Comrades,

As many of you know, my 2 PhDs and 3 MAs are momentarily in the field of "Psycho-Linguistics". I have been analyzing my Books on Tape version of the Iraq Study Group Report, and have so far diagrammed 17 different inflections on the word "the".

But while doing this, I stumbled on The Biggest Surprise in the Iraq Study Group Report.

BIG SURPRISES IN THE IRAQ STUDY GROUP REPORT

First, sorry I was gone so long, but to paraphrase Justin Timberlake, “I'm bringing the Activismy back.” I've been recreating my pivotal role as Protestor #4 during the Seattle WTO Uprising in the movie, “The Battle in Seattle”; an acting performance that is certain to land me an Oscar for Best Performance by a Pre-Operative Transgender Actor. But don't worry, when I'm hobnobbing with Babs, Sean Penn, George Clooney and Alec Baldwin, I won't forget about you, the little people. And don't worry, nothing's going to change THIS girl, at least until we get an enlightened Progressive government that will finally pay for my gender reassignment surgery. But enough about me, my darlings.

I finally received the Books on Tape version of the “Iraq Study Group Report” and was able to listen to it while riding the bus to the “set” of my latest movie. There are some HUGE surprises inside. First, for those of you who don't have Oscars, I will explain the background of this. The Iraq Study Group was commissioned by Aaron Spelling shortly before his death, and comprised of really concerned celebrities dedicated to bringing peace to the universe.

In an attempt to get Bu$Hitler to listen to it when he had it read to him, it was chaired by the disgraced former ReiKKK-Wing Evangeli$t Jim BaKKKer, along with the $6 million dollar man Lee Majors, and tan guy George Hamilton. Also along for the ride were Lawrence Fishburne (and you wonder why Der Fuehrer is having him arrested for “tax evasion”, hah!), former New Kid on the Block Jordan Knight, little known soul-singer Edwin Starr, bald singer Sinead O'Connor, pianist Leon Russell, former footballer William “The Refrigerator” Perry, actor Rob Lowe, and noted intellectual Jessica Simpson.

Oh dear, I seem to be running out of time tonight… My curtain call is for 9:00 A.M. For my next movie I will have it spelled out that a star of my magnitude DOES NOT WORK BEFORE NOON (and that under protest)! So I will skip to the most GARGANTUNORMOUS surprise in the whole report:

After hearing reports on a daily basis for the last several years about the number of Iraqis killed that day, I naturally assumed that Iraq was a neighborhood in South Central Los Angeles. GUESS WHAT PEOPLE! Iraq is an entirely separate country that isn't even inside the U$$A! This was a shock to me, even though many of you know that my 2 PhDs and 3 MAs are currently in the field of “Human Geography”, so I can imagine the shock that people like you with less than 2 PhDs (and 3 MAs), and no Oscars must be experiencing.

But do you realize the implications for the Chimpeachment of Bu$HitlerBurton? We all realized he had to go when we thought he had “only” invaded a sovereign NEIGHBORHOOD, but now, BUSH IS AN INTERNATIONAL WAR CRIMINAL!

I'll see you all at The Hague.

That wasn't very surprising, unless I didn't anticipate it....