Epidemic of Companion Animal Disappearances Besieges U.S.

It was a cloudy, overcast mid-November morning just before Thanksgiving when Roseanne-Cher Moonbatt's daughter Freelunch suddenly began screaming at the top of her lungs and crying, "Mommy, mommy, it's gone!!! WAAAAH!" The 27-year old had been re-checking her student loan account online and was disappointed to find her huge balance due had not magically gone away as she was hoping.

But her distress turned to horror when she looked out the basement window and discovered her pet unicorn Hopealong-Changedy had disappeared without a trace. The animal was a gift from the 2008 Obama campaign where she had worked as an unpaid Twitterer and, along with her degree in Justin Beiber Studies, was one of her most prized posessions.

Ms. Moonbatt herself could empathize; her own pet unicorn, Kerry, had gone missing a few months earlier, just shortly after the green energy startup she worked at and invested her life savings in, had declared bankruptcy and was sold for pennies on the dollar to a Chinese conglomerate.

"I left Kerry in the back seat of my Volt in the company parking lot and went into the office. Once inside, the boss told us everyone had been laid off and to go home. So I walked back to my car and found Kerry was gone. No sign of him anywhere, even though the doors were locked and the alarm armed. It's like he vanished into thin air."

Unfortunately, unexplained vanishings such as these are not isolated cases. Authorities, experts, and prize-winning journalists alike are perplexed by the increasing number of such incidents occuring since the joyous re-election of Barack Obama on Nov. 6.

The scenario is generally the same: soon after an unexpected setback occurs to the owner, he or she goes to check on the animal and discovers it is missing. No strangers or unusual activity is observed in the area before or after the event. No flying saucers or crop circles are noticed at the scene, ruling out abduction by ETs. No ransom notes or calls are received, ruling out kidnappers. No bodies or remains are found, ruling out poachers or one-star restaurant chefs. The animals simply disappear as if they were never there.
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What's more troubling is that the victims are no longer just unimportant people like Ms. Moonbatt and her daughter; high-profile Party figures have lately fallen prey to the phenomena. Spokespersons for Party elder statesman Ed Koch told us privately that the former mayor's unicorn Carter recently disappeared, shortly after Dear Leader Obama announced his selection of Chuck Hagel to replace the outgoing Leon Panetta.

Almost simultaneously, renowned defense attorney and Harvard Law professor Alan Dershowitz also lost a pet, raising suspicions that the disappearances were perpetrated by Nazi Romney operatives seeking revenge on loyal Jewish supporters of President Obama. This theory has not gained much credence in spite of the media's best efforts to promote it.

And now the bizarre losses have begun to affect corporations, as well: The NY Times recently had a string of polo unicorns disappear mysteriously days before a whole herd of the animals vanished from the studios of Current TV while soon-to-be-former employees had their backs turned.

Government officials at all levels are clueless. No help can be expected soon for the grieving former owners, and the number of victims is sure to increase.

"It's not fair," cried Freelunch Moonbatt; "I KNOW I had a pet unicorn, I KNOW IT! But it's gone and nobody can tell me where it is or when it's coming back! WAAAAH! Who took my Cheetos?"

"Reality sucks!" said one man whose pet unicorn disappeared after his first 2013 paycheck presented him with a substantial tax increase.

"Reality is a Nazi, racist, right-wing, rich white man's plot to keep us enslaved and kill our unicorns!" spoke a well-known multi-millionaire movie maker, who is currently contesting multiple lawsuits accusing him of cheating investors and employees of his production company. "We'll never change the world for the better unless we completely get rid of it, once and for all."

Sounds like a plan.
 

Exceptionally equal reporting of this phenomenon.
 

“He made a promise to rebuild on national television, and I can’t even get this money. It’s heartbreaking, really.”


 

First we have the MTE stumbling around drunk and faking "blood clots". Then we have the return of the ravenous First Horse once again strapping on the feedbag and forcing lobsters to run and hide for their lives. And now this ?! What's this progressive utopia coming to?!
 

I can't understand all this fuss. My unicorn is just fine!




 

Opiate,

Do not be distressed, our unicorn friends are journeying to North Korea in order complete a pilgrimage to their long lost home, do you not remember the glorious unveiling of the ancient lair? Fortunately, some of the top party-approved representatives are searching to return the unicorns now, THERE IS NO NEED TO FEAR COMRADES!




 

Indeed, it was I - your humble Party R.O.C.K. - who reported this mere days weeks months ago here in the People's Blog.

I have it from top North Korean progressive sources (transmitted directly through Laika the Space Dog) that the unicorns currently on pilgrimage are being well treated and well fed, and in fact - in a gesture of good will so typical of both Kim Jong Un and his father - several of them were allowed to visit South Korea for the making of a new PSY dance/rock video.

Comrades, I have seen cuts from the video, and trust me when I say that you have not lived until you've seen a chorus line of Gangnam-Style dancing unicorns!
 

I can confirm Komrade R.O.C.K.'s report as I have also received reports from Laika. It appears that the North Koreans are very delighted in the return of the unicorns. In fact, one was the guest of honor at Dear Leader Kim Jong Un's palace, as it was stated that Un "had him for dinner." Also, the unicorns seem to have had the effect of increasing harvest and overall food supplies, as it has been reported that the people are overjoyed that a large supply of fresh meat is now available at the government market. Leather goods, once very limited, are now widely availabe, too! How remarkable the good fortune the unicorns have brought!
 

We must create a system of unicorn security facilities to keep these vital assets safe from predatition by evil Capitalist hyenas and other scavengers.




I propose founding the General Unicorn Lodging And Guarding System to protect our Hope and Change. A good GULAG system is what we need for State Security.
 

Maybe they've all gone to "Candy Mountain."