Comrades, admit it, when you saw the title Denouncement Cells for this thread I know many of you let loose certain bodily fluids as you thought back to your initial time at the Karl Marx Re-Education Center. Of course, that was back before you learned the true freedom that comes from being a part of the collective.

But that is not what we are here for Comrades. No, I am very sad to report that denunciations are down 27.8% so far this year! Of course we know this can be expected given the denunciation recession we inherited from the Bushitler, the worse denunciation recession since the late twenties! However, I would also like to think that some of this drop is due to the progress that MiniLove and the Party has made in winning the sheeple's support with the ascension of the Obama.
<br>However, there have been those who feel that those few thousand of so who have not yet been rescued by the first or second Porkulus Bills that may be still struggling with their mortgage payments, and buying their beet, booze, andr drug bills. To do everything we can to reach those who find themselves in this predicament, and Because We Care­™, the Party now offers Free Cellular Phones for the less equal proles.

Now I hear you complaining already that the free phone only comes with only 70 minutes free per month. But I must remind you that any unused minutes can be rolled over, and if you don't think this enough, consider these facts: Red Rooster clocked in with a respectable 163 denunciations in his initial intake at the KMRC. Comrade Betinov managed 264 with time left to call in for a Jiffy-Lobo checkup on his brain.... which is of course all he has left.


Yet as impressive as that is, I came in second for the world record! It came the evening of the election night as the World of Next Tuesday bore fruit when Commissar Theocritus and I had a friendly contest and I beat Commissar Theocritus by 3. I denounced 1,384 comrades to his 1381! However, he managed to have 4 of my denunciations disqualified since I had already denounced my mother, brother, and sister, not to mention my father who died many years ago. And I must also point out, that each and every one of them were found guilty of no less than a Class A ThoughtCrime™..... every last one of them! (Only later did I discover that Commissar Theocritus had also denounced Bruno multiple times as well before I discovered how effective she-he-it is at disguise when properly motivated... that dirty thieving cheating Commissar Theocritus!) Of course, this is the sort of "more equal" effort that separates us Marshals, Commissars, and other Inner Circle Comrades from others.

Now you see the sort of things we are doing with OPM.... free phones for the proles! So get going Comrades! I want to hear those phones ringing!

I thought that the idea of just giving homeless schizophrenics a Blue Tooth ear piece to make them more socially acceptable was a brilliant idea. Now when they wander around muttering to themselves people will think they're on the phone.

Why do they even need working cell phones? The voices they already hear in their head are beamed there by our celebrity space doggie. So they always have the current truth, which is more than I can say for some people in this forum.

Oh goody! A Stimulus program to envigorate the denouncement economy!

I hereby denounce...

Charles Atlas - no one should have a better body than the rest of the collective!
Albert Einstein - E=mc² is unfair! It should be E=m=c.
Sanity - I have no use for this bourgeois concept
Burger King - I don't want my burger my way! The state should decide for me!
Anti-psychotic drugs - using them makes me doubt my Progressive political beliefs.
Charcoal - It's black but burning it turns it white! That's RAAAAACIST!
Socks - the things on my feet or Bill Clinton's cat.... I haven't made up my mind yet.
SUV's - three capital letters in a row is the height of capitalist arrogance.
Saturn - how dare it flaunt those stupid rings?
Power tools - where are the power-to-the-people tools?

Comrade Opiate, I simply have to commend you for those denunciations. I especially appreciated the Sanity, Burger King, and Charcoal cases, and I can assure you, all three will be shown the People's Justice!

I denounce Papa Murphy's Take and Bake Pizza. One actually has to *pay* before one can take, and what of those who don't have ovens, or feel better about baking their pizza at 700 degrees instead of 350? Not only are the number confusing, but home baking cause unequal results.

I also denounce Colt's Patent Firearms Manufacturing Company. Aside from the fact they sell guns, they are also attempting to usurp the equality business from The Party(TM). "God made man, but Sam Colt made man equal." We all know the truth is "Man evolved over a long period of time starting from single celled organisms that spontaneously came into being, and Karl Marx made man equal". I further denounce shorter and easier to remember catchphrases that are not deployed by The Party(TM).

I denounce all free roaming crawfish, as they all to often give a man a way to feed himself without the help of the party, thus creating an independent, self sufficient attitude that must be squelched, spat upon and punished wherever detected.

I denounce Comrades Leninka, Colonol 7.62, and Opiate of the People for failure to obtain the free cell phones offered by the Party for such purposes! You three think I do not know who has and who has not? Or perhaps you three feel that you have been blessed by the Party with enough material goods that you do not need these free cell phones offered for the less equal prole? Well Comrades, we can adjust that attitude in a Lenin minute!

