
| 2007-2009 | ||||||
Obama adopts White House mole, names him 'Guaca' in honor of Mexican president Blumenthal injured by swiftboating, earns Purple Heart Spurred by Arizona immigration controversy, Obama Administration moves to secure the border with Canada ![]() We are all greeks now! Angry drug smugglers and human traffickers become latest group to boycott Arizona over immigration law CNN: Failed Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad had links to Pakistani Tea Party movement ![]()
Loophole preemptively shuts down three branches of government, coinciding with Obama preemptively shutting down oil production SEC researchers watch porn, discover ways to self-stimulate economy Federal gov't sets stage to bail out federal gov't Obama reaches out to Tea Parties, incorporates their ideas of limited gov't in new multi-trillion dollar stimulus package Focus group: tanning salon tax disproportionately targets white people Fidel Castro endorses Joe Biden's comment on passing healthcare reform Pelosi: Voting one by one is so 18th century ![]() Healthcare summit: Obama reveals he is bipartisan-curious The new battle cry of Massachusetts: The turncoats are coming! Crouching Tiger, Slouching Press Deniers drop tons of foot powder on Washington to emulate snow blizzard during hottest Global Warming winter on record
![]() Obama's SOTU changes the meaning of "cultivate" to "cultiveight": build up a perception that the current woes are the result of the previous eight years O's first year in office: 2 million jobs saved, 76 major natural disasters prevented Dead-Americans claim voter fraud in Massachusetts: cemeteries denied access to polling places, Senator Kennedy demands recount
Mayor Nagin sends 200 school buses to Haiti; Gov. Blanco appointed to oversee construction of Superdome Closer inspection of Kennedy Seat revealed it's an old car seat with water damage Unusually cold winter causes liberals to keep hands in OWN pockets
Air Force deploys eavesdropping spy plane codenamed 'Jewish mother' Seven more women claim to have had lip exchanges with St. Nick underneath mistletoe Mrs. Claus found standing over bleeding hubby next to wrecked sleigh, holding nutcracker North Pole shuts down as elves unionize, demand warmer work environment Time editors still undecided who to select as 'Barack of the Year' in 2009 Obama revolutionizes war: 'leaving' is the new 'victory' ACORN to change name to CHESTNUT; meaning of new acronym still being debated Obama's new autobiography tentatively titled Going Rouge Antartica's Ross Island Detainment Center (RID-C) receives first batch of climate-change skeptics Obama saves big on high cost of turkey for the troops by delaying Afghan surge until after Thanksgiving Retailers begin annual cash- in on Christian holiday they refuse to mention by name Christmas & Healthcare Reform season classic: NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution Police trained in using end of life counseling techniques to negotiate suicide threats Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?' Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Saudis: the word 'assassination' will never be the same Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies" Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back of bus Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where? Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage 'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE) Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs' Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union Label Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation' Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!! On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing' CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman White House tree commits suicide over economic policy Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush' Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse' In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it" Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever' Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research' Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow! ![]() buy this sticker ![]() ![]() Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram' DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberry Dow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15 WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents use DHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!" Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming" ![]() Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube ![]() Obama gives Queen a shovel ![]() ![]() click here Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don't leave home without it' Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Seven Obama cousins found living in voting booth
Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama
Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Laika the Space Dog considered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide US choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we'll be a Peace Keeping force Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud
Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crash Dead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter
Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby
Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Obama beats Hillary to oveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Grand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint Word of the day: How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problem Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans'
Obama: we have always been at peace with Hillary Clinton
Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria
Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush
Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: The war on fire is lost MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam ![]() Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Sheryl Crow to wipe out Global Warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: ban guns, rich kids New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!" Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial
Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on Mars Las Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad
Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless-transgendered-vegan disabled-obese- Kartina-victim as a sidekick Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others
Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far.
Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't kill Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's death Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet
Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it?
