Inspired by the dramatic improvements in New Yorkers' health and well-being after he banned smoking and junk food, as well as large sodas, salt, trans fats, Styrofoam food containers, and loud earbuds, Mayor Michael Bloomberg has announced that the NYPD is organizing a Food Felonies Unit (FFU) to further combat the proliferation of food crimes.

Nicknamed "Double-F-U," the newly-formed unit is expected to be involved largely with restaurant menu supervision in its crime-prevention function, while also conducting sting operations on food service providers who break local ordinances.

The Police Commission, which will directly oversee the Double-F-U operation, has already reassigned more than 150 officers from various precincts and equipped it with new public-health-enforcement technology, such as, hidden cameras and GPS tracking devices.

"We're used to this kind of work when it comes to drugs," said Patrick O'Brien, a spokesman for the New York Retired Police Syndicate. "The Commission has signaled it wants the best officers from the precincts' Narcotics Task Forces working on food cases. Trust me,” he declared, “they are going to be putting a lot of people in jail."

With the expected deluge of new arrests, the District Attorney's Office is also expected to reprioritize its caseloads to meet the flood of food felony charges that NYPD will be sending to them.

"Sure, the jail system is already tight, but I think the Mayor's priorities mean that more of the traditional criminals will be released to make room for the food felons," said Manny Shapiro, a local criminal defense attorney. "Since the mayor isn't increasing anyone's budget, the more resources they devote to one category of crimes, the more they have to pull from others."

Other experts see the Double-F-U as a way to bring in much needed revenues through fines and penalties. Thus, a soda tap that dispenses 17 ounces of soda may lead, not as much to the arrest of a food vendor, as to a hefty fine that will help defray enforcement costs.

As local restaurateurs are hiring food law attorneys to help them navigate the new standards and regulations, the NYPD is retooling many of its old stand-by enforcement aids.

"They've already retrained several canine units to detect trans-fats in foods, which will save on lab costs," said O'Brien. "But they'll still have to use old-fashioned officer-led searches because the dogs can't smell the difference between 16oz. bottles and the illegal sizes."

While certain criticism is expected, many believe that Mayor Bloomberg's battle for the greater good is larger than one person's individual liberties.

"Good intentions always trump negative outcomes," Shapiro said.

Most New Yorkers agree agree that in a city which relies on restaurants and street vending for much of its food, additional scrutiny is only expected to improve the quality of their own dining choices.

"Oversight always makes things better," O'Brien says. "And restaurants are no different. The closer we watch 'em, the better they will perform to avoid bringing down the heat, so to speak."

Authorities are assuring New Yorkers that, while the Mayor's Double-F-U will be saving them from their unhealthy lifestyles, the skyrocketing health benefits are expected to save the public millions in treatment of preventable diseases.

"Once the people feel good about it, they will not give a damn about the government crackdown on illegal foods substances or the persecution of food criminals," said Shapiro. "New Yorkers value compliance so long as it makes them feel good."
 

I would like to add to this my remake of Maksim's older poster -

Mayor Bloomberg: The Wizard of 16oz

And also this - author unknown...


 

From our friend Irony Curtain:


 

And in an uncommon act of support from the FHOTUS, Moo has volunteered to "guard" the FFU evidence locker.


 

What an opportunity for Dick Wolf!

Steve Zirnkilton: In the Bloomberg justice system, unhealthy eating violations are exceptionally heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these felonies are part of an elite squad known as the Double F-U. These are their stories.

LAW AND ORDER
FOOD FELONY UNIT
(ching ching!)
 

Have just returned with a pick up from my Pepsi Throwback pusher and now understand why that new red circle and slash sign is covering the doughnut case in bakery, and cooperative is instituting waiting periods for Chocolate chip cookies. Party Section monitors observing shoppers acquisitions asked me my birth date. When I asked reason, I knew it wasn't because she thought I was under 21. I was told that applications for birthday cake purchase permits are now required 90 days in advance so that I could be weighed and appropriate size and sucrose content computed for submission to determine Recipe Adjustment Target. I just responded with. "nyet interested." I have nothing to celebrate, which makes Party Section successfully satisfied.
Back when I was boy there was a "hamburger joint" across the road from a cemetery called Palace of Poison. Sign in window had this legend in flashing neon lights, "Eat Here If It Kills You." It would have been such happy death. Any comrades visiting our Gateway Soviet should go to Carl's on Manchester Rd. in Rock Hill Prospekt. Is last Real "hamburger joint" we have left.
 

It's high time for Comrade Bloomberg to implement The Gulag Diet in all New York City public institutions to set an example for the unwashed masses who insist on eating fried foods, grilled meats and drinking sodas. The Gulag Diet is a wonderfully refreshing regimen consisting of bread and broth (once daily) and forced labor vigorous exercise that is guaranteed to shed unwanted pounds and renew health and a good attitude.
 

Comrade Katz,

♫ they'll work exercise better with a gun in their back for a bowl of rice a day... ♪
 

This story is now in The Washington Times -



 

Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition and cause cancer. Too many colorants derived from coal. Coal is OK in your dish, it's not OK in the air as carbon dioxide. Brilliant liberals. Size matters (of coke), quality doesn't. Even in coke, if they only banned aspartame (causes cancer) and other crap, I'd be very much happy with it. Or fluoride in the water, which causes mental retardation in children.
 

As the police commissar speaking for the administration of Mayor Comrade Bloomberg, I ordered my deputy, former commissioner Kelly, to form a special operations SWAT team to ferret out those individuals who not only criminally eat three squares a day and whisper about it to workmates, but threaten to take hostage extra calories and large lumps of sugar... and lock themselves up in innocent Motel 6 rooms.

A good beating with wooden batons and boot heels on their faces will disabuse these New Yorkers of their base desire to eat. They need to be re-educated. They need to be satisfied with the ration coupons for their weekly bags of brown rice, cigarette paper and soybeans for their intake of healthy food substances that are approved by the National Executive Food Dependency Committee headed by Comrades Matrona Waters of the Socialist People's Republic of Mexifornia and Bogdana Lee of the People's Gun Free Zone of Texas.
 

Auntie Em! Auntie Em! The New York City Food Police have broken down the front door of the pizzaria! The flying monkeys are tearing up the kitchen! Oh please, please, do hurry, Auntie Em; have Uncle Henry and Zeke hide the Crisco, table salt and 2-liter soft drinks in the root cellar before it's too late!!!



 

The Progressive Rage Boys respond to a New York Judge striking-down NYC Mayor Bloomberg's ban on large sodas: Mayor Bloomberg declared the Judge's decision unconstitutional because "No soda container should be taller than I am." Al Gore also condemned the decision because "Large Carbonated Sodas Cause Global Warming," and President Obama cried, "Michelle will be OUTRAGED!"


--KOOK