What were you born with, comrade?

As we know, the Current Truth™ declares that LGBTQ people were born that way™ . And if #lovecantwait™ and #lovewins™ we have to add the letter P to LGBTQ. P as in Polygamist. According to Commissar Anthony Kennedy's legislation ruling, we will have to let polygamists be married too. Yes, even those horrible reichwing homophobic™ and transphobic™ Mormons! And naturally, if LGBTQ people were born that way then polygamists must have been born that way as well.

So, what about stuff that is a little more exotic than LGBTQP? Say, for example, you love an inanimate object and want to marry it? Once we allow polygamy, you could already have a human spouse and still marry an inanimate object. Say you love your home. Say you live in one of those states (like the great collective of New York) with gloriously massive property taxes. But if #lovewins™ and all that, and you love your home and want to marry it, wouldn't the equal protection clause™ and the anti-slavery clause™ mean that it would be something-phobic for the government to continue to tax your spouse? I mean if your spouse is a house. So, couldn't people have a marriage (polygamous or not) to their house (maybe even their human spouse if applicable could equally marry the house just to be safe) to eliminate their property tax? And, maybe make their house into a dependent?

And if people love their houses enough to want to marry them, they were of course born that way™ and need not only a special term with a letter that can go after LGBTQP (perhaps H?) but also special rights. You can't be evicted from your job for marrying your house. You can't lose your house for not paying property taxes if you marry it.

What were you born with? What temptation special situation were you born with for which you deserve special rights and the ability to marry something that people don't normally expect one would marry?
 

Well comrade. Have you heard of X-Men?
 

Well, not only were many born and deserve special rights and should have the ability to marry anything Comrade Vlad Linen , we still have a long way to go. How many job applications have few options for marriage descriptions? How many patient bill of rights have limited descriptions designed to limit the description of your partner in life? Quite frankly, it’s still tough for a man to go into a crowded elevator in make-up and women’s lingerie with or without a wedding ring and receive ugly comments on their choice of perfume. I for one have been looking for the glorious day when I can finally marry my Sears Tool Catalogue, a trusty companion for many an afternoon.
 

Some people claim to be married to their jobs. Others are married to a single idea. Queen Elizabeth I claimed to be married to her subjects. Allocating benefits in such cases might prove difficult. But no matter. Progress is all.
 

Komrades, I'm compelled to note Dear Departed Komrade Samuel Clemens observations on this subject:

"Our stay in Salt Lake City amounted to only two days, and therefore we had no time to make the customary inquisition into the workings of polygamy and get up the usual statistics and deductions preparatory to calling the attention of the nation at large once more to the matter.

I had the will to do it. With the gushing self-sufficiency of youth I was feverish to plunge in headlong and achieve a great reform here until I saw the Mormon women. Then I was touched. My heart was wiser than my head. It warmed toward these poor, ungainly and pathetically "homely" creatures, and as I turned to hide the generous moisture in my eyes, I said, "No, the man that marries one of them has done an act of Christian charity which entitles him to the kindly applause of mankind, not their harsh censure, and the man that marries sixty of them has done a deed of open-handed generosity so sublime that the nations should stand uncovered in his presence and worship in silence."

 

If I was married to my job, I could never be fired. I'm beginning to see great advantages to be exploited in this Supreme Court's Supreme Ruling.
 

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt

If I was married to my job, I could never be fired. I'm beginning to see great advantages to be exploited in this Supreme Court's Supreme Ruling.
Perhaps not ... your job might file for a no-fault divorce. Or claim irreconcilable differences.
 

Kommissar Uberdave

Komrades, I'm compelled to note Dear Departed Komrade Samuel Clemens observations on this subject:

"Our stay in Salt Lake City amounted to only two days, and therefore we had no time to make the customary inquisition into the workings of polygamy and get up the usual statistics and deductions preparatory to calling the attention of the nation at large once more to the matter.