US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in Iraq Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page US Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Paris Hilton gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission | ||||||
| 2006-2007 | ||||||
Google merges with ChiCom, bans People's Cube, changes name to "Gulagoogle" Google's air strike destroys the People's Cube penis enlargement factory in Nigeria Google investigation links the People's Cube to Viagra proliferation Google's Matt Cutts: The People's Cube's hidden keywords cause Global Warming, terrorism Google Über Alles! sing along version (turn on your speakers) Google: information is like coffee and we're the filter Cheney invites Ahmadinejad on quail hunting trip Gay Film Awards Ceremony canceled due to overlapping schedule with the Oscars Supreme Court sends military recruiters back on campus; Marxist recruiters sue over unfair competition ACLU: high school stamp collectors are racists Chuck Schumer: Dubai in charge of US ports is not the same as Moscow in charge of Hollywood Bird flu finally hits US: Senate Democrats develop feverish concern about national security UN issues report on human rights abuses by the US; also purchases a large glass house and a bag of stones Kanye West at Mardi Gras in New Orleans: "George Bush doesn't care about black boobs " 2006 Winter Olympics: male ice skater disqualified for being straight Bush responds to UN criticism of Gitmo, relocates detainees to Turtle Bay Gun-toting Dick Cheney shoots someone: screw the details, we've got the headline! Post Valentine Day drug- stores clear shelves for the next bullshit holiday
Cheney claims shooting was an isolated incident, not beginning of rampage: Senate Democrats breathe sigh of relief Europe finally growing a pair of balls, albeit at a lower rate than expected Cindy Sheehan to cartoon protestors: "It's 15 minutes, not 15 days!" Sheehan to Iranian President: "Get off my front page, attention whore!" Sheehan to Chavez: "Will You Be My Valentine?" Republican speaks out against wiretaps, NY Times clears front page for next three weeks DNC: Bush knew about Danish cartoons prior to publication
Muslims demand Mohammed star on Hollywood Boulevard
Mohammed to press: I'm bigger than Jesus! Mohammed and Cindy Sheehan scheduled for cameo appearances in a new episode of the Simpsons Reuters: US presence in Iraq creates unsafe conditions for foreign non-contractual instantaneous public demolition crews
Iranian President to denounce Bush's State of Union speech at the annual Gay Pride Parade in Tehran Appeasement works: French domesticate Islamofascists, teach them useful skills Ted Kennedy jumps on anti-war bandwagon, tips it over into a creek, many drown Leaky CIA sieve located at Langley basement, replaced with new stainless sieve Welfare recipient sues Nanny State for not disclosing addictive effects of hand-outs Berkeley scientists develop new ways to eliminate Republicans on campus Natural disasters elaborate ploy to harm minorities, women Attention New Orleans residents: when asked to evacuate, please leave Democrat plans to criticize enemy troops a no-starter US military success demoralizes Congressional Democrats Saudis to terrorists: don't blow it all in one place! Local construction worker confuses Sen. Schumer with own complaining, annoying mother-in-law Female US soldiers insulting to Muslim insurgents: won't wear veils, menstruate Godiva and Hershey's battle to win New Orleans rebuilding contracts Hot summer temperatures threaten chocolate skyscrapers in New Orleans Nagin's chocolate: plenty of nuts, no white stuff ACLU: Bush wiretapped Martin Luther King Sam Alito exposed as member of organization that advocates work and personal responsibility Alito still silent on transgender rights NY Times: Alito's wife's crying slanders Biden, Kennedy, Schumer PETA: Alito ignores puppy rights, fish suffrage AP: Alito biased against insurgents, terrorists Time: Rove engineered Alito wife's breakdown Cindy Sheehan refuses to endorse Alito Area cook: Racist Alito never orders ethnic food Scientists: Mother Earth is a stupid fat cow Iranian president proves that 2+2=4 is a Zionist falsehood Congressional Democrats find new ways to punish the rich and reward the lazy Air America Radio expands audience by 150%, adding two new listeners BBC, Reuters hire suicide reporters Ariana Huffington closes failed blog, enters convent New study: sunlight causes global warming | ||||||
