Ukraine topples Lenin statues, meets quota ahead of schedule

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Despite severe weather conditions, the plan to topple Lenin statues in Ukraine has been successfully completed this month, ahead of schedule. The government of the former Soviet republic is happy to report that the quota of toppling monuments to Vladimir Lenin and other communist leaders has been met and in some places exceeded, with toppling of a number of unrelated statues in the process, as well as ransacking headquarters of the local Communist Party in Kiev.

Although many critics warned that the goal was unrealistic, irrational, and even mathematically impossible, the toppling of statues of the creator of the world's largest planned economy still went ahead as scheduled, paced over the course of several Five-Year Plans, starting in 1991.

However, not everything went according to the Planning Committee's projections. The first Five-Year Plan revealed a drastic shortage of ropes to pull the statues down, and of gasoline to power the moving machinery.

The second Five-Year Plan was plagued by continuously bad weather, consisting of five hot summers and as many cold winters, with uncharacteristically wet rains in between, presumably the result of climate change caused by a disproportional use of fossil fuels in the United States.

During the third Five-Year Plan all work was put on hold by the newly created Local 11 Statue Toppler Union.

The union leadership demanded an increase in wages and benefits in addition to a restraining order prohibiting all non-unionized persons from approaching any Lenin statue within a 200 foot radius.

The fourth Five-Year Plan was beleaguered by a nationwide strike and a media campaign on behalf of Local 12 Pigeon-Handlers Union, whose members feared permanent unemployment and demanded a fair treatment with guarantees of lifetime salaries and benefits should all Lenin statues be toppled and outsourced to Third World countries.

The number of Lenin statues in existence also appeared to have been grossly underestimated, factoring only statues with the iconic beard and omitting those representing the father of the socialist revolution in his teens or prepubescent years, prior to the development of Lenin's facial hair follicles. Neither did the plan account for the number of Lenin's busts, bas reliefs, and mosaics, as well as semi-professional carvings and drawings on the walls of public restrooms.

No Lenin statues made of stone were ever toppled either, which was later blamed on the Planning Committee typist who mistook the word "stone" for "scone." Amazingly, as many as twelve "scone" statues had been reported as processed and billed by government contractors.

A subsequent audit discovered instances where money was paid for the toppling of Lenin statues that never existed, or where the statues had been made on the spot out of snow or cardboard and then pulled by a bulldozer. In other cases funds were disbursed where no actual topplings occurred.

As a result, while the number of all reported topplings exceeded the initial projection, a visual observation by the auditors led them to conclude that nearly all Lenin statues still remained exactly where they had been placed by the erstwhile Soviet government.

At the time, Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovich clarified the situation as follows: "More than twenty years of heroic and selfless struggle by our government to topple Lenin statues have exhausted the national budget and forced us to request a bailout from either the European Union or the neighboring Russia. Given that Moscow has more expertise than Brussels in toppling Lenin statues, we chose to side with a partner who better suits our historic needs."

In the aftermath of certain events in Kiev earlier this year, the Ukrainian president modified his position, closely approaching that of the Russian president: "If you like your Lenin statues, you can keep your Lenin statues."

In a final speech to the nation delivered from the steps of a charter plane, Mr. Yanukovich stated: "Rather than burdening our economy with this pointless toppling, I should have followed the Russian model and granted myself exclusive powers to build more palatial mansions in every struggling region of the country. Now if you'll excuse me, my baggage and I have a flight to catch."

Inspired by the president's farewell address, citizens of Ukraine enthusiastically poured into the streets, toppling Lenin statues completely free of charge, without troubling the overworked authorities and union contractors with requests to plan and coordinate their activities. After only several hours of work, volunteers around Ukraine were able to topple all of the remaining Lenin statues.

The next morning, as various government officials looked out their windows and didn't see the familiar Lenin statues, they immediately knew that it was time to report a successful completion of the final Five-Year Plan, ahead of schedule and almost within the budget.

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An image found on many Ukrainian websites (I only translated and added the English title):


And this one is from the US, a glimpse into the final years of De Blasio's rule in New York.


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New York City: Comrade Mayor De Blasio recently authorized a private recycling contract with selected leaders of The People's Union of Salvage Workers International. The contract will secure tons of raw materials - recently toppled Lenin statue scrap metal - from which NYC Port Authority construction workers will fashion a likeness of De Blasio. In a brief statement at the official contract signing the Mayor proclaimed: "From the remains of Lenin's legacy, city workers will construct a statue on Liberty Island. This glorious monument, commemorating my recent assent to the office of The People's Mayor, will inspire workers and peasants entering our city from around the world. It will be my legacy, my gift to the downtrodden masses of the world." The Mayor gathered His robes about His imposing form, rose to His feet, and basked briefly in the thunderous applause from the assembled multitudes.

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Certainly, Comrade President Obama can find a way to save these statues of his political hero! At U.S. taxpayers expense, of course.

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US Congress Moves Against Movement to Topple Obama Statues, declare toppling or defacing images of Komrade Obama a Capital Offense

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I think the Ukrainians should gather up all the Lenin statues, and place them on the eastern border facing Moscow.

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Here's a strange Russian site that collects addresses and pictures of every Lenin statue in the world.

This page is dedicated to the destruction of Lenin statues in Ukraine this year. I can look at it for hours.

Lenin statues toppled in Ukraine in February 2014


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Crystal Moon wrote:He can run, but he can't hide.

I'm disturbed to find our glorious comrade hiding behind a rich Kulak's hovel. Just look at that decadent display of costly, high grade shovels. And the auditorium that a personal screening theater for illicit western movies? Who is this Kulak anyway?

We all agree that the toppling of Lenin Statues has been a fad lately but true communists do it gently and with the help of a crane so the statues suffer little damage to be put up later. We have discovered that the Ukrainians have pushed the statues down with much damage. The glorious soviet,,,,, troops of Russia will now have to raise all of these statues after they invade,.,,,,er....liberate the great Ukrainian people. Work, work, work.

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Comrade Superdave wrote:The pigeons look bored
Pigeons on the tarmac, alack...

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The interruption of the great Revolution has cut the most important ration of all, vodka. Comrades, ending tippling has led to this toppling. I implore Great Leader, don't send troops, reinstate the Vodka solution, restore tippling and end the toppling. Barrels of vodka may cause the peasants to purge themselves.

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flash mob lennin fall.png

Why does this photo remind me of Honeymoon in Vegas?

Oh right!

flying elvi.jpg

Where are we at with regard to the Elvis removal program?

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He can run, but he can't hide #2

Psssst... Is the Ukrainian revolution over yet?

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Red Square wrote:He can run, but he can't hide #2

Psssst... Is the Ukrainian revolution over yet?
I hope that shows up on eBay! I'd buy it, but the shipping could be a deal breaker.

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Those pedestals have to be cleared for the new statues:

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Red Square wrote:He can run, but he can't hide #2

Psssst... Is the Ukrainian revolution over yet?
Why, yes, Comrade Lenin. The Revolution is over. Don't stop hiding though.

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Having one of those could come in quite handy. Whenever one loses their job, or their doctor...One swift kick into the stone shins and instant relief.