wrote: I also had a problem with my old copper still. Sometimes the white dog (er, vodka) would come out green as a result of the corrosion. So I built my new still using all stainless steel parts. Now my bounty is crystal clear. Umm, if any ATF guys are reading this, I'd never drink that stuff without paying the tax. I ummm, use it for motor fuel, yeah, that's the ticket, I'm just helping to make America energy independent. Although some folks say you can go further with it in your stomach than your gas tank.

Of course, a good citizen must pay tax on motor fuel, at least here in the People's Republic of Corzania they do. I don't burn it in my car (which I no longer have anyway) but instead I use this brew for..... heating fuel, yes, that's the ticket! No tax on heating fuel in Corzania (yet.) But of course, this combustion increases global warming climate change which is double-plus ungood. Mmmmm, well, we really don't heat the hovel anymore, we just use the brew for..... medicinal purposes, yes, now I remember! Since commandant, I mean, Dear Leader Obama has to decided to reduce health care costs, we've decided to help the cause by self-medicating with ethanol. A lot. I mean, I need a lot of medication. Everybody here in the People's Republic of Corzania needs lots of medication. WE JUST DO, THAT'S ALL. (No, I don't have the DTs, there really ARE pink elephants living with me.)

"Veni, Vidi, Vichy?"

Classic.

Comrades, the most equal and caring officials at BATFE (Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. Should be a convenience store, not a government agency.) say that you must even license a still for fuel production. Such is the Will of The State(TM). We must know who is trying to be independent after all.

Colonel 7.62, last time I checked, small stills (one gallon or less) are exempt from all regulation. Large stills require manufacturers who sell them to keep a list of purchasers which must be turned over to the ATF if requested in writing.

There is no federal law against building a still of any size which might be used to purify water, recycle solvents or extract plant essences. It's not even unlawful to distill alcohol however a tax of $2 per bottle (for 80 proof) must be paid if you intend to drink it. Alcohol made as a fuel is tax exempt, the evil Bush regime having mandated that as a way to promote ethanol fuel production.

Recently the ATF has begun licensing micro distilleries that only produce a few bottles of specialty liquors for local sale during the holidays. The still must pass local fire code inspections, the owner must pay for a brewer's license from the ATF and then account for the bottles he sells and remit the appropriate tax to the ATF depending on the proof level of product. The bottler must also submit artwork for the label with the required health warnings which, if approved, is then registered with the ATF.

More details comrades. I just checked, the current federal excise tax on a bottle of 80 proof liquor is $2.14 an ATF license to produce alcohol for retail sale is $1,000 per year. Bear in mind that State taxes also apply to each bottle sold.

Also, depending on the alcohol content of the mash, a one gallon still will produce about one pint of 80~90 proof product per run.

So if you have the intellect of the typical hillbilly and need some fuel to help you mow your lawn this is a fine way to curb our dependence on foreign oil.

Komissar Blogunov wrote:

OP, I had begun to become deeply concerned about your NDE until I read to the end. Aren't you glad your statist education sustained you through this horrifying ordeal? Count your Darwin-given blessings by considering the hideous alternatives: You might have been home schooled and encouraged to develop your talents and abilities and to excel, or you might have gone to a Christian school and been told Jesus, and not Obama, is the real Messiah. You might even have learned history. Doesn't it make your palms sweat just thinking of what might have happened?

Jebus??? History???? What the hell are you talking about?

What I find truly disturbing is that some of these mis-educated crackpots do something called "think for themselves" in which they actually engage in unsupervised pondering without the aid of media or official guidance! If true, this COULD BE VERY DANGEROUS! What if someone came up with an unapproved incorrect thought? What if this were spread to others as gossip or idle rumor? The ramifications could be CATASTROPHIC! Oh, my Obama.... my head is spinning and my heart is palpitating. The whole idea scares me. I must go lie down until I can get control of myself.....