Comrades,

Recently it came to my attention that as-yet-unidentified reactionaries in Australia, apparently bought-and-paid for by the CIA in its ever-subservient role to Yankee Big Capitalism, alleged that red M&Ms oppressed and exploited the other M&Ms of the rainbow. Moreover, it was maliciously claimed that the Red M&M's behavior was causing children to oppress and exploit each other in similarly repulsive, intolerant, and all-round capitalistic ways. Despite his/her/its progressive color, Red has a biography that includes the claim that Red "…has been telling people what to do his whole life," an undeniably fascist trait, seen in such war criminals as George Bush (Sr. and Jr.) and Australia's own John Howard.

After two months of exacting research into the discourse of M&Ms in capitalist propaganda, the Australia's Advertising Standards Bureau subsequently dismissed the complaints.

Yet the damage has surely been done, with many parents now subliminally primed to oppose anything Red which comes their children's way.
~
In doing my part to keep abreast of the reactionary movement in order to subvert it in the best way possible, I maintain faux relationships--selflessly so other comrades do not have to--with elements of Their Kind. In an attempt to lure one such fascist into admitting his role in the Vast Rightwing Conspiracy, I brought up this story from Down Under. Rather than acknowledge the Red angle, the crafty bigoted devil instead shifted gears to the Green M&M:

"Isn't it nice that we can indulge in such banal concerns while Turd World savages prepare to slaughter us all? You know, [highlight=#ffffff]Green[/highlight] is the color of Islam, so maybe I should pointedly eat all the Green M&Ms first to show I will not accept 'dhimmihood.' Better yet, I'll just yell, 'Allah snackbar!' each time I crunch one. Do you think they're halal?"

Comrades, I must confess I was undone on multiple levels: the Red-baiting had failed; Green-bashing was flagrantly indulged in; Islam was insulted out of typical Christofascist ignorance and bigotry, yet enough cunning showed through to employ the word halal in a shrewd move employed to ape cultural awareness and deflect charges of xenophobia. Rendered speechless, my hands twitching, throat instantly dry, I could only take a proffered M&M in order to collect my composure. It wasn't until I had chewed it to a pulp that I realized I had grabbed a progressive Blue.

Thanks be to Lenin for the Glorious World of Next Tuesday, for this Tuesday has been painful.

Comrade Tovarich, (or would that be Tovarich Comrade?) Your efforts will be recognized by the central planning committee, indeed. You will be easy to spot as the Blue M&Ms cause weight gain of .5 kilos per... Take it easy on those bad boys.

Also, for the record, I am grateful for your perpetual caring, which by your good graces allows me not to have to. You must be working overtime, as I find I care less and less each day. Why, just his evening, Dear Leader (PBUH) was pontificating reciting his State of the Teleprompter Union address (I hear the only way he could get Moochele to attend was to tell her it was the "State of the Onion Rings" address) and honest to Lenin, I thought to myself "Who gives a flyin' cares?" or something to that effect... Clearly this is your doing!

Keep up the great work, we can take a break next Tuesday!

Comrades,

Comrade Krasnodar, the inspiring Blue M&M design has alleviated some of my post-consumption blues. In fact, it brought to my aging mind the ChooseTheBlue! groupthink from 2004, a site that encouraged voters to spend their Capitalist Exploitation Units at Blue firms, Party-funding firms. It is with heavy heart that I report the preceding link (dated) goes to a fascist reactionary site (still fascist and reactionary) that references ChooseTheBlue! The reason I must provide an indirect link is that ChooseTheBlue.com URL is now for "2012 © Online Degrees, Online Diplomas & Online Schools." How ChooseTheBlue.com could become ChooseTheU.com (for-profit education, pshaw!) is an explanation this Party donor can barely amass the will to contemplate.

Comrade Tovarichi, I strive ever to display Maximum Caring® to spread the labor around. Some, such as myself, care; others herd shopping carts in inclement weather in exploitative big box firms' parking lots while working toward degrees in Marxist critiques of macaque sexist power structures. In the crude parlance of the day, it is a win-win arrangement, a redistribution of winning by the Winner-in-Chief, the I Won. Under the Winnower, all win, but some win more than others. It is a source of joy to me and all right-thinking individuals that His O-ness is so omniscient and so unerringly guided by the will of the people that He and He Alone can determine, without bias, who wins, all the time and forever.

This report is most disturbing, Comrade Tovarich, MOST disturbing! I mean, we don't eat our own kind for Stalin's™ sake! Even for the Children™!



Don't worry about the refusal to embed Comrades. Just click the link!

(That's just Laika doing Laika's Thing™!)