I had the will to do it. With the gushing self-sufficiency of youth I was feverish to plunge in headlong and achieve a great reform here until I saw the Mormon women. Then I was touched. My heart was wiser than my head. It warmed toward these poor, ungainly and pathetically "homely" creatures, and as I turned to hide the generous moisture in my eyes, I said, "No, the man that marries one of them has done an act of Christian charity which entitles him to the kindly applause of mankind, not their harsh censure, and the man that marries sixty of them has done a deed of open-handed generosity so sublime that the nations should stand uncovered in his presence and worship in silence."



Comrade Uberdave,

The observant Clemens strayed close to the edge of feminist tolerance in his remarks. Fortunately, his obscure style and obtuse language has - at least so far - prevented the younger generation from discovering this fact, thereby assuring his scribbling will remain unscathed in the coming purges and book burning parties.
 

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt

If I was married to my job, I could never be fired.
You want a job at the Veterans' Administration?
 

<prog off>

I was born a military brat. Female, blond, curious, talented, somewhat successful in reaching my dreams, and, going even further than I expected. I like that I did this.

However, since I think this is the American Way, I just find myself saying “I’m an American.”

I think this is natural. To me, it is ridiculous to say, “I’m a female, and I’m proud!” Huh?

I do say, “I am proud to be an American!” That pretty much does it for me. About being proud, and all.

Love,
Pamski
 

I was born with a dick. It brings me pleasure. It brings me pain. I am special because I want to marry my dick. We exchanged jerks -er- rings. Unlike a wife it'll never talk back, it won't ever leave, but like a wife sometimes it doesn't do what I tell it to do. However, unlike a wife, it can be medicated so that it will do exactly what you tell it. Therefore, the dick is the perfect wife and every man should marry his dick.
 

Yeah, that'll work, Comrade Stieglitz! Good luck with that.
 

Comrade Stierlitz

I was born with a dick. It brings me pleasure. It brings me pain. I am special because I want to marry my dick. We exchanged jerks -er- rings. Unlike a wife it'll never talk back, it won't ever leave, but like a wife sometimes it doesn't do what I tell it to do. However, unlike a wife, it can be medicated so that it will do exactly what you tell it. Therefore, the dick is the perfect wife and every man should marry his dick.
So if your dick is married to Rosie Palmer and her 5 sisters (your right hand) is this polygamy? If you switch hands is it adultery?
 

Good one, Sista Oksana! Hilarious!
 

OksanaTheTerrible

Comrade Stierlitz

I was born with a dick. It brings me pleasure. It brings me pain. I am special because I want to marry my dick. We exchanged jerks -er- rings. Unlike a wife it'll never talk back, it won't ever leave, but like a wife sometimes it doesn't do what I tell it to do. However, unlike a wife, it can be medicated so that it will do exactly what you tell it. Therefore, the dick is the perfect wife and every man should marry his dick.
So if your dick is married to Rosie Palmer and her 5 sisters (your right hand) is this polygamy? If you switch hands is it adultery?

Polygamy? Of course it's polygamy, whaddayou think I am, some kind of putz!? Geez, I can't even get one, I'd love to be able to say I have 5. As for the second question, I once caught myself with another hand, but I wouldn't call it an affair. More like a "guest host".
 

 

There's a different meaning whether a man or a woman says, "I went through a whole box of tissues watching a movie."
 

Captain Craptek

Kommissar Uberdave

Komrades, I'm compelled to note Dear Departed Komrade Samuel Clemens observations on this subject:

"Our stay in Salt Lake City amounted to only two days, and therefore we had no time to make the customary inquisition into the workings of polygamy and get up the usual statistics and deductions preparatory to calling the attention of the nation at large once more to the matter.

I had the will to do it. With the gushing self-sufficiency of youth I was feverish to plunge in headlong and achieve a great reform here until I saw the Mormon women. Then I was touched. My heart was wiser than my head. It warmed toward these poor, ungainly and pathetically "homely" creatures, and as I turned to hide the generous moisture in my eyes, I said, "No, the man that marries one of them has done an act of Christian charity which entitles him to the kindly applause of mankind, not their harsh censure, and the man that marries sixty of them has done a deed of open-handed generosity so sublime that the nations should stand uncovered in his presence and worship in silence."


Prog Off.pngComrade Uberdave,

The observant Clemens strayed close to the edge of feminist tolerance in his remarks. Fortunately, his obscure style and obtuse language has - at least so far - prevented the younger generation from discovering this fact, thereby assuring his scribbling will remain unscathed in the coming purges and book burning parties.

