News We Don't Have Time To Write About (archive)

Taliban revise burka policy after realizing uncovered women can do more damage to US military than suicide bombers

China's Peoples Daily launches attack on New York Times in what State Dept classifies as "friendly fire" incident

Democrats seek experienced Somali pirates to launch "Pirate the Vote" campaign in battleground states

Ohio elections: Obama promotes Somali pirate participation with promise of pre-paid propaganda parrot with each swiped ballot

Children blame their parents in pro-Obama music video produced by the Menendez brothers

Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama

As hurricane Sandy remains undecided about where to make landfall, Frank Luntz books her for next focus group

Obama apologizes to Muslim community for foiled Federal Reserve bomb plot, blames despicable Capital One credit card commercial, promises to arrest Alec Baldwin

Americans prepare for obnoxious Thanksgiving relatives by watching reruns of Biden/Ryan debate

Obamacare experts promise that hospital patients will soon be able to see Alren Specter's head get attached to Joe Biden's body

Republican War Machine sent one of Romney clones to Debate Obama

Obama: "Let them eat statistics"

Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed

Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory

Obama to Middle East flag burners: "You didn't burn that, somebody else made that happen"

FBI's billion dollar facial recognition software malfunctions after scan of Nancy Pelosi's face

Hurricane Isaac: a preview of things to come if Republicans go through with their plan to deregulate weather

Obama declares Tampa a Federal Disaster Zone; DHS relocates Romney, Ryan to FEMA-approved refugee facilities

Obama to Evangelicals: Jesus saves, I just spend

Troubled Harry Reid again arrested for DWI, resisting arrest while naked

Obama and Democrats alienate yet another loyal voter bloc: Necro-Americans

Unregulated Americans rampage and pillage following regulatory Czar Cass Sunstein's resignation

Team USA beats Nigeria by 83 points after receiving email from Nigerian prince offering 3 gold medals each if they send him theirs first

Tropical storm Ernesto: countdown begins to MSNBC exalting it as "Hurricane Che"

Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels

Witness: "The line at Chick-fil-A was so long, I thought Obamcare had already been implemented."

GM profits plunge 41%; CEO to make desperate statement in favor of traditional marriage

Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff of it

Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas) sponsors House Resolution to have Mercury (Hg) removed from Periodic Chart as a means of fighting pollution, global warming

Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics

Media to refer to gold medal winners as one-percenters

John Kerry: "Send back those medals - it's the only fair thing to do!"

Obama apologizes for U.S. Olympic success: "They didn't win that."

Olympic Committee to withdraw medals from non-unionized athletes, give them to deserving Public Employee Union members

Study: If water boarding were a sexual preference it would be part of public school curriculum

Obama Administration reportedly runs food stamps across the border with Mexico in an operation code-named "Fat And Furious"

Experts: Communism is to Socialism, what Bud is to Bud Light

Did you know? Dead plants and animals are an environmental tragedy; dead border patrol agents are just a statistic

Report: Obama too half-white to address half of NAACP delegation

Latest figures reveal Obama leading Romney, 117 to 55, in using first-person pronouns "I" and "me" in speeches

Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"

Experts have little hope for Venezuela surviving late-stage metastasized Chavez

In addition to giving your wedding gifts to Obama, you can now also write Obama into your will, family trust, or grant him power of attorney over your estate - all through innovative online service at Legalchoom.gov/grift

Obama re-election campaign announces Independence Day fire sale of "old-fashioned White House junk"

Proof of "God particle" found; ACLU files suit against astrophysicists

Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"

"How to Impeach a Supreme Court Justice" debuts at #1 on New York Times bestseller list

Justice Scalia: "Hitting refresh on Drudge Report isn't going to make wording of healthcare decision any different"

Obama Admin launches new series, Game Of Drones

MSNBC: Rodney King dies as a result of wounds sustained in 1991 police beating

White House: Manufacturing millions "I Heart Gringos" welcoming guest worker uniforms will save or create enough jobs to compensate for the 800,000 taken away by new arrivals

Catching up with President Kardashian, Joe Biden changes name to Hilton, uploads sex video

Jay Carney: Nat'l security leaks are proof that President is fulfilling promise of most open and transparent administration ever

Canadian Cannibal admits to being influenced by Occupy Wall Street chant 'Eat the Rich'

Mostly peaceful dems on Twitter mostly peacefully declare they want to mostly peacefully kill Governor Walker

Walker wins; two MSNBC hosts commit suicide live on air

Obama: 'As soon as Bush walked back into the White House, unemployment went up'

Bloomberg to restrict children's access to Food Network in NYC metro area; shows with high-calory content to air after 8pm

Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich

White House confirms Obama has daughters and spoke of 'sons' merely out of gender-blindness: 'We all know that sexual organs are a discriminatory social construct that must be deconstructed'

Historians: Before HOPE & CHANGE there was HEMP & CHOOM at ten bucks a bag

Study: Obama doesn't like "fat cats" because he is a "dog person"

Dems claim their attacks on Haley, Palin, Ann Romney are not "War on Conservative Women," but rather "Domestic Feminist Contingency Operation"

Biden launches his 2012 campaign to get thrown off ticket by blaming Tea Party for bad economy

Obama to Cory Booker: a mind is a terrible thing to use

Summer dead; Gore blames climate change

In attempt to recover $2 billion loss, JP Morgan Chase renames itself Chasebook

Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party

As election campaign heats up, Obama promises students to forgive their sins

Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name

Democrat geneologists: every time you drop litter on highway, Elizabeth Warren sheds a single tear

Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans

Michelle: My stick is bigger than Barack's

Breaking news: one year later, Bin Laden still dead

Obama in Afghanistan: American chicken is going home to roost

Elizabeth Warren claims kinship to Sitting Bull; receives Indian name of Lying Cow

Obama: Killing one terrorist is a triumph, killing millions of jobs is a statistic

May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above

Study: North Korean Army threats as credible as White House news briefings

Obama to Congress: my government, my business

WH news briefing cut short after Jay Carney's pants spontaneously self-combust

Catholic Bishops order supersize confession booth for James Carney

Romney campaign requests Obama's fourth-grade book report on World of Dogs; Obama says, 'I ate it'

Insulted by Romney's accusation of them doing Obama's bidding, enraged media demand immediate instructions from White House on how to respond

Hillary in Colombian bar: Read my hips!

Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'

Obama: If I had a mother, she'd look like Trayvon Martin's

Study: Ozzie Guillen's beatdown by U.S. media not as bad as beatdown in Cuban prison for speaking out

Olbermann: "They fired me for wearing a hoodie!"

Cheney gets new heart; nation also hopeful that Biden gets brain, Obama courage, and House drops on Pelosi

Trayvor Martin shooting causes fear of backlash among Latinos with old-Jewish-guy names

In effort to escape vigilante justice, George Zimmerman changes name to George Dylan

Larry Sinclair: : If I had a son, he'd look like Barack Obama

Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off

To raise awareness about how unattractive respiratory disorders can be, Obama's FDA bans over-the-counter sales of asthma inhalers

Turning disaster into success, Disney renames failing "John Carter" movie to "John Reagan"

Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law

Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"

UN: Iron Dome system in Israel too successful, may cause humanitarian crisis as desperate Gaza officials are forced to divert funds from education and healthcare in order to compensate for destroyed missiles

People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies

Whitney Houston and Elvis seen at Obama fundraiser

Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome

Battle of the Fluke: Dept. of Health and Human Services jumps into the fray by changing emblem from "Eagle of Soaring Prices" to "Woodpecker of Reproductive Justice"

Dept. of Energy certifies Georgetown Law School sex drive as clean energy source, adds to number of green jobs created

Limbaugh controversy prompts Atlantic City casinos to preemptively shut down wildly popular Sandra Fluke slot machines

Democrats push for a death tax on aborted fetuses, to be paid for by insurance companies

Third-grader forced to apologize to Sandra Fluke for telling classmate, "Yo mama went to Georgetown Law School"

Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'

Putin's post-election tears sold for five million dollars on eBay, rumored to have magical and political powers; buyer identified by initials B.O.

Rush Limbaugh apologizes for criticizing Sandra Fluke's reproductive hobbies, sends her complimentary condoms and a video camera

Obama: I don't want anyone punished with a birth certificate

Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!

Supportive Americans send Sandra Fluke thousands of contraceptives in hopes she'll never reproduce

Georgetown Law School students set to receive scholarships from Crate'O'Condoms manufacturer Johnson & Johnson

Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college

Rescue team recovers Obama's birth certificate ten miles away from tornado path

Supporting Obama's Pond Scum Initiative, US Rep. Waters changes her name to Maxine "Stagnant" Waters

US commander in Afghanistan attempts to quell rioters by burning the American equivalent of the Koran - a year's subscription of 'Goosebumps'

Colorado school board: Islamic harassment of choir student not in violation of DOE guidelines on death threats

Obama refutes charges of being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"

Maya Angelou: "Whitney's dead, Santorum did it, Romney gave the gun, and Gingrich hid it"

Larry Flint: Santorum aspirin position in poor taste and beyond the pale

Israel invades Iranian air space to drop thousands of Fallout Shelter Manuals in Farsi

Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere

Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"

Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed

Nation grateful to Madonna for promise to keep clothes on at Super Bowl

Trump endorses self, calls self to congratulate

Pelosi backs merger of Girl Scouts with Planned Parenthood: 'Who's NOT planning to be a parent at 12 these days?'

Groundhog Day news: Punxsutawney Phil doesn't see Obama's shadow

Obama's critics respond to Newsweek cover by publishing 'Defeating Obama for Dummies'

ACLU flooded with questions from donors: 'how and who to pray to in order to have Tim Tebow smitten?'

North Pole shuts down as elves unionize, demand warmer work environment

Comet and Blitzen refuse to serve with openly gay Dasher and Prancer

Rudolph publishes auto-biography, says shiny nose still cause for discrimination

Santa's sleigh grounded: PETA files animal cruelty suit against jolly old St. Nick

Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday

Adults to Occupiers: there is no socialist Santa Claus; OWS protesters vow to continue demanding free chocolate cookies and milk

EPA to collect carbon tax on coal left in naughty childrens' stockings this Christmas

Carney: new tax on Christians to help improve Christ's image via NEA grants

Obama: this isn't Christmas tax, it's Jizya

Mainstream media exposes Cain's radical ties to Koch-funded abolitionist movement

Dems compromise with Cain, only 10 lashes if he returns to plantation now

White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus

NY Daily News poll asking New Yorkers about Wall Street protesters uncovers glitch in People's Math: 79% want to see 99% kicked out

Democrats to Wall Street Occupiers: We're with you, but please don't harass our biggest donors!

Iran 'will pay a price' for assassination plot: Obama will not bow to Ahmadinejad for minimum of 90 days

Gov't blocks AT&T/T-MOBILE merger, cites "insufficient 2012 campaign donations"

Paul Krugman predicts stimulus package named "Irene" will improve economy this weekend

Republicans block Obama's $420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck

Opposition wrongfully labels as "vacation" President's plan to join toiling workers in cranberry bogs of Martha's Vineyard

Carney calls Obama vacation 'stimulative,' estimates it will create 4 million jobs

Unemployment promises not to rise until after Obama's vacation

Gorbachev to Obama: 'I too should have abandoned the Communist party earlier'

Obama tours states in long black bus; Biden to follow in short bus

Gaddafi petitions UN to support London rebels, demands resignation of British Prime Minister

Six Flags opens new roller coaster called The Dow Jones

Obama blames Thomas Jefferson for current economic woes; Biden says it's King George's fault

Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space

President to interrupt his schedule, go on apology tour to Bible Belt, bow before local Church leaders

Media: Why do Christians hate us?

