A while back, I decided to take a leaf out of our Iranian Comrades' book and develop my own peaceful nuclear weapons program. Using super top-secret knowledge I downloaded off the internet and uranium I bought at Target, I set out to work. I did this in my basement a ultra mega super top-secret underground base. I am proud to say that the program was an enormous success, as I successfully launched my new nuclear missile in a test earlier today. Here's a photo:


This missile has a range of 100 yards and a nuclear warhead that incinerates everything within 1 mile. With its resounding success, I have already begun building my peaceful nuclear arsenal. Here are the peaceful nuclear weapons I have assembled thus far:

EMBEDDED IMAGE NO LONGER AVAILABLE

Fear me! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Comrade Joe, I want to be the first to denounce you. That was the second funniest thing I saw all day.

Too bad for the prole who has to fire the rocket with a 100 yard range and a 1 mile blast radius.

liberationtheologist wrote:Too bad for the prole who has to fire the rocket with a 100 yard range and a 1 mile blast radius.

What are you talking about? The People's Math states that all numbers are equal, meaning he'll be just fine. Or are you using bourgeois kkkapitalist math?

Indeed all numbers are equal, and the prole firing the rocket will be just fine. (Comrade Joe, I have an excellent selection of thought criminals for sale cheap BTW)

As kids we used to tell jokes about throwing nuclear hand grenades. But that no longer sounds so absurd, seeing that there are plenty of volunteers in the Middle East willing to throw it even if they have to count until ten on their fingers while squeezing the nuclear grenade between their legs.

Comrade Joe,

How do you plan to share your vast knowledge of rockets with the rest of us. Can I go to rocket school? Or is this only for those more equal comrades. I don't have the brains of a rocket scientist, but I still want my own rocket. I have a pen pal friend in Venezuela who is bugging me about getting him a rocket. He seems to think that everything is for sale in Kapitalist Amerika. His name is Hugo. He keeps talking about wanting to impress some crazy uncle, or godfather of his.

Jeez, Leninka, you know dear Hugo? Do you think he'll give me some heating oil for the Rancho? Put in a good word for me. Do you think that he could use a Carmen Miranda impersonator?

Comrade Joe, I hate to tell you but the French in the 70s developed their own nuclear force, the, I believe, <i>force de frappé</i>. The missiles had a range of <i>seventy miles</i>.

But that was when they were dealing with soiled bed linens by hanging them out in the sun to air.

Commissar Theocritus,

Hugo is just a pen pal. I don't know anything about him having any oil. Oh, wait, maybe, he did mention that once or twice. He did say something about a Patrick Kennedy friend of his. Maybe you can contact Patrick Kennedy. He might know something.

Oh, wait a minute, I remember now. Hugo does manage a chain of gas stations, but, just today, I passed one of them that had been damaged by hurricane Ike, and it had roof damage, that still wasn't repaired, so, I don't think Hugo is very rich. You know the kind, champagne tastes on a beer budget. He's going to have to save up if he wants to purchase a high quality rocket.

It is getting way too late. And I still haven't written back to Hugo, yet. He wrote me just this morning. He said something about some friend of his named Ahmed something or other who was coming to Venezuela to visit him for the umpteenth time. He say Ahmed is full of hot air, but has gotten him a few planes, and such.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:J
Comrade Joe, I hate to tell you but the French in the 70s developed their own nuclear force, the, I believe, <i>force de frappé</i>. The missiles had a range of <i>seventy miles</i>.

But that was when they were dealing with soiled bed linens by hanging them out in the sun to air.

Have you forgotten your People's Math? All numbers are equal, therefore 100 yards = 70 miles.

Comrade Joe, I salute your rocketry skills. Your missiles are far superior to the 102mm Chinese made rockets that our Taliban friends are so fond of, if only because your missiles have tail fins. And if you installed a pipe bomb payload you'd be the toast of our brave Hamas cadres in Palestine.

Perhaps you could launch a chipmunk into orbit to keep our favorite space doggie Laika company in her never ending journey.

If Comrade Joe is launching anything into orbit I'm going to pull rank and make damned sure it's the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits. And after them the Trotsky monsters.

Leninka, do you suppose that Patrick Kennedy could take Comrade Hugo driving on the coast?

And yes, to a Prog Trog all numbers are equal because it is insensitive and racist and sexist and homophobic to suggest that numbers have meaning. Therefore a five-year plan is the same as a ten-year plan.

But some numbers are more equal than others: from your viewpoint a 50% marginal tax rate is just the same as a 75% marginal tax rate, but from <i>my</i> viewpoint, the 75% is more equal because I, modest cough, get half again as much.

Comrade Whoopie wrote:Comrade Joe, I salute your rocketry skills. Your missiles are far superior to the 102mm Chinese made rockets that our Taliban friends are so fond of, if only because your missiles have tail fins. And if you installed a pipe bomb payload you'd be the toast of our brave Hamas cadres in Palestine.

Perhaps you could launch a chipmunk into orbit to keep our favorite space doggie Laika company in her never ending journey.

This is my peaceful nuclear weapons program. I have not yet finished my peaceful death satellite program. When I do, I may launch something into space along with my peaceful satellite of death and nightmare. I have already christened it KillMaimCrushDestroy.

I do like <i>KillMaimCrushDestroy</i>. If you make a cruise-missile version of it, why not call it <i>The Screaming Howard Dean</i>?