I denounce free cell phones, especially the "free" part. Communications should be difficult and expensive and thus reserved for only the highest echelons of leadership conducting official business. Ordinary proles have no need to speak to each other outside of work and official party gatherings; allowing non-essential speech simply encourages sloth and adds poisonous carbon dioxide to the atmosphere. Proles free time should instead be spent studying Marx or tending to beet gardens.

Okay, I'll get a free cell phone. However, I denounce all of you for revealing your superior intelligence to mine, and therefore, are not dumbing down your posts to my level so we can all be equal.

I denounce Leninka for accusing others of his own crimes; he denounced the rest of us for superior intelligence while he was the only one with enough brains to accept a free cell phone! An obvioius case of the pot calling the kettle "intelligent", eh Comrade Leninka????

I denounce Comrade Opiate for getting my sexual orientation completely wrong. Although, I am flattered that you thought I was a man. You can be assured that if you were to show me yours, I wouldn't have one to show you. The only reason I took the cell phone is because I am a made prog leach. However, with that said, of course, we are all equal.

However, with that said, I denounce you yet again for the time you spent away from the gulag thinking up 99 points of trivia about the Congress! Our glorious system does not need comrades who pay attention to what members of the inner circle are doing, but rather ones who look away, and keep to their digging!

Leninka wrote:I denounce Comrade Opiate for getting my sexual orientation completely wrong. Although, I am flattered that you thought I was a man.

Ah! You can't be a womyn because no progressive womyn would be flattered to be mistaken for a man! It would be regarded as an insult by a true progressive womyn.

A further test: you claim you are a womyn. If so, tell the Politburo what you think of the Empress Michelle's outfit....

The best substitute a closet gay man could find in the form of a real female Michelle's gaudy color combination of fire engine orange with a sea green sweater and shoes outrivals the Many Titted Empress in her choice of clothing lovely dress would be better matched by the shoes the cook is wearing will surely fetch as much money at auction one day, for her favorite charity, as Lady Di's clothing did after her death.

Opiate of the People wrote:I denounce free cell phones, especially the "free" part. Communications should be difficult and expensive and thus reserved for only the highest echelons of leadership conducting official business.

So, soon to be "redistributed" Opiate of the People, you apparently choose "to think" rather than listen to the directions provided for you by the Party. Clearly you have also failed to consider that these free cell phones were produced, by fellow proles, in order to keep the masses busy, use up natural resources that otherwise could be put to use raising their standard of living thus leading to an unhealthy desire for yet more "luxuries" such as real meat, soap, clothing etc. - all for the desired goal of increased denunciations and Lenin only knows (along with myself and other Inner Circle more equals) what other tabs we can keep on the users of these phones. This is a most dangerous path you are treading Comrade.

Perhaps Comrade Opiate should use some of his daily ration of FreeTime(TM) to ponder the error of his thinking? Last I checked (three seconds ago) he is up to 15 minutes of Party Approved FreeTime(TM) with which to engage in various uncategorized Party Approved activities. Although I suppose Self Examination and Denunciation should be factored into the regular allotment of time...

Comrade Colonel, I am embarrassed to say that I need some further information as well. I do recall your being elevated to Commissar of Time and many of the memo's that crossed my desk, but I do not recall this "Free" Time being discussed. As you know, "free" is a word that can be fraught with promise AND ThoughtCrime™.

Am I correct to understand that this FreeTime™ is only to be used to engage in Party Approved, or as in your suggestion above for Comrade Opiate, mandated activity?

There are many divisions of Time now being administered, and one of them is in fact "Free Time" where one is "free" to "chose" any of the various Party Approved(TM) activities that might be available to them, or to spend additional time on Party Mandated activities. Just like proles could "freely travel" in the old USSR, so do we have "free time". It's free, as long as you don't actually do anything you couldn't otherwise do. Think of it as the choice of reading Pravda, or tuning in to State run radio in the morning over your ersatz coffee.

I denounce the MSM for reporting on the fictional congressional districts cited on the recovery.gov site. I mean, come on! Haven't they heard of rewriting history? How hard could it be to change PeoplePedia to show 99 congressional districts in California?

I denounce LENINKA for keeping the same avatar, hair style, beard, etc. since the last time I got shipped off to the KMTC. Seriously. It's not like I make it to the Cube as often as I used to. Is it really THAT hard to have a new avatar every time???

I denounce myself for spending too much time riding the rails of The People's Bahn instead of denouncing comrades at TPC.

Lastly, I'd like to denounce God for making this all possible. I couldn't have done it without Him...