U.S. Board of Education institutes "Christian for a Day" program in public schools, considers celebrating Christmas

Ridley Scott to remake Kingdom of Heaven, this time portraying Crusaders as a peaceful, moderate group

Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost

Progressive dream comes true: Nordic-looking Christian male commits act of terror

Racist NY Times quick to blame Muslims for Norway attack

Experts: new media standard dawns as headlines rush to describe race, color, and religion of Norwegian shooter

Los Angeles: bicyclists replace Prius owners as smuggest commuters

Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't

Summer fun looks up! June jobs numbers up from 18,000 new jobs to loss of 26,000 jobs

DNC eyes Romney as possible nominee for 2012

Nancy Grace on Casey Anthony verdict: "Somewhere out there, the devil is dancing tonight." Devil to Nancy: "I haven't danced since Roe v Wade"

Obama's teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: "Too few words"

White House admits to falling behind schedule in finding new populist, vapid 2012 reelection slogan

State Department: We're not bombing in Libya; we're only dropping unsolicited instant demolition devices

Obama to Congress: "Unlike me, you're always on vacation. That's what you are but what am I?"

Obama: "We can't cut our way to prosperity, but we sure can spend our way to oblivion

NY approves gay marriage; any moment now straight people expected to take to streets in hissy fit protest, demanding courts to overturn

White House cuts government waste by consolidating all Federal websites into one easy-to-use 'Obama-For-America-2012' website

Obama: 'The American private sector must lead the recovery! That's an order - I just signed it'

Huntsman Who: 'I-m like Reagan - a very, very efficient policy-wonk collectivist technocrat'

Pelosi reverses stance, vows to go hard on Weiner

Study: 60% of New York voters believe that Rep. Weiner had penis planted on him by Republican operatives

Tired of jokes about his name, Rep. Weiner (D) changes it to Whinner

Activists against voter ID discovered to be teens in elaborate scheme to avoid being carded at area nightclub

Harry Reid: 'We believe in a living breathing budget that evolves as society changes - today, tomorrow, the next minute, the next election'

Obama Administration demands secrecy in implementing 'transparent government' policy

Foreign policy mixup leads to Obama's order that helps US

Global happiness index compiled by Peoples Cube researchers shows ThePeoplesCube.com is best and happiest website, has healthiest babies, most bountiful beet harvests, enjoys wisest leader

Babies 'R' Us launches in-crib air traffic controller monitor to put little ones off to sleep

Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'

Ken Burns' DVD "The Domestic Contingency Operation" #1 on Amazon

As French troops close in on Côte d'Ivoire's President, Code Pink condemns France's 'War for Chocolate'

Seattle school renames Easter eggs 'Spring Spheres'; also renames Passover 'Please don't kill the first born in this house,' and Ramadam to 'Eat after dark, put on 20lbs'

Government shutdown averted, which means the hard-working unionized masses at the IRS will continue, without interruption, to write letters kindly asking citizens to "pay their fair share"

Media Matters reporting: Fox News to execute Glenn Beck next Tuesday

Conde Nast gave $8m to scammer who sent one email; elsewhere, electorate gave four years to scammer who had one slogan

Obama 2012: It's a Kinetic Voter Action, not a reelection campaign

As Japanese workers stuff newspapers into nuclear reactor to stop toxic leakage, questions arise if stuffing nuclear reactor into New York Times might bring similar beneficial results

Jihadists Without Borders rush to aid Libyian rebels

Obama skips trip to Mayan ruins, returns home to visit ruins of America instead

Apple unveils iPad 2.0; Obama unveils Bush 2.0

Biden: US troops in Libya could help save or create thousands of civilian lives

Maintaining two wars while starting a third proves easy for Nobel Peace Prize winner Obama

Mainstream media learns to stop worrying and love the war

NYT: Sometimes war can be the answer

NPR: War with Libya to reduce unemployment and carbon footprint

MSNBC: Counting civilian deaths in Libya too complicated

Obama suggests No-Fly Zone in Libya be modeled on his No-Decision Zone at White House

Nuke workers in Japan take advice from progressives, jam huge piece of regulation into reactor to cool it

Obama to Japanese people: 'Play golf and basketball; problems will go away'

Obama buys fiddle, heads to Rome

Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights

Hawaii: Tsunami washes away Obama's birth certficate, forcing Gov. Abercrombie to give up on investigation

Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke

Libya became the first country to formally recognize rebels' authority in the state of Wisconsin

Meanwhile, Libyan rebels are fleeing after sustained attacks by government employees loyal to Colonel Gaddafi

Rumors of 'rape for food' treatment spread in UN refugee camps for Democrat senators fleeing Wisconsin

Mainstream media to keep up current protest coverage policy in Wisconsin: "See no Union, hear no Union"

Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness

Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"

Obama prayer breakfast features environmentally conscious and progressive god, as opposed to evil oppressor god of Bush years

Joe Biden: Egypt protests just a big pyramid scheme

Churchill: We will fight them on the beaches; Reagan: Tear down this wall; Obama: Follow me on twitter

Facebook sponsorship of Arab revolutions questioned by some

Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh

Historical revisionists: "Hey, you never know"

Obama proposes national 'Win The Future' lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov't spending

Communist leader and Hu Jintau give joint White House press conference

Abortion horror in Philly: pro-choice activists need to tone down rhetoric

NARAL releases photo of Palin graphic with cross hairs over fetus

China's president calls international currency 'product of the past', wishes to use shiny clam shells

Detroit public schools focus on Green education as students harvest materials from abandoned school buildings to finance Teachers Union benefits

Obama eases Cuba travel: 30 refugees per raft instead of previous 20

Al Sharpton voices concern in the aftermath of New York City blizzard: disproportionate amount of city snowmen are white