Or this bomber?

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Do you think that he could use a Carmen Miranda impersonator?

Commissar Theocritus,

I had no idea you were a gentleman of a theatrical turn.

Would the fruit in your hat be made of evil oil derived plastic, or would it be real? Of course, I don't know if this would be important to Hugo, or not. He seems to be progressive, but whether or not he is as dedicated as we are to saving the planet, I'm not sure.

Actually, Leninka, Bruno is the Carmen Miranda impersonator. When he's not Liza or Bette. Either way it wobbles your tripes to see him. And as Carmen--in Las Vegas people kept saying, "Pardon me, sir, but do you know you're being followed by a fruit stand?"

"In more ways than you can possibly know," I'd invariably reply.

It's him wearing the platform shoes, which with the hat makes him about 7'6" tall, and singing, "Tico, Tico." That's what gives one nightmares.

Theo - you have mentioned the Tico Tico episode so many times that I decided to look it up and was sufficiently rewarded.

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="https://www.youtube.com/v/DFwNXoEzRgY&h ... ram><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

In one of those incidents of serendipity which makes me think that I was born under a Lenin star, I went to a music store in Odessa, Texas, when I was 17, looking for, among other things, "Tico, Tico." I had no idea who the author was. The music was filed by composer. I was sitting on the floor and found it by Zequinha Abreu, in a one-piano, four-hand version. I bought it and arranged it for two hands and it was one of the curses of my high school my senior year--every time there was a piano I was playing it and "Malaguena" by Ernesto Lecuona, plus some Chopin. Well, it beat the hell out of the through-your-nose country.

Hence my investment in "Tico Tico." And I personally think that inside every drag queen there is Carmen Miranda, waiting to get out.

By the way, the rhythm of that video is the same as all the other renderings of the song, but it's not how it's written. As written it has no, if I recall, syncopation.

Leninka wrote:Comrade Joe,

How do you plan to share your vast knowledge of rockets with the rest of us. Can I go to rocket school? Or is this only for those more equal comrades. I don't have the brains of a rocket scientist, but I still want my own rocket. I have a pen pal friend in Venezuela who is bugging me about getting him a rocket. He seems to think that everything is for sale in Kapitalist Amerika. His name is Hugo. He keeps talking about wanting to impress some crazy uncle, or godfather of his.

Comrade Leninka, just for asking that I will "share" some of my knowledge with you. Here it comes!

I see that you've already shared your technology with our Iranian friends.

Comrade Joe wrote:

liberationtheologist wrote:Too bad for the prole who has to fire the rocket with a 100 yard range and a 1 mile blast radius.

What are you talking about? The People's Math states that all numbers are equal, meaning he'll be just fine. Or are you using bourgeois kkkapitalist math?

How could I forget the People's Math? I must go back to Publik Skool.

Comrade Guest, you could just get a Jiffy Lobo instead.

(sales pitch)
Hey kids, tired of your old rockets firing off and only hitting the ground? Wishing for more excitement? Want to give your parents a good scare this Halloween? Then you need the "Comrade Joe's Peaceful Iranian Nuke Missile"!

With "Comrade Joe's Peaceful Iranian Nuke Missile" you can lite it up, and watch it explode onto a capitalist thoughtcriminal, or the local paper boy, whoever gets in its way first.

"Comrade Joe's Peaceful Iranian Nuke Missile" is not sold in stores (except at Target apparently). Order today and we'll send you a missile by air mail.

Just call 1-800-AIM-HERE.

(off)

Aww. My own nuke? I'll have three. I'm really pissed at a neighbor...

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Aww. My own nuke? I'll have three. I'm really pissed at a neighbor...

That'll be 2.3 billion capitalist exploitation units.

Comrade Joe, will you take checks?

Colonel 7.62 wrote:Comrade Joe, will you take checks?

Sure. Just send me one and you'll receive your missile via air mail. In fact, I guarantee you'll get it within one hour.

Uh, I think that I'll just love-bomb my neighbor. I'm going to send Bruno over with brownies.

Special brownies Comrade Commissar?

The herb will not be cannabis but nightshade.

Once, 25 years ago, my friend Ron and I went to Walt Disney World in Orlando. He baked 60 special brownies. Do you know how good Magic Mountain can be that way? And the Stepping Tones in the Kodak pavilion. Of course there are dangers. We were in October when it was only partially full, and we wandered with our eyes bleeding on our cheeks.

He'd follow some nice-looking woman for a while until I'd see some nice-looking man and jerk him away and we'd follow that tourist. Since I'm 5" taller and at the time was a gym rat.... I'm just amazed that no one caught on. But this was in 1984 when people were stupid enough to vote for the Reagan Monster just because he fixed the economy and got rid of James Earl Carter and made us proud to be Americans.

I'll never forgive him for that.

Aww. My own nuke? I'll have three. I'm really pissed at a neighbor...

Then Theo, this is the product for you:

https://www.videoranch.com/html/NNSlarge.html

Thank you, Ivan, and for that flashback to the 70s. That man's hair.

I am thinking however of something a little greener--this morning my Alpha-Bits spelled out "Holy Gore" and while shaving I saw something in the mirror, and no I didn't tie on a bender.

Currently I am crossing Pupovich's talent-shitting pigeons with the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits and when I have enough, I will paint a picture of a Nobel prize on the roof of my hated neighbor.

That'll learn him.