Rally 'round the Times, Comrades!

2/19/2014, 3:21 pm

The New York Times needs your help.

You've read the article that made you laugh and weep with tears of thankfulness.

You've seen the posters that made your Inner Comrade soar with acceptable thoughts.

You've read the heartwarming futuristic testimony that the End is near and that the End is good, for it is Next Tuesday™.

But Comrades across the Fruited Collective, there is a hitch, a fly in the progressive ointment, if you will.

You see, some unenlightened comrades have read the article, they have seen the reader comments, and they think they're too good to be currently true! They cynically deduce that the comments are not authentic, but just regurgitations from the NYT editorial board praising the premises of their own article!

While that may be factual, that's not the point. We need to enhance the validity of this watershed article and make it the turning point in korrect thought it was intended to be.

Here's where you come in, comrade, yes - you! Submit your testimony. Make sure you...

...praise the Affordable Care Act. Use adjectives like "well-crafted", "far-sighted", "excellent", etc.
...explain how your relative, neighbor, former co-worker, toaster, or other significant other benefited from the ACA. Explain how Dear Leader's amazing prescience led to the drafting of a law that hand-in-glove fit their situation perfectly and liberated them, or you, into Next Tuesday™.

In so doing, you will increase the credibility of that beacon of right thinking (remove your ushanka in due reverence), The New York Times.

2/19/2014, 6:04 pm

The well crafted, far sighted, excellence of the Affordable Healthcare Act has freed me from the chains of ...

Wait a minute. I'm retired. I have medicare and a private plan to cover additional costs. Why am I paying more now? Never mind that - why am I paying at all? Where is my subsidy, my fair share of the pie, my cut? I see! Yes! It's happened before and it's starting all over again! I'm a victim of age discrimination! Damn it! Now I'm depressed - is that covered?

2/19/2014, 7:39 pm

Comrade Craptek, Your upset only because the bourgeois have tricked you, like many of us, into believing you were self sufficient. Thanks to the ACA (which I might add is "well-crafted", "far-sighted", and even "excellent"), you not only are disabused of these capitalist delusions, but freed from your excess currency as well! Genius!

2/19/2014, 7:55 pm

[color=#C0392B]Captain Craptek[/color] wasn't kidding when he wrote:Now I'm depressed...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Tell me I'm dreaming!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

***Where can you still buy Brew 102?***
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Images I used

2/19/2014, 8:08 pm

Muchos spacebos to the most equal agitprop work.

2/19/2014, 8:25 pm

Captain Craptek wrote:The well crafted, far sighted, excellence of the Affordable Healthcare Act has freed me from the chains of ...

Wait a minute. I'm retired. I have medicare and a private plan to cover additional costs. Why am I paying more now? Never mind that - why am I paying at all? Where is my subsidy, my fair share of the pie, my cut? I see! Yes! It's happened before and it's starting all over again! I'm a victim of age discrimination! Damn it! Now I'm depressed - is that covered?

And now, for the korrekt interpretation of this comrade's glowing testimony...

I once had a comrade of another species who was suffering from depression because Dick Cheney lied to him about the most excellent benefits of the well crafted Affordable Care Act. This far-sighted legislation brilliantly anticipated this comrade's depression over the results of the 2004 election, and offered him end of life care and free taxidermy. Now my former comrade has been freed of the stigma of having money, the chains of an independent retirement, the burden of making his own healthcare choices, and the drudgery of life itself. For his devoted service to the People's Cube, his preserved remains will be eternally displayed in a refrigerated coffin next to that of Lenin himself unless somebody denounces him later. In fact, this excellent bill even subsidizes a bronze likeness of the People's Captain that will tower over the FDR monument and inspire future generations of young progressives. We will miss our dear squirrel, but we will know that he (well, at least his internal organs) is in a far better place fertilizing the soil around the Inner Party Bunker.

2/19/2014, 9:26 pm

Captain Craptek I begged you to self medicate.

2/19/2014, 10:03 pm

Ok. Thats enough. I don't want to watch the scene where the fresh bottle gets into the rodent...That may be "must see" prime time stuff in Senator Feinsteins' district, or Nancy Peloski's hometown, but not here in Occupied Texazistan.

And from the angle of pour, the bottle looks about empty anyway...

2/19/2014, 11:57 pm

Tovarichi wrote:Ok. Thats enough. I don't want to watch the scene where the fresh bottle gets into the rodent...That may be "must see" prime time stuff in Senator Feinsteins' district, or Nancy Peloski's hometown, but not here in Occupied Texazistan.

And from the angle of pour, the bottle looks about empty anyway...

Thanks Comrades Mike and Tovarichi, but that won't be necessary. Comrade Putout has come to the rescue. I'm feeling much better now. And comrades - Don't forget to VOTE PUTOUT in the November "Miss 102" election!!

2/20/2014, 2:21 pm

Craptek lives! He is not fertilizing the soil around the Inner Party Bunker after all (which is silly since the Inner Party Bunker doesn't exist in the first place).

This is all due to Dear Leader's farsighted legislation which provided for Brew 102 which revived the People's Captain and restored his cerebral cortex.

But the question that the Collective is asking is, "Is the Captain his old self, or has the injury affected him in any way?" For example, could the extensive brain damage have caused the intrusion of incorrect thoughts, or has the Brew 102 made him more progressive than ever before, or could he be violently vacillating between the two extremes deep down in his Inner Comrade™? Whatever the case, rest assured that the well crafted ACA will have anticipated the contingency and will provide miraculously.

2/20/2014, 3:01 pm

Coincidence? Perhaps.... A day after blowing half of his brains out, a squirrel is seen in a suit, volunteering at Republican National Headquarters... Anybody seen Craptek since last night?

2/20/2014, 3:30 pm

Which side of his brain was damaged? Research from several local incidents of brain trauma resulting from impact by a shovel indicates that the right side of the brain controls leftist thought and the left side controls rightist thought.

2/20/2014, 4:28 pm

Image shows an entry on the right, and lots of leakage out the left, hell, the projectile could still be bouncing around inside between his fuzzy pointy ears....who knows?

2/20/2014, 5:20 pm

Gee, sorry to see the Captain's demise, but good to know, Putout, that the toast indeed lands butter side up. For your modesty's sake, anyway.

2/20/2014, 6:12 pm

Tovarichi wrote:Image shows an entry on the right, and lots of leakage out the left, hell, the projectile could still be bouncing around inside between his fuzzy pointy ears....who knows?

Comrade,

You'll be pleased to know - I'm sure - that the projectile stopped bouncing around right after I finished that Brew 102. (or was it 201?) No matter...I did have the strangest dream, though. But I'm much better now. Got any spare change?

2/20/2014, 9:15 pm

Still, this needs some explaining...

2/21/2014, 12:31 am

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