New federal entitlement unveiled: all memorials to have Yaqui pray reader

New Democrat plan to enhance civility requires all GOP members to attend professionally managed Republicans Anonymous sessions

MSNBC: Congresswoman being shot in right side of head a proof that violence comes from the right

DHS 'see something, say something' program scrapped due to overload of whistle-blowing tips about DHS and the Obama administration

"No Labels" movement hits supermarkets with disastrous results

Comet and Blitzen refuse to serve with openly gay Dasher and Prancer

ACLU: Christmas tree lighting ceremonies create more terrorists

Obama leaving press conference marks beginning of gradual withdrawal from White House by 2012

Al Qaeda establishes 'Off with their heads' scholarship fund for British students

Jeremiah Wright goes to Stockholm with a sermon 'Sweden's chickens are coming home to roost'

Obama warns Sweden not to jump to conclusions: 'not all suicide bombers are terrorists'

Muslim woman guilty of drunk driving won't remove scarf for jail photo

New York Times sues Wikileaks for unauthorized release of its business model: "We're the ones stealing military secrets!"

Democrat voters frustrated over Wikileaks failure to implicate Bush in stealing Iraqi oil

White House considers launching a Wikidiaper website

Gibbs: basketball game in which Obama split his lip was started by Bush

Obama names his 12 lip stitches "Mark, Luke, John, Matthew, Paul, Peter..."

Newest TSA slogan "Smell my finger" turns out to be an inside joke

North Korea attacks; American peace groups quickly react by not organizing antiwar marches, not burning DPRK flags, not painting Hitler mustache on effigies of Kim Jung Il, and not chanting "peace now"

Hollywood refuses to brand Kim Jung Il war monger and lying liar, sends Oliver Stone on fact-finding mission

Study: a Google search for body count website listing civilian deaths in Korea brought no results

Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years

Irish economy in a shambles but who cares; St Patrick’s day is only 4 months away

Obama to cut Medicare as soon as debt panel finds a way to blame it on Republicans

Aging Democratic Party Politburo refuses to give way to younger apparatchiks

Soros escape pod seen over Los Angeles; clueless Pentagon denies 'action by U.S. adversary,' searches ocean bed for hatches and trap doors

Just in: fall of USSR result of not speaking to people effectively, teleprompters not having been invented yet

Obama to America: "Mumbai is awesome! Wish you were here. Wire money"

Obama's final appeal to voters: Have the courage and integrity to rubber stamp my rubber stamps!

Obama distances from himself in Charlottesville to woo Virginia voters

Juan Williams hired by Fox News to represent liberals; show titled You've seen Juan, you've seen 'em all

Google expands maps and street views to include Google Colonoscopy: zero in on target and get detailed view with few clicks of mouse. New program supported by several gov't agencies, most notably IRS

New polling indicates American voters no longer want change, they just want their money back

Democrats launch "Take Our Jobs" campaign as only seven Americans agreed to vote for them

Obama ends war, blames Iraq car explosions on faulty non-union manufactured spare parts

Democrats pull troops out of Iraq to fight the 'real war' on Christine O' Donnell

In effort to appeal to NOW feminists, Christine O'Donnell changes name to Rosie, gains 400lbs

Obama goes to church, worships self

Study: Obama's threat to butn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties

GOP: a Rove by any other name still smells the same

Imam Rauf finds a peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'

New Yorkers to Rauf: 'move mosque to Mecca; Ground Zero at location can be arranged'

Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet

General Petraeus: non-halal meals, uncovered female Americans endanger U.S. troops

U.S. forces in Afghanistan brace for backlash after President's message on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kipur

Cardboard cutouts used to fill empty seats for Obama's appearance as Obama takes credit for creating jobs in cardboard-cutout sector

Taliban commanders warn that a plan to build Ground Zero mosque could provoke violence against their troops and operatives overseas

MSNBC suggests Florida church burn Bible instead of Koran; fewer pages mean smaller carbon footprint

New York Neighbors for American Values offer to voluntarily behead themselves to prove tolerance to Muslims; rabbi Arthur Waskow offers to self-incinerate in oven instead

The U.N. posthumously awards all French military personal that served during May of 1940 a medal for Courageous Restraint

White House revises policy to announce when President is at work instead of announcing when he is going on vacation

Seattle: sonic booms of fighter jets shatter glass, stimulate economy

Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs

White House: Spanish vacation saved or created 3,427 jobs

Pelosi issues recall of House, citing electoral safety concerns

Obama's lack of cojones a bold-face lie: proof

Elton John Working On Anti-Obama Musical

Congress ceases Pentagon spending, outsources armed forces to China

Shirley Sherrod accepts apology, gets new gov't job in End of Life Counseling

On first visit as Britain's PM, David Cameron chooses a communist state, seeks détente

Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future

GOP challengers promise post-racial presidency after 2012

Doctors: Glenn Beck's worsening eyesight and inability to focus give hope he may yet join other media and follow Obama

Parachuting donkey lands into Vice President's desk, continues business as usual

Obama calls on radical groups to comply with rules for radicals

NAACP condemns racism within al Qaeda: 'We don't have a problem with radicals, we have an issue with their acceptance of white Arab supremacists into their organizations'

Obama denies al-Qaeda stimulus money, redirects funds to 'less racist' man-made disaster management organizations

In view of lasting heat wave, all weather forecasts are temporarily replaced with 'An Inconvenient Truth' infomercials

NAACP strongly denounces The New Black Panthers

Caught in another hateful rant, Mel Gibson apologizes to representatives of hurt communities: Russian mail-order bride community, silicone breast-implant community, slutty clothes designer community, Vegas whore community, rapist community, and personally to Al Sharpton

Europe: Oracle Octopus predicts World Cup winner;
USA: Oracle Dodo predicts economic growth