| 2005 | ||||||
North Pole shuts down as elves unionize, demand warmer work environment
Santa's sleigh grounded: PETA files animal cruelty suit against jolly old St. Nick Comet and Blitzen refuse to serve with openly gay Dasher and Prancer Rudolph publishes auto-biography, says shiny nose still cause for discrimination
Saddam's book asking kids not to grow up as fascist dictators wins Pulitzer Prize, contract in Hollywood Joan Baez and The Christian Peacemaker Teams! sing We Shall Overcome outside Baghdad courthouse
Anti-war activists erect a makeshift memorial near blast site to honor fuel depot's self sacrifice Black cloud from London blast covers France; "What else is new," says Frenchman
DNC Chair vows to take back the non-denomi-
Planned Parenthood: the last thing we want you to do is become a parent North Korea: because famines don't come naturally anymore Wal-Mart capitalizes on anti-Wal-Mart sentiment, announces "save money and annoy liberals" blowout sale French psyche manifests itself in world's first face transplant operation
In other news: most Canada geese prefer to get medical treatment in the US Al Qaeda's unilateral bombings in Jordan squander world media's sympathies
EU leaders praise Iran over softening anti-Israel stance from "annihilate" to "wipe out" Iranian Prez: I said 'clean up Israel,' where did you get 'wipe out Israel' from?
A flock of Canada geese illegally obtain Florida driver licenses New York Times declares Democrats in charge, endorses armed revolt Democrats demand accountability for suicide bombers in Iraq Barbara Boxer blows herself up over Karl Rove Making a point by exploding: the new filibuster Oil discovered on Mars; Halliburton to build risky interplanetary pipeline
Abbas: "pushing Jews into the sea" a bad slogan for PA vacation cruises. Marketing director executed Rejected suicide recruit blows up al-Qaeda office to make a point ACLU condemns al Qaeda terrorism against transgender civilians
|
| SHEEHAN / KATRINA | ||||||||||||||||
Cindy Sheehan betrays her son, sides with enemy Poll: Ted Kennedy considered degenerate drunk by < 50% of Americans Labor Unions admit to artificially inflating national cost of living Chuck Schumer speechless Democrats: Social Security is a pyramid scheme Ariana Huffington closes failed blog, enters convent Labor Unions agree to wages determined by free market Government program ends as its intended goal has been achieved Mainstream Media apologizes to Americans for decades of bias Moveon.org decide to actually move on Michael Moore gets a real job Hollywood movie paints a favorable image of Senator Joe McCarthy Gay and Lesbian leaders declare abstinence best protection from AIDS France thanks US for saving ass... twice Ass whooping discourages teen from "doing it again" Environmental groups switch focus from communism to environment Peace activists enraged over terrorist attacks United Nations: capitalism best cure for hunger and poverty Amnesty International supports US effort to end tyranny and corruption in Africa Technological progress: nature's only chance |
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"Dr. Howard Dean Declares Conservatives Anatomically Different, Genetically InferiorQuote:
Gloria Steinem misplaces vaginaQuote:
Gloria Steinem misplaces vaginaQuote:
Ariana Huffington closes down failed blog, Enters convent.






