New Biden Classified Documents Cache Found at Maryland Waffle House

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Sources reveal that an additional cache of classified documents has been identified at a Frederick, Maryland, Waffle House.  The papers were discovered wedged behind the handwashing sink water supply lines in the restaurant's men's room on Wednesday.

"We had this guy come staggering in about 9:30 a.m.," said assistant manager Tommy Wilson.  "He was dressed real nice, but he was filthy, like he'd fell into a dumpster or something." 

Wilson reported that the man shuffled up to the counter and mumbled something about ice cream, then disappeared into the men's room.

"He looked familiar to me somehow," waitress Shelly Mills recalled.  "I had no idea it was the President."

"Maybe five minutes after he came in, four guys in dark suits came piling through the door," said Wilson.  "They didn't say nothing, just looked over everybody at the counter and then two of them went in the john." 

He stated that three men came out of the restroom, the two younger men leading the older man, who now had a trench coat draped over his head and shoulders.  "One of the suit guys who stood at the counter said we hadn't seen anything and gave us all a real scary look as they left."

The documents were discovered during a cleaning cycle of the restrooms at shift change, roughly 3:00 a.m. 

"I was in the office totaling out the shift receipts when Shelly came in and handed me three folders that she found under the sink," said Wilson. 

Mills stated, "Two were marked 'Confidential,' so I don't look inside them.  The other said "Top Secret" and I really liked that movie, so I flipped it open hoping to find a picture of Val Kilmer.  It was just a bunch of stuff about submarines, so I gave it to Tommy."

The two then realized that the "familiar" looking man was, in fact, President Biden.  Wilson contacted law enforcement and the papers were retrieved by an unidentified government agency.

White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre declined to comment on the incident, but did note that the men's room had a secure lock and that the restaurant was staffed 24 hours a day.

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You’re all going to miss me when I’m gone.

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There still are ways to deny this.

  • The Russians stuck the files under the sink.
  • It wasn't Biden at the Waffle House.
  • It was Biden, but the documents contained misinformation to confuse Putin.
  • Trump's mishandling of classified files was much, much worse, not even close.
  • You are a racist.

We must keep inventing excuses as long as it takes. We do it for the Revolution™. We do it for the Toiling Transgendered Masses™. We do it for the Children™.

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Is Tommy a British spy working for the Russians as a double agent? A Waffle House is exactly the kind of deep cover place you'd expect to find a person like that. That's quite an intricate ruse, if pulled off right.

You never mentioned whether or not the documents were actually recovered. And where were Biden's lawyers? I thought they were the ones "finding" all these classified documents. There must have been a breakdown in the chain of control, somewhere.

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With the Waffle House escapade, does this portend a lot of men in black plot errors? Just telling the Waffle House crew, they didn’t see anything, without the use of their flashy neurolizer seems lazy and inefficient, don’t you think brain in a jar, Ivan?

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Never misunderestimate the intimidation factor of a humorless man in a dark suit.

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Never mis-underestimate the reactions of citizens discovering that Waffle House is keeping secrets.

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Ah, the unidentified government agency Crack Commando Squad in action.