Today's box office: LeBron knixes New York in a suspense thriller The Field of Nightmares (Tax Them and They Won't Come)

In a last-ditch effort to get popular with Americans, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan reveals she's a Russian spy, photoshops her face on Anna Chapman's nude photos, wins by a landslide

Portland Tribune to receive Pulitzer Prize for best investigative non-reporting of Al Gore's sexual public service blooper

War on Arizona turns to quagmire; Obama sets timetable on American withdrawal by 2011

MSNBC: Obama's firing McChrystal a positive move to bring long-awaited improvement in oil-spill-affected news coverage

Harry Reid changes name to John F Kennedy in last ditch effort to win re-election

White House spokesman Gibbs clarifies why President's answers to nation's problems seem surreal, bizarre and inappropriate, by comparing reporter's question to a purple polka-dotted people-eater riding a tricycle

Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium

President taps Pay Czar for BP payouts to victims: Unions order freighter of champagne

EPA: New climate bill will cost less than a postage stamp a day to those still able to afford a postage stamp

Helen Thomas Gets "Rachel Corrie Golden Bulldozer Award"

Puzzled media: Apparently, Al Gore is pro-drill

Gay Pride parade in Gaza cancels inclusion of Israeli group

Obama blames Bush for screwing up his 'Don't Make Excuses' grad speech in Kalamazoo, Michigan

Helen Thomas to leave US for ancestral Lebanon to no longer be occupier of La Raza's Land

Following phrase scheduled to appear on every Sunday morning news show: 'What Helen actually ment to say was...'

Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History

Obama's Deficit Reduction Commission operating in the red

Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears

Democrats introduce bill regulating who can be a politician

BP hires Gaza flotilla peace activists to beat oil back into hole

Obama adopts White House mole, names him 'Guaca' in honor of Mexican president

Blumenthal injured by swiftboating, earns Purple Heart

Spurred by Arizona immigration controversy, Obama Administration moves to secure the border with Canada

We are all greeks now!

Angry drug smugglers and human traffickers become latest group to boycott Arizona over immigration law

CNN: Failed Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad had links to Pakistani Tea Party movement

Buy this bumper sticker!

President to remove oil slick with effective Toxic Accident Leak Kleaner (TALK), which is cheap and easily spreadable with mass media applicators

Loophole preemptively shuts down three branches of government, coinciding with Obama preemptively shutting down oil production

SEC researchers watch porn, discover ways to self-stimulate economy

Federal gov't sets stage to bail out federal gov't

Obama reaches out to Tea Parties, incorporates their ideas of limited gov't in new multi-trillion dollar stimulus package

Focus group: tanning salon tax disproportionately targets white people

Fidel Castro endorses Joe Biden's comment on passing healthcare reform

Pelosi: Voting one by one is so 18th century

Healthcare summit: Obama reveals he is bipartisan-curious

The new battle cry of Massachusetts: The turncoats are coming!

Crouching Tiger, Slouching Press

Deniers drop tons of foot powder on Washington to emulate snow blizzard during hottest Global Warming winter on record

Radical anti- American leader blames US for Global Warming

Obama's SOTU changes the meaning of "cultivate" to "cultiveight": build up a perception that the current woes are the result of the previous eight years

O's first year in office: 2 million jobs saved, 76 major natural disasters prevented

Dead-Americans claim voter fraud in Massachusetts: cemeteries denied access to polling places, Senator Kennedy demands recount

Defeated in Mass elections, Obama warns against getting a ride from anyone in Kennedy's seat

Mayor Nagin sends 200 school buses to Haiti; Gov. Blanco appointed to oversee construction of Superdome

Closer inspection of Kennedy Seat revealed it's an old car seat with water damage

Unusually cold winter causes liberals to keep hands in OWN pockets

Obama's DHS: Detroit attack 'wardrobe malfunction'

Air Force deploys eavesdropping spy plane codenamed 'Jewish mother'

Seven more women claim to have had lip exchanges with St. Nick underneath mistletoe

Mrs. Claus found standing over bleeding hubby next to wrecked sleigh, holding nutcracker

North Pole shuts down as elves unionize, demand warmer work environment

Time editors still undecided who to select as 'Barack of the Year' in 2009

Obama revolutionizes war: 'leaving' is the new 'victory'

ACORN to change name to CHESTNUT; meaning of new acronym still being debated

Obama's new autobiography tentatively titled Going Rouge

Antartica's Ross Island Detainment Center (RID-C) receives first batch of climate-change skeptics

Obama saves big on high cost of turkey for the troops by delaying Afghan surge until after Thanksgiving

Retailers begin annual cash- in on Christian holiday they refuse to mention by name

Christmas & Healthcare Reform season classic:
It's a Wonderful Death!

NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book

Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome

Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones

Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties

Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution

Police trained in using end of life counseling techniques to negotiate suicide threats

Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge

Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins

Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention

Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes

Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal

Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'

Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next

Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists

buy this sticker

Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform

Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled

Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR

Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom

Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'

Saudis: the word 'assassination' will never be the same

Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership

Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain

Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa

Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long

Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"

Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk

Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back of bus

Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?

Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage

'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)

Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off

Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke

Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids

Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw

White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'

Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union Label

Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge

Gotham villains working for the Common Good™


National-socialist health care?


Obamacare is finger-liking good!


buy a T-shirt

Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS

ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit

Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar

Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased

Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'

Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!

On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides

Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters

Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush

Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate

Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination

Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies

Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground

Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument

Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life

SPONSORED BY:








visit our new Che Heart store

Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights

ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional

Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign

DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'

CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought

Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman

White House tree commits suicide over economic policy

Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'

Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'

In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities

Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools

Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list

Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote

Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind

Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"

Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals

Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls

Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on

Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'

Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'

Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!

buy this sticker

Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden

Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu

Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'

DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberry

Dow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15

WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents use

DHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck

Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank

Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech

Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive

Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"

Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"

Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube


Obama gives Queen a shovel



click here

Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism

Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism

NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann

Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don't leave home without it'

Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans'

After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape

Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh

Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend

Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside

Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes"

Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest

Seven Obama cousins found living in voting booth

click here for the story

click here for the story

Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it

Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice

Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge

Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans

Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge

view larger

Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing

No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention

Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies

MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush'

Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.'