Yo captain, my captain,
I was tutoring a high school student in reading and writing a few years ago. We read Twain's Life on the Mississippi together. I laughed reading the first chapter realizing that this poor kid had neither the reading chops nor the prior knowledge needed to fully understand Twain's history of the Mighty Mississippi. It got easier after that. I gave the kid a lot of credit for sticking with the book even there where chapters in which I had to explain to him most of what he had read.
 

OksanaTheTerrible

There's a different meaning whether a man or a woman says, "I went through a whole box of tissues watching a movie."

I only watch movies for the great acting.
 

That chart is giving me flashbacks to this:

Diverse Obama Logos: To Each According to His Hyphen
 

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt

OksanaTheTerrible

There's a different meaning whether a man or a woman says, "I went through a whole box of tissues watching a movie."

I only watch movies for the great acting.

I watch movies for the plot and I read magazines for the articles.
 

Not sure if this is life imitating the People's Cube or vice versa, but here's an official explanation of some of the gender icons:



 

Red Square

Not sure if this is life imitating the People's Cube or vice versa, but here's an official explanation of some of the gender icons:

Gender_symbols_chart.png

Alright, Red, I wasn't gonna do this, but since you posted that picture I feel like I need to say this:

I've been suffering for a long time with this. I know I can't deny who I am, but it's hard for me to come to terms with this. I am Transistor. For a long time I've wanted to be a component in an electronic circuit. There's something satisfying about having electricity being pumped into me, even when I was young I enjoyed getting shocks off the live end of cut off electrical cords. And I've always wanted to pump electricity into Capacitors and Resistors and Integrated Circuits. I've always wanted to be with a Texas Instruments 555 Chip. I have a 10 by 10-foot PCB that I lay on for hours on end, it cost me 5000 dollars. I've even had extra large versions of electronic components made so that I can feel as close to my true self in my spare time. Right now I'm saving up to be shrunken down to the size of a transistor, have 3 conductors surgically mounted onto my body and for them to be connected with the appropriate types of silicone, just like in a Bipolar Junction Transistor. If you want to help me with my struggle in becoming what I truly am inside, please donate to my cause at cpusa.org.
 

 

When I was a kitten, there were those in the litter who sang "I am a little teapot short and stout." I confess before you all, comrades, that I did not use their preferred pronouns (whatever those might have been), nor did I obey their pleas to "tip me over and pour me out." Alas alas. But I was young then and knew no better.
 

RedDiaperette

When I was a kitten, there were those in the litter who sang "I am a little teapot short and stout." I confess before you all, comrades, that I did not use their preferred pronouns (whatever those might have been), nor did I obey their pleas to "tip me over and pour me out." Alas alas. But I was young then and knew no better.



 

Commissarka Pinkie

That chart is giving me flashbacks to this:

Diverse Obama Logos: To Each According to His Hyphen

Comrade_Tovarich
10/6/2008, 8:44 pm

Comrades,

It seems our Messiah has forgotten American-Americans. He also needs to acknowledge the fractional Americans. As far as I can tell, I'm a (fractions unspecified or impossible to assess) Scandinavian-Briton-German-veteran-Midwestern-gun–owning-once–Buddhist-southpaw-literate-stock–owning-straight–but–often–gaydar–tripping-short–haired-dog–loving-curry–loving-cookie–baking-motorcyclist-unicycle–challenged-hallucinogen–experienced-worked–at–McDonald's-multiply–insured-once–hit–by–a–car–but–emerged–unscathed-expat-passport–owning-debt–free-grammar–prescriptivist-agnostic-knew–the–Little–Red–Book–would–go–back–in–print–after–Tiananmen–Massacre-American. So what's in it for me?

Thanks so much for posting this, dear Pinkie. I found this post of Comrade_Tovarich on this thread which I thought was quite relevant to today's politics. There's so much more! Link on the link Pinkie tells you! She knows what she's talking about!
 

I self-identify as poison oak and it is with the deepest regret I must inform the Collective™ I am not fit for human consumption.