Trinidad, Colorado--Surgeons have announced today the world's first successful full-body vaginoplasty.

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The recipient, whose name is being withheld, is said by surgeons to the only person in the world who is 99% vagina and 1% anus.

Washington, DC--Johnson and Johnson has started construction on a $2.5 billion-dollar plant for manufacturing Monistat.

Update: Trinidad, Colorado--Surgeons have also announced the world's first successful full-body phalloplasty:

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Surgeons say that until the services of a rabbi to perform a bris, the Senator will have to make sure to wear a necktie lest he suffocate.

OMG!!! They used a sand blaster on this drunken harlot's face!!!

No, it was not a sand blaster. Well, okay, it was a sand blaster. I promised that I'd keep all that quiet, when she looked at me with her Bambi eyes. I think what got me was when her rug started slipping off.

There isn't enough sand in the world to blow through all of the unknown vaginoplasty patient. How much acid was needed, really?

Comrade Theocritus,

How kind you are, to bring this issue up in such a sensitive manner. Really, you ought to be the Senate's personal medical conduit between that clinic in Trinidad and Congress. How they were able to gather all of Nanski's hair and place it on her head is nothing other than miraculous.

And Mr/Ms. Schumer looks just fine. This most definitely ought to get him more invites to the White House. Perhaps the Bris can be performed after he/she opts for the public option, I'm sure he will have quite a satisfactory range of qualified surgeons to choose from. I hear the doctors at Bellevue in New York City are the best for this sort of thing.

Oh, here's a great dentist. He'll do, won't he?

Last night I had a dream, and it was a good one. When Senator Schumer, the world's first total-body phalloplasty patient, and Rep. Nanski Peloski, the world's first total-body vaginoplasty patient, get in the same room, we will be treated to a explosion of hundreds of thousands of Perfect Progs, which will be spontaneously generated.

You will be able to recognize them because they will look as though they were manufactured by Doc Johnson.

And they will vacation in Phuket, Thailand, which is trying to wrest the title from Trinidad.

For Schmuckie Schumer's bris, will the rabbi have to use a chisel or pruning shears? Just wondering.

He needs to hurry up!!! Look what happened when he got undressed before hopping into the sack with Nancski. Disturbed is an understatement.

This is how Schmuck Schumer looks when he's not in makeup:What's the difference between a Porsche with two lawyers in it and a porcupine?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

And I say this, who do nothing but practice real-estate law all day.

Apparently a photographer was there at the Pelosi-Schumer merger to capture the miraculous event:

Damien! Where's Damien?!!!