More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers

Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama

Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20

Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America

You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy

Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK.

Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers

Somali pirates hijack international space station

Laika the Space Dog considered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers"

CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide

US choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria

US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we'll be a Peace Keeping force

Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check!

Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word

FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud

Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan'

Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber

Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them

World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you'

Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail'

Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crash

Dead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN

Biden calls taxes patriotic

Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter

Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror

Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine"

Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby

Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter"

Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart

Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked

Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan

Obama beats Hillary to oveted CPUSA endorsement

February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so."

Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag

US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph

Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score

Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected

Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals

International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes

Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years

NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq

Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia

Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached

Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge

Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it.

Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day

Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures

Grand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt

Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans?

CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company

Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint

Word of the day:
HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to Hussein

How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problem

Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest

Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake

Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew'

NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station

Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination

Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media

Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans'

Hillary supporters
organize against Obama

Obama: we have always been at peace with Hillary Clinton

Janet Reno congratulates
Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists

Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead

Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up

New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar

As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved

Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket

Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it

International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma

Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator

North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria

buy T-shirt

Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off

Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children!

Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools

Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich

Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise

Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich

Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope

Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners

Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change

Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday

Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush

Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win

Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course

Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally

Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare

Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy

Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month

NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes

Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes"

Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment

Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person"

LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead

USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller

Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's
lead, declare "there are no
dykes in Holland"

Reid: The war on fire is lost

MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home

Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire

Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia

Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California

NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires

BUY T-SHIRT

USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp

Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity

Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote

London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard

To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam

Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself

Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves

Sheryl Crow to wipe out Global Warming one butt at a time

Va Tech lessons for MSM: ban guns, rich kids

New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey

NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama

High school Meth teacher starts
new class


Did Che Guevara descend from
Prophet Mohammed?

Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General

Brokeback Mountain loses climber

KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next'

NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp

Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!'

Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"

Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists"

Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely

Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling

Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial

Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission

Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg

Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint

John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement

NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on Mars

Las Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers

Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib

Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak

Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign

Holy Mitt!

Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000%

"How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway

Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate

Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes

"Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad

Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive

New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline.

Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless-transgendered-vegan disabled-obese- Kartina-victim as a sidekick

Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish'

NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others

Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics

Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!"

Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants

Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart

Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program

Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month

First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle

Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead

William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package

Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis

Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough

Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress

Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news"

US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November

Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit.

Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!"

Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability

San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault

Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore

Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far.

click me

New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face

CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground"

Democrats unveil 2008 presidential campaign slogan: "Death to America"

Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark

End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France

Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him

Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes

Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming

To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama

George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam

Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers

John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care

Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't kill

Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense

"Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues

Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly

Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases

New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system

Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's death

Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison

China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists

Al Gore to recall the Internet

Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry

Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos

London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings

Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos"

Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"

Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship

Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric

Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it?

MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!

US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in Iraq

Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page

US Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for?

Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain"

Paris Hilton gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant

French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results

Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture

ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists'

Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops

As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem"

House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED

Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey

Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket

Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory

Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision

Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!"

Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues

Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries

Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards

Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again?

North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright

Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission

Google merges with ChiCom, bans People's Cube, changes name to "Gulagoogle"

Google's air strike destroys the People's Cube penis enlargement factory in Nigeria

Google investigation links the People's Cube to Viagra proliferation

Google's Matt Cutts: The People's Cube's hidden keywords cause Global Warming, terrorism

Google Über Alles! sing along version (turn on your speakers)

Google: information is like coffee and we're the filter

Cheney invites Ahmadinejad on quail hunting trip

Gay Film Awards Ceremony canceled due to overlapping schedule with the Oscars

Supreme Court sends military recruiters back on campus; Marxist recruiters sue over unfair competition

ACLU: high school stamp collectors are racists

Chuck Schumer: Dubai in charge of US ports is not the same as Moscow in charge of Hollywood

Bird flu finally hits US: Senate Democrats develop feverish concern about national security

UN issues report on human rights abuses by the US; also purchases a large glass house and a bag of stones

Kanye West at Mardi Gras in New Orleans: "George Bush doesn't care about black boobs "

2006 Winter Olympics: male ice skater disqualified for being straight

Bush responds to UN criticism of Gitmo, relocates detainees to Turtle Bay

Gun-toting Dick Cheney shoots someone: screw the details, we've got the headline!

Post Valentine Day drug- stores clear shelves for the next bullshit holiday

Cheney claims shooting was an isolated incident, not beginning of rampage: Senate Democrats breathe sigh of relief

Europe finally growing a pair of balls, albeit at a lower rate than expected

Cindy Sheehan to cartoon protestors: "It's 15 minutes, not 15 days!"

Sheehan to Iranian President: "Get off my front page, attention whore!"

Sheehan to Chavez: "Will You Be My Valentine?"

Republican speaks out against wiretaps, NY Times clears front page for next three weeks

DNC: Bush knew about Danish cartoons prior to publication

Muslims protest cartoons of bomber Mohammed by threatening to bomb cartoonist

Muslims demand Mohammed star on Hollywood Boulevard

Muslims concerned Mohammed star may be stepped on, demand stanchions and ropes

Mohammed to press: I'm bigger than Jesus!

