WASHINGTON, DC -- Mr. Theodore "The" Lorax, an internationally-recognized lawyer for various environmental and conservationist groups, has been announced as the new head of the Environmental Protection Agency. A White House insider said the choice was "nearly unanimous within the cabinet" and stated there is ample evidence of his "devotion to both the environment and tight regulation of anything which touches it."

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said of The Lorax, "His previous experience working with Greenpeace and the IUCN to save the endangered Zizzer-zazzer-zuzz and Sprinfliggal of Noofelzen shows that he cares about life on this planet. These creatures are beautiful examples of biodiversity that would be lost without his intervention - they do so much more than just rhyme with words you might end a sentence with."


Critics of the sometimes confrontational lawyer expressed dismay, such as the Logging Industry Coalition (LIC), which called the selection "disappointing." A member of the LIC, Jacob Once-ler, stated "His arrogance knows no bounds, making him a very bad choice for a regulatory position where he can play God with markets and businesses. The man honestly thinks he 'speaks for the trees' and goes around calling himself 'The Lorax' - like Madonna or that goofball from Jersey Shore.” He went on to cite a recent poll of the largest, most evil companies in the US - as measured by the lack of campaign contributions to Democratic incumbents – which shows that less than 3% believe The Lorax will be good for the US.

Additional reporting by The Hell Gazette

It is about time the cabinet became inclusive of members of other species, including fictional ones. Now, if we could only find some qualified inanimate objects willing to serve, we would be setting new standards for diversity.

I nominate this inanimate object.

I thought the subject being discussed was about the EPA.

But I see that the conversation is now alluding to a second stimulus package.

Or a third. And a fourth! And a FIFTH!!! AND A...

I thought we already had a tyrant a despot a criminal an inanimate object serving at the White House. Not sure which one it is, though......