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Secret Weather-Control DeviceKommissar Betty
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Dems claim their attacks on Haley, Palin, Ann Romney are not "War on Conservative Women," but rather "Domestic Feminist Contingency Operation"
Biden launches his 2012 campaign to get thrown off ticket by blaming Tea Party for bad economy
Obama to Cory Booker: a mind is a terrible thing to use
Summer dead; Gore blames climate change
In attempt to recover $2 billion loss, JP Morgan Chase renames itself Chasebook
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
As election campaign heats up, Obama promises students to forgive their sins
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Democrat geneologists: every time you drop litter on highway, Elizabeth Warren sheds a single tear
Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans
Michelle: My stick is bigger than Barack's
Breaking news: one year later, Bin Laden still dead
Obama in Afghanistan: American chicken is going home to roost
Elizabeth Warren claims kinship to Sitting Bull; receives Indian name of Lying Cow
Obama: Killing one terrorist is a triumph, killing millions of jobs is a statistic
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Study: North Korean Army threats as credible as White House news briefings
Obama to Congress: my government, my business
WH news briefing cut short after Jay Carney's pants spontaneously self-combust
Catholic Bishops order supersize confession booth for James Carney
Romney campaign requests Obama's fourth-grade book report on World of Dogs; Obama says, 'I ate it'
Insulted by Romney's accusation of them doing Obama's bidding, enraged media demand immediate instructions from White House on how to respond
Hillary in Colombian bar: Read my hips!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama: If I had a mother, she'd look like Trayvon Martin's
Study: Ozzie Guillen's beatdown by U.S. media not as bad as beatdown in Cuban prison for speaking out
Olbermann: "They fired me for wearing a hoodie!"
Cheney gets new heart; nation also hopeful that Biden gets brain, Obama courage, and House drops on Pelosi
Trayvor Martin shooting causes fear of backlash among Latinos with old-Jewish-guy names
In effort to escape vigilante justice, George Zimmerman changes name to George Dylan
Larry Sinclair: : If I had a son, he'd look like Barack Obama
Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off
To raise awareness about how unattractive respiratory disorders can be, Obama's FDA bans over-the-counter sales of asthma inhalers
Turning disaster into success, Disney renames failing "John Carter" movie to "John Reagan"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
UN: Iron Dome system in Israel too successful, may cause humanitarian crisis as desperate Gaza officials are forced to divert funds from education and healthcare in order to compensate for destroyed missiles
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Whitney Houston and Elvis seen at Obama fundraiser
Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome
Battle of the Fluke: Dept. of Health and Human Services jumps into the fray by changing emblem from "Eagle of Soaring Prices" to "Woodpecker of Reproductive Justice"
Dept. of Energy certifies Georgetown Law School sex drive as clean energy source, adds to number of green jobs created
Limbaugh controversy prompts Atlantic City casinos to preemptively shut down wildly popular Sandra Fluke slot machines
Democrats push for a death tax on aborted fetuses, to be paid for by insurance companies

Third-grader forced to apologize to Sandra Fluke for telling classmate, "Yo mama went to Georgetown Law School"
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
Putin's post-election tears sold for five million dollars on eBay, rumored to have magical and political powers; buyer identified by initials B.O.
Rush Limbaugh apologizes for criticizing Sandra Fluke's reproductive hobbies, sends her complimentary condoms and a video camera
Obama: I don't want anyone punished with a birth certificate
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Supportive Americans send Sandra Fluke thousands of contraceptives in hopes she'll never reproduce
Georgetown Law School students set to receive scholarships from Crate'O'Condoms manufacturer Johnson & Johnson
Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college
Rescue team recovers Obama's birth certificate ten miles away from tornado path
Supporting Obama's Pond Scum Initiative, US Rep. Waters changes her name to Maxine "Stagnant" Waters
US commander in Afghanistan attempts to quell rioters by burning the American equivalent of the Koran - a year's subscription of 'Goosebumps'
Colorado school board: Islamic harassment of choir student not in violation of DOE guidelines on death threats
Obama refutes charges of being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Maya Angelou: "Whitney's dead, Santorum did it, Romney gave the gun, and Gingrich hid it"
Larry Flint: Santorum aspirin position in poor taste and beyond the pale
Israel invades Iranian air space to drop thousands of Fallout Shelter Manuals in Farsi
Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Nation grateful to Madonna for promise to keep clothes on at Super Bowl
Trump endorses self, calls self to congratulate
Pelosi backs merger of Girl Scouts with Planned Parenthood: 'Who's NOT planning to be a parent at 12 these days?'