Mohammed and Cindy Sheehan scheduled for cameo appearances in a new episode of the Simpsons

Reuters: US presence in Iraq creates unsafe conditions for foreign non-contractual instantaneous public demolition crews

Foreign non-contractual instantaneous public demolition crew in Iraq

Iranian President to denounce Bush's State of Union speech at the annual Gay Pride Parade in Tehran

Code Pink Jihad: Annual Gay Pride Parade in Tehran

Appeasement works: French domesticate Islamofascists, teach them useful skills

Ted Kennedy jumps on anti-war bandwagon, tips it over into a creek, many drown

Leaky CIA sieve located at Langley basement, replaced with new stainless sieve

Welfare recipient sues Nanny State for not disclosing addictive effects of hand-outs

Rescue teams save Al Gore from freezing as he tries to prove effects of Global Warming in Alaska

Berkeley scientists develop new ways to eliminate Republicans on campus

Natural disasters elaborate ploy to harm minorities, women

Attention New Orleans residents: when asked to evacuate, please leave

Celebrity activists shout twice as louder; Americans still not listening

Democrat plans to criticize enemy troops a no-starter

US military success demoralizes Congressional Democrats

Saudis to terrorists: don't blow it all in one place!

Local construction worker confuses Sen. Schumer with own complaining, annoying mother-in-law

Female US soldiers insulting to Muslim insurgents: won't wear veils, menstruate

Godiva and Hershey's battle to win New Orleans rebuilding contracts

Hot summer temperatures threaten chocolate skyscrapers in New Orleans

Nagin's chocolate: plenty of nuts, no white stuff

ACLU: Bush wiretapped Martin Luther King

Sam Alito exposed as member of organization that advocates work and personal responsibility

Alito still silent on transgender rights

NY Times: Alito's wife's crying slanders Biden, Kennedy, Schumer

PETA: Alito ignores puppy rights, fish suffrage

AP: Alito biased against insurgents, terrorists

Time: Rove engineered Alito wife's breakdown

Cindy Sheehan refuses to endorse Alito

Area cook: Racist Alito never orders ethnic food

Scientists: Mother Earth is a stupid fat cow

Iranian president proves that 2+2=4 is a Zionist falsehood

Congressional Democrats find new ways to punish the rich and reward the lazy

Air America Radio expands audience by 150%, adding two new listeners

BBC, Reuters hire suicide reporters

Ariana Huffington closes failed blog, enters convent

New study: sunlight causes global warming

North Pole shuts down as elves unionize, demand warmer work environment

Scab elf bludgeoned while trying to cross picket line

Santa's sleigh grounded: PETA files animal cruelty suit against jolly old St. Nick

Comet and Blitzen refuse to serve with openly gay Dasher and Prancer

Rudolph publishes auto-biography, says shiny nose still cause for discrimination

Hussein redeems himself of alleged crimes by writing children's book, 'Poor Little Arnok Will Never See His Parents Again.'

Saddam's book asking kids not to grow up as fascist dictators wins Pulitzer Prize, contract in Hollywood

Joan Baez and The Christian Peacemaker Teams! sing We Shall Overcome outside Baghdad courthouse

London fuel depot detonates self in protest over Britain's Iraq policy

Anti-war activists erect a makeshift memorial near blast site to honor fuel depot's self sacrifice

Black cloud from London blast covers France; "What else is new," says Frenchman

Dean: Republicans are polluting the true meaning of Christmas with religion

DNC Chair vows to take back the non-denomi-
national traditional winter festival from "the nuts who have hijacked it."

. . FAA relaxes carry on luggage restrictions

Planned Parenthood: the last thing we want you to do is become a parent

North Korea: because famines don't come naturally anymore

Wal-Mart capitalizes on anti-Wal-Mart sentiment, announces "save money and annoy liberals" blowout sale

French psyche manifests itself in world's first face transplant operation

Being two-faced now even easier for French

In other news: most Canada geese prefer to get medical treatment in the US

Al Qaeda's unilateral bombings in Jordan squander world media's sympathies

"Bush's mountain bike causes pollution" - Earthwatch

EU leaders praise Iran over softening anti-Israel stance from "annihilate" to "wipe out"

Iranian Prez: I said 'clean up Israel,' where did you get 'wipe out Israel' from?

Tehran: cleaning and landscaping squads on parade

A flock of Canada geese illegally obtain Florida driver licenses

New York Times declares Democrats in charge, endorses armed revolt

Democrats demand accountability for suicide bombers in Iraq

Barbara Boxer blows herself up over Karl Rove

Making a point by exploding: the new filibuster

Oil discovered on Mars; Halliburton to build risky interplanetary pipeline

Mom & Pop Store decimates local economy

Abbas: "pushing Jews into the sea" a bad slogan for PA vacation cruises. Marketing director executed

Rejected suicide recruit blows up al-Qaeda office to make a point

ACLU condemns al Qaeda terrorism against transgender civilians

Red Planet: astronomers trace origins of Marxism to Mars

France: disgusting or just pathetic?

Newsweek: French riots very classy, well dressed vandals, only one death

French intellectuals: jihad is not as cool as previously thought

Paris police begin aggressive distribution of white flags

US experts: French cars suck but they sure do burn good!

Chirac creates collaborationist Vichy government, appoints chief rioter

Mayor of Paris seeks compromise, renames Paris into Jihadabad

New French doctrine: controlled economy, laissez-faire policing

Historians: rioters show more zeal than French Army in 1914 and 1940

RIoters go on strike, demand 32-hour rioting week, workers' comp, paid vacation, retirement plan

Rioter: why pick a fight with Marines in Iraq when you can kick a French ass in Paris?

Thug: France wouldn't go to Falujah, so Falujah came to France

New York Times investigates CIA link in French riots

Krugman: French riots will spur economic revival

Dowd: rioting can be a good thing

TIME: Massive attempt to curb car use and global warming through burning vehicles in France

Have good wholesome fun scaring away weak liberals with the ghosts of work, family, responsibility, capitalism, Rush Limbaugh, and others!

