In an effort to win back the hearts of the American People, the White House today announced its support of the new ObamaCar program.
"Too many Americans are driving substandard cars," said White House Spokesperson Jay Carney during today's press briefing. "In fact, there are a lot of Americans who don't even have cars. That is why the President, by executive order, has initiated the ObamaCar Program."
The new program will see that all Americans, regardless of age, place of residence, or occupation will be required to purchase a vehicle suitable to meet the standards mandated by ObamaCar.
However, Carney was quick to point out that this did not mean that anyone would be forced to give up their favorite ride.
"If you like the car you are driving now, you can keep your car. Period." Carney read from a prepared statement by President Obama. "Nobody is going to take it away from you. Period."
Carney said this means that nobody will be required to purchase a vehicle they do not want or need. Ever. As long as your current vehicle meets ObamaCar standard features, you can drive it as long as you like. Unless the manufacturer decides to recall it.
"But if that happens, don't blame us," Carney said. "That's the free market at work, that's capitalism, at least how we define capitalism, in action. We didn't do that to you."
He went on to state that all auto manufactures will be required to produce only ObamaCar-compliant vehicles.
The ObamaCar will come in two basic models:
The Sporty Runabout
And the Luxurious Executive Sedan
Both models come equipped with the following standard features:
- Driver's Seat Child Restraints
- On-Board EPA Supervisor's console and seat
- Left Wheel Drive
- Seating for Eight
- Air Conditioning (preset to government-mandated 87 degrees summer, 41 degrees winter)
- Gold Plated Power Window controls (Windows do not roll down, as drive through food is bad for you)
- AM/FM Stereo with permanently docked iPod preloaded with President Obama's speeches
- Cruz Control
- "NSAvigator" GPS Location System
- Solar-Powered Headlights
- Powerful 0.5 Liter engine capable of accelerating from 0 to 40 in three minutes flat
- Lean Forward Design
- Four Full-Size Spare Tires
- Fully Enclosed Golf Bag Roof Pods transports up to four sets of clubs in weatherproof safety
- Built-in Pet Carrier and Seating for Pet Valet
- Glove Compartment Lobster Steamer
- Eco-Friendly Burlap Seat Covers
- Wilson Progressive 14-Point Passenger Restraint system
- Handicap Access Doors and Chairlift
- Fender-Mounted Teleprompters
- Heads-Up Display Closed Captioning
- 11,000-Page Owners Manual
Log on and order yours today at CarCare.gov!
ObamaCar. We Know What's Good For You.
And Coming Soon: ObamaCycle!