Groundhog Day news: Punxsutawney Phil doesn't see Obama's shadow
Obama's critics respond to Newsweek cover by publishing 'Defeating Obama for Dummies'
ACLU flooded with questions from donors: 'how and who to pray to in order to have Tim Tebow smitten?'
North Pole shuts down as elves unionize, demand warmer work environment
Comet and Blitzen refuse to serve with openly gay Dasher and Prancer
Rudolph publishes auto-biography, says shiny nose still cause for discrimination
Santa's sleigh grounded: PETA files animal cruelty suit against jolly old St. Nick
Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday
Adults to Occupiers: there is no socialist Santa Claus; OWS protesters vow to continue demanding free chocolate cookies and milk
EPA to collect carbon tax on coal left in naughty childrens' stockings this Christmas
Carney: new tax on Christians to help improve Christ's image via NEA grants
Obama: this isn't Christmas tax, it's Jizya
Mainstream media exposes Cain's radical ties to Koch-funded abolitionist movement
Dems compromise with Cain, only 10 lashes if he returns to plantation now
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
NY Daily News poll asking New Yorkers about Wall Street protesters uncovers glitch in People's Math: 79% want to see 99% kicked out
Democrats to Wall Street Occupiers: We're with you, but please don't harass our biggest donors!
Iran 'will pay a price' for assassination plot: Obama will not bow to Ahmadinejad for minimum of 90 days
Gov't blocks AT&T/T-MOBILE merger, cites "insufficient 2012 campaign donations"
Paul Krugman predicts stimulus package named "Irene" will improve economy this weekend
Republicans block Obama's $420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck
Opposition wrongfully labels as "vacation" President's plan to join toiling workers in cranberry bogs of Martha's Vineyard
Carney calls Obama vacation 'stimulative,' estimates it will create 4 million jobs
Unemployment promises not to rise until after Obama's vacation
Gorbachev to Obama: 'I too should have abandoned the Communist party earlier'
Obama tours states in long black bus; Biden to follow in short bus
Gaddafi petitions UN to support London rebels, demands resignation of British Prime Minister
Six Flags opens new roller coaster called The Dow Jones
Obama blames Thomas Jefferson for current economic woes; Biden says it's King George's fault
Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space
President to interrupt his schedule, go on apology tour to Bible Belt, bow before local Church leaders
Media: Why do Christians hate us?
U.S. Board of Education institutes "Christian for a Day" program in public schools, considers celebrating Christmas
Ridley Scott to remake Kingdom of Heaven, this time portraying Crusaders as a peaceful, moderate group
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
Progressive dream comes true: Nordic-looking Christian male commits act of terror
Racist NY Times quick to blame Muslims for Norway attack
Experts: new media standard dawns as headlines rush to describe race, color, and religion of Norwegian shooter
Study: Bicyclists have replaced Prius owners as smuggest commuters on Los Angeles freeways
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Summer fun looks up! June jobs numbers up from 18,000 new jobs to loss of 26,000 jobs
DNC eyes Romney as possible nominee for 2012
Nancy Grace on Casey Anthony verdict: "Somewhere out there, the devil is dancing tonight." Devil to Nancy: "I haven't danced since Roe v Wade"
Obama's teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: "Too few words"
White House admits to falling behind schedule in finding new populist, vapid 2012 reelection slogan
State Department: We're not bombing in Libya; we're only dropping unsolicited instant demolition devices
Obama to Congress: "Unlike me, you're always on vacation. That's what you are but what am I?"