Halloween witch hunt on Karl Rove to go ahead despite guilt or innocence Give the dead a living: Democrats promise benefits to dead constituents

Death chambers discovered in basements of all Wal-Mart stores

Studies: stem cell research could help lower gas prices, stop spread of bird flu

Dead couple denounces Bush's agenda, defends right to marry

Ward Churchill, educator Howard Dean, Chairman Ted Kennedy, Senator Al Gore, VIce President John Kerry, Senator	Hillary Clinton, Senator Cindy Sheehan, female Lynne Stewart, lawyer Chris Fraudoire, Governor-Pretend, WA Teresa Heinz Kerry, wife

Sheehan: "Civil Disobedience is freakin' hilarious; what happened to those funny-tasting brownies?" Perma-grin: Cindy Sheehan lectures officers on the "medicinal" virtues of marijuana during D.C. arrest Giggling Sheehan points to her new Che tattoo, says it should get a mugshot too Cindy to Pope: I am bigger than Jesus Sheehan's arresting officers develop scabies Cindy to military: get out of my country! Sheehan demands star on Hollywood Boulevard

Gumby, Barney, Elmo, and Ms. Piggy join Mr.Bill to criticize President Bush's slow response Katrina upgraded from hurricane to hate crime Scientists: at least one-third of hurricanes are racist Federal government failing to provide enough to loot, pillage Chairman Dean declares non-looters un-American Order from chaos: New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin appoints head looter Looters steal Fats Domino's thrill, capture Blueberry Hill Air America audiences decimated by Katrina as both listeners get relocated to Houston Syrians Funding New Orleans Insurgency Time Mag. Exclusive: Behind the Scenes With New Orleanian Freedom Fighters Louisiana Baath Party in Shambles Fedayeen Nagin Control Airport Human Shields Surround Superdome National Guard Abandons American Embassy in New Orleans Sean Penn Reports From New Orleans: "There's Nowhere to Piss" Bush administration to convert refugees to a cheap, efficient fuel source Anarchy not as cool as previously thought: reporters surprised Jacques Chirac annexes French Quarter, reopens brothels for personal use Cindy Sheehan protests national guard relief efforts, blocks road to New Orleans for four days New Orleans blues aficionados: now there's something to sing about! Looters, rapists: more gun control, please! Woman groped during air rescue, files suit PETA ignores drowning humans, saves 3 snakes and 5 frogs in French Quarter Weatherman: Bush knew about Katrina back in 2000 GOP weather-control device ensured Katrina would disproportionately target minorities Bush engineered Hurrican Katrina to avoid meeting with Cindy Sheehan

. . . PRE-KATRINA COVERAGE

Al Jazeera survey: Cindy Sheehan "the most desired" woman in tribal areas of Baluhistan Bush caused Sheehan's mother's stroke through secret operations Sheehan: Karl Rove paid my husband to dump me Al-Qaeda leaders attend candlelight ceremony to support Cindy Sheehan Bush-bashing Mom: if I leave now it would send a terrible message to the terrorists Anti-War Mom to Iraqi kids: Stop raining on my parade! Peace Mom to Zarqawi: keep up the good work! Mother Sheehan Denounces Troops, Burns Son in Effigy Nature, Vultures Befriend Mother Sheehan, Demand Corpses Sheehan demands destruction of Old Testament, audience with Pope Sheehan to Jews: You killed Casey! Mother Sheehan defies hygeine police, remains in ditch Suicide bomber twin blows up brother by mistake U.N. seeks nuclear capability, threatens Bush, Bolton Gloria Steinem misplaces vagina Gitmo detainees: cuisine superb, still want to kill chef Germans develop delicious stem-cell pousse-café Dr. Howard Dean declares Conservatives anatomically different, genetically inferior Senator Reid threatens to blow himself up over judicial nominees New York Times to unveil new "Week in Jihad" section Steinem to Muslim women: Stop raining on my parade! Hollywood no longer to remake classics, seeks original ideas Fox News: only 49% fair but 51% balanced CNN admits to liberal bias. "Deal with it" says official Ralph Nader DNA shocker: 3/4 Republican, 1/4 Libertarian Kucinich calls for credit cards collectivization Senator Durbin apologizes to Stalin, Hitler, Pol Pot Germany rebuilds Berlin Wall to spite Bush Homosexuality found on other planets UN: World has 15 years to stop capitalism RELATED STORIES: MIT Professor sells "Che" toasts on eBay ------------------------ MIT Professor caught using institute's laser in a scam to make 5,000 "accidental" Che toasts Proctologist puts finger on causes of liberalism ~ France : another day without surrender Survey shows men who work more earn more. Liberal economists baffled Researchers: abortion not as much fun as previously thought Supreme Court rules to end US presence in Washington DC Dyslexic liberal activist attacks fish stall for selling halibut Bill Clinton explains Big Bang theory to preschoolers The Village Voice finally runs out of anti-Bush headlines Bush plan to clone Karl Rove exposed War in Iraq worsens from quagmire to effluvial morass Bush's tax cuts linked to iIncrease in cancer rate worldwide

Cindy Sheehan betrays her son, sides with enemy

Poll: Ted Kennedy considered degenerate drunk by < 50% of Americans

Labor Unions admit to artificially inflating national cost of living

Chuck Schumer speechless

Democrats: Social Security is a pyramid scheme

Ariana Huffington closes failed blog, enters convent

Labor Unions agree to wages determined by free market

Government program ends as its intended goal has been achieved

Mainstream Media apologizes to Americans for decades of bias

Moveon.org decide to actually move on

Michael Moore gets a real job

Hollywood movie paints a favorable image of Senator Joe McCarthy

Gay and Lesbian leaders declare abstinence best protection from AIDS

France thanks US for saving ass... twice

Ass whooping discourages teen from "doing it again"

Environmental groups switch focus from communism to environment

Peace activists enraged over terrorist attacks

United Nations: capitalism best cure for hunger and poverty

Amnesty International supports US effort to end tyranny and corruption in Africa

Technological progress: nature's only chance