-COV

What!! I was just wondering today. Whatever happened to Commissar Obamissar V, and then you show up, like a bad ruble.

I denounce COMMISSAR OBAMISSAR V for not reporting more regularly, and missing my back and forth hair changes! You just happened to return when it was in its original state.

Hey baby! Want me to comb the beet crumbs out of your 'stache??

I'll make a better effort at visiting the collective. Nice bows, btw.

Only if you get me an extra ration of vodka, Commissar. As for the bow ties, flattery will get you everywhere.

Just to keep you up on my hairdos, in case you missed them:

Here's the one I had to honor Michael Jackson and his best friend Elizabeth Taylor:


And here I am during the show trial after Comrade Pinkie demanded my pigtails:


And, of course, here I am as a lollipop for Archie McPhee:

Leninka you are master of morph with best features of both Boris and Natasha. Reminds of me famous Slovenia Night Live skit of Patinski. You must immediately infiltrate fertile area of trans gender blackmail and espionage.

Thank you, Comrade Gulag, I love making myself completely unrecognizable, and attended the Democrat National Convention in 2004 with narry a second look. But I do sometimes wonder if that evil Rethuglican Ann Coulter was speaking of me:

"My pretty-girl allies stick out like a sore thumb amongst the corn-fed, no make-up, natural fiber, no-bra needing, sandal-wearing, hirsute, somewhat fragrant hippie-chick pie wagons they call "women" at the Democratic National Convention."

When are you all going to get with the program and use the People's Cell phones? Must I denounce everyone?? Did you forget, the phones do come with roll over minutes for rolling over if you get my drift! I mean, you are all doing wonderfully in denouncing, but for Lenin's sake, use the phone! How else can I get my percentage document the effectiveness to the Inner Circle?

Comrade Marshall, I already have a cell plan, that of course *never* runs out of airtime. I think I deserve, nay am ENTITLED to an exemption here. Besides, if you need to document the effectiveness of the plan,file form Temporal-Beta33-29zz2 and I'll get your report from 6 months into the future. What would you like it to say?

Comrade Colonel, what we have here is a failure to communicate. So let me make it clearer to you. So, you don't feel like you have a need for a People's Cell phone, that you are satisfied with the one you have. This is immaterial. The Party has determined that you need this phone. I suppose you think you don't need the Party's Healthcare plan as well? Again, immaterial. The Party has determined that you need the Party's Healthcare plan, and will shove it down your throat. Now of course, you could continue to reject what the Party has decided you need, which of course means you will be forced to pay the non-usage tax, which is quite steep, or be forced into the gulag for an indeterminate time. So what would you like to say?

I say as a Commissar, I'm exempt from the standard Party Health Plan, and should also be exempt from the cellphone plan as well. All the while of course insisting the proles get both.

BTW, did you know there is a large sack of OPM in your *very near* future Comrade Pupovich? Yes, it seems to have fallen off a truck, and my temporal scanners picked it up. I would suggest looking just outside of your door within the next 5 minutes, or at least turning your security cameras that way in case you fear a bomb.

Colonel 7.62 wrote:I say as a Commissar, I'm exempt from the standard Party Health Plan.....

Commissar? Exempt??? Er...I presumed that as having served as Commissar of Time. would have surely been aware of what has been taking place in Inner Circle circles?? Dear Lenin, I do hope I haven't let the cat out the bag too soon!

Of course, should that load of OPM that you mentioned should appear....in time... I suppose I might still be able to er... change some.... well, let me worry about that.

Comrade Marshal, the problem is sometimes I see what has been, what will be, and what might be. Sometimes it is a bit confusing which is which. Perhaps your denouncement cells were mistaken for "what might be". Eh, such is life, and why we all keep plenty of OPM around, right Comrade?

Colonel 7.62,

As for the "what will be" part, can you tell me how many pounds I will have gained between today's meal and New Year's Day?

I could Comrade Leninka, but I see you haven't filed the proper paperwork yet.

Comrade Colonel, a load of OPM with your fingerprints on it arrived just in the nick of time. I am pleased to report to you that I have managed to persuade some others to forgo their plans for you.

Everything I do happens "just in time". Glorious, is it not? Now then, since mammograms are no longer recommended for women under 50, I see there will be some extra time to redistribute shortly. Who has need of some extra time? File the appropriate paperwork for consideration.

I was thinking....given this extra time these wimmin will now have on their hands, not to mention their longer life spans under the benefits of the Obamacare Health Plan, is it not clear that they should have to pay a Time Tax™ to compensate the People not to mention the increased carbon footprint their increased life span will cause? Yes...it is all too clear.