Obama: "We can't cut our way to prosperity, but we sure can spend our way to oblivion
NY approves gay marriage; any moment now straight people expected to take to streets in hissy fit protest, demanding courts to overturn
White House cuts government waste by consolidating all Federal websites into one easy-to-use 'Obama-For-America-2012' website

Obama: 'The American private sector must lead the recovery! That's an order - I just signed it'
Huntsman Who: 'I-m like Reagan - a very, very efficient policy-wonk collectivist technocrat'
Pelosi reverses stance, vows to go hard on Weiner
Study: 60% of New York voters believe that Rep. Weiner had penis planted on him by Republican operatives
Tired of jokes about his name, Rep. Weiner (D) changes it to Whinner
Activists against voter ID discovered to be teens in elaborate scheme to avoid being carded at area nightclub
Harry Reid: 'We believe in a living breathing budget that evolves as society changes - today, tomorrow, the next minute, the next election'
Obama Administration demands secrecy in implementing 'transparent government' policy
Foreign policy mixup leads to Obama's order that helps US
Global happiness index compiled by Peoples Cube researchers shows ThePeoplesCube.com is best and happiest website, has healthiest babies, most bountiful beet harvests, enjoys wisest leader
Babies 'R' Us launches in-crib air traffic controller monitor to put little ones off to sleep
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Ken Burns' DVD "The Domestic Contingency Operation" #1 on Amazon
As French troops close in on Côte d'Ivoire's President, Code Pink condemns France's 'War for Chocolate'
Seattle school renames Easter eggs 'Spring Spheres'; also renames Passover 'Please don't kill the first born in this house,' and Ramadam to 'Eat after dark, put on 20lbs'
Government shutdown averted, which means the hard-working unionized masses at the IRS will continue, without interruption, to write letters kindly asking citizens to "pay their fair share"
Media Matters reporting: Fox News to execute Glenn Beck next Tuesday
Conde Nast gave $8m to scammer who sent one email; elsewhere, electorate gave four years to scammer who had one slogan
Obama 2012: It's a Kinetic Voter Action, not a reelection campaign
As Japanese workers stuff newspapers into nuclear reactor to stop toxic leakage, questions arise if stuffing nuclear reactor into New York Times might bring similar beneficial results
Jihadists Without Borders rush to aid Libyian rebels
Obama skips trip to Mayan ruins, returns home to visit ruins of America instead
Apple unveils iPad 2.0; Obama unveils Bush 2.0
Biden: US troops in Libya could help save or create thousands of civilian lives
Maintaining two wars while starting a third proves easy for Nobel Peace Prize winner Obama
Mainstream media learns to stop worrying and love the war
NYT: Sometimes war can be the answer
NPR: War with Libya to reduce unemployment and carbon footprint
MSNBC: Counting civilian deaths in Libya too complicated
Obama suggests No-Fly Zone in Libya be modeled on his No-Decision Zone at White House
Nuke workers in Japan take advice from progressives, jam huge piece of regulation into reactor to cool it
Obama to Japanese people: 'Play golf and basketball; problems will go away'
Obama buys fiddle, heads to Rome
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Hawaii: Tsunami washes away Obama's birth certficate, forcing Gov. Abercrombie to give up on investigation
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Libya became the first country to formally recognize rebels' SSauthority in the state of Wisconsin
Meanwhile, Libyan rebels are fleeing after sustained attacks by government employees loyal to Colonel Gaddafi
Rumors of 'rape for food' treatment spread in UN refugee camps for Democrat senators fleeing Wisconsin
