By Keith Olberbag

WASHINGTON - Super-smart President Barack Obama today outlined his bold new program to stimulate the "recovering nicely but still a bit tepid" US economy. Entitled the Complementary Homogeneous Ancillary Incentivizing Nebulizing Leaching Economic Teachably Totalitarian Egalitarian Redistributive ACT (C.H.A.I.N.L.E.T.T.E.R. Act), the proposal intends to increase the velocity of money in the economy by using the US Postal Service to speed it along.

The proposal works like this: each citizen will receive from the IRS a list of names; the individual would send a dollar to the name at the top of the list and cross it off, add his or her own name to the bottom of the list and then send the it on to the next 10 people on the list. When that person's name gets to the top of the list, he or she will receive a stimulus payment of approximately 300 million dollars!

Smart progressive economists immediately hailed the new plan as being both stimulative and persistent as it will take years and years for all the money to make its way thru the economy via the US mail. Nobel Prize winning economist Paul Krugery stated "This plan is even better than the National Mandantory Three Card Monte games the President devised to help fund the free national health care program." Many predicted Obama will win the Nobel for Econmics to go along with his Peace Prize.

The White House expects the proposal to create several billion new jobs for mail carriers, postal clerks, stamp makers, letter lickers, etc, as extra help will be needed to implement the new program. "This program is about Jobs, Jobs, Jobs, Jobs, Jobs, Jobs, Jobs, Jobs...(etc)" the President said. "We expect to employ 110 per cent of the work force within the next 10 years. This is unprecedented!"

In his remarks, the President reiterated that the 2009 American Recovery and Reinvestment Act was working as intended although the number of jobs created fell a few thousand or so short of what he had expected. Even though he was confident the earlier stimulus would live up to expectations and hold the unemployment rate below 20%, Mr. Obama decided a new plan was needed to create jobs at a quicker pace. Like all his previous ideas, this plan is likely to be wildly successful.

Budget director Peter Orgags stated "This new plan will not add a dime to the deficit" although he admitted a small percentage of the costs (approximately 83%) will be accounted for "off budget" in order to hide them from people who don't know where to look. The rest of the funds for the program will come from a small excise tax on smokers and people who breathe regularly.

A Republican critic immedately branded the great new plan as "a pointless economic shell game blah blah blah." Director Orgags replied "That's all they ever say about everything we do. They want America to fail. Where are THEIR new ideas? They have none. All they ever say is 'cut taxes and let the private sector work.' Like THAT ever created any jobs."

Well said, Mr. Director. When can I expect my list in the mail?

I want to be at the top of the list!! Brilliant idea!! Send me the names now, Comrade. Bless you, Lord Obama!!

Kudos, Comrade OotP - this appears to be a most glorious stimulus project. It is a breath of fresh air after trying to sell my union buddies on collodial minerals, soaps, phone cards, and Australian essential oils.

I've never tried working for an honest income but it doesn't sound like an appealing idea to me, and like you say, that's the only plan those backward-thinking conservative losers seem to have!