Obama Outfitted With 238 Motion Capture Sensors For 3-D Record Of Presidency

The height, width, and depth of the 44th presidency is digitally recorded for future generations of Americans to enjoy.

The Onion:

WASHINGTON—In what is being hailed as a breakthrough in the field of historical record-keeping, the National Archives announced Monday that it would immediately begin outfitting Barack Obama's chest, limbs, and face with an array of motion capture sensors for use in preserving a 3-D account of his time as president.

"The presidency of Mr. Obama is truly a landmark event, and I can think of no better way to honor it than with this $2.5 billion advanced digital-imaging project," acting archivist Adrienne Thomas told reporters. "Not only will our sensors provide unprecedented moment-to-moment documentation of a sitting U.S. president, but they will also give the American people the breathtaking realism and seamless layer animation they have come to expect."

According to sources at the National Archives, Obama will spend the next four years in a custom-made, lycra-and-neoprene bodysuit, featuring 238 reflective "marker balls," which will instantly relay trillions of bytes of information to a central computer in Centennial, CO.

Awesome. I would pay to see him dropping a deuce in the same bathroom as Clinton, Carter, LBJ and FDR. Ugh, so historical!

Yes, Chairman, the black motion suit comes with built-in crotch holes for bodily functions. We will have the full Presidential experience for the whole world. Fortunately, we didn't have the technology back when Willy was in the White House.

Comrades,

This is truly a glorious development: Not only is Comrade 0bama creating the New Virtual Reality, he will himself transcend his own unReality. He can kick back with a Marlboro or some pakalolo and let his 3D virtual self go on tours. With enough of such motion data, the travelling 3D0 (3D 0bama) can be sent anywhere with the flick of a button to deliver his scripted speeches in an amazingly lifelike manner and without a teleprompter (real or virtual). This will leave the real 0bama (pardon the oxymoron) to attend to the serious matter of creating yet more Hope™ and Change™.

Deranged assassins will be thwarted, shooting out some 3D0 screen or projector; 0bama will be saved!

Once the new free universal internet, perhaps to be known as GovNet or DragNet (Democratic, Racist-free, All-pervasive, and Green Net), 3D0 will appear on your computer screen each time you use the Internet. He will fill you with virtual warmth, hope, and change.

Yes, Comrade Tovarich. In fact, Comrade Big Fur Hat has already developed a 3DO prototype here:

3DO

This will be a fantastic thing for the children in our Government Reeducation Centers. When we show it, their parents should be forced subjected there for them to control their outbursts of joy. Even though we enjoy their joy, too much could kill them.

Dr. Strangelove wrote:Yes, Comrade Tovarich. In fact, Comrade Big Fur Hat has already developed a 3DO prototype here:

3DO

Praise be unto Obama! The indecision in my life has now been clarified through Hope and Change.

Only one thing is missing, however: an Obamanian version of wudu to cleanse ourselves ritually before receiving His wisdom. I delegate the creating of the "Obudu" to others, having exerting my proletarian facilities to the identification of this problem.