Mainstream media to keep up current protest coverage policy in Wisconsin: "See no Union, hear no Union"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Obama prayer breakfast features environmentally conscious and progressive god, as opposed to evil oppressor god of Bush years
Joe Biden: Egypt protests just a big pyramid scheme
Churchill: We will fight them on the beaches; Reagan: Tear down this wall; Obama: Follow me on twitter
Facebook sponsorship of Arab revolutions questioned by some
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Historical revisionists: "Hey, you never know"
Obama proposes national 'Win The Future' lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov't spending
Communist leader and Hu Jintau give joint White House press conference
Abortion horror in Philly: pro-choice activists need to tone down rhetoric
NARAL releases photo of Palin graphic with cross hairs over fetus
China's president calls international currency 'product of the past', wishes to use shiny clam shells
Detroit public schools focus on Green education as students harvest materials from abandoned school buildings to finance Teachers Union benefits
Obama eases Cuba travel: 30 refugees per raft instead of previous 20
Al Sharpton voices concern in the aftermath of New York City blizzard: disproportionate amount of city snowmen are white
New federal entitlement unveiled: all memorials to have Yaqui pray reader
New Democrat plan to enhance civility requires all GOP members to attend professionally managed Republicans Anonymous sessions
MSNBC: Congresswoman being shot in right side of head a proof that violence comes from the right
DHS 'see something, say something' program scrapped due to overload of whistle-blowing tips about DHS and the Obama administration
"No Labels" movement hits supermarkets with disastrous results
Comet and Blitzen refuse to serve with openly gay Dasher and Prancer
ACLU: Christmas tree lighting ceremonies create more terrorists


Obama leaving press conference marks beginning of gradual withdrawal from White House by 2012
Al Qaeda establishes 'Off with their heads' scholarship fund for British students
Jeremiah Wright goes to Stockholm with a sermon 'Sweden's chickens are coming home to roost'
Obama warns Sweden not to jump to conclusions: 'not all suicide bombers are terrorists'
Muslim woman guilty of drunk driving won't remove scarf for jail photo
New York Times sues Wikileaks for unauthorized release of its business model: "We're the ones stealing military secrets!"
Democrat voters frustrated over Wikileaks failure to implicate Bush in stealing Iraqi oil
White House considers launching a Wikidiaper website
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Gibbs: basketball game in which Obama split his lip was started by Bush
Obama names his 12 lip stitches "Mark, Luke, John, Matthew, Paul, Peter..."
Newest TSA slogan "Smell my finger" turns out to be an inside joke
North Korea attacks; American peace groups quickly react by not organizing antiwar marches, not burning DPRK flags, not painting Hitler mustache on effigies of Kim Jung Il, and not chanting "peace now"
Hollywood refuses to brand Kim Jung Il war monger and lying liar, sends Oliver Stone on fact-finding mission
Study: a Google search for body count website listing civilian deaths in Korea brought no results
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Irish economy in a shambles but who cares; St Patrick’s day is only 4 months away
Obama to cut Medicare as soon as debt panel finds a way to blame it on Republicans
Aging Democratic Party Politburo refuses to give way to younger apparatchiks
Soros escape pod seen over Los Angeles; clueless Pentagon denies 'action by U.S. adversary,' searches ocean bed for hatches and trap doors
Just in: fall of USSR result of not speaking to people effectively, teleprompters not having been invented yet
Obama to America: "Mumbai is awesome! Wish you were here. Wire money"
Obama's final appeal to voters: Have the courage and integrity to rubber stamp my rubber stamps!
Obama distances from himself in Charlottesville to woo Virginia voters
Juan Williams hired by Fox News to represent liberals; show titled You've seen Juan, you've seen 'em all
Google expands maps and street views to include Google Colonoscopy: zero in on target and get detailed view with few clicks of mouse. New program supported by several gov't agencies, most notably IRS
New polling indicates American voters no longer want change, they just want their money back
Democrats launch "Take Our Jobs" campaign as only seven Americans agreed to vote for them
Obama ends war, blames Iraq car explosions on faulty non-union manufactured spare parts
Democrats pull troops out of Iraq to fight the 'real war' on Christine O' Donnell
In effort to appeal to NOW feminists, Christine O'Donnell changes name to Rosie, gains 400lbs
Obama goes to church, worships self
Study: Obama's threat to butn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties


GOP: a Rove by any other name still smells the same
Imam Rauf finds a peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
New Yorkers to Rauf: 'move mosque to Mecca; Ground Zero at location can be arranged'
Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet
General Petraeus: non-halal meals, uncovered female Americans endanger U.S. troops
U.S. forces in Afghanistan brace for backlash after President's message on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kipur
Cardboard cutouts used to fill empty seats for Obama's appearance as Obama takes credit for creating jobs in cardboard-cutout sector
Taliban commanders warn that a plan to build Ground Zero mosque could provoke violence against their troops and operatives overseas
MSNBC suggests Florida church burn Bible instead of Koran; fewer pages mean smaller carbon footprint
New York Neighbors for American Values offer to voluntarily behead themselves to prove tolerance to Muslims; rabbi Arthur Waskow offers to self-incinerate in oven instead
The U.N. posthumously awards all French military personal that served during May of 1940 a medal for Courageous Restraint
White House revises policy to announce when President is at work instead of announcing when he is going on vacation
Seattle: sonic booms of fighter jets shatter glass, stimulate economy
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
White House: Spanish vacation saved or created 3,427 jobs
Pelosi issues recall of House, citing electoral safety concerns
Obama's lack of cojones a bold-face lie: proof
Elton John Working On Anti-Obama Musical
Congress ceases Pentagon spending, outsources armed forces to China
Shirley Sherrod accepts apology, gets new gov't job in End of Life Counseling
On first visit as Britain's PM, David Cameron chooses a communist state, seeks détente
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
GOP challengers promise post-racial presidency after 2012
Doctors: Glenn Beck's worsening eyesight and inability to focus give hope he may yet join other media and follow Obama
Parachuting donkey lands into Vice President's desk, continues business as usual
Obama calls on radical groups to comply with rules for radicals
NAACP condemns racism within al Qaeda: 'We don't have a problem with radicals, we have an issue with their acceptance of white Arab supremacists into their organizations'
Obama denies al-Qaeda stimulus money, redirects funds to 'less racist' man-made disaster management organizations
In view of lasting heat wave, all weather forecasts are temporarily replaced with 'An Inconvenient Truth' infomercials
NAACP strongly denounces The New Black Panthers
Caught in another hateful rant, Mel Gibson apologizes to representatives of hurt communities: Russian mail-order bride community, silicone breast-implant community, slutty clothes designer community, Vegas whore community, rapist community, and personally to Al Sharpton
Europe: Oracle Octopus predicts World Cup winner;
USA: Oracle Dodo predicts economic growth
Today's box office: LeBron knixes New York in a suspense thriller The Field of Nightmares (Tax Them and They Won't Come)

In a last-ditch effort to get popular with Americans, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan reveals she's a Russian spy, photoshops her face on Anna Chapman's nude photos, wins by a landslide
Portland Tribune to receive Pulitzer Prize for best investigative non-reporting of Al Gore's sexual public service blooper
War on Arizona turns to quagmire; Obama sets timetable on American withdrawal by 2011
MSNBC: Obama's firing McChrystal a positive move to bring long-awaited improvement in oil-spill-affected news coverage
Harry Reid changes name to John F Kennedy in last ditch effort to win re-election
White House spokesman Gibbs clarifies why President's answers to nation's problems seem surreal, bizarre and inappropriate, by comparing reporter's question to a purple polka-dotted people-eater riding a tricycle
Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium
President taps Pay Czar for BP payouts to victims: Unions order freighter of champagne
EPA: New climate bill will cost less than a postage stamp a day to those still able to afford a postage stamp
Helen Thomas Gets "Rachel Corrie Golden Bulldozer Award"
Puzzled media: Apparently, Al Gore is pro-drill
Gay Pride parade in Gaza cancels inclusion of Israeli group
Obama blames Bush for screwing up his 'Don't Make Excuses' grad speech in Kalamazoo, Michigan
Helen Thomas to leave US for ancestral Lebanon to no longer be occupier of La Raza's Land
Following phrase scheduled to appear on every Sunday morning news show: 'What Helen actually ment to say was...'

Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
Obama's Deficit Reduction Commission operating in the red
Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears
Democrats introduce bill regulating who can be a politician
BP hires Gaza flotilla peace activists to beat oil back into hole
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